Just need to share - no solution

[Witchesandwizards]

I met my kiwi husband 13 years ago in London, I am 48, he is 42 and we have two children, 10 and 7. We moved to NZ October 2019 against my wishes, but my husband always wanted to come back.

It was always an understanding that at some point we would move to NZ but this was decided before children, before my parents became frail and it kept getting put off as we built a successful and comfortable life in London with a close network of friends. I hoped that this would mean we didn’t have to move. By the time he decided we should move, I didn’t want to, but my husband held me to a ‘promise’ I had made 12 years earlier, and despite a lot of arguments, we set the wheels in motion and moved 6 months ago.

Immediately I felt homesick and suddenly realised that I had taken my life for granted, but emotionally I still felt in control and we threw ourselves into finding a house. And when we moved into that house, I looked forward to our container arriving and then it was Christmas. I spent 4 months either expecting things to improve or busy with the holidays. I still cried, we still had arguments, but nothing could prepare me for how I felt when the kids went back to school.

At the start of February it hit me like a ton of bricks that I have left most of my family and all my friends, my career, the home we renovated together, the city I love and my country of birth. It dawned that the rest of my life could be unhappy, living in a place I hate and don’t belong. At almost 50, I don’t really have much chance of building a life that is as fulfilling as my old one - I feel bereft and trapped. The best way I can describe it is that it feels like I’m in a coma and someone is trying to turn off my life support and however hard I try to yell, I can’t make them understand that I’m alive. I feel trapped in a nightmare - I have lost all control over my life. It’s a horror movie. I can’t even look back at last year and all the planning and believe I actually came. It’s a blur. I don’t know how I got on the plane.
Everything I do reminds me of an occasion, place or person from home. Hundreds of times a day. Music makes me sad, photos make me sad, social media makes me sad. I’ve always been the sort of person who can compartmentalise my problems, and still get up every day and find something to enjoy, putting a face on through hard times and still functioning well at work and socially. But now I only function for the children and nothing brings me joy. I have deserted my parents when they need me most, I argue and fight with my husband in front of the children, I don’t earn a living and I am horrible to live with.

Consequently, we are having terrible marriage problems - I’m not playing ball and embracing life as he wants me to, and he says I am negative. He is the classic extrovert and I am a natural introvert but with extrovert ‘cover’ when needed - he thinks I should socialise more to get out of my rut, find a job (after a 24 year career in advertising, I can’t get work for logistical/childcare reasons, age and now probably recession), and is pissed off that I don’t want to hang out with his family all the time (I don’t particularly get on with them). In return I have been absolutely vile to live with, lashing out (not physically) because I blame and resent him for my situation. He is now talking about separation but has said I can’t take the children home so I would have to stay here with 50% access, spending half my time alone in a country I never wanted to live in. I don’t know if I love him, I can’t see the wood for the trees.
I know I am depressed, but what good are anti-depressants, I need a time machine.

If you got this far thank you! There is nothing anyone can do to help but writing it down maybe helped. Or maybe not. 3.30am and I'm done x

Actually, you can probably get him for endangering the kids with the BIL, lying, etc... go the bloody police.

Sorry, I should have said, I have assumed other people are correct on the not being able to leave NZ, I would definitely get proper legal advice on this though ASAP.

The NZ govt don’t take this very lightly

Oh OP, this is so sad to read. I made a similar (although much smaller in terms of distance) move and I recognise your feelings so well. There was period of time where I vomited every day because I was so unhappy and felt so trapped and suffocated. I was convinced I would never be happy again and couldn't cope with the crushing weight of that realisation. It was awful, utter bleak despair. Anyway, we've been here 4 years now and my feelings have completely changed. In all honesty the actual situation hasn't changed that much - I still don't have a close group of friends here (you're already doing better than me on that front!), I love DH's family but they're rubbish when it comes to emotional or practical support and I massively resent that, my parents are still ill and I still feel guilt for leaving them etc etc. But I've gone from being convinced I could never be happy here to now believing I'll be unlikely to ever leave of my own choice as I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. Part of it is seeing my daughter flourish - she has a better childhood here than she would have had in London. But massive part of it is learning to appreciate the things I hated at first. What was once unreliability and slowness in others is now an easier, more relaxed pace of life where expectations are lower and tolerance is higher. What seemed like outdated attitudes is now a return to older values and a willingness to welcome and learn new things. Etc etc. And mostly what happened to make these changes was time. Time and medication (for PND but it helped everything). I hope you get there too. I think you will.

