DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

OP I really think you are following the script.

What a tough one. Just wanted to say good luck with it all, whatever the outcome

I think you are being really sensible too OP. Sounds like a mid-life crisis, what a fool he is, and I think from what you have said he knows it.

You are right or make him leave, so you can both have space to think.

You might be able to work through it, you may not, but I think you are right you don’t just give up a 20+ year marriage.

I truly wish you all the very best for the future.

CrushingMeSoftly I didn't mean physically pursuing her. Just mooning over her, day dreaming, stalking her on Instagram and facebook. He now has the space to do this without you asking what is on his mind
He is in so deep I'm not sure how he pulls himself out of it.. I mean telling his children and leaving over a women he hasn't kissed, hasn't even had an intimate conversation with ??

I don't think you should be feeling sorry for him though. There was a v similar thread about a year ago and the wife in the case was like you. So level headed, forgiving , feeling sorry for him as he seemed so tormented. In the end he left for the OW. I don't think that will happen here but only because he has no chance with her and I think deep down he knows it, hence all the "torment"
I'm not advocating giving up or throwing in the towel just yet but I do think you need to look v closely at his actions going forward

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

workshy44 those things haven’t escaped my attention and I’m looking very closely at his actions.

category12 I’ve sent that thread to a few of my friends and family Over the years and I don’t agree that he is following the script.

I’m not sure what I’m expected to do. I’ve asked him to leave and he has. Forgive me for holding on to some hope. Of course I wish all this would go away and he’ll have a huge epiphany! I’m also clearly aware that won’t happen.

I think there is hope as the whole thing is totally bizarre - do people really fall in love and develop such an obsession after one conversation where you realize you may have a good bit in common??

I think asking him to leave etc was the right thing but I would cut contact way down and be as cold as ice with any interactions with him. He needs to feel the cool breeze, no sympathy , understanding from you. He needs to be shocked out of his fantasy

I really wish you the best of luck

I promise he’s one of the good guys

He's so caught up in his fantasies of being in love with someone that he was willing to hurt his children to make it that little bit more real. All this drama and upset caused to his wife and children for a woman who is completely unaware...

I feel sorry for the OW (who isn’t a willing OW at all). The OP’s husband is obviously talking about her and although he thinks he is being discreet, he is more than likely being very very obvious and coming across as sleazy. The OW will find out he left his wife as these things always get out, and will be absolutely mortified in case anyone believes she encouraged him.

When the husband isn’t willing to commit to relationship counselling, he isn’t happy in his marriage and doesn’t want it to work out. I know someone who went to relationship counselling and after a few sessions, the counseller said there was no point continuing as one party did not have enough commitment to the marriage to make it work. The party said otherwise but they separated and are both now happily married to other people.

I just hope you find your anger soon OP. You seem to have this ideal of him that is being contradicted right before your eyes. Your brain needs to catch up to the reality that this is not a poor, lovestruck, fundamentally decent man wrestling with his morals. He’s a common-or-garden middle-aged workplace sleaze who got knocked back and was still out the door at the first opportunity, and burning his bridges by telling the DCs for good measure.

And don’t minimise the fact that if she had replied to his Facebook message enthusiastically, he would’ve been in there like a rat up a drainpipe. He had a crush and rather than ignore it and hope it went away, he decided to actively pursue it and even talk to colleagues about it. That’s not what you do when you have an innocent crush that you’re trying to squash.

He really has behaved appallingly. I hope you find your anger soon. It will propel you into the action you need to take.

@theschoolonthehill surely he will have told his crush that he's left his wife?

He'll be all over her insta liking like a loon.

I hope you find your anger soon too OP. You sound lovely and he sounds dreadful.

I hope you find your anger too. This isn’t a crush, this is a man who’s trying to have an affair. Instead of having a nice Valentine’s Day with his wife this man is messaging another woman.
You’ve asked him to wear his wedding rings and he’s taking it off. He’s following her on instragram.
You are making excuses for him.
He’s told his DC he has feelings for another woman, that’s the sort of thing that could really fuck them up. How is that being a decent guy?

You sound lovely, OP, very grounded and kind. All I can say is that if what your DH is going through is anything like what happened to me a long time ago, it’s horrendous - you do feel you are going mad, nothing makes sense anymore, you start questioning the basis of every relationship and you act like a self-centred twat. I was the one with the ‘crush’ and it was like suddenly being tethered to a wild animal. I can honestly say I’d been perfectly fine before then, and things are on more of an even keel now, but your instincts sound good: he can both be a good bloke and currently acting as though he’s lost his marbles. That you are talking about it and have had relationship counselling sounds positive. He might well benefit from having his own counselling - these things bring up a lot of unfinished business (as does mid-life) and some professional support might take the pressure off. You too might find it helpful to have some 1-1 counselling for yourself. You’re dealing with massively unreasonable behaviour with great compassion. I hope he comes to his senses.

...he’s only guilty of having feelings so far.

But your Husband has acted on these feelings and in the process gave himself permission to treat you with contempt.

