Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Shit, it's still an essay

It does seem like a job is what you need. It gives you something beyond the home, additional social contact, more money, more consideration of your needs required by family.

Obviously covid affects ability to get a job right now, nevertheless, I do think that needs to be your mission so that the moment you can work you do work. For the sake of your mental health.

But I have to try and make it work. Assume it will get better with time. The alternatives are just too scary to imagine and I need to nurture the kids yes yes yes well done OP. This is a good space to chat and see all sides and hope you can take steps to improve things where you are now and be a stable happy presence for your children.

I emigrated from Uk to Aus . It has at times been bloody hard , the first year I felt like I was just about treading water . It gets easier, really it does .
I don’t know about meds, I was struggling and was prescribed them . Made me much worse ,and I know I put my family through it , but try for yourself , they genuinely help some people .
I disagree with posters saying just pretend you are going Home for a holiday with the kids and don’t come back . Imagine the damage that would do to the DC. I also understand the strict laws regarding removing DC from the country without the consent of both parents , and most likely wouldn’t be possible .
Take time for yourself to find out if there’s anything that you can think of that would make you feel more settled . Did you love your job back home , or would you like to retrain , try something else . Also agree that peri menopause is a major headfuck , please take that into consideration when dealing with your feelings ( in no way at all am I being condescending, am living it myself so totally appreciate the ups and downs)
I hope that you can find a little bit of that light at the end of the tunnel . It’s a horrible situation to be in , esp right now .

I have read the whole thread and, while I feel very sorry for the undoubtedly miserable state that you are in, you do seem quite passive and something of a passenger in your own life.

There comes a point in life (probably in our forties) where we have to accept the consequences of our own decisions. Mostly, barring tragedy, we are going to be where our own decisions have led us.

One of my own ambitions is to write a book. I was astonished last year when I heard that a school friend was on the verge of publishing his first novel - a bona fide publishing deal - and was going around the country giving talks and workshops as an author. But I had to bring myself up short and think about how he had been spending his time: all those years when he had worked in a bookshop on low pay, done an MA in Creative writing, worked for a publisher, spent days and months writing...every decision he had made had led to that book. Whereas every decision I had made had led me in a different, albeit equally rewarding, direction. I have to accept that, or do something about it.

Your husband told you who he was very early on in the relationship. You chose to form a relationship with him, marry and have children. You chose to pack up your home and move to NZ. Thirteen years later, this is where your choices have led you. Your fundamental decision now is to whether to choose differently (separate, look at legal routes to returning) or accept your current position.

My advice to you would be:

Get back to work, even if you have to start again - ideally in a part-time role. Earning an income always gives you more choices. No use hankering after your old job, it doesn't exist there. Work 'on the shore' if you have to.

Consider a local move on the North Shore to be closer to bus routes or the ferry. That is the least your DH can do for you.

Confide in and make peace with your MIL. Try to get her rooting for you rather than against you. Apologise for the Facebook post - that must have seemed like pretty poor form to her. She could be your greatest ally.

The first year relocating is tough, very tough. I went through bouts of depression, not wanting to get off the bed. BUT it gets better, after 5 years we returned to the U.K. and I didn't want to leave. As hard as it is, you need to force yourself to get into the lifestyle, you may adjust, but keep communicating and suggest you try for 5 years, then reevaluate

Hi OP, try and put yourself in his shoes if it helps. Think he felt the same for as long as you lived back in the UK.
If that doesn’t, then imagine that he would want to return and you’d all be on a plane back to London! Surprise, surprise! It’s not what you though it would be anymore! You’d be indoors all the time, unable to see family or friends, queuing for food and kids unable to go to school. You’d all be stuck indoors and probably being miserable and on the brink of a mental breakdown like many other mums on here. And this is for the unforeseeable future.
Are you able to do what you want right now in NZ? If yes, then count your blessings, London is not what it used to be anymore.

I’m a migrant too, just over the ditch in Australia but I was 16 when we arrived. The culture shock is immense, my parents were a similar age to you and the loss of identity and difficulties re-establishing themselves at work were the same. So many assumptions are made before you arrive based on a completely different frame of reference, I’m not surprised you overestimated your ability to work and commute.
I think the biggest issue here that you might be able to address is your husband’s deference to his family. You don’t need to spend all the holidays with them. He should be independently thinking about what is best for his own family, not kowtowing to them. Would he be at all open if he was challenged on this?

