DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

Going against the grain here, but crushes are perfectly normal, even in a happy relationship. Especially long term ones.

What matters is how the party with a crush acts (do they act on it or not?) and treats the other person in the relationship as a result of the crush. I've had crushes and have been with my DP a long time, he's had crushes too. But we've always been open and honest with each other about them. More importantly we've never acted on it.

It sounds like you're doing what you feel is best for you and your family and no-one can tell you more than that. Your DH does sound confused about how he feels but that doesn't mean you should be willing to accept subpar behaviour from him, nor should you accept him breaking the agreement you both made.

I haven't read the whole thread, but it looks like he's left now. If you decide to make another go of things, I would be asking for trandparency, access to his messages and complete honesty. Nothing less.

Only you can decide what you want your future to look like. I hope you get the result you want

transparency*

@Cassandrainthenight
I think that advise is very wise and worldly.
I think op you're doing the right thing
No one is perfect
We all make mistakes.
It is a bump in the road.
Good luck

My DH (who, as I said, wasn't very worldly wise or experienced in relationships) took the fact that he'd become intensely attracted to another person as a sign that I wasn't the right one for him. That, if he could be THIS attracted to someone else, then obviously there were other people out there who would also attract him and therefore I wasn't good enough any more.

It was a very naive way of thinking. Has anyone else had this 'I fancy someone else so you clearly aren't the One for me?' belief come out in their marriage?

Is it naive or is the realisation/slightest possibility (depending how much of the fantasy is all in their head) they could upgrade/switch to someone they fancy more?

@Zaphodsotherhead
I think this it is important that people don't settle down too young (not aimed at op)
That people need to 'sow their wild Oates' so to speak.

I was 29 when I met dh and it didn't take me long to appreciate what a great guy he is.

If I'd met him at 18 i wouldn't have know that , as I had nothing to compare him with.

Now I can fancy people , but I know what I want.
I know that what I have with dh is far most precious than anything a cheap fling could offer - sorry Brad (Pitt)

Dh feels the same.

But we've had ups and downs.
After 20 plus years you're going to.

But we keep the lines of communication open and try to be respectful and kind to each other.

(And boost each other's ego)

People just see what they want to see, not what's actually written, do they?

They say 'if it was just a crush, I can't imagine telling my family'
Well he never planned to tell his family, and OP only sensed that something wasn't right because she knows him really well.
And then he obviously decided on the spur of the moment that it'd be more honest/noble even to admit it all to everyone (it must have brought him some relief too!)
He never said to his kids he was leaving for the OW - there's no OW, she doesn't even know what's happening! He just felt guilty staying with his family while fantasizing about someone else and musguidedly decided it'd be better if he removed himself from the family environment while his head wasn't in the right place.
He did tip his toe in the water by contacting his crush with something innocuous, but it doesn't mean that if she responded more enthusiastically he would have necessarily continued to pursue her. He didn't tell her and wasn't planning to tell the OP about his "feelings", who knows what would have happened if the OP left it, it could have run its course and fizzled out without anyone finding out, but I'm sure it still would have resulted in quite a few worrying and uncomfortable months for the OP. There's no winning in either scenario, and there are downsides both to keeping it secret or bringing it out in the open - the latter one is a more painful but over quicker (normally) and gives more chance to actually address any potential issues and fix things.

I also think if he's been such an exemplary DH for 20 years he surprised himself and is making the crush mean more than it actually does, because if his head has never been turned before he must think that this woman must be really super special 🙄
He needs time and reality of living apart from his family, it should focus his priorities sooner or later.

Cassandrainthenight that perfectly explains the situation as I see it. I feel like you really understand

After a few days away from our family with no contact it’s like he finally gets it. We have only had minimal contact when our counsellor has said we should. Regardless we both agree he needs to stay away and think carefully about what he wants and how we move forward either to work on our marriage or separate. I’m doing the same. I feel stronger than ever and confident that I’ll be absolutely fine whatever we decide.

I'd bet my bottom dollar he won't come home.

Yes, it's good you're being so level-headed but why are you being such a bloody goody-goody, OP? Is it because you think being so nice and so understanding of his needs he will decide you're really what he needs. He doesn't want a mother, he wants a lover.

