Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

Hey everyone - I don’t want to sound like a wet blanket but just having a bit of a wobble today thinking about what’s going to happen when DS2 is born in 7/8 weeks. It’s been 5 weeks since I spoke to my mother. Ultimately I feel much happier but I occasionally notice her or my siblings walking past my house and it does hurt me that she doesn’t love me enough/care (neither do they) to check on me, or my son, or to try to patch things up.

Again, I know I sound a bit pathetic I’m just wondering if I brace myself for 0 contact when son is born, or nasty messages - and which is worse/better.

Just feeling a bit down. You’ve all been so lovely and supportive so thought I’d post here x

Speaking as the grandchild of a narcissist who wishes her mum had broke free - no contact. Protect your son.
No need to wobble. Dont expose your child to a nasty person in any way, at any point. Ir he will grow up thinking he us supposed to be accepting of ppl who treat him like shit.

Of course it hurts to know without doubt they don't really care/love you. Deep down you already knew this...

This is why therapy is helpful, someone to help you unpick the complex feelings it all brings up. Let yourself grieve for the Mum you should have had and deserve to have had

@RandomMess

Thank you - you are right, I would like to speak to someone as it is just such an obvious “we don’t give a fuck about you”. Just difficult to know how/when/who to speak to.

DH and I just had a very long chat about how much my family all drink and how our son would start to become aware of that from now really, and how we don’t want that for him. Or he would be aware that 7/10 I come home either moderately or extremely upset by something they have said/done. So quite a natural break now really. Just hurts.

It’s natural to be hurt. It’s hard to get your head around because all the other mothers love their children and you love your children and why are they like that and it’s SO unfair.

Especially as you are embarking on a new baby with the hormones etc.

Sometimes it will hurt, sometimes you will be and sometimes you won’t think about it.

Eventually you will mostly not think about it.

@Aussiebean

Thank you for your words - I am sure you are right.

I've been thro this.
Its not a wobble, its pain.
Like someone else said, what you e been through is wrong and not natural and it hurts.
Cry, and you'll feel better.
Remember why you did it and don't go back.

This is heartbreaking to read about your childhood and how your mother still behaves! I wouldn’t have anything to do with your mother again or your brothers. It’s sounds so complex and you shouldn’t have to deal with that in your life still as an adult yourself. You have your own little family now and that’s your priority! Take no note of the rest.

@Finallybloodydoneit
My goodness OP! I've just seen this thread (I've only recently rejoined MN) so I'm far behind the curve. I can't really add to the excellent, wise advice you've had here (MN at its best) but wanted to say how VERY much I admire your strength.

How you've managed to come out of the maelstrom and heartbreak of your childhood to be the positive person you are today is just wonderful. I'm sending you a huge lockdown hug and also to all of those on here who have gone through similar tough childhoods. Power to you all! 🤗🌈

Speaking to an ooooold therapist from
Years ago who vaguely knows the back story (if they can remember) next week. I trust her and it will be good to unpack some of this and address how it hurts in order to move on/past it. Especially
Before the birth of baby.

Feel sick - was in a queue outside Tesco and mother walked round the corner to join. I had seen her drive past so was prepared that she might and just left the queue as didn’t want to face her. Hope she didn’t see me.

Sounds like you did the right thing for you. Which is great.

Feeling sick is to be expected, you are doing something against your training. Even though you know it’s the right thing to do doesn’t make it easy.

It will get easier.

Thank you! I hope so as we live so near her these run ins are bound to happen

Any chance of moving?

Bought this house a year ago; a year of renovations and we have only just moved in! It’s our dream house - moving really not an option, annoyingly

If it comes to it, moving could be worth it...

Sanity and happiness come first!

Well done!

You don't need that kind of negativity. Life really is too short to tolerate abusive relationships.

My mum was emotionally abusive when I was younger then would always be so nice afterwards buying me things to say sorry. I was the result of a one night stand when she was 17, dad didn't want to know.

She was a victim of domestic violence when I was very little and sometimes I would witness her alcoholic boyfriend attack her. I still remember the blue lights flashing outside one night after one incident.

I was six when she decided to move me and my brother who was just one at the time, to Plymouth to escape him. I was physically abused by my brother's dad from the get go and she would just stand and watch him do it. And I forgave her because I understood she would've been terrified of being hit again. She would often allow me to walk to school on my own which was far from where we lived and would order me to my room whenever my brother's dad came round.

Eventually I went to live with my Nanna and I didn't hear from my mum once until one night she came back unannounced with presents and her absence was forgotten about. I was barely seven when I left her, nearly eight when she returned.

We were never really close. She has never said she loves me or hugged me or gave me any sort of encouragement with anything.

My brother's dad also moved onto sexually abusing me too from when I was about ten/ eleven years until 13/14. I reported him and she took his side. She would call me names and say I was a mistake and she never loved me, just put up with me because she didn't agree with abortion.

