DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

The kids are fine

When we were very young, my mother told my father she was leaving in front of us. She didn’t leave, it must have been said in the middle of a big argument or a marital crisis. It was never mentioned again. My older sister remembers it very well. She was six at the time. I was four. I have no recollection of it. If the OP’s children are under five, they probably won’t remember it.

My dad tried to leave the family once, he was just having a bipolar crisis and got over it, never left, etc. and I have never gotten over it. I was 12, very close with both parents, a total Daddy's girl and I can't trust that the men I love aren't secretly planning to leave me. I can't believe it, I don't believe it, and I feel like I will never truly know any man I am with because I don't believe they share themselves or respect emotional pain they cause. I am still close with my Dad but it forever altered my sense of love and safety.

To me, he sounds like a man who had been flattered by a bit of attention from a young, pretty woman. He has had a massive ego boost and now doesn’t want to lose that feeling. The truth is, the female colleague may be quiet on the texting / social media front, but when they get together making their drinks, or whatever, you don’t know how they behave. Sorry, I think it’s a bit more than than a one sided crush. If his workmate spotted their connection, it speaks volumes. I’m sorry.

So don't brush that off and see if you can get your children a little counseling, etc., especially if you have a female child. It fucks with your trust in men when the man who is supposed to love and cherish you and the woman he created you with leaves, for any reason.

I think the way you’re dealing with it is very sensible and practical. But maybe show a bit more fire.

It sounds like limerence to me OP ☹️

I have read everything and I think OP has a pretty damn good handle on the situation. I don’t think she is kidding herself, nor do I think she is allowing it to diminish her. She sounds like her self-esteem is relatively intact despite his crush. She knows her value as a human being and is rightly sad, angry and disappointed, etc - also continuing to be the parent for their kids.

Thanks justilou1, this thread makes me doubt myself and maybe that’s a good thing but I’m trying my best.

I have to agree with many who say you're level headed. You're not coming across as desperate to hold on come what may.

I can understand you wanting to save your marriage. For me, I'd probably feel quite disappointed and even if I didn't leave.... I would inadvertently emotionally detach myself from him to protect myself.

We're all different though.

I’m not surprised, @CrushingMe... You’re a human. You’re dealing with something really difficult under really unusual circumstances. I’m sorry this is happening to you. Unfortunately I think maybe some men just need an excuse to have a midlife crisis. This woman isn’t actually real to him anyway. She is a fictitious perfect person who understands him like no other (because in the eyes of this perfect person he has no faults). He hasn’t factored in her reality at all - like her own relationships or child, etc. They don’t exist either.

I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago. My husband if 20 years developed a crush on a friend. I started to get suspicious and in the end he admitted to me that he had been flirting with her in text and had actually got as far as kissing but I don't think she was particularly interested. Everyone I know couldn't believe it - he wasn't that type of guy, I am the breadwinner and frankly he can't do anything without me. When I found out he begged me not to leave him - it was a case of typical limerace I think. He suddenly came to his senses and realised what he was going to lose. I am a strong independent woman and would have been fine in my own but decided to stay for the sake of the kids. I won't ever forgive him - and he knows it. I know he has learnt a lesson and won't do it again but things will never be the same. The point of this post is that you don't really know what you will do until the situation happens to you. I would have said LTB prior to this happening to me but sometimes that isn't the right answer. Sometimes I hate him for being a self centered prick but sometimes I can see that he just got caught up with someone paying him a bit of attention. Only you know what's right for you. Good luck

Op, I think you are behaving admirably and as an adult in a very difficult situation. Keeping your mind and options open seems sensible at the moment despite all the LTB vibes here .

Even very good marriages are often complicated ( despite the cartoon character versions of relationships you see constantly posted on here)

You sound like you have this in hand. I hope it all works out for you in the best way possible for you ( whatever that turns out to be)

As for.your DH,.he has behaved badly. He is a human being, they make.mistakes,. He needs to.decide what he wants to.do.and so do you. Having him.move out is probably best for that. Good luck

I’m so sorry that you have been let down so badly op you sound like a really great woman.

I don’t believe your dh. I think there’s more to this that you don’t know about. There is no way he’s told your kids and left the family home on a crush.
I think he told the kids because he doesn’t want a way back. Your dh has been telling you in all his actions, getting drunk, not wearing his ring , ignoring important data. Every time you write a line in the sand , he steps over it and when you move the line... he involves the dc. I think your dh is not the bumbling buffoon but instead very manipulative, he’s choosing all these destructive and cruel behaviours that damage you and your dc and you’re worried about him.

Look at what he’s showing you op.