If he'd agreed to wear his ring when you asked, not involved the kids and not done the Instagram, I think there might well have been a way back from this. As others here have said, it's the actions that count. I don't believe going to counselling especially means anything either. He could just be going along with it because he feels so guilty about wanting out after 20 years and doesn't have the heart to break it all off in one go. He will do this, though.

I don't agree your kids are fine. Just because they say they're fine or seem fine it doesn't mean they are. That's the kind of thing that sticks in a kid's head forever.

BBuggles good luck with your bet

CrushingMeSoftly

It's easier to be a smart-arse than to be real.

Good luck yourself.

I don't think your kids will be at all fine, either.

He might not have been in control of his feelings but he was in control of his actions.

I think this is the crux of it OP. A responsible parent (and tbh any sort of functioning adult) needs to be someone you can rely on, ultimately, to put the kids first. Yes there are upsets, there are situations you wish you'd handled better but the sad fact is that when it came to an bloody big parenting test your H acted like an utter bellend and a complete parental failure.

You just don't do what he did. That's unbelievable - so utterly self-indulgent and hysterical. They will not necessarily be damaged ultimately by you separating: they will absolutely have been damaged by seeing him throw his hands in the air and start screeching about how his feelings have changed and he's LEAVING and he CAN'T COPE etc etc. That's the kind of stuff a good parent instinctively shields them from. They had no need to hear that. It's frightening to see a parent react like that, to show their hand as someone you can't rely on to be calm and in control.

And there was no need. I'm gobsmacked at his reaction to all this - it's a fucking mid life crisis crush. Yes, clearly a serious one, aka he really is having a proper mid-life crisis - but if it were me, it wouldn't be the crush itself but him acting like such an absolute flake that would make me just not want to continue in the relationship. It really does look as though it's a case of when the chips are down, you really see what someone's made of - and he's not really made of much.

I thought you might appreciate we deviating from being a goody goody... you can’t please some people eh! It’s not always easy to properly convey the situation in a thread, sometimes you chose the wrong words or don’t explain things very well and people put their own spin on what you’ve written.

Just to clarify/explain better he didn’t stop wearing his wedding ring. There was a few times he did some DIY or forgot to put it back on in a morning. It wasn’t a huge deal but it was a huge deal to me. A small but important thing to me.

If he doesn’t come back then that’s fine. I’ll be fine. I’m not desperate to hang onto him, I’m just not rushing to throw away our marriage.

I’m in a better position to judge how my kids are , how they are feeling and what the impact has been on them. Clearly this caused some upset and I’m not minimising that. They will always be my top priority.

In what ways didn’t he make enough effort?

FizzyGreenWater you’ve completely overdramatised what actually happened. There was no screeching or throwing his hands in the air. He wasn’t hysterical, he calmly told them he was confused, he’d developed feelings for somebody else. He told them he loved me and them and he needed to leave to sort himself out because we deserved better. He didn’t leave. Parents are not perfect, he was overly emotional and really struggling.

You should really read your initial post OP. You wanted hard truths but seem to be unwilling to listen to them. Also your description of what happened with the kids is completely at odds with your subsequent posts. If it was so calm and measured why were the kids in "hysterics"

I really do wish you all the best and I agree that a good 20 year marriage is worth fighting for but people are only basing their responses based on their experiences. You seem to be back tracking massively and playing down issues that at the start seemed significant to you.

I said cue hysterics From the kids in my original post, probably used flippantly. I should have considered my words much more carefully when I posted but you don’t always do that when you’re feeling angry and sad. The kids were upset because he was upset and saying he needed to leave. It was completely out of character. They’ve never seen him cry before.

I’m listening and reading everything everyone has said. Some posters seem unnecessarily brutal and blunt. It’s hard when people judge your life and decisions but that’s what a MN thread is all about and you’re right it’s what I asked for. People project their own experiences onto your situation which is natural. I’m also clearly angers, hurt, confused and feeling defensive...all perfectly natural I expect.

It’s hard to answer questions and explain without coming across as seeking to minimise or downplay things so I think I should just stop trying.

