Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

100% sos we are all our own expert witness - we can ask for advice, listen to suggestions - but ultimately we KNOW

To be clear - the therapist is someone who I do trust, she has helped me so much. And her overriding message was “no, you do NOT need anyone in your life who hurts you, mother or not”. She was also very clear that I have managed to do everything for myself emotionally without any help whatsoever from my mother, and that my mother is a terrible mother etc etc. Lots of talking about my inner child, as on this thread.

I really appreciate all the advice - it echoes my own feeling. I simply do not feel the need to write to my mother, and I don’t even really feel the need to write a letter to burn. I’ve been able to vocalise my feelings to DH and therefore internally, and that’s why I am feeling very calm and content.

I certainly do not want to open any lines of communication or make any sort of implications that I will speak to her again. Because I doubt I will. I do need to find a way to mentally deal with bumping into her, because the supermarket experience was rattling. I suppose it made me feel like a naughty teenager who had done wrong and Was scared of being told off. I’m sure over time it will become easier.

My therapist said I could speak to my parents about the issues I had with them but I had to be prepared that a) it possibly wouldn't change anything and b) i has to be prepared that it make 'harm' me and undo the good work I had done up till then in my own understanding of what damage had been done to me.
I decided not to bother as I didn't think either of them would be prepared to listen and hear me anyway.

Well done you! I've had no contact with the woman that's calls herself my mother for 12 years. Best things I did for myself and my children. She used me in my teen years to be a full time carer for my disabled brother while she happily spent his disability money then when I got a job told me I would have to pay her £800 of my £1000 a month wages as that's what she lost in child benefit. Honestly it's the best thing that she's no longer n my life x

Well done, as someone who went NC with my dad until the months when he was dying it was liberating but you can also expect it to be painful over the years too. It sounds like you are doing great though with putting emotional support in place.

Trying to build a relationship was awful, I needed to do it to try and get closure but he hadn't changed. I still don't regret trying though.

Finally - I know the feeling of blind panic about what you will do if you bump into her. I am always asking my husband things like this and he just says “go back to the rule book - what does it say?” - it’s like I forget what to do - it’s the hyper vigilance of trauma that makes your mind go blank with panic - like a child. But we have it covered. I would go back to over the thread and cut and paste bits that help you make a rule book- keep them on you phone and refer to them everyday like a mantra, so that you are prepared. Practise the phrases out loud - practice what it’s like to keep walking past someone, nod and wave, keep moving etc - you could go out for a walk and deliberately practice it with your neighbours.

I think that we imagine that we will literally be pinned in a corner with no where to run being screamed at.

It’s not going to be like that - imagine passing her in a supermarket aisle - keep going - don’t bolt etc. Hold your nerve.

In some ways you might want to get the “first bumping into her” actively over and done with - so she knows the score - so if you know her routine - intercept her - and do your nod and wave and walk by. Then you are in control.

Have you read the Susan Forward book Toxic Parents? It is incredibly powerful - there are so many helpful strategies. I would highly recommend it.

That’s useful advice from Gutterton. I actively use the word ‘boundaries’ when I’m feeling wobbly. Write it down on a piece of paper, draw thick lines around it, go over it in thick black pen. It reminds me that it’s up to me to say what happens in my life, I don’t have to appease people who don’t respect the boundaries I’ve chosen.

Don’t be drawn in to their drama, be kind, be polite, have boundaries.

I think to a certain extent you have done this OP except instead of writing to your mum you have been sharing your experience with us on mn and getting what I would hope, would be a more positive response from most people on here, even if they are complete strangers, than you would ever receive from her.

Have you mentioned your on going conversation on here with your therapist. She may take a different view if she knew.

The only thing I am unsure of was that she suggested I write my mother a letter, to essentially say I need a time out from her and the family. To explain I want space upon reflection

Sounds to me like your therapist doesn't get the gravity of the situation. You have gone NC, you don't seem to want space at all, you want NC!

Writing and sending a letter is surely counterproductive to that! Not to mention gives (your mum) the opportunity to paint as the villain to others...(showing letter to other as "proof" that you are in the wrong, so to speak)

Not to mention... the crushing rejection you will experience if she doesn't acknowledge it/you!

@Gutterton

Thank you as ever for very good advice! I have been screenshotting and will compile a folder to use as rules. I have bought the book but not yet started reading, but I will.