@Witchesandwizards
How are you doing - any further thoughts?

Your DH sounds like an arse but you sound like you are wallowing in your self pity.

It will take at least 18 months to settle in. I’ve emigrated several times and know how unsettling the first few months are.

The only way through is to throw yourself into something - find a job, join a sports team or volunteer - engage with your community.

@Witchesandwizzards I am in a very similar situation to you albeit a bit younger. It's shit.
I treat it like I would a prison sentence. I will be free at 54. It doesn't get better at least it hasn't for me and I've been where I am for five years. Relationship is non existent due to other problems as well. Any of my suggestions of moving are met with resistance, protest or avoidance. But I agree with pp about stabilizing your mood - kids need you to do that. Good luck and all the best :)

Hello. I have been in a similar situation and felt I needed to reply. I was where you are now and know those feelings all too well. I'm shocked at all the people suggesting antidepressants to 'numb' your feelings as if that will suddenly make everything better. I moved with my ex H and he was very similar to your H, didn't care about my feelings at all and wanted me to stay put for the sake of his job, even after splitting. I couldn't get back into my career due to the area, deeply missed my family and friends and the location just didn't feel right. I even posted on MM at the time with people telling me to retrain and make the most of it and maybe I would change my mind. Even though we had split I invested all my energy into making new friends, applying for jobs I had no interest in, working in a job I didn't like and was paid much lower than I previously had and trying to like the place I lived in. I did it for 5 long years and at the end of it felt exactly the same as I did at the beginning!! So very stuck and trapped. Some things you really do just know from the start! I had also lived abroad previously but I just didn't like where my exH chose. I moved back with the DC eventually. It took a hell of a lot of mental stength and everyone around me said I should stay for the sake of DC. I spoke to many solicitors (suggest you do the same) and after getting many opinions I realised I could prove the move would benefit my DC more. However we had no family where we lived so I can see why it might be more problematic in your case. We nearly went to court but settled at mediation instead. My ex did everything he could to try to stop me including making up some ridiculous stories and saying I would not be able to cope etc. My ex was a bully but I never backed down and he finally agreed. I was also prepared for it to go to court. We have now moved back and I couldn't be happier and neither could the DC. I am back in my old career, in a place I love. The DC are happy and still see their father in the holidays. After moving back both of my parents died in the same year. It was devastating but I'm glad I was able to spend as much time as possible with them living much closer for that short time. My only regret to all of this is that I didn't move back much sooner. Life is short. Do what you know will make you (and DC) happier.

Get some legal advice....for info only, so you actually know where you stand. House, money, kids.
When you’re back in uk get the same.
Be aware that if you go on meds and end up in court for divorce it can be used against you.

If you do decide you’ve had enough make your plans quietly, eg....bring the kids back for your annual trip to see nana and Grampy, then start the divorce.

Be unhappy is going to make everyone unhappy.
I wish you all the best xx

Oh OP. My family emigrated to NZ from the Uk when I was in my teens and I have never settled properly. Your words We have a bloody 5 bed house with a pool and I would swap it for a squat back home right now. hit the nail on the head for me. I have lived back in the uk several times 20s and 30s but fell in love with a kiwi and have had dcs here. And my Dh will never move. I have hesitated to start threads on here about my homesickness because I don’t think people understand how the uk could be better than nz.
Until covid I had a job that took me back to the uk 3x a year. Dh and the kids loathed it but it was my sanity. All gone now.
I fantasise about leaving my family and heading back alone. That’s how bad it is. In 7 years my youngest will be 18, I plan to leave dh and move back then. Everything I do now is geared towards making that financially viable as I will be early 50s then.
My Dh is in advertising and everything you outline about the industry here is spot on. And sports. And Auckland traffic!
I wish I could soften the blow for you but the homesickness is very real. If you do stay it will get better as posters said at around the two year mark.
Feel free to pm me if you like. Am not in Auckland otherwise could have had a with you

the eldest has made serious suicide attempts starting at age 14. Her younger child will follow along shortly

FFS, how to put a person down eh?

MaybeDoctor Thank you for your considered post and sorry for not replying earlier - DS has become obsessed with an online maths course and will not come off my laptop!!

The faff to move doesn't really seem worth it - it may be incrementally better, but I can't see there being a step change.

