Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

Gosh this is just heartbreaking to read, and I know you don't want pity and you sound pretty well rounded and grounded considering the abuse you suffered. So all I can say is well done! Stick to your guns and absolutely fuck her, she doesn't deserve you as a daughter at all ♥

Awesome OP
truly awesome.

And breathe.

From now on your life will be so much happier.

And when the guilt comes - and it will , keep reminding yourself you do deserve to be happy , calm and at peace.

As pp has says , give your children the mother you never had.

Also be your own mother.
It took me a while but I can now mother myself.

It's just a case of catching yourself - with words of 'well done ' 'you can do this. '. 'You're ok / good / pretty / interesting / fun / loving / kind / smart.
Every single day - like you would your beloved children.

Super well done again

Well done.

It's Easter, new life, your new life.

Well done!
Now breath deep the clean air

Well done OP

Have a Happy Easter, and relax.

So glad you have seen the light, they are awful.

Block all of them on everything.

Good for you and keep strong

Oh yes block them all everywhere. My DIL phoned the police when my mother turned up there. You may need to be prepared to do that as well. You may get letters. Do not read, straight into the bin.

@Robin233

I love the idea of being my own comfort like that.

You are all so lovely ❤️

Bravo! You must feel on top of the world. 👏👏👏

I rarely post OP but felt I needed to add to all the ‘well done’ posts. That took a lot of guts....be very proud, enjoy your family and as someone else said ‘you rock!’

I went NC with my parent in my 20s. It's very freeing to not have to worry about what they will think or say about you anymore.
I often feel sad about the relationship, I don't miss him but I miss the fact that I'll never have a normal relationship with him, but giving him another change won't change that.

She is rotten to the core. She has only done one good thing for you in your life and that was to give you life. Everything after that has been one long cruel, abusive tirade.

Block her and keep her blocked. Well done!

Bloody brilliant OP!

You'll have highs and lows but ride it out. You are well rid.

Enjoy your own little family

I'm so sad to hear about the things she made you endure during your childhood OP.

But the biggest hug to you for telling her to fuck off! I think you are absolutely amazing and so brave.

Wishing you a lifetime of support love and happiness going forward! 🌸

You go girl ! Start your new life today minus your mother and brothers. Wishing you all the best x

Bloody brilliant OP.

It’s a very hard move to make but continue to be strong now, block the lot of them and don’t engage.

It’s been a few years now since I went NC with my abusive mother.
At first I was very sad but I realised I was grieving for the mother/daughter relationship we should have had rather than missing her.

Life is much easier without the nastiness, dreading phone calls, getting nasty letters and general bullshit.

You are brave and awesome for doing this, don’t look back

OP. Good for you! Taking control is the first very big step in moving onwards with your life and ridding yourself of know toxicity. It is far better to make the decision to go no-contact and break your own heart than it is to stay in a relationship in which your toxic family members break your heart over and over again.

Come back when you need a pep talk. We will be your cheer squad!

You shouldn't have suffered at her hands.
She doesn't deserve you. Well done

Well done OP. I remember your previous posts and wondered how you were doing. Stay strong, I wish you every happiness with the people who truly love and support you.

block her. block them, on everything. you do not need any of them

Some people can’t understand having a mother like ours

I'm afraid I was one of those and lost a friend for being such an unimaginative fool

I've also noted over the years, that it is my friends who were mistreated as children who are most available to their mothers in their old age, still hanging in there hoping to get their approval.

Well done, OP. Have you thought of getting any counselling?

Good for you OP. Stay strong. She will try and worm her way back in by trying all the tricks in the book.
I had what I consider to be an abusive upbringing. My sibling disagrees, but then she was younger and her experiences were different. Our relationship has always been strained as a result.
Last year we had an argument. Not unusual for us, but this time something changed inside ME. I finally realised I didn’t have to have a relationship with her. No one was forcing it except me.
After the argument I took a massive step back from the relationship and have only seen her once since at a family gathering.
She’s tried everything from buying me presents (she’s never done that before) to getting angry, accusing me of things that are not true, laying on guilt trips etc.
I’ve stood firm but it’s hard. I do feel guilty. But I also feel relieved.
And now she doesn’t have me as a ‘victim’ to take out her aggression on, guess what? She’s now fallen out with another family member.
Because removing the victim doesn’t stop a bully from being a bully.
Your mum will find someone else to do this to. Probably one of your brothers.
Good luck OP.

Well done! And yes, block your brothers too. Give them no opportunities.

((hugs))

Well done. Stick to your guns, or at least keep them all blocked for a year or so, time and distance do wonders in a situation like this and will help you evaluate the situation. Speaking from experience of having estranged from my family for a few years - I'm low contact now and much more in control.