Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

[haveanicedayx]

Im so sorry for your childhood. I am so glad you have a wonderful husband and child and they are what matters now. Well done for being brave.

[Jupiter202020201]

This could not of been an easy thing to do. Sadly we can’t choose our family. I’m sorry you went through those things as a child. You’ve done the right thing, you do not owe her anything and you do absolutely right to put yourself and your family’s happiness above her. It’s empowering to take control of a situation in that way you have done!

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Well done you!

I would say that you should consider blocking your brothers too, but (and I know I'm in a huge minority here) maybe give them a single chance NOT to fuck you over? If they've fucked you over loads before then sod it, block away. But if there's any chance that they would actually be on your side, then maybe don't block them until they fuck it up.

I'm bloody hopeless at spotting who namechangers are, so quite possibly if I remembered you from other threads I would also say "Block immediately", depending on how shitty they've been to you too.

Your life is going to be heaps better though without worrying about the manipulative creature who gave birth to you - I hope you find a new joy in everything now!

[Lexijayde44]

I have a mild case of having a toxic mother. A very mild case compared. My mum do don't want children. She managed to mother us with food, keeping us clean and clothed. She set rules and was not nasty to us . Fast forward to me becoming a mum in 2015 and my god something came spilling to the surface. I realised she had never hugged me. Never gave me a kiss or told me she loved me. She walked away from me when I cried. She brought up things from years ago when I wasn't coping to tell me what an idiot I had been. Examples. Crying over boys etc. I got pregnant at 18 and she made it all about her. I was so sad and alone I had an abortion. She didn't even turn the hoover off when I told her I had booked it. She didn't get out of bed on the morning I went in..when I got home I knew she wouldn't be there for me. I was right. I sat next to her and she had Emmerdale on. She said nothing. I went to bed. The next day my boyfriend's auntie gave me a huge hug and made me cry. Years later my mum had the cheek to say I came back like nothing had happened. If only she knew I cried into a pillow and went through days of grief.


Sorry to ramble. The point to my post is my children were the reason I realised she had raised me wrong. She had taught me nothing about let be, support and being close. Because of my mum I never gained the confidence my friends had as young adults. I never was the life and soul. I am average looking and yet I feel like I cant wear a dress. Because all my life she had commented on the bad parts (thick thighs) (messy wavy hair)

I'm pleased you told her to fuck off! I'm still working through my emotions. I have been for five years. I love my mum but I have really struggled to be "me" around her as a mother myself. I feel she stops me being who I want to be even now. She's on my Facebook page and I often can't tell someone they look lovely or something because she can't stand affection like that.

Your mum's vile and from this post I can see there's no way of continuing a relationship with her. I expect she's jelous of you and the fact you are living more. I often get comments and I know now that it's because my mum struggles to see me ahead of her. Me going shopping in different cities and being close to my daughter doesn't please her. She wants me to be like her. She barely mixes. I mix in a small circle. Yet she still calls me unsociable. I do alot more than she ever did. You just have to give your kids a better life xx

[Mlou32]

Block her. Abuse can twist your view of situations but rest assured, you did the right thing. You'll probably have a few wobbles in the future, doubting if you've done the right thing. You have. Block the lot of them, breathe a big breath of fresh air and go ahead and enjoy your new life.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

It’s a very validating thing to have strangers on the Internet read these incredibly
Personal and distressing experiences of mine and say “you are right here. She behaved badly”. And I thank you all
For that/

@bringbacksideburns

Yes - you remember correctly. She does indeed still drink and therein lies some
Of the problems. She has said and done fairly horrific things whilst sober too, but I think a lot of that will be because she is uncomfortable or unhappy from being sober or hungover or whatever it is. Eg me wanting to spend time with her as a teenager and her saying she doesn’t want to etc. I do sometimes wonder why people like this have children. She has repeatedly expressed delight at my having two boys because “boys are so much better than girls”. Which is quite an awful thing to say to your daughter, really! The irony being that her own mother treated her brother far better than she treated her, and this is something she often laments about.

Thank goodness for lockdown; in this specific scenario: it gives me respite from anyone dropping by; and it means that things are not in their usual routine.

I am so sorry for anyone who has been through similar. It’s encouraging to hear that people have been able to stick to things.

[MzHz]

You’re amazing! Huge congratulations and massive hug for the huge feat of courage you’ve achieved here!

Yes to blocking them all, yes to expecting all manner of attempts to pull you - their victim- back in.

Call the police

Every. Single. Time.

Don’t ever back down, don’t ever give in. You had nobody else o protect you from her, but you’re now the one protecting your lovely dc and husband from their evil.

This is a great day!

[Mlou32]

@Lexijayde44 did your mum maybe suffer abuse/neglect herself and so geuinely doesn't have those feelings in her/is unable to express them? I'm not excusing her at all and I'm sorry to hear how you feel. It was just a thought.

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@Lexijayde44

Oh my goodness I am so sorry! Your post has made me feel sad - realised she had never hugged me. Never gave me a kiss or told me she loved me. She walked away from me when I cried this is awful, really awful. As is the abortion stuff and you feeling you cannot be yourself, even on Facebook? Could you not limit her profile, as a first step? I am sending you a virtual hug. My husband was never hugged or kissed by his mother and I think it really is such an important part of being a child and feeling loved and nurtured. You are right - it’s having your own baby and feeling all of that love which can flip a switch and make you think “who the fuck does that?!”

