Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

Thank you for all the support messages: I agree a lot with the “looking after the little girl inside” message. I read “Eleanor Oliphant is fine” this week and found it very cathartic. Of course her mother is much worse than mine but the idea of being able to acknowledge and free yourself from such horrible childhood experiences was soothing to read.

I’m actually back to just feeling a bit low level angry when I think about her. I keep thinking about all the other shit she “ruined” by her cruelty. Moments like me starting my period and being so upset but also proud of myself and her dismissing me so utterly that I went to the bathroom and cried. Not the “how exciting - let’s go for some ice cream” I would do with my own daughter, if I had one (Whcih I am very nervous about actually, given the awful relationship with my mother). How do other people cope with having daughters if they had been made the black sheep? Do you worry about this??

Or when I lost my virginity and she found out, and told all her friends and allowed one very sleazy male friend (who later put his hands down my trousers and she did nothing about it/stayed friends) to say “no you’re not allowed to order a virgin pina colada”, and everyone laughed at me.

It’s all so shitty. Shitty shitty shitty. She was and is a shit mother. Her interest in my increased with the planning of my “high brow” wedding because of her FOMO and need to show off, and then with my pregnancy due, again, to her need to show off. She was clearly only at the birth (invited herself) because she wanted to use it as a scorecard with her grandmother friends. The more I think about how close she lives to me and how she hasn’t visited me but visits my siblings, the more I think she’s a fucking waste of space. I would never ever do any of this to my son.

I can’t wait to speak to the therapist on Tuesday.

Just venting here - it’s been so incredible to read about the strength of people going NC and what everyone has been through. Makes me very optimistic about the whole thing.

I have two daughters and I used to envy a couple of friends who had amazing relationships with their teenage daughters. I used to think it was so unusual and feel sad that I couldn't have that.
After speaking to my therapist I realised that what I went through wasn't the norm and that I could easily have a great relationship with my daughters just by being the mum I wanted but didn't get.
It was hard at first because little FiveMinutes is hurting and angry but I'm getting there and the decrease in anger after the counselling was huge,

@IJustWantFiveMinutesAlone

Thank you - I’m so pleased to hear things can be the way you want them to. I know of course things can be different because of how I am with my little boy but the challenge does feel a lot more like it would exist with daughter just because of the dynamic of thinking “boys are the best”. It’s all I’ve heard my whole life. How old are your daughters?

This is an amazing book with loads of feelings and themes that you will recognise - also practical tips on how to manage the situation so that you can cope. It’s been a No1 best seller by a top expert for many years and even though I am 5 years on in my journey - I learnt so much (read it this week) and it has shifted me on further.

This is a tough tough time - staying in contact may even have been easier in the short term - BUT you know when you are DONE.

Lots of time to reflect and feel with a good therapist, your DH, online communities etc as well as taking lots of time to self care and distract you is essential through this v difficult first year. After that it’s a massive release. But you will be reflecting on some v brutal and painful memories. Loads of confusion and exhaustion. But these need to come OUT of your subconscious otherwise the burden will control and direct your own motherhood.

You are doing great. When you have an urge to rage at her or to capitulate - look at your little child and your bump and tell them I am doing this for you - because they need a Mum who has worked through the abuse, who has coloured in and addressed the deficits and wounds she inflicted on your personality. You can’t do that with the perpetrator still actively in your life.

www.waterstones.com/book/toxic-parents/susan-forward9780553814828?awaid=3787&utm_source=redbrain&utm_medium=shopping&utm_campaign=css&gclid=Cj0KCQjwzZj2BRDVARIsABs3l9LGz10UxzCQy8GrWXRxyhIETjzduVA87wIZYlajs1PXr9iX3N4UwFAaAq_3EALw_wcB&awc=3787_1590088539_a678dbbfc95a665057b485185dccedf1

“How do other people cope with having daughters if they had been made the black sheep? Do you worry about this??”

My childhood was nowhere near as bad as yours but I have a lot of anger about it that I’m currently working through.

I have two daughters (5 and 8) and I take @IJustWantFiveMinutesAlone’s approach of being the mum I wanted. I tell them I love them all the time, I pay attention to them, I am so proud of them - they are great kids. The thought of them experiencing what I did is so unthinkable to me.

You sound so self aware OP, I’m sure if you have a daughter your relationship with her will be positive, simply because you know where your mum went wrong and you will not repeat it. Good luck with your new baby and your happy new life. 💐

@Gutterton

Are you a therapist? I am always astounded by how pertinent and poignant your posts are. It’s impossible to imagine that someone has such depth of insight without professional training!

Will purchase the book today x

Thank you - I’m so pleased to hear things can be the way you want them to. I know of course things can be different because of how I am with my little boy but the challenge does feel a lot more like it would exist with daughter just because of the dynamic of thinking “boys are the best”. It’s all I’ve heard my whole life. How old are your daughters?
They are 12 and 14

Finallybloodydoneit I have learnt so much from the very wise, kind, encouraging and supportive women, over many years, on here who have lived and breathed the full range of traumatic situations - which sadly all follow v similar trajectories.

Many posters also have relevant professional or volunteering experience and their insights, along with my own brilliant personal therapist, have transformed my life.

Solutions can often be quite simple intellectually - but not always easy emotionally - but there is a much richer life to be lived out the other side if you push through.

