Need a hand hold - finally told my mother to FUCK OFF

[Finallybloodydoneit]

NC but people might recognise some content from previous posts.

I’m shaking as I type this. I’m crying but I feel calm, and I feel relieved. Here is what my childhood looked like:

My parents divorced when I was 6 and my mother spiralled out of control. She was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. She used to get drunk and scream she didn’t love me. She used to wake me up and pack my bags and say my father was coming to take me, but she had not called him, all so she could say “ha! He doesn’t want you either”. I can remember being about 9 years old and having to wee on the floor of my room as I was so scared of going out of my room to the loo, as she was out there. I tried to kill myself several times as I was so unhappy. Once she suspected I had OD’ and just laughed about it with one of my brothers. She sober used to say she just didn’t want to spend time with me as she didn’t like me.

Anyway, I have been just putting up with her bullshit as an adult for years. She treats me differently to my brothers, they are slightly older and had quite a different childhood to me as they joined in with the drinking or were teenagers on another floor of the house (were subjected to the noise of her sexual encounters either etc etc). They suffered too, yes, and one isn’t speaking to her really. But they have dealt with it by sticking firmly to her side/ganging up against me.

Anyway, since I met my husband and had a baby, I have just gained confidence and don’t need to seek her approval in the same way. This has caused a LOT of up and downs. One minute I’ve been fine with her, the next I’ve overreacted to something she has done. Lots of explosions on both sides.

Finally, she and my brothers decided to turn on me at lunch one day, and start complaining about DH. It just became, for some reason, the final straw for me. The whole situation escalated. She refused to apologise. Things got worse and worse and worse.

Today I have received abusive message after abusive message. Accusing me of being angry with the world. I’m
Not angry with the world. I’m happy. I love my life.

It just dawned on me.. I AM ANGRY WITH HER!!!!!! And I have every right to me!!! I wrote a little list of some things I suffered in my childhood and told her to

FUCK
OFF

I have blocked her on WhatsApp. I just need a bit of emotional support on here really - DH knows all this and v supportive but not friends, and MN has been fantastic with all of my other posts. Do I block her everywhere else too? Do I block my brothers, who are bound to go flying monkey?

I feel so relieved.

Sorry for the long post

She's not known for her brains, *@ShleeAnKree.

Amazing posts @Gutterton

Best of luck OP. Some great advice and insight on here.

Hi @Finallybloodydoneit - just read through it all and want to congratulate you. Have been there and am having the CPTSD treatment for it.
Highlights of my childhood include having my hair hacked at the day before my first class photos and being dragged before the teacher while she dramatically lied about me doing it myself, because that’s what little girls did. (Because she was jealous of my blonde hair.) Years later she haves my eyebrows off and did the same thing - humiliating me again. (They didn’t grow back properly of course.) She had me trained to never tell anyone it was her. I also had several unnecessary gynaecological surgeries when I was little, at the hospital she worked at. She loved that attention - until they asked deeper questions. Suddenly I was “cured.” My brother was the messiah and I was the antichrist. Nothing changed right up until she died. It was reflected in her will. Evil bitch. I grieve for the mother I never had. Gutterton has some brilliant advice. I would definitely have told the builder that your mother had been drinking again, and you have made the decision to distance you family “for a while” and left it at that. He’s probably got a handle on the difference between the dynamic at your place to hers anyway. Also, to ask him to respect your family’s privacy in regards to your extended family as you’re pregnant and need to look after your kid.

I cut my mother and siblings off a year ago, after 34 years of being the scapegoat.

My mother is a complete narcissist who always has to have somebody to bully, she turns the rest of the family against them and if anybody dares to sympathise or communicate with the scapegoat, my narcissist mother gets her flying monkeys to gang up on them too. I

If it's not me its my nan (her mother), my aunty (her sister) or my half-sister (my father's daughter from his first marriage).

