Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

OP this is a real tangle and I feel for you. Just two bits of advice I would add to what all the wise ones have said:

• get your mental health addressed (GP, counselling, exercise)
• let go of your old career and work on getting a new one

OP, no advice, sorry, but lots of sympathy.

And some words of caution: you've given a huge amount of precise personal info here and may well have outed yourself.

I was surprised at some of the questions WaterIsWide is asking and even more surprised that you've answered them.

Considering your situation and that you might not want your H and his family to know everything you're thinking, you might want to get MNHQ to delete some posts or possibly the thread.

I was surprised at some of the questions WaterIsWide is asking and even more surprised that you've answered them.

It's an open forum. The OP could have ignored some or all of my questions.

I can understand how the OP feels. To a lesser extent I've been there.

Your brother in law was incredibly stupid, but your husband couldn't have done anything other than what he did (and at your insistence). You've every right to be angry, but you must also see that threatening to call Immigration and putting a Facebook post up about it would drive a wedge between you and his family. I don't know what the penalties are in New Zealand for immigration issues right but I wouldn't be surprised if imprisonment was a penalty at these fraught times. So what your husband and New Zealand family probably heard was 'I want to send your brother to prison' when what you were trying to say was 'I'm really angry and let down right now, you're not supporting me and I don't know what I have to do to get you to listen to me.'

Neither of you seem on side with the other at the moment - you are working against each other and blaming each other.

Medication may well help and CBT to challenge thought patterns may help as well, because the way you express things you appear to see no opportunities, no solutions. Everything has a barrier in your head - but that is just in your head - there will be small victories to be had, but you have to percieve them and be able to work towards them.

Your OH sounds frustrated and he is, of course unable to make things better - no-one can do that for anyone else, it has to come from within. He is taking the easy option of enjoying his New Zealand family, as they can keep things upbeat and light for him, which will be more attractive than negativity with no solutions in sight. He is failing to support you, but it may be that he has tried and just doesn't know what to do anymore.

@suggestionsplease1
Makes some really excellent points.

Thanks Finnsleftspoon, I have asked for that post to be removed but WaterIsWide, I understand why you asked, and actually answering them felt cathartic - made sense of the relationships.

Two brothers - one already here working for the business, the other visiting from LA during lockdown. And we can probably get the house back in London early next year.

The FB thing wasn't as bad as it seems. When I wrote it, the only info I had was that BIL turned up at the house and surprised them all. When I found out, I was having coffee with the friend who has helped me most and she is the wife of a consultant at the local hospital. She pointed out the risk. So I told him he would need to isolate and that's when I wrote the post.
It was only later that evening when BIL is on Facetime with my kids and he boasted to them that he lied to immigration that I realised the full extent of the issue.

Suggestionsplease1 - the other brother didn't hug LA brother or spend the evening drinking with him. He left immediately after keeping a distance. DH could have done this.

And your post makes so much sense. Of course they are the better option, when I am a miserable, crying wreck. I tried so hard at the start to ignore how I felt. When we first arrived we lived at the in-laws for 6 weeks, and then spent a total of 20 nights with his family over Christmas and I was quiet-ish but joined in the best I could, enjoyed myself, I was polite in tricky situations. So for four months I coped. And then in February I broke. And that's literally how it feels - something snapped then.

The barriers feel very real. I have tried to look at things every which way, but all options seem to leave me with a much worse quality of life than I had and that is dragging me down.

Kit
^If he was prepared to go to NZ whether it not you and the kids went and when you mentioned taking them to the UK his only query was about whether he could see them in the holidays then OP I think you have your answer

He really isn’t that fussed about you and the DC being there at all. Also has anyone asked the DC what they would like in all this?