@cstaff
I didn’t mention it to her, but I absolutely do see and agree with what you are saying. Likewise, having spoken to my DH so much about it I feel like I don’t have anything further to say - I especially don’t have anything further to say to her. Usually I’m the sort of person who would want to do this sort of thing, and DH said it has occurred to him several times that me not even mentioning sending a text or similar shows just how much I don’t want to! He is right - I am just not interested. This has been such a helpful forum for discussion and reflection, and seeing other people’s experiences and reading their advice and understanding has been so cathartic, that, as you say, it does render a letter to her as pointless. I’ve even able to say the things I want to say!

@differentnameforthis

Yes - I agree with you. She said “hate and never” are strong words (I didn’t use either of them but I know what she means). But I find it much easier to be black and white about this. The idea of finding a way forward opens the gate to all sorts of mental gymnastics i am not prepared to do. She will never change. She will never be sorry. She will never see things from my side. She’s a shit mother and she always was, and my eyes have fully been opened to that. There is nothing to be gained from any other mindset:

Wow @Finallybloodydoneit !
Go you! 👏🏻

What an Amazon (warrior woman not retailer! 😁) you are becoming.

I just wanted to update that I invited my brother (The one who did apologise re comments to DH, and occasionally messages on Instagram) to DS’ birthday in July. Today he has come back and said no, as DS’ grandmother and other uncle have been excluded.

I am relieved to know where things stand, well ahead of the birth of my second son. If this is his position, it’s obviously ok because he will just not be a part of our life, like the others. I feel a little rattled by the wording inferring it’s my fault for the “exclusion” and the wording around DS’ grandmother etc, rather than our mother. All very possessive.

I’ve just sent a positive and polite response saying I had hoped we could have a relationship separately but if not I totally understand, and better to know now 😊

It’s unpleasant but I suppose had to happen. Also 1/3 of the way through “toxic parents” by Susan Forward, as suggested by @Gutterton - I highly recommend it; it’s incredible. Really crazy how many things have been spot on.

I was secretly worried that the “nice” brother would let you down. And he has. Your DM has got in his head and “won” - she is a nasty, nasty c**t - still abusing you indirectly and so twisted that she will overturn the birthday party of a toddler and hurt her grandchild in her tantrum.

But it’s great that this has happened now and there will not be any last minute shenanigans on the day to pollute your child’s birthday.

Well done on your calm dignified response. Don’t be drawn on any dialogue with your DB. That’s what they want - more content to chew over - don’t give it to them. Also they want to beat you down so that you give in and invite them all over.

They have no clue it will be different this time.

And you have won your freedom. Your “nice” brother is welcome to her. He can manage her nonsense now - and once you, her whipping boy, is out of the picture - she will turn on one of them to get her emotional release.

Having zero contact and info about them - by blocking and stopping anyone in their tracks who even brings them up is the way to go - because every bit of info can be triggering - which just pulls your recovery back.

@gutterton

Thank you for the input; I actually feel sorry for my brother in a lot of ways. He is so dependent on her, emotionally and financially. I don’t doubt that it he really explored what he wanted from his life and the abuse suffered in his childhood (as the second youngest, he actually went through a lot of the awful abuse too. Plus he reminded my mother of my father, a fact she never let him forget). It’s not my problem now, but my therapist did say to me that it’s amazing the youngest sibling managed to climb out of the mire without any assistance, whilst the three eldest are very much damaged, codependent and enmeshed. It’s no coincidence that they are all also alcoholics, as she is, that they cannot have one drink without having ten and getting paralytic.

I agree fully that it’s better to know well ahead of the party. It also prepares me for the birth of my second son as it is extremely clear to me now none of them will be welcome, even him, and I feel very strong about that now. No confusion.

My question would be, do I block him? He has made his position clear and my thought was yes, best to block. But DH thinks it’s unnecessary as it’s childish and I will refuse to get drawn into a back and forth.

They have no clue it will be different this time

This thought is what runs through my head and gives me a lot of strength. No doubt they wrote the message together whilst getting shitfaced over lunch. The old me would have been over emotional, explosive and verbose in response. Very much a “are you serious?! You will miss his birthday?! It’s not my fault they aren’t coming blah blah”. But this is all so different and I feel so calm; I’m not playing games and writing what I think will disarm them - I’m writing how I truly feel. Yes, I had hoped he would be able to be different. If he can’t that’s also ok - I steeled myself for
The possibility and better to know.