What I have come to realise over the last year is that close family friends and extended family know what she is like, they have always known she treats me differently and that I am the black sheep/family scapegoat. That made me feel a little better, but also made me angry that nobody every defended me, or put a stop to it when I was a child.

I have four siblings in 2 age groups; there were three of us - I was the middle child, and when I was 14 she had two more. my mother's golden child is my older sister, the two of them are terrible together. My half-sister was banned from coming to our house at the age of 9 and then cut-off; my father has only ever contacted her by phone and she is now 40. My brother is 3 years younger than me and always learnt to follow what the eldest did; by instruction of my mother the two of them always bullied me - mentally and physically - as a child. The two youngest of my siblings didn't grow up with me, I had moved out at 16 by the time they were old enough to notice anything, so they've just been brainwashed to believe I am a trouble-maker.

My father used to believe every word my mother said when she blamed me for everything as a child, he would often beat me and lock me in my bedroom, sometimes for an entire weekend. He and my mother have now separated and he has realised that everything my half-sister and I said about her was true.

Sadly I'm now 35 and it's all a little too late.

You will get through this and become a stronger person for it.

Hi *@84teacher just a quick thought , what it worse, never giving your father one chance and left wondering or trying and maybe being rejected? He seems to have realised he knows you told the truth. Only you will know if he is saying that from a cynical point of view as he doesn't want to be alone. Take care.

@SunshineCake my father and half-sister are the only direct family members I haven't cut off, so I have given him a chance. I won't forgive him for the years of abuse but I do pity him for falling for all her lies.
My mother talked him into putting his house and land in her name after he went bankrupt. When they separated last year she sold it all well below value; the guy she sold it to has just sold it on for £2.8 million - she sold it him for £200k, and then kept all the money to herself, just out of spite.

@ShleeAnKree

I can see how hurtful that is! What a middle finger up to you - not only
Your brother on top table and you ousted, but OF COURSE she did that on purpose with her friends. What the fuck. You aren’t a “fraud” by the way - your grievances are important to you and shouldn’t be compared with anyone else. You have been hurt by your mother, and that is not alright.

@84teacher

Thank you for sharing your story; sounds horrific and deeply traumatic. I understand only too well the feeling of “black sheep”. Well done for cutting her off. Shocking what she did re the house sale too.

To update everyone; I’m still going strong. I can’t quite believe how long it’s been since we have communicated, or how positive I am still feeling about it all. I think it really shows that it was the right decision.

That is great to hear *@Finallybloodydoneit.

A little bit of advice required please if anyone still reading:

1. we still have two sets of keys from my mother’s place we rented before we moved. Only just got one back from the cleaner and another was a spare (we’ve given her 3 sets already). The plan was just to get DH to post them through her letterbox BUT
2. I have just remmebered she has my wedding dress! She kept it for storage during our honeymoon and I’ve never had it back. It was made for me from scratch and is stunningly beautiful/very expensive and I really really want it back. Ideally ASAP as I don’t trust her at all and I want to make sure I have it. Now that I’ve remembered it’s making me quite nervous - god knows what she might do. I’m not prepared to write it off!

How to handle? Can DH just go round with keys and ask to do a swap from a distance?

Try to get the dress first, dont mention the keys. She might have forgotten you have them.

Yes get Dh to go for the dress it can be collected from her doorstep. Or wait a couple of weeks and hope that the lockdown rules are eased a bit.

Don’t make a big deal of it , the more she knows you want it, the more she will hold onto it. Say you want it to give her more space or lend it to a friend or something like that .

Defo NOT what you said in your post here .

Yes you can collect it, just do it whilst your out on essential travel. You can ring her when you get to hers and she can leave it outside the door, you get it when she's back inside.

As for why, don't make it a big deal. You could tell her you're getting it framed and it's all sorted with the supplier, so you need it back before, say Wednesday. Then the time critical nature of getting it back is with someone else and not you. It's harder for her to then stall you.