I would have a serious ‘look we’re both really miserable’ conversation with him & see if he is open to you & DC returning to UK. Also get some proper legal advice as to where you stand

It’s a bloody awful situation OP, hard enough with a supportive & loving DH but without one it’s just hideous^

I'm really not sure he meant it or means it now. The kids are his world. He's a good person, but not very good at 'adulting', and he would admit this - a self styled Peter Pan
So at home I was the 'looker-afterer'. I sorted all the finances etc and I guess this happened organically because he moved into the flat I owned and was already doing bills/pensions/admin. And I looked after all the kids needs while he became the entertainer. I love taking them out, organising stuff, but am not very good at the one on one play at home which is where he excels. He's always playing tag, playfighting, lego…. In short, he's fun. He adores them and they adore him.

But yes, his lack of empathy is making this impossible. Whenever I tell him how I am feeling he just says 'you already told me'.

Gutterton.
Thank you for your constructive advice.
I definitely need a plan. To sort out the tangled mess in my head as I keep jumping from one thing to another.
I have lost all perspective.

I can't fathom why you love this man. He doesn't love you and he doesn't respect you. You were a bloody fool to follow him to the other side if the world. You did have a choice.

You need to stop being a wet lettuce and acting like a doormat (which is what has gotten you into this mess) and sort your life out. Ideally you should leave him, he's a prick who has no respect for you and will always put his family before you. But we all know you won't so at least go and see a doctor to try and help with your mental health.

You keep mentioning marriage counselling. Ha! You're kidding yourself there...

I’m going to be blunt, not to be mean but if there is a window to return to the U.K., it’s a bloody small one and you could miss it by wasting your time wringing your hands.

Get your head out of your arse!
You need to be proactive, speak to a lawyer to find out about your options. Would your children follow you back to the UK if you were allowed to leave? Leaving NZ would effectively end your marriage, are you prepared for that?

You can’t keep making excuses for disengaging from decisions that concern you. Why didn’t you do more research about employment opportunities in NZ?

You are not powerless but have gotten into a bad habit of acting like it.

Good luck!

RiskyRetail, it wasn't always like this. If anything I was the dominant one in London - the decision maker/organiser/planner/facilitator. probably to much sometimes. I guess that's why being the 'passenger' is even harder.

Love him? I honestly don't know any more. I did obviously, but now I am just numb and I'm scared of him because he has my future in his hands. However much I want to, I don't think I can take the kids away from him - they adore him and they will resent me. Which leaves two options leave him and share the kids which will break me, or try and make it work. Hence trying counselling - I think we need to try. A friend at home said after a break up that she wanted to be able to look her kids in the eye when they were older and tell them she did everything she could to make it work.

Why am I not remotely surprised he’s a Disney fucking dad leaving you to do the shit bits and be bad mummy??

Agent Johnson is right! If you want to come back to the UK with the DC you have a small & shrinking window of opportunity

BIg girl pants time

I choose to do the shit bits. I actually like house-wife shit and am a bit of a control freak - I'm the sort of person who loves the nitty gritty of planning - packing for holidays, meal prep, organising bills.... I know!

This is why the p/t gig was perfect - doing a job I enjoyed with lovely people for three days then four days at home. I ran a tight ship.

You’re probably feeling so crap about all of this because your DH is an unsupportive prick! He’s got what he wanted and left you high and dry! Not talking to you for 2 weeks! What effort has he put in to helping you feel loved and supported through this move? Tell him you’re worried about your parents and need a holiday now. Book a flight now and come back. Kids aren’t in school, Go stay with your parents/family and see how you feel after a couple of months back home. It might give you a better idea of how you feel. Are you skypeing your family and friends regularly?

OP, I would also suggest you get yourself help regarding your mental health (and legal advice, so you know your options).
That said, grieving is a normal process when you leave your old life and start a new one. I was there, it was all my choice, and yet, it squashed me. It took me a year to get a ‚clear head‘ again. I felt like an empty shell. Understanding that I was grieving and reading up on the process (5 stages of grief...) helped me understand myself better and accept my own emotions.
While I think it is important for you to know all your options, I personally would advice against making rash decisions while grieving. Give yourself time to grieve (with all the lock downs life has slowed down everywhere, anywhere, you will not miss much). It took me a year of grieving, and when I came out the other side, my head was much clearer. For now, I think, you need to accept that you are grieving, and this process is nothing you can simply avoid by any action or pill (health councelling can help you get through it, but they also can‘t ‚switch it off‘). Just accept the pain and know that ‚this too shall pass‘. I‘d also tell my partner that I need time to grieve.