I will look into work - the only option really seems to be a teaching assistant at school so I can still travel home. A few of my friends do this. Only $20 ph but convenient.

Re MIL, I haven't gone into detail so far as I didn't want to sound 'judgey' and self righteous, but it is something that may help my 'case' if we were to break up as DH would have t live with them for the two years until we could divorce.
The entire family have an alcohol problem and I will give some examples that show how bad it is. For perspective, I am quite square - my parents are conservative drinkers and I am a social drinker who will rarely drink at home and in reality only drinks a couple of time a month. MIL and FIL drank every day when we stayed with them for 6 weeks and not just a glass of wine with dinner. FIL has heart disease and such severe dementia that he can't remember DH or the dog's name, yet he is allowed to go to a friend's ever afternoon where he drinks a few beers in his garden bar. Then he will come home and have another beer followed by half a bottle of red. SIL is an alcoholic (as in whiskey at 9am) and everyone is apparently trying to sort her out, but everyone persists drinking around her. Most nights over Christmas (and I spent about 20 with them), BIL and DH would drink from early afternoon until the early hours. I would be up first and have to clear up the bottles, but one day I woke to find my kids and the cousins (ages 11, 11, 10, 7) had taken all the bottle out of the recycling, and were lining them up in order of value which they measured by worst smell = most expensive. Then they tried to work out serve sizes from beet to spirits.
I don't think that DH is an alcoholic, but he has an alcohol problem in that once he starts he can't stop, but, other than holidays and special occasions, he only ever drank on Fridays at home. Friday nights/Saturday mornings were are worst days for fights. The rest of the week we were 'gentle' - every night a pot of herbal tea in from of the TV. Our friends at home were more like me - work hard, social drinkers, occasional big nights out (and the BEST kitchen parties). But now he is hanging out with his brother's friends I am worried because they are all hard drinking. On Friday night they played darts on FaceTime. DH started drinking at 7pm (missing dinner with me and the kids) and went to bed at 4am. He was playing in the garage under the bedroom and I could hear every word him and his friends were saying and when I finally went down at about 2am he deliberately embarrassed me and laughed at me on FaceTime in my PJs and bed head. He wasn't like this at home. We weren't like this at home.

Honestly, I grew up in 3 countries due to my dad's job. Way before Expat was a word. I'm 65.

Kids survive and thrive.

So sorry you are having a hard time, OP.

We are a half and half family too, I can relate to your desperately sad posts. I’ve been on both sides, trying to make Ireland my home, and then after10 years trying to make nz my home again.
As a family it’s our biggest gift. And our biggest challenge. I’ve read through the thread, and you’ve received a lot of support and advice. I’ll just add a little of our own experience of what worked for us. It was only when we took complete ownership for our own happiness and not relying on each other that we really started to be happy. Once we had achieved that, we became happier as a couple and happier parents. It wasn’t ideaL that we weren’t each other’s best friend during those early years, and yes that is sad. But we worked separately so we could once again be together, if that makes any sense? He started sailing, found and incredible bunch of people to do this with. I have a fantastic life with new friends as well as old, and a great social life, without husband and kids with husband and /or kids.
We visit Ireland regularly, have whatsapp family chats, face time, zoom etc etc. the kids are planning gap years there, we have a house there that will need doing up and selling some time in the future, we dream of a year sabbatical to do this as a family.
It sounds to me like you are in a good position financially, you have options. I’d start with the gp, therapy, a project, a job, some volunteering, some exercise. I’d plan my next trip home and when back from that plan the next one. Go three times a year if you have to.
Make it right with your husband, yes he’s being an immature arse, but he doesn’t know how to deal with this anymore than you do. These are the hard years, young kids, elderly parents. Hell throw menopause and a 12000 mile move into the mix and you can see why you’re crashing.
When it’s all calmed down, make your way across the bridge and I’ll take you for a wine and a whine.

One1 We are on lockdown here too, probably not as long, but I know what it's like. To be honest though, I would still swap. I miss the camaraderie - my friends are doing regular Zoom dinners and drinks nights and I'm am invited, but it's hard - my sadness is all consuming and for me it would be PJs and making porridge not disco lights, DJs and G&Ts. But lockdown has been a useful way of me explaining how I have felt for the last 6 months. Imagine you can only contact the people you love remotely. You can't hug them, no body language, no bumping into them unexpectedly and a godawful time difference. And as I've mentioned before, I can't even speak to my dad because of his speech problems.

