Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

[HearingMyOwnVoice]

How you doing op?

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@Happynow001

Yes! Because I know my mother has made a few comments to them obviously since we stopped speaking.

Now I would imagine it’s a bit like “we don’t blame Finally!”

[Happynow001]

@Finallybloodydoneit

I guess it's both verification and a bit of vindication OP. It must be like carrying a burden that you can feel the weight of but nobody else knows is there. Now, at last, other people are a little aware of what you have known for a long time.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@IJustWantFiveMinutesAlone

Sounds about right! I do wonder what the situation is with my brothers now I’m gone; if they get bullied more etc.

[IJustWantFiveMinutesAlone]

The classic narcissist has to create drama to put themselves in the middle of. You, her audience, is no longer there to witness it. She's short circuiting!

[Finallybloodydoneit]

Thank you guys - just wanted to update!

[RandomMess]

That's no surprise she needs someone to vent all her bike at!

Enjoy your new improved life

[cstaff]

Hey finally. Just be glad that it is not you that is getting this crap from your mum and stay put and keep your distance.

The difference between your mum having a go at friends rather than you is that they won't be as tolerant of her behaviour because she is not their mum and they can probably take it or leave it. They will also probably know about you giving her the cold shoulder and will start to see her for what she really is. Stand your ground. You have done so well.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@Aussiebean

Yes, I’m sure there’s an element of that in there! She’s clearly just spoiling for a fight and conflict/to feel superior to others by making them
Feel inferior

[Aussiebean]

It could be that, without you, she is looking for someone else to treat badly.

She got something out of treating you badly, so when you left she looking for others.

[finallybloodydoneit]

Feeling extremely vindicated today. Made it through my mother’s birthday NC still and only a few annoying comments from people who don’t get it, asking if I would be in touch with her etc.

Anyway, we have a mutual friend, who is an old neighbour of ours. She understands roughly the situation with my mother and I think it has been difficult for her as she is friends with us both. Finally, today, I found out that she and our other old neighbours have absolutely hit their limit with my mother, who has been increasingly unpleasant and rude, and ended up swearing and screaming at workmen, and then lying about it.

I just feel so great that other people have seen this side of her; that it’s not “just me”. I suppose she has become more and more volatile and desperate since we stopped speaking; and is lashing out.

I suppose I’m just realising that in all my relationships and friendships I have always been waiting for someone to work out that I’m “bad” or that they finally see the “real me” and will leave. When actually I’m the “real me” all the time and people like me.

I know it shouldn’t matter to me what my mother is doing or saying, and it mostly really doesn’t - but finding out other people have had enough of her bullshit does feel good, I have to admit.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@Gutterton

Thank you for sharing that. Frankly, given all of your very accurate and sage advice, it seems as though you moving on and concentrating on your children has been exceptionally well managed! I would never have guessed that you were someone with your own troubled past, as you sound so together and so calm etc. Well done you! Certainly something to aspire to. Going to write “hurt people, hurt people” down too.

@Aussiebean

Completely understand you re boys and girls treated differently. My situation is the same - awful but a different type. I’m pleased that you have had the validation of others recognising this.

@blablabla25

Thank you very much. I hope that you found love and happiness with your grandparents x

[blablabla25]

Just want to say your childhood sounds like mine, except my Grandparents adopted me. I'm so proud of you 💕

[Aussiebean]

My brothers worked out about the different treatment because of their wives.

The first sil (and her family) kept pointing out how badly I was being treated and my mother badly treated my other brothers wife and she is not the kind of person to put up with that crap.

A couple of years ago I saw her with one brother and he came back horrified at how she reacted to me (indifference) and my sil said I must have like it as she wasn’t nasty.

They always knew she was bad, when I was a teenager they used our grandmothers inheritance to put me into my schools boarding house so I was away from her. But I don’t think they got that I was treated differently until they married.

My mother has a problem with girls compared to boys. Don’t get me wrong. She was horrid to them to. It was just a different form of horrid. They were treated badly because they hadn’t ‘done’ the right thing. I was treated badly because ‘I’ was wrong in myself.

I think your brother has married what he knows, which is a younger version of his mother.

You understand how hard it is to see those dynamics and all you can do is hope they work it out for themselves.

[Gutterton]

I would say that I have compassion for my siblings - we have all experienced complex PTSD from our childhood. I am working on mine whilst some of the others are still stuck in the destructive and impulsive behaviours of cPTSD - so can be emotionally reactive.

Hurt people, hurt people. So I keep my distance.

[Gutterton]

Finally - as there were no functioning adults to parent a pack of children - it became unruly and the emotional and power dynamics were literally Lord of the Flies - the little synopsis below of broad themes of the novel gives a flavour of it.

There have been times when we have been v v close and supportive, flipping to then being at each other’s throats, then split into camps.....far too intense, immature, erratic, dramatic, rollercoaster - after one too many crazy episodes that drain and turn your world inside out I am done - and have withdrawn quietly to concentrate solely on my own DCs.

“Lord of the Flies - main themes:”

At an allegorical level, the central theme is the conflicting human impulses toward civilisation and social organisation—living by rules, peacefully and in harmony—and toward the will to power. Themes include the tension between groupthink and individuality, between rational and emotional reactions, and between morality and immorality. How these play out, and how different people feel the influences of these form a major subtext of Lord of the Flies, with the central themes addressed in an essay by American literary critic Harold Bloom.[9] The name "Lord of the Flies" is a literal translation of Beelzebub, from 2 Kings 1:2–3, 6, 16.”