[Lexijayde44]

@mlou32

She had an operation as a two year old and was in hospital a long time. She has nothing but nice things to say about her parents. They were born in 1914 though so times were different I guess. I think something changed her. I don't even resent her for it. I wish I did understand more why she can't stand those things. It's just hard to see the closeness other people have with their mums. When I was pregnant my mum didn't want to come to my 4d scan. She wouldn't come to the hospital after the birth. She was happy. But she just can't do the mother daughter stuff.

[GigiLamour]

You are so right to ave done this.

Keep on blocking!

[Finallybloodydoneit]

It's just hard to see the closeness other people have with their mums

If it makes you feel better; my mother has always been very tactile with me, even as an adult. So physical affection does not always represent a healthy relationship either

[TARSCOUT]

I remember what your mum and brothers did to your husband. Yes OP block them all. Take this time in lockdown to do some healing and gather your strength. You have started to take control now. You decide what happens now. First bloody bit of good (but still sad) news I've heard in weeks! Go you!!

[7yo7yo]

I remember your previous thread.
Well done op!
They sound awful.
Good on you.

[Lexijayde44]

@Finallybloodydoneit it was definitely a dark time. I remember alot about the abortion and the sadness leading up to it. I was 10 weeks and had laid in bed for a month with low blood pressure and throwing up. I felt like I was dying (dramatic I know) my parents didn't even offer me drinks or toast. One thing that bothers me to this day is I can't remember the date. All I remember is it was September 2008. I went through some grief last year about this again. As a 31 year old I can't relate to the old me and I wish that I had kept the baby.

Sending you a huge hug too. It's damaging even in mild cases. It makes you lack confidence as an adult and it holds you back. Thankfully I cuddle and kiss my own kids. We are close. I am glad I've broken the cycle. My sister has ended up abit like my mum although she's not as bad with hers.

I bet you feel a massive relief? Sadly not all mothers were meant to be mother's.

[TheFormidableMrsC]

I just wanted to say how brave you are, block the lot of them, look forward and don't look back. You deserve a lovely life without them in it

[Cissyandflora]

I’d block them all for now. You don’t really need any more abuse. Especially with the way the world is now. In future you might be able to speak to your brothers. But maybe not. Totally up to you. I’m presuming your mother knows how you feel about your childhood. She doesn’t deserve you. I would have adopted you. Anyway, great that you’re happy now. Have a few weeks off all family interaction. And you might find it suits you permanently.

[ifIwerenotanandroid]

OP, I've gone NC (No Contact) with virtually all of my family, so I know what it's like including how amazing it can feel when someone says, "Yes, you're right & they're wrong". You ARE right, you're a great person & you deserved better as a child & as an adult, from your family.

Sometimes the only thing to do is to walk away for the future health & wellbeing of you & your family - the real, loving family which is you, your DH & your child. Congratulations on doing that. Well done for realising where your anger is really (& justifiably) targetted.

Yes, they may well try to contact you directly or via FMs (you don't have to respond). They may try emotional blackmail. They may try to shame you (you have nothing to be ashamed of). They may sound reasonable & concilliatory - or controlling & bullying. They may run a smear campaign against you once they realise you're not going back to how it used to be (thus, they think, justifying themselves to other people - it doesn't always work for them). Mine did all of the above. Just let them get on with it. They're nothing to do with you now.

The loss of one's family is hard; but living with a toxic family is harder. You've not only done the right thing for yourself & your DH, you're saving the next generation from the toxicity as well. All the best to you.

[KisstheTeapot14]

Well done, its a hard move to tell the truth in a dysfunctional family.

I think it will be very good for you in the long term, and your kids will get to understand that no-one has the right to treat children/grown ups the way your mother has.

You have done a brave thing - won't be easy but I am sure things will shift for you emotionally - things maybe even now you are not yet aware of - and your kids will witness the power of doing the right thing even when its the hard thing. Good for you - sticking up for yourself, on behalf of you now and on behalf you as a child who couldn't all those years ago.

If I had a medal right now, I'd send it you.

[TheNoodlesIncident]

Massive respect to you OP! It's easy to say, harder to actually do.

And yes to blocking, give yourself some breathing space.

[Starrynight73]

I cut contact with my DM over 2 years ago now due to her manipulative and toxic behaviour, similar to you very abusive childhood and adult as well. Also id have said at dome point we were close but I realised we were close on "her terms" it was never a balanced, respectable relationship....not one day have I regretted it. Not one. Like previous posters have said I just felt relief and empowered. You got this!!

[Finallybloodydoneit]

@Starrynight73

I strongly relate to your post! Well done!

[TopShelf]

Well done op, block them all and don't look back.

I went NC many years ago with my whole family and don't regret it one bit

Recently one of them tracked me down and I very gingerly agreed contact from some of them.
My goodness, what a mistake that was.in retrospect it's confirmed I did the right thing all those years ago. This time it's for keeps, come what may.

In time you'll find a calmness and peace that you've never experienced before.
Good luck

[MadCattery]

You didn't deserve to be treated like that as a child, and you don't deserve it now. You have built your own beautiful family, and none of you need that negative energy around. Don't allow her to wheedle her way back in. Back away, don't listen and don't allow it. You are an adult now, and you are allowed to choose who you wish to be involved in your life, and the life of your child. Step away, allow yourself to heal and don't go back.

[Maybeimweird]

Well done! The part of hearing sexual encounters really just makes me feel uncomfortable for you along side all of the other things. Well done for being so brave! It must feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders don't ever feel guilty, thank goodness you have made another new loving family