So your feelings don't matter at all to your dh, it seems.

I would discreetly seek legal advice on the matter.

I would also keep talking to dh, explaining how you feel and that one is allowed to change one's mind once you've actually experienced the reality.

Try keeping it civil but persistent.

You're allowed not to like life in NZ. It doesn't make you a negative person. It's just not your cup of tea and that is absolutely fine.

If he was prepared to go to NZ whether it not you and the kids went and when you mentioned taking them to the UK his only query was about whether he could see them in the holidays then OP I think you have your answer

He really isn’t that fussed about you and the DC being there at all. Also has anyone asked the DC what they would like in all this?

I would have a serious ‘look we’re both really miserable’ conversation with him & see if he is open to you & DC returning to UK. Also get some proper legal advice as to where you stand

It’s a bloody awful situation OP, hard enough with a supportive & loving DH but without one it’s just hideous

Hey I really appreciate how you have said you don't want to criticise New Zealand to New Zealanders. I totally understand what you are saying in relation to London and Auckland. They are poles apart. I don't think Auckland can give you the London lifestyle at all.

And your DH is an arse. Leaving you with no contact for two weeks when you are in a new country and unsettled is terrible!

We are really kind people. If you disclose to your friends how you are feeling I think they will go out of their way to try and help. I think you need that support.

Hi OP I've been a bit naughty and read your previous posts on MN... I think you have a big case of misplaced nostalgia. Life in London was different/more lovely, but your part time job arrangement was precarious and you harboured a fear of your kids joining gangs when they were older. Sure you owned your home outright but it wasn't in a salubrious area. You had a group of friends there but realistically life moves on wherever you are. They might have moved away any moment too.

The issues you have are -

1. your depression (inc possible menopause) ... please find a GP, medication if advised and go private for counselling (Skype) if possible -

2. your lack/loss of drive/purpose (ie fulfilling work!). If not a job, can you find something to substitute this?

Your priority should be your children's happiness so think of how you can stay settled in NZ in your lovely house with a pool while the dust settles. Give it a real go even though it feels hard.

Hello. I can relate to how you feel. I'm married to a Kiwi, although we chose not to have children as neither of us wants to be parents. (So, what am I doing on a parenting forum ? There's lots of chat threads on this very site about that as lots of contributors don't have kids for one reason or another.)

We lived in NZ from 2011 to 2016. Not in Auckland although that's where his mother and sister live albeit in totally separate districts.

I told my husband (we met in 1992), before we got married (in 1994) that I did not want to live in NZ and if he married me thinking I would change my mind that way lay divorce.

So, one day in the summer of 2006 (the fact that I was still reeling from my mother's death the previous September meant nothing to him) he tells me we could sell our house, move to NZ buy a house there and have a nice life. I was so surprised I pretty much said ok. No discussion, no agreement no nothing. The whole of the talking was how we were going to do it not whether we should do it. I didn't even have the courage to say can we just try it for a few years to see how we go.

I even had to work up the nerve, twice in fact, to ask him if he would claim his unemployment benefit when we got there because he worked in NZ prior to coming to Britain. Only as a last resort if things got tough when we were looking for work.

However, we moved in Feb 2011. About 48 hours before we left for Christchurch, NZ a huge earthquake hit the city. It was to late to change our plans. We had sold our house, resigned from our jobs, said goodbye to friends and family, rehomed the cat, converted our currency into NZ dollars.

We arrived in Auckland to visit his family initially like we said we would. That degenerated into an unpleasant saga and we couldn't wait to get on our flight to Christchurch a couple of weeks later.

To cut a long story short, Christchurch was a write off in all sorts of ways. Three months later my husband got a job on the North Island and off we went for our final throw of the dice/last chance at emigrating. Just in the nick of time as the money we had allocated ourselves to live on initially had all but run out and we were planning, on paper at least, to return to Britain.

Fortunately, it worked. We lived in a nice little coastal town. We lived in a nice house in a smart area. All good.

However, I could only get short term temporary jobs. I ended up doing voluntary work just to keep an up to date reference on my CV.