[TimeWastingButFun]

Congratulations, that I'm sure will be the start of a whole new peaceful life for you. She sounds awful. You must be feeling such a mixed bag of relief and guilt at doing that but you absolutely HAD to. If she cannot change then you have every right to enjoy a happier life without her. You have your own little family now and they come first

[Ziamahi]

Gosh, I'm really feeling you 100 percent... I have a little different story, when my mom drifted apart & left me and my younger brother with dad. He started drinking, and the rest of the details are painfully similar to yours... You did a really good job fighting her back. It makes me regret that I didn't - dad passed away just before I met my DH. Stay strong, and become even stronger!

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@gutterton

What happened with your siblings? I’m very sorry if you wrote on earlier pages - if you have please say and I will scroll through to find it! I just see you as this mystical figure doling our wonderful advice, but would be interested to know what happened to you, if you are open to sharing it.

What you describe re unhealthily close siblings is uncanny. You are right, as ever.

[Gutterton]

She sounds vile. Keep away. She sounds like your DM’s double. Your DB has just gone on to live the same familiar dynamic with someone else. If he was the golden child - then his experiences and recollections will have been v different from
yours - obviously they were positive because he has sought out more of the same with his choice of partner.

Either I will feel a bit rejected if they don’t respond, or won’t Know how to react if they do....

You choose how to feel. If you don’t want to hear from them - then it’s a “relief”, not a “rejection”.

And yes you will know how to react if they come back to you - you can have decided beforehand what your response will be.....there are only 3 options to fade them back out, to jump back in with them, or not respond at all.

I understand that traumatised children from toxic families may often have inappropriate / disproportionate enmeshed bonds as adults. It’s a emotional developmental deficiency - stuck in childish sibling stuff - it’s often still too intense and enmeshed and should have let go and moved on to new relationships outside of the family of birth eg your friends, partners / dc etc instead. This has happened in my family. It’s healthy to separate and grow emotionally as adults - it leads to more sustainable stable balanced boundaried relationships

[Finallybloodydoneit]

Also @Gutterton without rambling on too much, or sounding arrogant - his partner hates me and there is a lot of jealousy there for getting married and having children when younger than her, earlier than her. Bigger house etc and she detests me. Really detests me. So she has also fed into the family theme of “Finally is bad. She’s bad and the cause of all the problems”. Eg she refused my Christmas gift one year because she wanted “not to engage in my drama” (ironic!). It did occur to me this evening that I actually don’t want or need the people peddling this damaging crap around me. It’s one thing if it’s my own family who have just scapegoated me, but I don’t even know this woman from Adam and she’s jumped on the bandwagon. I have to keep reminding myself what my husband says “no one who knows you, absolutely no one, would agree with your family’s perception of you”. Over and over and over again!

[Fanthorpe]

You can work through all that trauma in other ways. As pp’s say there’ll be different reports/memories depending on who you talk to, and that can be unbelievably painful.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

Is there an unrealistic childlike emotional urge to try to rebuild / recapture something that doesn’t exist - or even something darker to build an army against your mother?

Honestly - no to both of these. Perhaps a need for closure? Or wanting to be the bigger person I suppose? Interested to hear your response though as I am also sceptical about whether or not it was right to reach out and regretting it a bit. I think I was a bit reactive to receiving the wedding postponement, having assumed I would no longer be invited due to the situation with the other brother etc. So I suppose I wanted to make it clear that I wouldn’t attend whenever it happens without resolution. But wanted also to include a positive message.

Probably it is best to just be rid of them all. This brother I have lost a lot of respect/feeling for anyway due to his behaviours over the last years/things he has said/him becoming so massively controlled by this fiancée of his. Maybe you are right axtually, and A childish part of me just wanted to sit down with someone and say “do you remmeber all this terrible stuff that happened to us?” And have a cry about it or something 🤷🏻‍♀️Which makes this statement “Even if you see yourself as an ally as outside of it with this couple - you will be engaged in negativity, anger and pain” absolutely correct and worth bearing in mind.

Shit, now I am very annoyed at myself for having sent the card! Either I will feel a bit rejected if they don’t respond, or won’t Know how to react if they do....

[LemonDrizzles]

You made the right decision. Glad you did it!

[Gutterton]

Ummmm.......

This is a totally toxic family system.

It is a dysfunctional dynamic with many damaged individuals, enmeshed and hurting each other.

IME you need to step well clear of all of them, otherwise you and your children will be hurt.

Your DB is a vile racist and has selected an abusive partner to marry. Together they have chosen to cause your little family a lot of pain and IMHO will continue to do so.

Is there an unrealistic childlike emotional urge to try to rebuild / recapture something that doesn’t exist - or even something darker to build an army against your mother?

This would be you getting right back in the game that you won’t ever win. Even if you see yourself as an ally as outside of it with this couple - you will be engaged in negativity, anger and pain.

This couple are not your friends. They might even consider your actions now as manipulative, they might contact you but it will be an “if” not “when” they punish you again.

None of your family is emotionally safe to be around - even the nice ones - they are not trustworthy individuals- they are all feeding into one toxic system.

Continue on your recovery journey alone - because they will all distract, derail and destroy it.

Focus every minute, every drop of physical energy and every emotional effort solely on yourself so that you can be the best mother you can be and enjoy, free from distraction your babies.