In a year you will feel much stronger to do with your life whatever you decide to do.

and you say so many things about your old life. I don’t understand why you walked away from it all so easily? There must have been more of a reason than your husband saying you had to. Are you sure you’re not just romanticising. Life is pretty bleak here right now. Most of us can’t see friends or family. We’re having to be in contact over the internet so youre not actually in any different position right now although you’ve got the bonus of a fantastic political system and beautiful beaches. Are you making the most of the benefits? Are you at the beach everyday? Why don’t you book a Christmas flight Homs too? If you had more flights booked maybe you’d feel better about things. You sound like you’ve actually made a good bunch of friends. You sound like you’ve got more friends than I have to be honest and I only moved 3 hours away from home. Lots of people in the UK move away from family these days for work. Everyone I know lives hours away from “home” and doesn’t live near “lifelong friends” I think your problem is your DH not New Zealand. Moving there has made you realise how much of an arse he is and that’s why you’re scared. If he was brilliant and his family were brilliant you’d be fine. What have they all done to help you settle in and feel welcome? Nothing by the sounds of it. In fact he’s done the opposite by buggering off to the beach house and not talking to you for 2 weeks! Where was your invite in all of that?? Maybe you would be better off being separated. You might actually be happier! I think you do need to find a job though. Anything. Volunteer! Volunteer in a hospice or anything that brings you into contact with kind and considerate people

Ok, I am going to go against the grain here.

If you were the one wanting to move and your DH was resistant posters would be saying that he had agreed previously and now it was time for him to keep to his end of the deal, esp as he you had been living the life he wanted for all those years.

Secondly, you need to be really careful not to project your own MH on to the children or to assume that they are going to suffer MH problems because they’re unhappy at the moment. It is really unlikely. Children adapt, moving is stressful and will be hard for them for a while, but now they’ve started school they are likely to form different friendships to the ones they had in the UK, and besides, children’s friendships are fluid anyway. By the time they reach secondary age they won’t have the same friends they did now anyway.

I’ve been there. We emigrated when I was nine and I was miserable. To add to that, I was sent to boarding school (I have a disability so specialist school not private,) as a weekly boarder where I didn’t speak the language and where I was told that they wouldn’t speak to me in English. For a year I went back to school every week and cried. Would sit in the playroom in a corner and cry. My dad went to find out about airfares back to the UK but my mum convinced him that they had to give it time.

And a year on I learned the other language. I in fact spoke it better than I spoke English, so much so that as part of some kind of celebration a few years on I was the one selected to read an extract from the constitution in said language.

I made friends with people I am still friends with to this day. My life was there, i had become one of them. Then ten years later my family moved back and because I’d just left school and had no job or money I came back with them.

And I was miserable... And so the cycle continued. .

I do understand the isolation of moving, esp if your marriage is in a bad place. But that is a separate issue. I moved with my DH and it ended up with us getting divorced.

Ironically my DS who initially hated it here as well because he’d moved away from all his friends now also prefers it here and wouldn’t move back.

you need to concentrate on your own MH, and if possible on adapting to living there. It’s been six months, you haven’t actually given it any time at all, and the grass really isn’t always greener, if you move back as a single parent your life will change anyway. It won’t be the life you thought you had back then.

And you need to stop enabling your DC’s being upset. Yes, listen to them by all means but you need to reassure them that time changes a lot of things, rather than agreeing that you’d like to go back.