DH was never in the same position. He had already been in the UK for 7/8 years and married once when I met him and he was contracting so went back home 3-4 months a year during this period. His close group of friends were a group of 5 school friends from NZ and as these friends married and had kids they became our joint friends (the second tier, if you like, to the friends we made subsequently)
He started a new career that he loved, a year the year after we met and in about 5 years went from earning about £25k pa to closer to £100k. His job was also flexible and 98% of the time he was around for the kids breakfast and tea. We had 3-4 holidays a year including with his family - this time last year we were in Mexico, year before Sri Lanka, year before that Thailand. In some ways I don't give a shit, I've realised that people are the only things I want back, but it illustrates how life has changed - I'm going to have to ask my parents for money for flights after this year and we can't afford holidays.
His life there was nothing like my life here can ever be, even with the best will in the world.

I'm ploughing through and have to go an make the kid's lunch but a quick thank you to nzeire, Iflyaway, Honsandrebels and Namechangedagain.

You have no idea what it means to have people who understand what I am going through. It makes me feel a little less mad. It's not just me.
These posts make me cry, just because I am not alone. Thank you x

@witchesandwizards you are def not alone and your post has helped me feel validated if that helps cheer you up even a little? I feel less alone now as well!
Also am in same time zone as you and doing same thing (sorting kids lunch) while thinking of you.
My dh acts like a fool around his family as well, and like yours had (and could have again) a brilliant life in the uk. He refuses to acknowledge my homesickness/grief over being so far from home. I would be happy to shuttle between the two countries doing blocks of time in each but he is totally unwilling to compromise. Like yours a lot of it is based on his family being here. Most of mine have died now which makes it easier for me to leave.

I think you need legal advice asap. I think most NZ law firms will still be up and running although their phones may be diverted to home. You need a family lawyer. I do know of cases where people have been allowed to leave with their children but it is not easy.

@Honsnadrebels, I have PMd you but yes, DH is also totally unwilling to accept or empathise over my grief. It is like a bereavement. Maybe worse because it's my whole life I am mourning. Yes my parents will still be my parents, my friends are still my friends, but I will never be anything but a visitor in their lives. And yes I can call, but god, the 11/12/13 hour time difference is an absolute fucker.

Maybe I am being dramatic but this is how it feels to me.

spatchcock For reasons I have explained, the job thing just isn't possible right now. I'm not sporty, as in team sports, partly by ability but partly because I can't risk screwing up a knee reconstruction I had in my 30s in a country with no national health service, but I do swim and go to the gym every day (lockdown aside). I'm also waiting for my police vetting to come through so I can help at school and again, this is all I feel all I can do in my current mental state.

Your posts leave me torn, OP. On the one hand, your dh is not behaving well to you at all, and the alcohol issues with his family sound worrying. OTOH, I can't help feeling that you've rather lost perspective. In the current situation in particular, your assertion that you'd rather be in a squat at home than in your five bed house with pool did strike me as somehat tone deaf to the realities of life at the moment for many. You're clearly used to living an affluent life and you are, undoubtedly, suffering grief and loss. Your feelings are valid and unsurprising. But I think you're tipping too far into an unhelpful self absorption.
You're in the absolute worst bit post a move like this, and the global crisis and perimenopause will be heightening everything. You've told yourself a narrative of your dh having no reason not to be gloriously happy in London, but what if, at a lower level, there was a feeling much like yours mixed in with that fulfilled life? His plan to 'go back one day' seems to have been very important to him throughout. The dysfunction of his family set up is a worry, but that in itself doesn't invalidate his wish to be 'home' as you have been 'home'.

I am an immigrant (definitely not an expat) and have had to move several times within the country we live in as well, including leaving a city that felt more like home than anywhere I have ever lived. It's brutal. I really get it. But going forward and forging a life is key.

In a way, the situation you are in now is comparable to an unwanted pregnancy. You can (theoretically; the practicalities are another thing) choose to leave, or you can choose to stay, but the previous (pre move/pre pregnancy) state is gone and won't be coming back. Moving back won't mean everything goes back to how it was before, which is what you really want. As hard as it is (and you do have a right to grieve), what you do now needs to bear that in mind.