This must be very difficult for you. I think you have conducted yourself with immense dignity and strength throughout this entire episode. It must be very disorienting and painful to deal with this. I agree with others you have done the right thing in asking him to leave. I can't remember where I saw / heard this statement which arose in a similar context but it was as follows: "I love you but I love me more." So simple but quite profound and so important to demonstrate this to yourself and your children. I think you are showing this to the best of your ability.

You keep saying how he was "struggling". Many of us have struggled with a lot more difficult things than a pathetic crush. We still haven't sat our kids down and told them we're leaving. My ex was awful and cheated but I decided not to tell our son about it because why would he need to know that? I've been the child in that situation too when my mum cheated and I wish I never knew as it's caused irreparable damage to our relationship.

He's making it all about how he's "struggling" and "confused". I couldn't be with someone who was so full of self pity. Also the fact he considered leaving because of how he felt about her would be the nail in the coffin for me.

Good luck. I fear you'll always be sleeping with one eye open though.

WaterOffADucksCrack (love the name) I’m saying these things not him. He was visibly struggling. I don’t know what more you want me to say to make it clear that telling the kids was wrong. He didn’t do it to be an arsehole, he thought he was being honest and open. It was stupid, I was there, I heard what was said and we’ve discussed it with the kids. He’s not full of self pity but he’s been selfish and I’ve told him that. He didn’t want to leave because of how he felt about her, he wanted to leave because he was capable of having those feelings about someone else.

I’ll be sleeping soundly because he won’t be coming back unless I’m convinced. If anyone needs to sleep with one eye open it’s him.

That's the tricky thing with these threads OP - they are very valuable in getting a wide range of perspectives but they can also be challenging and, I agree, brutal at times. You have to work out yourself where the truth lies and it sounds like you are pretty level headed and that will serve you well to find your way through your situation.

Oh op. I do wish you the best. Some posters see forgiveness and loyalty as the biggest weakness. I agree they can make you a doormat if they haven't been earned but your DH has spent 20 years earning your loyalty and is currently working to try and earn your forgiveness.

I don't think it's weak to wait and see where it's going. As long as your DH is being respectful to you then your 20yr marriage deserves to have some attention paid to it.

It wasn’t his finest moment but the kids did not in any way feel unloved or rejected

Then why were they hysterical & upset.

You said they were hysterical/upset, then you said the older ones were ok but the youngest was very upset.

Now you're saying you only said "cue hysterics" flippantly and they weren't upset.

Maybe it's just me but I find it hard to imagine describing a situation and saying "cue hysterics" about someone's reaction, when they weren't remotely hysterical or upset.

You seem to be minimising and altering your kids reaction the longer this thread goes in.

And tbh it's very very difficult (impossible in fact) to imagine any children of a twenty year marriage being told by their dad that he had feelings for a woman other than their mother and thinks he should leave the family home .. not being any combination of shocked, freaked out, disturbed, deeply unsettled, distressed, worried about the future, insecure etc.

Basically you need to take away the noise op.

He’s told you and the kids there is someone else and he’s moved out. He does not wish to come back. At this stage anyway.

That’s really the sum of it. It’s clear you want him back, even throwing a biscuit at the poster who suggested he wouldn’t, and only agreeing with those who tell you what you want to hear.

This must be very difficult for you, it’s natural not to want your marriage to end, to think there is someone else, to know it even, for your kids to know it, his parents to know it, and likely others.

I’m not sure what you can do, other than wait for him to pick you really due to the way this has played out. The decision is clearly his.

I do think you need to accept though there is more to this. No one leaves a happy marriage because they fancy someone they work with who they have only chatted to a couple of times. No one. As said, he is either having a full blown affair and a colleague has spotted there is something between them, or he was looking for an out.

I think you need to forget this teenage crush nonsense, and really simply look at the facts. He’s told you all there is someone else and left.

suggestionsplease1I think you’re right. Sometimes you need to hear the brutal and as I’ve said before I’ve read enough of these threads to know that sometimes OPs are soon back saying you were all right.

I’m listening to all of you and appreciate you taking the time to respond even if you’ve been a bit brutal. I am cautiously trusting my own instincts. I asked him to leave and he left. I’m doing just fine on my own