The friendships I have were with a lady from Thailand and another who was American. Kiwis are pleasant enough but don't make new friends easily, it's a two way street.

My husband enjoyed his job. We visited his family in Auckland two or three times a year. It was a day long drive but we did it.

He knew I wasn't happy. His job was getting stale so we sold our house in NZ and came back to Britain. I made sure I got my NZ citizenship before we left. I'm glad to be back. DH has said he loves NZ but cannot live there.

Can I ask you some questions please ?

What job did your husband do in Britain ? You did well to be able buy the Castor Bay house, pretty much for cash.

To what extent is your husband beholden to his family ? Do they have him by the short and curleys ?

Do you believe the family business has devalued by so much with the remainder still being owed to his parents ? Kind of convenient with a possible divorce looming.

Is there a cultural issue with the family ? What line of business is his family in ? Is it different to what he did in Britain ?

Why has he allowed himself to be drawn back into his family like this ? What are his priorities ?

Does he have any explanation why he did not call you when he was away for two weeks.

He seems to be in his family's thrall, a little to willingly. Why ?

Good luck. Take deep breaths.

I really feel for you. I'm the same age as you and in a similar situation, separated from exP in Auckland with shared care of 2 DS, so now unable to return to the UK. We are still sorting out the details of our separation and I've not even explored taking the kids away in depth on solicitor advice ( made clear it would be expensive and likely unsuccessful).

However, I've been here for nearly 10 years so am much more settled. 1-2 years post emigration was by far the hardest period as I constantly unfavorably compared with London and I found it hard to make friends. It wasn't until I got a job after 18 months here ( was pregnant when I moved out) that I began to feel less miserable . I've now got a good social circle and ( outside lockdown) love the theatre/comedy/writers fest. It's not the same as London but I really value the fact that it's more accessible ( cheaper/ easier to book etc). Anyway I appreciate all this takes time and really hard if you think you can't find work. Have you had any career counseling , might feel a bit much now but there are some good people around?

Do feel free to PM if you want. I'm in the midst of separation and it works quite differently here

We are really kind people.

I'm not disputing that.

If you disclose to your friends how you are feeling I think they will go out of their way to try and help. I think you need that support.

No, don't. You will come across as bragging. Speak to a trained counsellor and your doctor. I did when I pretty much had, what in the old days would be called a nervous breakdown.

@WaterIsWide not sure how telling your friends that you are miserable is bragging. The complete opposite really!

OP your H sounds emotionally abusive and manipulative. He has convinced you to move against your will and now you’re there, he threatens to dump you if you don’t like it? Just wow.
Get in touch with the UK authorities and DV charities for advice.
I second other posters, play poker face, come home and apply for divorce back here. Presumably you already have his permission for July’s trip? Hold on till then. I pray the pandemic would have settled by then and you can travel.
He chose to emigarate to the YK, regardless what you promised 12 years ago he chose to have children in the UK with a British woman. Ge knew he couldn’t take the children away without your blessing so he emotionally coerced you. This happens in other part of the world and cultures too.... hopefully someone can recommend charities that can help. Continue posting and don’t isolate yourself 💐

OP, you need to see a solicitor to ascertain your legal situation. Do not make any decisions until you have had legal advice. You can then consider your options from an informed position. You have choices. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. You need to find out what those choices entail as quickly as possible.

Wait! He lied to immigration? About what???

He got off a flight from LA about two and a half weeks ago and told immigration he was going straight to the beach house alone to self isolate. Instead he turned up unannounced at his parents' house. His dad has a heart condition. His mum (ex nurse) told him which bar DH and the other brother were and he went and joined them. FFS.

I read DH the riot act and said he couldn't come home - if nothing else our schools were still open and both kids have vulnerable friends and friend with parents who are medics.

I tried to discuss it with DH because it had left me in a bit of a state - just about to lockdown and no partner for two weeks - but he just kept hanging up on me and that was pretty much it for the next two weeks.

Angrily and rather childishly, I posted on FB "when your brother in law jumps off a plane from LA, surprises your husband and he can't see the kids for two weeks."

I do have quite a few people they know on FB and I think it caused some trouble. It also meant they had to self isolate for 2 weeks though.