He created emotional distance between you to accommodate and prioritize his feelings for this woman. He chose to be distant, grumpy and less affectionate. He ignored you on Valentine’s while reaching out to her to establish a connection. He blocked transparency with a new passcode, refused to show you his phone, and lied about the crush initially when rumbled. He failed to make the efforts you required to rebuild trust. Although he paid lip service to being remorseful, he blanked your birthday and Mother’s Day.

He acted on his feelings by contacting her to fish, exchanging many messages with his friend to discuss the “spark,” and making sure he bumped into her at work. Even after pledging to work on the marriage, he started following her on Instagram and beelined to the next work party to interact with her.

In my marriage, I would consider the above to be emotional infidelity and I would lose trust and respect. Even if there had been communication issues in our relationship, I would not accept any responsibility for his weak boundaries, sense of entitlement, and unethical choices.

MsDogLady your summary is the most accurate reflection of the situation. He didn’t exactly blank my birthday or Mother’s Day but he didn’t make the effort I expected. As a result I asked him to leave and he did. That doesn’t mean that the situation is unsalvageable for me whilst I appreciate it might be for others. I am prepared to walk away.

What would give you confidence that he was truly remorseful OP? Not words, words are cheap but deeds, what does he need to do to convince you?

He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

Him doing this to the kids is so unforgivably selfish that it would be the end for me. Imagine saying that to your kids. Fuck me, he's a dick OP. He's a mixture of brass neck and absolute coward which is so incredibly unattractive. You poor thing. As usual you'll have to pick up the mess. Ugh.

But that's me and you sound like you have your head screwed on - you can only do what is right for you. I'm just so sorry this has happened.

@crushingmesoftly I feel so bad for you. You need to well and truly give him the cold shoulder now so he realises just what's at stake here as it sounds like he's been taking the love of his family for granted. Maybe the prospect of losing you all will be enough to jolt him to his senses so please don't be understanding or kind to him. Stonewall him instead.

The kids are fine

Really? I find that very hard to believe. Their world has just been rocked.

How old are they?

@CrushingMeSoftly I’m so sorry that this has happened and think that you have to go with your gut instincts. As you rightly say you know your husband best and it is easy for people to say you should just leave but in reality it isn’t always that simple.

You have to do what feels right for you. I’m not saying what you should do and don’t agree with how he has behaved at all and I agree that he needs to really go out of his way to really win back your trust and prove to you everyday he can be trusted and that he wants to be with you

Sorry you're going through this. It is truly shit. The best advice I can give (from experience) is stop contact as much as possible. Put together a short term action plan for the children/finances via email and step back from him. Don't get involved with idle chit chat with him, don't ask him how his day went etc. Leave him alone. Focus on yourself. Make it clear you can no longer except this disrespect from him. He needs to know what his life will be without you. Do not offer him any comfort. There's nothing you can do about this, he has to work through it himself.

I salute you for asking him to leave. What is the next step from here though? What are you hoping will happen?

Hope you’re ok. It must be a really tough time for you.

After we had DC 1 my exH and I broke up, he wasn't putting the effort in. Like yours he stopped wearing his wedding ring, he also started going to a sports club to watch a younger colleague.

I asked him to leave and told him I was stronger without him. He stopped going and appeared to put family first, we had another DC. Gradually it went back to me being the adult, the parent. He claimed he helped, said he was caring, said it was me not understanding him etc., I lived with eternal hope.

He left DC and me overnight to be with OW as I found out about an affair and said it was over (another woman again). He said it was me, I had changed, she accepted him the way he was.

I don't regret having DC2, but honestly I could see what was happening, I could even to a degree say it, but it took me being at a stage to accept it, when the anger pushed me to say I end it. I was sick of holding everything together, excusing him and living a lie. I wanted to be important. He would have carried on otherwise, having his cake and eating it.

Maybe your DH is a poor misguided angel, desperate inside to throw off his feelings and put you first...but do you really think that: what is he actually showing you?

I hope you’re right OP, but the thing I find concerning is that you’ve said he is a moral man, would never physically have an affair, but be honest with yourself, a year ago, would he have said he would fall for someone so badly he would sit his kids down and tell them all about it? I have a feeling the answer to that is no.

I’m sure a year ago he ‘knew’ he would never do what he recently done, therefore I would have to take everything he ‘knows’ with a grain of salt.

Also, why did he start to follow her on insta, after you told him not to contact her? Have you directly asked him that? I’m assuming it’s because he simply couldn’t help himself.

This is very concerning, have you straight up asked him what he would do if she reciprocated his feelings?

I do hope for your sake you are right, and that you can make it work. I think people can sometimes come across as mean o. Threads like this, but I think it comes from a good place

Honestly,
I know mumsnet is a huge fan of LTB for pretty much everything from forgetting to put the bins out to mass murder but i think there can be a way back from this.
I think a reality check might work or alternatively he could decide that his hearts not in it either way but I do think that a happy marriage of 20 years with young kids is worth fighting for as long as there has been no physical infidelity. that would be a deal breaker for me.