Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

I think I have something in my eye.

She's not worth going to jail for, otherwise we'd all rally round to help you with a patio.

Virtual hug / elbow bump to you, you brave, wise, lovely woman.

Brace yourself for the exaggerated / false reports of illness to come.

Keep your control, it's been a long time coming!

I think I've read one of your previous threads. All I can say is, Bloody well done!!

@Coyoacan

I received counselling 6 years or so again when I was in a physically abusive relationship. It was invaluable to me as it helped me to understand I could leave that relationship/I was looking for the same things I was used to from my childhood. I “allowed” myself to actually be with someone who would make me happy with no drama - my husband.

I tried to see someone again recently for some of these ups and downs (eg when I found out my mother was legally supposed to be paying us a % of the rent from properties she received from my father in the divorce), but I didn’t go into my childhood or deeper issues so the advice given was more “just be nice and forgiving as your life is great”. I’m not sure I really need to discuss my childhood anymore - this entire day has felt hugely cathartic for me. I just want to move on with my life and my family, not keep rehashing things.

Is it too late for you to patch things up with your friend?

Well done!!

Yes you block her on everything. You were 6 years old and she put you through that!! I’ve got a 6 year old and I’d die for my kid. I can’t believd what she did to you. You were too scared to use the loo. Stick with your happy life and F that lot. Build your own family and friends. I wish you a lifetime of happiness.

Do I block her everywhere else too?
Yes yes yes.
Well done, you have had a LOT to deal with.
Be happy, its the biggest reward.

It breaks my heart to think your older brothers side with her, I would do absolutely anything to protect my much younger siblings at all cost and growing up in an abusive household my only priority was protecting them! Your mother is an absolutely vile woman and you did the right thing, I would block your brothers too if they're picking her side, it's not even worth the stress. Well done 🤍

Well done op, you won’t have to put up with anymore heartache. Don’t have any regrets, it was the right thing.

I hope you sort out the financials legally too. Your father must be utterly fuming!!!!

@RandomMess

He has sought legal advice and will be pursuing.

It’s been eye opening that he may not have been the monster she painted him out to be my whole life. He’s no angel but certainly no where near as bad as she said...

The best thing I ever did was stop all contact with my mother. I didn’t respond to her last vile text and she didn’t contact me again.
Good on you for being brave, surround yourself with the love of your DH and DC. You can’t choose your parents but you can choose to live your life away from abusive ones. All but one of my siblings have been supportive and I’d been non contact with the abusive sibling for several years beforehand.
My DH, DC and DGC love me and I’m happy.
Enjoy your life x

Is it too late for you to patch things up with your friend?

Unfortunately that was many years ago and I live in a different country now. And she was a brilliant mother, too.

And she was a brilliant mother, too

Wonderful to hear

My god, well done! You have resilience in spades and it is absolutely fitting that you have found happiness now, that is what matters. Block brothers if they're not supportive. I'd tell a few close friends, personally, what you've been put through and endured is horrific.

Different situation but, I think, the same feeling of release after many years of coping:

a friend once told me that, when she broke free, she felt as if she had been under water for a long time and had finally burst up through the surface and filled her lungs with air.

Sounds as if you're breathing freely at last. Well done, and don't be emotionally blackmailed into letting these people back into your life.

I hope one day your brothers wake up too!

Good for you OP! Big brave thing to do and sounds like it was a very very long time coming. Also social distancing etc will hopefully actually be helpful in this instance by keeping the whole lot of them at arms length. Keep them blocked, all of them. You are totally in control of this now.

I remember you Op. Well done, stay strong, block them everywhere. If you get any letters post them back, ideally unopened if you realise where they are from. You are awesome.

I went through similar; my mother clearly didnt want me. She was a nasty bitch and still is.
I also told her to fuck off one day 5 years ago.
Blocked her from everything. She turned my whole family against me. That’s fine it didn’t hurt any more.
I still have the occasional wobble and think maybe I’ll call her but I stop myself.
She hasn’t changed and is still telling lies about me so she can die a sad lonely old woman for all I care.
Well done, it’s gonna be tough but it will get easier.
Do NOT engage with anyone about it. Delete and block any who dare question your motives. Do not satisfy anyone with a response. Ignore and bloke rinse and repeat.

Well done OP, I'm adding my voice to all the pps who are so proud of you.
Very best wishes to you and your little famil of choice

Well done! I think I remember your earlier thread. She's still drinking isn't she? Another reason to keep your child well away from her and her poison.

They all probably noticed how happy you were, getting on with life, and needed to knock the confidence out of you by attacking your husband.

It's time to stop being the scapegoat.

Block them all. Don't your brothers tend to turn up on your doorstep though? You and your DH need to stand firm and have a plan if that happens.

I think when we have a child it does make us re evaluate the relationships with our own mother's if they weren't the best.

Get on with enjoying a lovely life free from stress, worry and pain and a close relationship with your child.

Well done OP.

It's such a tough thing to do, but you'll live a happier life for doing it.

I'm 2 years in with my DM and both my sisters. I would liken it to going through the grieving process. It took me a year to come out the other side of it and feel calm, happy and content. I felt anger, disappointment, sadness and every other emotion, but it was worth it in the end.

They tried lots of ways of getting in touch, but I blocked them on everything. They say they support me, but their actions prove otherwise.

Expect to grieve, expect a backlash and expect to question if you are doing the right thing. Let your DH support you to see this through. I don't have a DH, but the ex was very supportive and so have all my friends. xxx

Congratulations

Well done! You have done the best thing for you and your family. Stay strong and stay no contact. I walked away from my evil narcissist vile mother nearly four years ago. I still feel a strange guilt about it, but oh my, it was the best thing I have ever done and i wish i had done it sooner. Some of the things you experienced as a child were very similar to things i suffered. Live your life for you and make no room for toxic people.

Well done op. A place to move forward from.