Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

And your children adore him because they're young and he's fun dad. You enable him to be fun dad because you're the adult. They won't find him quite so fun when they're older, trust me.

And a good dad does not ignore his children for 2 weeks to punish his wife.

The more you write about him, the more unpleasant he sounds

And it was fair of him to practically force her to move there

How did he force her? He didn't. He may be a crap partner, and he may kind of 'not need her anymore' now that he has his family to manage his Peter Pan life and whatnot, but he did not force her to move.

I also had a sneaky look at your previous posts and there seemed a pattern of quite a lot of repressed rage and indignation due to you being in-assertive.

This then leads to events snowballing because you don’t intervene to direct or influence the outcome. You seem unable to contribute to or voice calmly your needs, wants, wishes, opinions on a situation. So one knows that you want - but you are simmering away building up a head of steam.

So events carry on, your passivity is internalised and flips to exaggerated, disordered thinking, where you can’t see the wood for the trees, to catastrophising and aggression and inappropriate acts.

When you say compartmentalising do you really mean repressed feelings and emotions?

You say you like “control” but you only display that in practical project management type activities. How emotionally regulated and balanced are you? People who rely heavily on spreadsheets and schedules for meal plans, household management etc are often perfectionists who need to control the outside world because internally they are anxious, highly strung and not in control of their emotions and because they feel they are unable to assert their needs in life.

None of this is a criticism, just a wild guess and probably a projection as I have been like this and recognise some of the panic. But it might be an opportunity for personal growth which will steady you and make your life happier and simpler wherever you are.

I don't know how you define 'force' @deepwatersolo but exerting a lot of pressure on someone to do something which they've made very clear they don't want to do is using force. Not physical but then there are lots of other ways men abuse women which don't involve physical contact.

Deliberately ignoring your distressed wife for 2 weeks doesn't come from nowhere - there will be a pattern of behaviour which the OP is probably unaware of because she's been living it for so long.

Clymene, even threatening to end the marriage over it or actually ending it is not force (unless you threaten to leave with the children, which, clearly, he could not have done against her will).

Words have meanings, and droning on about 'but you promised,....' is not force.

The barriers feel very real. I have tried to look at things every which way, but all options seem to leave me with a much worse quality of life than I had and that is dragging me down.

How are you measuring this quality of life? Is it financial, materialistic lifestyle - or emotional? Invest in the emotional life of your family - yourself first with the goal of doing the best emotionally for your kids. That’s the long game. Doesn’t matter how many swimming pools you have if your DD ends up with depression / anorexia etc - you are looking at years of bleakness.

I would do counselling on your own first - you need a clear head before you take a look at your marriage via couples counselling.

@Gutterton
Very insightful.
I would agree wholeheartedly with as recognise myself here to.

But I have learnt to be assertive (taken many years)

I think as women we have been conditioned to be compliant.
And when we aren't and try and stand our ground - accused of hysteria. So feel it's easier to suppress our feelings.

Of course this doesn't work as it becomes resentment, which eats us from the inside.

Then women's lib comes along and swings too far the other way - LTB etc.

There is a middle ground.
Assertiveness - having the confidence to ask for what you want in a calm and pleasant way , and actually feel like you deserve it.

She has moved to a world where her life is ferrying her children about to after school activities and a £50k drop in income. How is she supposed to be positive?

JUST GET OUT
Is NOT an option as far as I can see. New Zealand is signed up to The Hague Convention which will therefore force the OP to return the children to New Zealand if she just ran away back to the U.K. There is plenty of case law which shows this. I think the only possible way around this is if there is abuse but even this has to be well documented. Now I am only googling this and finding this out so I would get some legal advice but it seems very unlikely just ‘going home with the children’ is an option.
I therefore don’t see much choice but either to leave husband and stay in NZ or to try and work this all out.

You mind want to read up on coercive control @deepwatersolo

Clymene, are you saying that OP was subject to, let me quote, 'acts or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that was used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim' to make her move to New Zealand.

From which of OP's posts do you conclude that?

