DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

You sound very strong and confident OP. As you've said your DH messed up with the kids but I support what you're doing now. He's gone a bit bonkers and hopefully he'll come to his senses soon. No one should throw away the 20 years of marriage lightly. I wish you all the very best

Oh, and although a more extreme situation than yours, when I was about 13 my DF had an actual affair (he did end up leaving home and later remarried to her). I overheard awkward conversations between him and my DM and then had direct and emotional conversations with him myself about what he had done and why he was moving out.

So no, maybe it’s not ideal that your (presumably not very young) DCs have heard him speak emotionally about what’s been happening but at the end of the day your DC will learn sooner or later that people and relationships are messy and complicated. You have no doubt explained to them as you have to us that he was feeling very emotional and tired. It won’t damage them as they have you as a stable support. Being kept in the dark when they know something is going on can be worse.

Enough4me I absolutely get that and whilst I think I’ve got a good sense of the situation now I may well be proved wrong. I appreciate the honesty and the benefit of other peoples experiences. I promise it’s going in and I’m listening.

I suppose I’m just reluctant to throw everything away at the first sign of trouble. Another part of me also thinks that the current situation with lockdown isn’t helping because life isn’t normal. Even our relationship counsellor said she’d understand if we wanted to pause things because of the current situation. He is really keen to keep engaging in counselling and I’m seeing that as a positive.

I’ve read this board a lot over the years and I’ve seen threads where women are adamant their husband is different and they haven’t cheated...then it turns out everyone was right and they had. I’m well aware that men don’t always tell the truth. I can only say that I know him very well and I can only trust my instincts on this.

I’m not a doormat, I’m a bloody good catch and I’ll walk away if he doesn’t give me what I need. I’m not scared to be single, I don’t rely on him financially and I know I’d be fine on my own.

This is the best thing you have said:

"I’m a bloody good catch and I’ll walk away if he doesn’t give me what I need. I’m not scared to be single, I don’t rely on him financially and I know I’d be fine on my own."

Keep a record of this and don't waiver in your confidence in yourself. From now on put yourself and DCs first as you deserve to be prioritised and not an option.

Good luck op. You sound like you've got your head screwed on the right way. Anyone can make a mistake. And forgiveness and weakness are two completely different things, in fact I believe it takes strength to forgive and move on. I hope your dh thinks long and hard about what is at stake here.

Good luck OP - I think I’d do the same in your position. Life is short and unpredictable and it would be a shame to give up without giving it your all (him too of course).

I have no personal experience but my father was a serial cheater. He has been married twice since my mother divorced him, and has since admitted (not to me) that my mother is the only woman he’s ever really loved and that he is deeply ashamed of how he treated her.

You’ve mentioned that you think it’s normal for people in relationships to develop feelings for other people. Is it? I really don’t think so. Maybe I’m wrong but I think if your head even goes there for a minute there’s a huge problem. Obviously it’s normal to think other people are attractive but feelings being being involved isn’t ‘normal’ in my opinion. I think once you let yourself go along that path, part of you has checked out of your current relationship.

Him telling the kids in the way he did just shows how messed up he is. I’d struggle to come back from that.

I’d be really surprised if he’s not in deeper than you think. I hope I’m wrong. Even if he’s not, could you really get past it? It’s just so cringe and would make me doubt his character. I think it seems worse somehow that he seems to be a very decent man normally and has completely lost the plot, risked his relationship, affected his kids for someone who he doesn’t really know. It just seems so unlikely that an otherwise sensible man would do this if there’s not more to it.

It's a heartbreaking situation he's put you in and I feel for you. Don't be second best, you deserve so much more.

I understand the OP's rationale.

The husband is not committed though. If not this woman, it will possibly happen with another because he is now 'looking' at other women with lust (the sex every other night while fantasising about someone else is probably normal) which many people do but your husband is willing to act on it. Thats the difference. I think trust will be gone and your relationship will never be the same again but it might still be 'enough' for you and who are we to judge what is enough for anyone other than ourselves. I hope it works out for you OP.

Guess I am going against most posters opinion .
My DH of 30 years ! acted upon his crush . I found out a year afterwards and absolutely am looking at separating asap. We also went to counselling.
Now , my attitude was that if he had told me at the time before he acted on it , I might have been able to forgive him and try and repair the marriage.
So far , your DH has not acted on anything , it is not an emotional affair as the OW has no idea and there is no exchange of feelings.
Yes, it is a midlife crisis. But it is all fantasy and not reality. I bet a lot of people , including women , feel this way , just don't voice it. I think the fact he has ,shows that he knows it is wrong and he feels bad about it. But I appreciate his honesty. Which was so important to me.
I do think you are right in not thinking LTB. Maybe he needs this to come to his senses and realise that a 20 year marriage is not worth a crush - not even a fling !

And by the way , my DH desperately wants to reconcile. When I point out his indiscretion , he says that now , he says to himself WTF was I thinking and believes he truly wasnt in his right mind. A bit of escapism that went too far . And would do anything to be able to go back and behave differently.
You are no pushover , but a realist. I hope it works out for you.

Op, it’s your marriage and therefore your decision.
I would just be concerned that he would have acted on this ‘crush’ if the woman had shown any interest. What happens if he develops another crush on someone else who may be willing to embark on a relationship?
I would also be embarrassed that he was discussing this with his male colleague. Your husband seems to unable to control his emotions. His head seems to be all over the place.
I think asking him to leave was the best thing to do. However, I think that you are almost being too damn calm. He probably thinks that he can come back if and when it suits him.
Btw, don’t assume that the children are unaware of what is going on and don’t underestimate the effect it will have on them.
They know why their father is living with his parents; mark my words.

When it happened to me, my partner was like something possessed.
He was obsessed with her. She didn't discourage him, AFAIK.