So DH was more pissed off with me for the FB post than for his brother for putting him in that position. This says it all.

I really feel for you Wizards. I lived overseas (Asia) for two years and never stopped missing home. My mental health massively deteriorated until I eventually threw in the towel, left my job and returned. No kids though so it was much easier.

I think if I were you I would speak to DH again. You mentioned he was open to arranging when to see the kids...talk to him as calmly as you can and thrash out all your options.

they are offering him and his brother the business 'for free'

That sounds like a mine field. It might take until the end of the lockdown, but discuss this when you speak to a solicitor. Even just to get some feedback regarding what should be done regarding contracts etc and also your rights. Just keep it to yourself what you are doing. All you want is information.

It's all too much, 'on the nod' at present.

Have his parents written their will ? Do you know what happens with their estate in the event of the death of the surviving parent ?

Could the business be sold in the surviving parent's (quite probably his mother's) lifetime ?

I don't think your husband and brother in law will ever really own the business outright in your MIL's lifetime. What's to stop them getting screwed over ? I'm assuming she will retain a majority share of the business and still have some say in the running of it ? She sounds like a blood's thicker than water type.

What's to stop your BIL screwing your DH over or vice versa ? Or family members forming an allegiance with each other, and plotting against those not in their allegiance ?

I'm sceptical that your DH and BIL are really there to work to fund the parents retirement.

Is the business wrapped up in a family trust ?

Do both of his parents (and your husband and BIL's family) have health insurance / life insurance ?

Wow what a mess.

With your recent updates I take back my comment that your standard coping strategy of compartmentalising wouldn’t help you now. However I can see that it might have got you into this mess but it could also be really important to get you out of this mess.

I would be employing and honing your project management skills to segment out each issue and designate it as a “work stream” - then see which are your priorities, where each overlap with each other, what various scenarios are logistically open to you etc and map them all out on a spreadsheet or some other wizzy PM tool.

The end goal has to be the preservation and positive emotional growth of your DCs.

To achieve that YOU need to be emotionally stable ASAP (internal stuff) and then YOU need to be emotionally full filled in the longer term (internal and external stuff).

The longer term stuff is the who, what, why, where, when of your marriage / divorce, friendships, career (could you pick up online projects from UK initially), work/life balance, geog location (temp or perm), trips back to the UK, hobbies etc.

Don’t show your hand. Get stuck in and get legal advice. You sound panic stricken - whilst in this hyper state you can achieve nothing. Putting it all on paper will show your exit routes out of this trauma - they may not look like switching the lights back on on your life back in London where nothing has changed - but there is one.

Get researching and planning.
Sort your own peri-meno and MH out.
Then look v closely at your marriage and then circle back to the research and planning to see what your options are.

Him not blocking you was bad behaviour.
You posting on FB was bad behaviour.

Both of these actions will have emotionally injured your DCs at a time when they are already destabilised.

Focus on creating a calm and peaceful home for them right now - wherever it is.

Sounds to me like there is a lot that you will not be able to get past. He has massively disrespected your feelings. I'd be expecting to separate at some point.

Good luck. You are in a difficult position.

Remember: I am I said.

OP, your brother arrived from Los Angeles. Daft question, but had he been living in America ? How long for ? It doesn't really matter but is his wife American ?

So, it sounds like there's been quite the family reunion with both your in-laws sons returning home within 6 months of each other. I'm assuming their parents retiring and them being, 'given' the business was the bait that was dangled in front of both of them to get the to come back. Yes or No ?

After the lockdown ends, at what point will you give your tenants notice to quit the house you are renting out ? Do I assume that is in London ?

they all drove up to their beach house and he didn't pick up the phone to me for the next two weeks. Ignored every call and email. I had important things to discuss like our UK tenants not being able to pay rent and practical house stuff but not even that

He's awful OP, to not talk to his wife for 2 weeks. That's horrible! Especially as you've only been there a few months.

I agree with PPs that maybe you need to carve a life for yourself there- I also think mental health support would be important for anyone in your position. Medication is evidence-based. You could call the local GP surgeries and find one that would see you to sort it out, or if they think they can they might deal with some of it over the phone. You don't have to wait until after lockdown to get that sorted. It is important.

Your DC's are important but you are, too. This is about making your life as near as possible to how you want it to be as you can. xxxxx