Robin233 this in-assertion, which as you describe flips the passive behaviours to aggression due to the resentment building creates that “histrionic” label - because the reaction often is heightened, loaded with previous unexpressed complains and comes out at the wrong time in the wrong way. So seen as an aggressive over reaction.

But if you are comfortable speaking up and intervening earlier - not just with words but declaring and putting in actions if not listened to then your mind/mood isn’t one bubbling volcano about to erupt.

Often this comes from being brought up in a volatile, manipulative or controlling childhood home - where speaking out was difficult.

I am learning that if I am feeling “off” or “confused” about a request / person / situation etc it’s because it is crossing my boundaries and doesn’t meet my needs.

Often I can’t articulate it - certainly not in the moment because I was trained to “put up and shut up” - but I now look out for that odd feeling - press pause and work through what I want / need and then find a calm way to assert it. I have learnt that often the other person isn’t too bothered one way or the other. This is an authentic way to live. It’s v freeing. I also now take total 100% responsibility for my boundaries - because on here I read that “Givers need to state the boundary because takers never do” - no point whinging that someone ate the whole packet of chocolate biscuits if you only held in your head and didn’t express that there were enough for 3 each....a trite example but kind of helps me see that others aren’t looking to mind read what I want or read into any unenthusiastic consent. It’s my responsibility to be clear.

How did he force her? He didn't

OK, he pressured her then - is that better?

OK, he pressured her then - is that better?

Just like OP pressdured him to stay. What are the options when one partner wants A and one partner wants B in such a scenario? They fight over it until one gives in or they split or they go for a long distance relationship. Not sure how you are going to resolve this without 'pressure' from both sides.

OP you are too easily led and have been worn down by the effects of it.

Co-dependency is messing with your decisions.

It can be overcome but you have to be willing to take responsibility for your decisions, you have to be willing to let things be worse for a while, you have to recognise others are who they are, instead of trying to mould everyone else into the ideal shape and then being frustrated at failure.

You have huge power here in reality. Instead you are handing it the power to him day after day, taking on all the shit bits and leaving him all the nice bits. Why? To avoid short term awkwardness it seems.

This will sound harsh but I'm going to write it anyway. He's right when he says you already told him this. It is you who has to fix your life. He will not. Why would he if you can't even be arsed to the rock the boat yourself? You are all talk no trousers. Do something other than moan that everyone else has it great because you walk up and sacrifice yourself at their feet daily. Shut up, get your trousers on and take action. If nobody is squealing and kicking off when you take action then the action is an illusion. Everyone else's life will get worse when you stop being their doormat. Get over it. Force the equalisation. They will think you a right cow for forcing it to happen. So what?

OP, what visa do you have ? Would I be right in assuming it's a family category visa ? Which would also give you and your children NZ resident status ?

If it's like mine, it would be a an official sticker in your, UK I assume, passport so NZ Immigration could see it on arrival. Your husband would have arrived holding his NZ passport, of course ?

Do the children have their own passports ? Do they have or do they need their own family category visas ? What about their legal status as New Zealand residents ? Are either or both of your children on your passport or your husband's passport ? If so, are they on your British passport ? Or his New Zealand passport or British passport if he has one ?

If you're there on a family category visa, does anything happen to that should your marriage end ? (It would have made no difference to my family category visa should my marriage have ended for what ever reason.)

Would you consider staying in NZ to qualify for your NZ citizenship ? This takes five consecutive years in which a specific number of days per year need to be lived in NZ.

If you have NZ resident status, I think that's indefinite. Let's hope they don't change the rules one day.