Others might have thought that it was sweet that he was so smitten, but it was very scary to be at the brunt end of his nastiness.

OP's husband has crossed a line, and telling the children was hideous.

I agree that OP should be willing to save the marriage, if that is right for the family.

Good luck, OP.

Read first page and then skipped to last thinking - guarantee she’s found out more and caught him by page 7. That’s how it usually goes.

Tough one. Instincts say there’s got to be more but who knows. As he’s already told your kids (idiot) I’d maybe kick him out for a bit. Essentially he tried to leave so now you’ll feel like he’s feeling sorry for you. Turn the tables.

I’ll walk away if he doesn’t give me what I need

What do you want from him though OP? He has already failed to give you any of the things you’ve said you need so far. Like wearing his wedding ring. What else do you need him to fail to do before you reach your red line?

Regardless of what he hasn't done, what he has done is very clear.

He has disrespected you and your relationship.

He's approached this woman, via social media, knowing he has a crush on her.

He's neglected to wear his wedding ring and then followed her on Instagram. He's making no effort with you.

He might be a good man in every other way, but he's let you down as a wife, more than once.

Regardless of anything positive he does going forward, you're going to have to live with the knowledge that he didn't respect you enough to keep his word and make things work.

He hasn't cheated on you because he hasn't had a chance.

I agree @Enough4me, it is the most sensible and strong thing that the OP’s said. Op you should say that to your husband too. Make him realise you know your worth more than he’s putting you through. It’s incredibly cruel what he’s putting you through.

OP I've RTFT. I admire your strength, kindness & decency, you sound like a lovely person. I also think you've received excellent advice from PPs.

For me, it's the fact that you describe your DH as principled & with a strong moral code, so that this is very far outside of his usual behaviour. But on the point, it seems he has made a choice - he's checked out if your marriage, he hasn't respected you or the children (telling them how he feels cannot be excused, and is a complete derogation of his job as a parent)

I think you are trying to be calm, logical and understanding as a way to have control over an awful situation. It feels like your suppressing your more raw feelings of anger & hurt, which are valid and I think you need to feel them.

It doesn't sound like your DH is trying to engage eg not wearing wedding ring and the other requests.

Now that he's left, use the time to allow yourself to really feel what you need to feel and move from there. 💐

I agree 💯 @Honeyroar

If he values you, why is he not wearing his ring like you asked? Why is he following her on Instagram after you asked him to stop all social media contact? You told him he had to make an effort and he didn’t for Valentine’s Day or Mother’s Day, which you obviously value.

Your kids ages are important. You don’t have to tell me. But if they are 1&3 then they possibly won’t understand but you’ve said the kids were in hysterics after he told them so I’d imagine they have understanding. They are watching you, learning what ways are acceptable to be treated by a husband or wife and learning ways that it is acceptable to treat their own partner. They aren’t stupid. As someone else said, they are probably well aware of the reasons why your husband is no longer at home with you all.

You knew you would get some hard truths here. I’m not being mean, you are worth a lot more than he thinks you are and is showing you are. What he is doing is not normal and healthy behaviour.

You’ve done the right thing to make him leave but for the wrong reason. I get the impression you want him to see the error of his way and want to come home, be prepared this may not happen and that he’s gone for good. Good luck

Hang on isnt he just Going to be living the life of Riley at his mums? No responsibilities with the kids or the house ect..just lots of time to think about this other woman. I’m not sure this will have the effect you think it will.

He won’t be living the life of Riley. I’m not expecting it to have any effect. I’m hopeful we can work through this, if we can’t then so be it.

I’m doing the best I can in difficult circumstances that are not of my making. I’m not an idiot and I’m not desperate.

He hasn’t completely disregarded all of my terms, I’m just not convinced yet and feel he needs to try harder. All this is very difficult to navigate when there is no escape whilst we’re in lockdown. I feel he needs some space away from home to sort out his head.

This thread has been so helpful and people have been really kind. It is also really difficult because you can only type so much to convey the situation. Don’t get me wrong I started the thread for opinions but sometimes people fill in the gaps and add detail that hasn’t been given

Regardless of the ins and outs of all this, the bottom line is you are not willing to leave a 20 year relationship over what's he's done, and what he's done is practically told you he's willing to leave a 20 year old relationship, over 1 conversation with a work colleague he barely knows, if she was anyway interested...

I agree with pp, your bar is set extremely low. You are doing the pick me dance and tbh you are coming across as slightly delusional. You have contradicted a lot of your op, in defence of a man who's not half as moral and good as you are making him out to be.

You are in serious denial and will heavily resent him forever, whatever the outcome.

OP I think you’re approaching this like if you wish hard enough it’ll eventually go away and you’ll continue your happily ever after. It won’t, you can’t go back and it won’t be the same.

You’ve said the crush is a symptom of “us neglecting our relationship”. So you’re taking responsibility for his failings, and his feelings. The crush is a symptom of him checking out of the relationship. It’s nothing to do with you, it’s that he’s attracted to someone else.

You’re also deluded if you think kids can just brush this off as you’ve described it. This is something they’ll never forget, and they will wonder how their lives will change and when that will be, will he leave in three months, will he come and go over the next year, will they have to keep pretending to both of you they are perfectly all right with their lives spiraling out of their control.

Your kids already know why this is happening because he told them. Do you want them to learn from this that a partner can lie and lust after someone else while they should suck it up meekly? Why would you want them to be like this in their future adult relationships?

Your husband is in the driving seat and you are a passenger, as are your children.

I actually think you're being very level-headed and sensible OP.
You are the only one who knows your DH and knows what you're prepared to tolerate.
I really hope your DH uses his time away from you and your children to realise what's really important to him and he realises what a prize arse he's been.
Good luck