It’s a bit sad in a way but I’m amazed at how good/strong I feel.

*This thought is what runs through my head and gives me a lot of strength. No doubt they wrote the message together whilst getting shitfaced over lunch. The old me would have been over emotional, explosive and verbose in response. Very much a “are you serious?! You will miss his birthday?! It’s not my fault they aren’t coming blah blah”. But this is all so different and I feel so calm; I’m not playing games and writing what I think will disarm them - I’m writing how I truly feel. Yes, I had hoped he would be able to be different. If he can’t that’s also ok - I steeled myself for
The possibility and better to know.

It’s a bit sad in a way but I’m amazed at how good/strong I feel.*

Because you are starting to feel in control which you haven't before. You've always been chasing the praise/inclusion/love and you've started to realise that you don't need or want that anymore. They are starting to chase you instead.
You're doing incredibly, be prepared for some lows to go along with the highs. It's taken them years to condition your responses so it will take a while for you to 'uncondition' yourself iykwim.

@Finallybloodydoneit
My question would be, do I block him? He has made his position clear and my thought was yes, best to block. But DH thinks it’s unnecessary as it’s childish and I will refuse to get drawn into a back and forth.
Yes OP. I think I would block them all. The RELIEF of not seeing their name come up on my phone or not to dread that they MIGHT be calling is immense.

I recently blocked a member of my family on everything and no longer have to take a deep breath when I answer the phone or wonder how longer before I excuse myself and cut the call. I was one of the few in my family who would make an approach or accept his call and now he has one less.

I don't wish him ill, far from it. I just no longer want him in my life.

Tell them all to FUCK OFF block block block. Change your number. Start fresh. It will be a load lifted. Xxx shes a monster they are monsters. You seem to be getting through life ok. What a damm shame. I hope your ok x

Ok - DH also has a pretty shocking mother. So his point of view re not blocking them (and my initial response) was “not looking childish”. But we’ve had a chat and realised that it shouldn’t bloody matter to us if they think I/we look childish! Because we don’t want them in our lives! Who cares?!

So now they are all blocked, everywhere 😉

Well done YOU!! And your DH too! 💐

Glad you got to that decision. It gives you freedom from being triggered if they text or call. It should be no surprise to your DB - he is equally as bad happy be a dick to his toddler nephew on his birthday. Spineless.

They are all sick in this toxic soup. Step well away and shake them all off.

Not caring what they think, do or tell others is your power. That’s when you get your head out of their game playing. And blocking them helps this.

There will be many incidents in the next year that will unsettle you (stuff getting back to you - expect a smear campaign, things they do, crisis they make up, stuff they send you etc) - and these things will upset you because you are human - but the important bit is that they don’t get to see, hear or sense any of your anger or hurt - because this is their fuel. Don’t give them to pleasure any emotional behaviour. Do (process) all of those feelings in your own home, via a journal, with your DH, therapist, on here etc - but never let them see or know it.

Your zero response, calm dignity and cool indifference, looking through them is your weapon. It will get better and better and after a year or so you will never look back.

Be proud of your progress - tot it all up - you have done x days, chosen to react in a different way to y number of taunts etc.

It’s all incremental and it’s about putting in the distance. It’s hard and painful but the end goal is worth it.

I think if you have this sort of family/parenting and you start to see the patterns and the behaviour that drive it, it loses its power to provoke you. It still hurts but you learn to quietly defend yourself by moving away, instead of soaking up the blame in the hope of stopping the assault.

Your brothers may learn to see that you have protected yourself and follow your example in the future. That’s up to them.

Thank you for the comments. It’s laughable to me now, reading this book especially, but during my last conversation with my mother she actually said “DARVO” to me. She was honestly trying to say that I am her abuser. Me. The child! 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

@Fanthorpe

Yes - you are right. Now that I have understood I was just seeking approval and desperately looking for love (where I was never, ever going to find it no matter what), it has become far easier to shut off my search and accept my mother is just a shithead and let me down/it’s a futile mission. And be content with the huge love i have with DH and DS.

@Gutterton

The alcoholics section in this book has been, in particular, very compelling reading for me.

Your mum is a loon @Finally not much you can do about that. She wants so badly to be the victim. Keep reading that book - Toxic Parents is good stuff!

That actually broke my heart about you having to pee on the floor....no child should feel unsafe in their own home 💔

However...you’re away from all that now thank god!!! Block them all....live a happy life with them out of it xxx