Okay, as someone who was stuck in the Netherlands from Australia with her family for nine years, I know you can’t just leave, especially during this shitty Covid situation. What you can do is grow a spine and shore up your legal situation and get your head together mentally and get your health sorted. Get all the documentation you need to see a solicitor and sort your legal situation. You need to do this without letting DH know. If you can get time away from DH you can probably arrange legal situation during lockdown online, but you will need specialist advice. You will need need all financial paperwork you can find, birth certs, both lots of passports, etc. You need to let solicitor know that DH gaslighted you, especially the bit where he was coming with or without the you & the kids, and the disappearing for two weeks no contact. (He is hostile and unreasonable.) I also can’t reiterate how beneficial getting HRT will be for your mental & physical well-being. However, I don’t think antidepressants are necessarily a great plan right now as DH can and will use your MH against you. (Even if it is just to fuck with your own head. Seems like it’s one of his favourite pastimes)

How did he force her? He didn't

In her original post the OP stated there was always an understanding that they would move to NZ at some point. She then changed the rules. When people from two countries get together one is always going to be living away from their home country, and what is going to happen needs to be sorted out right at the beginning. It seems it was in this case, the OP changed her mind, they came anyway - how is this force? They have lived in the OP's country for several years, they are in her husband's country for a very short time and she hasn't really even tried to adapt. As for the ignoring her for two weeks - not ideal, but maybe he was just tired of it all?

I do agree that you need to talk to a professional and get some help OP and try to deal with your depression. Once that is sorted you do need to give the whole thing a go - maybe try and find a different job from the one you had if it isn't possible to do it in Auckland? It might be a good chance to re-train for something you have always been interested in?

Had you been to NZ in the past before you agreed to move there?

But how exactly could he keep the kids if yoh moved home? If he travels so much he wouldn’t be able to look after them, and on his income that you are struggling on he couldn’t afford childcare? He is abusive, not picking up the phone to you for two weeks is fucking awful.

How often did he visit home in the 20 years he was away? Did he really pine for it? Is the business offer playing to his ego? Maybe he will get bored - did he enjoy London life - had he many friends? Hobbies? Social life?

If the business is not as lucrative as he thought and he gets bored he might look at a return to the UK himself?

Your dh sounds like a total wanker.

Can you retrain? Use this time whilst your dcs are younger but at school to enrol on a course of something that you could work from home? Or that didn't at least require you to travel go CBD?

That way you could start earning again and get independent from your frankly vile husband albeit in NZ.

If you’re on the north shore couldn’t you catch the ferry to central Auckland rather than drive?

I really feel for you OP. I’m a kiwi but was so relieved when my dad got a job abroad and we left when I was 16. Having now lived in London for many years I’d be bored shitless going back. Lovely for those who love a quiet country lifestyle but unbearable for those of us who don’t.

I've posted already but I'm compelled to post again: don't get caught up in the "go back to London" posts!... there is no going back! Your children's school places are unlikely to still be there. Where will you be living? Your dream p/t job in advertising won't still be there. Being a single mum in London without family support will be difficult (you say your parents are frail). It will unsettle your children So Much. Please think of their mental health and stability.

The pandemic at the moment puts all plans on hold anyway so you might as well take control of your own mental health in NZ now.

Wow, so many responses, thank you.

Initially I tried to answer individually, but ended up with an essay after only a couple of replies, so apologies for this and I will try and answer questions in bullets and send a couple of PMs.

Excuse any errors or formatting, been doing this on a doc between home bloody schooling.

He didn't force me par se, but as AlternativePerspective said it was always seen as mandatory and as it kept getting put off I never really thought it would happen. Gutterton, I'm hoping he will get bored but he seems to be fitting in but with his brother's friends - he had a fantastic social life and loved London. It's his family again. Constant pressure to come back. We used to come back every two years, his parents would go to the UK most years, as well as invite themselves on our holidays. Really.
Cocoabean his mother would do childcare. And, he isn't on a bad salary, it's the combination of me not working and the extortionate cost of living that has changed.
Deepwatersolo that's exactly how it feels - a bereavement, but for my entire life.
fizzandchips thankyou.
kittykattykate we sold our 'real house' - this is an investment property, but could still be useful as it's round the corner from our old house.
molatov no ferries near us in Castor Bay
Wateriswide I have permanent residency and the kids have citizenship. ullupullu I know it would be hard but we do have enough equity to each buy something smaller outright. Schools - wherever they get in can't be worse than education here (this is not just me but all expats I have spoken to from various countries and my mum who was a maths teacher)
sleepyhorse I have been lots, but 3 weeks at Christmas, not much of it spent in the city doesn't prepare you.