It you could say a friend is borrowing it and needs it on X day for alterations

Be careful here. “Just remembering” the wedding dress is quite important I think. It might be your subconscious digging around for a reason to connect. The dress is v symbolic in many ways and your thoughts that she might destroy this beautiful item or you with it and hold it hostage in some way might be a metaphor for your relationship.

This might be a test of your resolve. This would likely be a deeply emotional and painful interaction with lots of conflict and you, as always, could get v hurt.

It is at the end of the day material possession. Can you set it aside and let it go - for now? It might feel like a sacrifice - but it is to preserve your MH to best benefit your DC and your pregnancy/birth without being distracted by her hurt and games.

Keep putting in the distance and emotional detachment. I think this is a trick of your psyche pulling you back into the toxic dance.

Sorry - just seen this. Had the most epic result ever. DH nipped round casually to say “just dropping the keys and picking up G’s dress”. My completely oblivious youngest brother (who sent the nice emoji) was outside spray painting something and was like “yes sure I know where that is” and pootled off to get it! Meanwhile, my mother then came down under the pretence of recycling and asked what was going on. DH said DB going to get wedding dress. Mother stormed off.

This is the biggest win of all time. No unpleasantness, no using dress as leverage! And now I have it back so that’s that!

@gutterton

I think she 100% would have held it hostage and will
Be furious brother unknowingly returned it. I see what you mean re subconscious but I have a number of ball gowns hanging up in the corner of the room, they caught my eye today and I suddenly thought “oh shit! The most important dress of all”. As you know, she is an alcoholic. Who is to say she wouldn’t remmeber the dress, drunk one day, and do some permanent damage!

You know that your DM is not going to say: “Yes sure. Will leave it on the doorstep”

She is unhinged and will look to exploit and manipulate this little chink of connection to her own ends which no doubt with involve emotional blackmail, threats, histrionics etc.

Don’t go there.

That’s the answer to every dilemma that crops up - “don’t cross that bridge when you get to it”

It’s v v early days in your distancing - you will have wobbles - especially in the early days, on significant milestone throughout the year - and it is really important to hang on in there consolidating all of the effort you have put in to date. Getting involved now would set you right back.

I am delighted that you got it back! Enjoy that victory. V lucky that DB was there as I am sure she wouldn’t have played ball.

Be careful now - remember how she behaves when she feels she has been thwarted........expect some sort of punishment, revenge, incident....and prepare for it by battening down your hatches! Good luck

Win

thank you @Gutterton and @copycopypaste !!

I know it’s a bit silly but it almost feels like the universe has rewarded me for holding firm with this wonderful turn of events! Yay for oblivious brother!

Brilliant. Well done. Every child deserves to feel that they have self worth and it’s a key thing a mother should promote. She took that from you. She deserves nothing from you and anyone else who says differently, including family, is just wrong and needs to be told to bog off.

She was having a go at your husband because if she could divide and conquer she could undermine that self worth again. It’s brilliant you didn’t give in and your partner is obviously an absolute rock.

I agree that the universe has rewarded you - relish that feeling.

In light of your update I am rethinking the wedding dress metaphor - it being “made from scratch and stunningly beautiful” - makes me think that it is YOU - you had to make yourself from scratch - despite her, and are stunningly beautiful - and you have reclaimed yourself! No idea if you are “v expensive” though ... that’s where my pop psychology runs out of road....

@Gutterton

Thank you - what a lovely thought! Lol at expensive; yes, I don’t think so...

Good for you. My mother isn’t as abusive as yours but I recall a number of incidents from my childhood and she’s made several comments as an adult which have made me realise that she is where my low self esteem comes from. I am in awe of you x

Well done op. No need to let her enter your thoughts from now.
My dm sent me an Easter card with guilt tripping words. I allowed myself a day of wistful thoughts then pushed her back in her box!!
Onward and upward...

Well, I don't know about you being expensive, but you certainly are very valuable. As are we all!

I'm so happy you got your dress back!!!

Thank you for the support again everyone xx