You need to call control the controllables.
You can only control how you react to things, your health, your happiness.
You have lost control of everything in your life so it’s ok to feel utterly overwhelmed by it.
Don’t underestimate the hormones of peri-menopausal. Speak to go. Seek support for depression/anxiety too, even if you don’t think it will help, do try something.
You can’t get your old job back. You potentially do have a year when your husband isn’t expecting you to work; what would you love to do, in an ideal world, if you could do anything? Could you retrain? Could you change direction?
A summer at the batch BBQing and fishing might be dull, but it’s also safe - a swallows and Amazons childhood for your children. Can you reframe the negatives for the positives? Your DH problem is something you will still need to deal with, but in the meantime start taking deep breaths, appreciate how well the lockdown has protected your children in NZ rather than being back in London. I hear you. I hear that you’ve lost control and are worried about your parents. Too many burdens for one person to deal with at once so today make sure you breath and take baby steps to control what you can.

It is UNFORGIVABLE that he ignored you for two weeks. Who the fuck does he think he is?

Thank God you did not sell your house! Give your tenants notice now and plan your exit for July. I really think in your case home is truly where the heart is. I have moved countries myself and people totally underestimate how difficult and traumatic such a move is. You can NOT be expected to live the rest of your life like this.

I’m terribly sorry to say it, but I think your marriage is done. At least he doesn’t sound against you taking the kids home.

Get some HRT sorted as soon as you can. The peri menopause is ten times worse than the actual menopause and you will need to have your shit together for what is about to come.

I’m going to be blunt, not to be mean but if there is a window to return to the U.K., it’s a bloody small one and you could miss it by wasting your time wringing your hands.

THIS... and everything else @AgentJohnson and @RiskyRetail said. You have to take control now, before the window slams shut.

I speak as someone who emigrated and lived to regret it. I am now, finally, back home, but it took many years to wait for my kids to grow up, and for me to get strong enough to leave. It killed my marriage, and only one of my adult children returned with me. I know that I will only rarely see the others, or my grandchildren.

THIS will be your future if you don't act now. I am so very happy to be home, where I belong, but it is hard, as there may come a time, 20 years or so down the line, where I'll be too frail to travel and I may hardly ever see my DC. Do what you can to return home now. If it turns out that this is not possible you'll still have plenty of time to do what you need to do to make a life in NZ.

So....
Start by contacting a doctor and get yourself onto an antidepressant and/or HRT.
Try to establish whether your DH was serious about letting you return to the UK.
Seek legal advice from specialist immigration attorneys in both NZ and the UK about removing your children from NZ.
[Also check out the NZ/Oz immigration forum at britishexpats.com].

Do this now. 6 months is a crucial point in determining whether children are 'settled` in a new location. At 12 months it becomes tricky. Much longer and it is virtually impossible without the other parent's permission.

I cannot predict whether you will succeed. But you must try, and do it now. However, if it turns out that you cannot leave, you must do everything you can to built a satisfying life in NZ.

Don't let it drag on. Don't end up with the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home, she stood in tears amid the alien corn...

Sounds to me as if you need to start leaving your DC with your dh with a view to going back home.

Even if you went back for say 6 months, it would put it in perspective what your options are.

You still have a house, you have equity in it so there is no reason why you can't get it back.

Let the DC decide where they want to live.

If he is as good a dad you say he is, he won't want to be seen as a bad dad and will let them decide themselves.

Go back for a few months in July with or without your dc, and I think it will all be clearer for all of you.

When your dh realises he can't look after the DC as well as travel for his work he might start valuing you and your contributions.

You need to stop being a sidekick and start by finding your feet so that whatever happens, your DC will hold you in good light. That will be your ticket to freedom. Their opinion. You owe it to them to do what is best for them, and having a happy mummy is best for them isn't it?

What is it exactly do you want OP? Time machines don’t exist and your H doesn’t sound particularly interested in changing the status quo.

Staying angry and letting the resentment eat away at you is a choice, it’s just not a particularly productive one.

Will people STOP telling OP to fucking take her children away?! That is really really shitty advice, illegal and totally unfair. Poor father. Imagine if the tables were turned

And it was fair of him to practically force her to move there and doesn't seem to give a shit that she is miserable. And that one of their children is suffering from stress!!!

Get out. Get legal opinion. Your husband is a selfish dick who has moved you and your children across the world on a lie. That is not the action of a good father.