Now I feel calmer (no peri-menopause symptoms for 3 days so have slept ok), I have tried to work out the facts vs hysteria which is how I felt the night I wrote my initial post.

It basically breaks down into why I am angry, why I am feeling so bereft, and is there anything I can do about this.

I can't take the children behind his back - he hasn't done anything to justify this, either legally or morally.
He is not bad, I'm bad and could have been a better daughter, mum and wife. He is definitely not controlling, or wasn't at home, that would have been me (in a decision making, organising, bossy, 'put your dirty socks in the laundry not the kitchen bench' way). Maybe here he is.

What he has done.
He didn't prepare for the move or prepare me for life here:
I had no idea we would be so much worse off, have to forfeit holidays etc.
No idea our geographical location would make it difficult for work (there's a popular saying 'live on the shore, work on the shore' because of the bloody bridge/commute
Suspect he lied to me or was lied to - he told me and all our friends, that he had to go back or they would have to sell the business when his parents retire, but as his brother has worked there for 20 years and neither brother is required to put money in, I don't see why they could not have just recruited a replacement.
He held me to a commitment I made years earlier without having the information needed to make that commitment.
Despite me telling him I didn't want to come, he seems flabbergasted and angry that I am miserable and angry.
He constantly favours his family. He was always different here on holiday than in London but I didn't think much of it and just put up and shut up because it was only every two years.
That two weeks. Everything seems different now.

I guess the problem I have is, that after almost 50 years of forging relationships, I am now in a position where there is no one other than my children and, arguably at the moment, husband, who care about me, love me, would go the extra mile for me, living in the same continent. And vice versa. I am unable to (practically) help a close friend who is going through a tough time, or my parents, hold my dad's hand, even speak to him. One of his symptoms is that he can barely speak - I can understand him with difficulty sitting next to him, on the phone it's impossible. Coronavirus aside, obviously can't see anyone right now. At my age, given what I am going through mentally and physically and being an introvert, the idea of starting again is unsurmountable. I can try and get by with the friends I have made - they are lovely, safe and kind. I suspect I will only ever be a playdate/G&T on a Friday night friend, as they all have other friends and commitments, but maybe that's enough.
I will always be heartbroken about my family. But my parents can help pay for flights so maybe I do go back twice a year.

And with work. I don't want to retrain, there is nothing else I want to do and I don't have the energy. It might sound completely unambitious and defeatist, but there it is. I was never that ambitious at the job I did, I could just do it quite well easily, it paid decently, I loved the environment and people, I got a buzz on a good day, and p/t was a gift. After some responses, I feel a little guilty about this, but I enjoyed the housewifey-ness just as much, if not more. Gutterton - working in the creative industry, I was more of an 'organic' PM rather than a fan of PM tools. Bit of a wheeler dealer based on my relationships with colleagues and suppliers. When the year is up, I will look for work in my field or maybe less skilled locally, but otherwise not sure what to do.

I just don't like it here, beach or no beach. It's made me realise that I'm a city girl who likes nice holidays. I'm on an ex-pat forum and there are dozens of people who feel the same, weirdly more than other countries like Australia and US. People finding that the better work life balance is a myth, kids are on screens as much if not more (sorry, no Swallows and Amazons), high cost of living, it's a bit dull and bloody far away from virtually everything. Statistically, 50% of people who emigrate here 'permanently' end up leaving. It's not just me being crazy and disillusioned.

But I have to try and make it work. Assume it will get better with time. The alternatives are just too scary to imagine.
I need to sort out my mental / gyne health to give myself the best chance.
I need to try and remember how I felt about him just a year ago. Everything looks different right now, like a dark filter on my world, especially him, but maybe that will improve?
I need to nurture the kids (they are good - angry DS has always been like this, the extreme of emotions, my most loveable and angry child, while DD is straight down the line and just lovely).