It has always been like this though. Nothing is ever her fault, it is always someone else's. She is unable to take responsibility for any wrongdoing.

It has been five years since I made the decision to go no contact.

I still feel guilty sometimes. It is hard as I have two younger siblings in their teenage years and they know nothing about the history between me and her. My sister has always been vocal about how she wishes I would give her another chance and it is hard to explain to her why I can't.

It hasn't been easy as I have had dozens of messages calling me uncaring and selfish (she is in ill health but hasn't been diagnosed with anything and is forever talking about her ailments), I have had her stalking my profiles on social media. I have lost count how many times I have had to block her and her numerous accounts that keep appearing.

The hardest part is having to watch other people have close relationships with their mums wishing I could/could've had that. I have been lucky enough to have had positive 'mum' role models. I am still in contact with one of them but she lives in Australia. The others have always been in the form of teachers or some authority figure.

I promised myself if I ever had a child I would do everything in my power to not follow in her footsteps. It is bad enough I endured suffering. There was and is no way my DD is going to suffer at her hands too.

We deserve so much better OP. Keep being strong.

phoenixwings No words. Appalling. Respect to you - it’s amazing to me that you are still functioning.
Have you had any professional support to soothe your trauma?

@phoenixwings
Oh my word. How did you manage to survive that from not just your mum but your step dad also. I have read some real horror stories on here but bloody hell, yours has managed to surpass pretty much all the others.

I hope things have improved and continue to get better for you and that you have a good life despite them.

@phoenixwings

What a traumatic childhood and how brave you are! Well done for 2 yeArs of NC. Definitely do not feel guilty - she condoned your abuse by refusing to stop it, and shouldn’t be around you or your children. Thank you for sharing your experience; sending you a very big hug 🌸 your mother didnt and doesn’t deserve you xxx

@phoenixwings
You have picked the right username for yourself. My heart goes out for that little girl and I do admire the woman you have become.

Stay strong my dear. Don't be afraid to get counselling for yourself if you think it might help to talk to someone professional and neutral.

Continue to protect yourself and teach your children to be as strong as you. 🌹

Thanks so much for your kind words. It makes a change from hearing how much of a crappy person I am for not reconciling with her.

I had counselling after I reported the abuse thanks to my school arranging it but didn't find it useful. I also had CBT which helped a bit but most of it I already knew. The thing that helped most was seeing a psych to unravel all the trauma and damage done by her but I am having to battle to restart it. I was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome in 2017 and the department in my area has put it down to me not being social than anything else.

@Finallybloodydoneit how are you finding NC? It was really difficult for me for the first few months with her antics but I was happier overall and still am. I was also really anxious all the time I was pregnant with my DD as I was bracing myself for more nastiness but surprisingly nothing came. All that I received was a message saying she wished I would allow her to be there for me and her granddaughter... Granddaughter by blood maybe but that's it.

The unbelievable part of it is the people calling me for not having contact know about the history and even witnessed the neglect and emotional trauma of my younger siblings. Still she has support.

What can you do though? 🤷‍♀️

I had some counselling which helped me see why I am the way I am.
Helped hugely and something I heard around that time made me think of the posters on here who say 'mine wasn't as bad as yours' And I think it might help. So if you broke your leg and your friend broke both legs would that mean your leg wasn't broken?

Going back to the op
You're grieving. You're grieving the loss of your mother. Not the one you have gone nc with but the mother you should have had. The mother you deserved and the relationship you should have had with her. It took me a long time to get past that and seeing that I would never have the relationship I see friends having with their mothers. (And fathers) it hurt. But I am making sure I'm a good mother to my children and know how I want them to be raised differently to how I was.
The little girl you were is grieving so be kind to yourself. Sometimes when I felt myself getting low I'd have a little internal chat with my younger self and remind her that she's ok and I'm looking after her now. Sounds a bit daft but it did help.
I really hope you get something useful out of the counselling because I genuinely believe it saved me. I didn't go nc with my parents but I keep them at arms length now and I don't engage with any of the game playing. Mother is a narcissist and my father is probably the same. It's heartbreaking and I remember breaking down in my first session sobbing 'what did I do that meant they couldn't put me first?'

Anyway sorry that's so disjointed. I wrote it down as I was thinking it so it probably makes little sense!

A very good friend of mine had a similarly miserable upbringing. It has been her family husband and son that have inspired her to carry on. My comment would be if she had discussed more with her husband in early years of their meeting she would be less defensive and even solitary than she is. So do make sure that you talk about the 'wobble', the queue incident.

Keep looking outward.

Am also NC with my mother. Huge hugs for you, op. It's hard initially, but she is never going to be the mother that you need. You will, and need to grieve. That's OK. It OK to be sad, and miss what you deserved. Doesn't mean you miss her.

This sounds trite, but look after that little girl inside of you, you are all she has.

I am also NC with my sister and brother, because they are too much like her, and are not worth it. My life is better, easier without them.