Moments like me starting my period and being so upset but also proud of myself and her dismissing me so utterly that I went to the bathroom and cried. Not the “how exciting - let’s go for some ice cream” I would do with my own daughter, if I had one

This resonates. I was 13 when I started, and was not at home. She never thought to prepare me, or give me some supplies just in case. I rang her and she sent my stepdad to buy something and bring to me. They were huge, because he didn't know what to get! We didn't talk about it, and nothing much was ever said!

How do other people cope with having daughters if they had been made the black sheep? Do you worry about this??

I did the exact opposite to what she did, and give them what I would have wanted. My eldest had stuff in her bag for periods months before she started. I have great relationships with my girls, I have worked hard and made sure I didn't repeat what she did to me.

I was also never hugged, told I was loved and I always do that with my girls now.

@Finallybloodydoneit how you getting on? Xx

Well done how’s the time to be firm block her on everything get rid of her number, ignore her feeble excuses if she has any, she won’t of course these people never do. I ditched my family 12 years ago, best thing I’ve ever done.💐💐💐💐

Well done, don't back down

Fab post Gutterton and keep going OP, you're doing the right things.

Thanks for checking in @IJustWantFiveMinutesAlone - I’m doing really well. Actually feeling very strong and happy about the situation. She drove past my house today and I am happened to see it, it didn’t bother me at all.

DS has a birthday in 2 months and I sent out an invitation to the only sibling I’m sort of talking to (just small comments here and there on social media). Invitation is for 5/6 people to come round for cake - govt guidelines depending. Anyway I feel very strong about doing that because, if there is a backlash from him, it’s my chance to present him with the option of having a relationship without the link to my mother, or not having a relationship. And the sooner we square that away before my second baby arrives, the better. He was supposed to be the godfather but I certainly don’t think that’s appropriate any more.

Was supposed to zoom with the old therapist on Tuesday, but she lives abroad and we mixed up the times. So speaking to her tomorrow.

Thank you again so much for all the support. You don’t know how helpful it’s been!

So glad you felt strong after you saw her. Can I ask if it's normal for her and your family to pass your home so many times? Or is this part of the campaign of guilt from her? X

She lives very close by so in theory it could be normal....but I do suspect it’s actually just FOMO and wanting to snoop and see if they can see anything

@IJustWantFiveMinutesAlone

Sorry, I sound a bit nuts - to clarify, we only moved just before lockdown so have no idea what’s “normal” for her in terms of driving past this house! Hence speculating 🙈

Would be very keen to get opinions on lovely therapist’s idea today.

She was extremely supportive and excellent (as she was all those years ago - great to speak to her). And said a number of deeply helpful things, I am feeling so great now.

The only thing I am unsure of was that she suggested I write my mother a letter, to essentially say I need a time out from her and the family. To explain I want space upon reflection and That I don’t want my son around their drinking or negativity etc.

I’m just not convinced I see the purpose. Her argument was that 1) I would feel better when I bump into her in person and 2) because I essentially sent her a list of her mistakes and blocked her without a chance to respond (although she could have emailed, called or come round/written a letter), she, as a narcissist, will just think she’s the victim.

But I can’t see a letter changing any of that. She hasn’t reached out to me and I don’t want her to think contact from me means I miss her. I don’t. I’m also not sure I do see this as a “time out”. I am a “never say never” person but I really am no where near wanting to speak or see her again. I’m not sure I ever will be. And although I agree with her that of course me behaving differently could change the dynamic, I don’t see that I have any interest in actually pursuing a relationship with her.

Keen to get thoughts please as you’ve all been so helpful!

Write the letter then burn it, or file it away for future reference or whatever you want.

But don’t send it.

You open a way for her to communicate with you and give her the stick to beat you with.

She will counter argue every point, or dismiss your version of things or tell you you don’t remember it right or that you made it up.

She will not suddenly get it and apologise

I'm not sure OP. I'm not sure that with the long history of mental violence and neglect I'd want to ever be in contact again.

Wouldn't writing a letter to her signal to her that you are somehow in the wrong and are approaching for forgiveness? Even if your letter wasn't phrased that way?

Personally I think you did really well to have ANY contact or behave with any civility over the years and not to have blocked her and gone NC years ago. I really wouldn't want someone like this in my life nor, remembering the little girl she woke up, got dressed, packed then she taunted with her father's lack of care, would I want her anywhere near my children.

Why would you want anyone in your life who made you do desperately unhappy you tried to commit suicide?

I may well be wrong - that's just how I feel.

Agree 100% with Aussiebean - write it as a therapy journal. Write one every week - it’s v therapeutic.

Do not send it. Normal rules don’t apply.

Consider her a highly toxic, mentally ill, personality disordered drunk who's mind is just polluted and unhinged.

Why would you invite dialogue with such a character.

It will be counterproductive. She would weaponise it - post it on FB, run around your village flapping it in the faces of anyone she came across. Don’t hand her the ammo.

And 100% what Happy said.

I agree with writing it and burning it, certainly don't send it...

I think you have to be careful re. people's "suggestions".

Personally, I'm not sure a therapist should be making any "suggestions" as to what you should do, unless a special context.

You will have a centre of wisdom somewhere inside of you that will just "know" the right thing to do - either on the spur of the moment or over a period of time, whichever. No matter how good other people's advice might seem, other people are not you.

Take care.

Take some time to focus on yourself if you can.

Be wary of therapists who seek to repair relationships with people like your mother.