Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

[Toilenstripes]

Yay! Good for you, OP. I’m so happy for you. She blew it big time. Go and enjoy your life and be happy!

[Fightingback16]

Block them all, block all negativity from your life. Takes a whole load of bravery to break chains!

[Aunty5ocial]

I think I remember a previous post when your brothers turned on your DH.
Good on you for sticking up for yourself and your family. NC will come as a relief, I'm sure.

[Kyliesgoldshorts]

I told my mum a whole load of things that’s been bothering me way back in November. She hasn’t contacted me or my 2 dc since. I’ve had such a peaceful quiet few months however my partner urges me frequently to contact her as do some friends. Some people can’t understand having a mother like ours.

[CodenameVillanelle]

Well done! You're so strong!
Block the brothers and be happy.

[cstaff]

Well done OP. I also remember your last thread where your brothers turned on your husband, over lunch if I'm not mistaken. You know they will try again so probably best to cut all of them out of your life. Good luck OP. Here's to a nice relaxing peaceful future.

[Windyatthebeach]

I have similar memories op. Weeing on my bedroom carpet for fear of going to the bathroom. Lots of random men and hearing sex noises.
Moving house 30 +times before I left home at 17. I gave her the chance to be a dgm. Didn't work out - lots of parenting advice and tantrums if I defied her suggestions.
Been nc for nearly 20 years apart from a 2 year blip (contacted her for a legal reason then nc again).. No regrets here op.
Stay strong!!

[smiften]

Fly free OP. Spread those wings, enjoy your life. No looking back, no guilt.

Give your little one the life you should have had.

[Trolltoes]

Have a look at the Stately Homes thread on the Relationships board - there’s a lot there you’ll find familiar

[Lovebug06]

Well done op. You'll be happier in the long run

[Dizzygirl00]

Well done, and yes block them they may be family but you don’t need people like this in your life, enjoy your own family and the rest of your life, stress free you deserve it

[AcrossthePond55]

Oh wonderful! Yes, block each and every person who isn't supporting you in breaking those chains.

Posts like yours always remind me of that scene in Wizard of Oz where the house has landed and Dorothy steps out of the black-and-white house and into Technicolor Oz.

[Ginfordinner]

Agree with blocking all of them from contacting you on every platform, including text, phone and email, as well as WhatsApp, Facebook. Skype, Instagram or any other social media that you use.

You do not need this kind of grief.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

Weirdly, we were quite close before but it was a very emotionally abusive relationship

@Stanleyrainbow
It’s funny - I name changed also because on another thread someone had searched the history and said “you said your mother and you are close on X thread”. I would have said we were close, most days. It’s all just such emotional fuckwittery. So much approval seeking and bending to the will to make everything alright and feel loved.

Well done on your 9 years. How do you feel?

[thethoughtfox]

I remember your previous posts: well done, OP. My DH has cut his mother out of his life and is all the happier for it.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@Windyatthebeach

I am so so so sorry that you have been through similar. For some reason, the idea of having to pee on the floor in my room is what really got to me today! It’s so humiliating and awful and the idea of my own child having to do something like that through fear of me...it just made something in me snap. Fuck her and fuck your mother! Well well done on 20 years.

@Kyliesgoldshorts

Ignore your DH. Some people really just can’t understand if they haven’t experienced it, if they have seen some nice and normal interaction they can’t believe what lies underneath.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

Thank you so much everyone!

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@Butterer

well done!

Hope everyone has plenty of Easter eggs for later (I know I do!)

[Flowersforpowers]

Well done! I cut my father off ten years ago. I've never once looked back. I had no idea what a weight was on my shoulders until it was gone.

[NorthernSpirit]

Well done!

The relief you will feel is immense, although frightening and you will question your decision,

My own mother is toxic. Stopped parenting at around 14. I always felt she was slightly jealous of me and the relationship with my dad. When he sadly died, there was no one to manage her and her bullying intensified.

I haven’t seen her in over 4 years and call her twice a year (in which she spends the call talking at me, she has no interest whatsoever in me, my life and how I am).

I also have very LC with my brother, the golden child & her flying monkey. He only rings me when he wants something or to relay a message.

My advice would be you have made the first step. Stay strong and do not go back.

[NotStayingIn]

Really well done OP. I’m so pleased for you! I can only imagine how hard this must be but please remember none of this is your fault. You deserve so much better then this and now you can focus on a fabulous life for yourself, your DH and child. You should be so proud of yourself!

I would block your brothers too, for the time being anyway.

They might really struggle with the fact the family dynamics have changed. There could be jealousy that you are making your live better and they aren’t, or anger because they are in denial as to how bad things are. As long as you play along all is fine, now it’s like you are holding a mirror up to them and making them question themselves. Bet they don’t like that! Or they could be complicit and actually also be quite damaging for you.

I would suggest blocking them for at least a year or so to give you time to adjust to the new situation. If you are also having to deal with them and the flying monkey antics everything will be harder. (But obviously I don’t know, I just assume this!)

[mrwalkensir]

and if it's not been mentioned on previous threads, there are some great facebook support groups such as "necessary family estrangement"

[Stanleyrainbow]

Now it is a distant memory. I am very happy. We had a weird blip about a year ago. She managed to send me some abusive messages but I just blocked her again. It was upsetting at the time. After all she is still my mum and more than anything I wish it could be different . I realise now though that I do this for me. I am a different person now.
It took a few years to get to this point though and I'm sure it won't be easy for you
It does get better though!

[letsdolunch321]

Huge congratulations to you on taking this brave step 💐👋🏼💐👋🏼💐👋🏼

Block them all, they don't add any joy to your life. Today will be the first day of your new life without these scum who have not helped you at all during your life. DH sounds like a supportive man - well done to him.

Onwards & upwards lovely 😁