It's quite refreshing to have an OP who has a handle on things and has taken decisive action. Your DH seems to have lost his head. Hopefully he can come to his senses and make the effort required to make your marriage work. He hasn't done anything unforgivable but you may find it unforgettable and hard to move on from even when he's saying and doing the right things. Obviously things aren't there yet and you're moving in the right direction by asking him to put the work in. Like you say you'll be alright by yourself but I hope it works out the way you want in the end.

I think he told the kids because he doesn’t want a way back

yes, I think this is exactly why he did it. He knows he'll lose face if he comes back after this and I don't believe he'll do that.

I don’t think you are prepared to walk away, I think you should start preparing for him not returning home. I wish you luck and happiness.

I do t tho k the OP believes she will walk away either or that it will come to that. But she has to have her own coping mechanisms to deal with this. It’s easy to offer advice on a written forum but this is her whole life, the past and the future and there are children involved.

He told the kids weeks ago when this all first came to light. He was distraught and completely lost his head. We moved on from that and I’m not sure what more you expect me to say about that. It was horrendous, he shouldn’t have done it but that can’t be changed now. Since then we’ve engaged in counselling and tried to work on things. I don’t think I was clear enough about expectations and boundaries.

More recently I’ve started to think about what I need him to do. He couldn’t give me the answers I needed and I didn’t feel he was committed so I asked him to leave. We’re now a few days in and having no contact. We’ll continue with counselling to either work on our marriage or work on our separation.

I’m prepared to walk away if needed. I want the best for me and for him. If he isn’t sure or fully committed then it’s best we separate. We’ve been together for over 20 years and this has been our first major bump in the road. To date he has been kind, respectful and loving...people make mistakes.

So sorry you’re having to go through this Op.

A mistake is an error you regret. Does he regret it how he felt about her in the past?

Or does he regret not being able to let her of the thought of being with her?

I’m struggling to see how he can overcome infatuation. I’ve struggled with it myself in the past. And that is what it is. You are minimising it by calling it a crush. It took me years to get over what could have been (in my head) with someone. It’s like a mental sickness that consumes you. I only wished someone happy birthday and happy Christmas so twice yearly contact but the person was never very far from my thoughts. It will subside but never completely disappears. At least mine never really did but I can now detach more than I could before. .

I believe it occurs to fill a void in your life. Loneliness, wishful thinking, melancholy, general discontent and ultimately wanting more than you have.

It doesn’t make your husband a bad person unless he is willing to jeopardise his whole family. I was never going to do that. I would never put my children through that.

My XH did something very similar to me...

He was changing his job, had started on a training course that he was failing badly. I'd asked him not to, he just wasn't emotionally suited to the job but he was determined, so I said I would support if, since it was what he wanted.

The failing hit him badly. It was the first time he'd ever really failed at anything. On the course was a girl, quite a bit younger and he fell completely for her. He decided that she must fancy him (he wasn't very experienced or worldly wise) and emailed her telling her that he was going to leave me and move in with her. Cue her utter terror, him back peddling madly and deciding to stay with me.

However our relationship was broken beyond repair. He now knew that he was going to find other women attractive and that made him decide that I wasn't enough. He left. Two days later I blocked him on every device and we haven't spoken since. After nine years of total mutual adoration.

I hope you can find a way back from this, OP. Just be aware that something may be broken that can never be fixed.

OP do you think this could like an exit affair and the reason he hasn’t made the effort you’d hoped for is because he’s already checked out if the marriage?

ETA I used the word bad incorrectly, hurtful would be a better choice of word.

He’s made effort, things have been great in lots of ways it just wasn’t the effort I expected. It’s hard to explain without going in to more detail than I’m comfortable with.

I’m absolutely considering all of those possibilities. It may be broken beyond repair, all I’m saying is that I’m willing to work that out properly and not rush into anything. I need to think about what it is I want and what he can do to make things right.

I’ve just read this cold op, your posts, and what’s the most striking thing is you write like this is something that happened to him. It was out with his control. Like he has had an accident or something.

When in reality we all fancy someone else occasionally, we don’t pretend it’s some sort of love thing, that deep feelings have evolved and then tell our kids. It’s odd as fuck to do that.

Look he fancies someone else and would if he could. More than that, he’d end his marriage so he could get with her. It’s that simple. He’s even told his kids he fancies someone else. In not so many words. Your kids know exactly what he’s said and what the score is, hence the “thinking with his dick” comment the eldest made.

There is no point romantiscing it, with all the he’s lost his head, he’s blind sided, he’s developed feelings, he doesn’t understand it etc nonsense. Your kids nailed it. He fancies someone he works with and on balance he’s decided he’d rather out of it means he can pursue her.