OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

I know @BunnytheBee even like blocked. I've always had a niggling thought since 2017 that they had still been in contact but I never said anything. When I said I wanted another baby and ok it was more me than him - when we found out I did think oh maybe if there is something still going on he will definitely get rid of her now. To me having the number in the phone is still keeping that door open

Have you spoken to him for clarification since last night?

You have to keep the number in your phone to keep it blocked, if he deleted it she might message him again, there's every chance he changed the name to avoid any grief with you if you saw it there

You need to talk to him and decide what you want to do, you'll soon have two small children to raise, decide if you can do that alone or whether you want him to still be living with you, you decide what you want things to look like and tell him, and stop trying to second guess him, just talk to him

@MissSmiley blocked and delete then..as in close the door and bolt it shut. Because why else would he keep the number if he didn't want contact

As pp said, you both need to have an honest conversation. And, most importantly, you need to decide for yourself, what you want. Personally, I have repeatedly observed that the guy in such a situation was weak, didn't know for himself what he wanted and went along with whoever exerted the most pressure. Question is if you want to live with that...

I've also seen guys 'pine' for some 'what if' girl, without seriously considering changing their situation. (Heck, my best buddy since childhood told me in his mid 30's that he would sometimes drive by the place his former girlfriend lived, or stand there. They had been together between age 16 and 19. He never had plans to 'get her back' and was in a commited relationship at the time with a woman he married years later. They have 2 kids now. Guys can be weird.)

You need clarity about what he wants and what you want.

@cupcakesaregood my mistake I've checked, you can delete a number and it stays blocked, also though you can delete a number on an iPhone and find it again really easily

I think the phone number thing isn't what you need to be thinking about, decide how you feel about him, whether you can ever trust him again and what you want your life to look like in the future

Surely it’s irrelevant that he didn’t delete the number because you know he has been in contact with her again!

@crispysausagerolls I mean going forward (not that I've decided what I want to do) ami being an idiot in thinking if he wanted to make it work with me he'd absolutely need to get rid of the person he's been having an emotional affair with for god knows how long he's keeping her on some sort of backburner

No - he would need to do that. But frankly he would need to send her some sort of message/email or talk over the phone in front of you to shut it the fuck down and prove he means it, surely? Not that that means he means it, but just for some added comfort. I would accept him simply “deleting” her again!

*would NOT accept

@crispysausagerolls you're right I wouldn't accept that either. I just can't face speaking to him right this second I'm just trying to think of why he hasn't got rid, especially now. He hates confrontation, so getting rid of her would do him a favour, he'd never need to tell her I'm pregnant. He could just block delete and be done with it and he hasn't done that

Only thing your doing is driving yourself crazy with the same question
Block the number and delete

Even if he did in front of you, you can always retrieve it back !!
Also, he will now it off by heart for sure

As I see it
You think he also doesn’t want to tell her your pregnant again
So
You end this torment tonight after child is in bed
You get HIS phone, tell HIM you are ringing OW and he is to
First - tell her your pregnant
Second- you want never to see her again, you are working on your marriage

If HE doesn’t SPEAKS VOLUMES

END IT for your own sanity, you will destroy what self esteem you have left

Fuck the confrontation, it’s your life and sanity here. Put your big knickers on

@granadagirl
Correct

It wasn’t all sexual, there was some deep stuff in there.

OP, what are your dealbreakers?

Your husband has emotionally and sexually cheated for years. He told OW that he doesn’t love you. When rumbled, he manipulated you by pretending to cut contact with her. He made a fool of you by continuing to cheat. (If they’ve been physical, you need an STI test.)

You seem to be dismissing all of that betrayal and degradation to cling to the minute possibility that he has now given up OW. He hasn’t. This pregnancy won’t keep him faithful any more than the first one did. If he hasn’t interacted with OW lately, he will eventually. He will likely tell her that this pregnancy was the result of ‘a drunken mistake’ or some such nonsense.

You are clinging to an experienced liar who feels entitled to cheat to boost his ego. Are you actually willing to settle for so little?

I found something similar on my OH phone a while ago. He said there was nothing in it...I didnt believe it then & I dont now. I believe they probably still speak but I dont actually believe they meet up anymore.

I may sound weird in saying this but I am okay with it (if they do speak). And..I will never know the truth of what happened so I dont beat myself up about it. I have a good life.

@MsDogLady thank you, your honesty is so greatly appreciated. At this moment I. Time I don't know what my dealbreakers are I'm just so confused. I'm getting so much support on here and it's been so helpful. I know I focus on the number but the number is the OW. Do you think if he was happy with me she would then be blocked and deleted?

Just ring the OW yourself and ask what is going on. Tell her you are pregnant. You might get more out of her if she realises she's been lied to too.

@MrsPerfect12 this is the worst thing of all..I don't actually think he has been lying to her. I think I've pushed him into this second baby, he's temporarily stopped speaking to her because he doesn't know what to say in case he loses her because otherwise that number would be absolutely gone

Do you think if he was happy with me she would then be blocked and deleted?

We can't know OP! Nobody can!

Some people would have blocked and deleted if happy with you.

Some people wouldn't have blocked and deleted if happy with you.

Some people are so selfish that until both women know and they are forced to 'choose' they just don't make any definite decisions such as blocking and deleting.

Some people like him are so selfish that until both women know and they are forced to 'choose' they just don't make any definite decisions such as blocking and deleting AND even then they don't really make a decision, they do something in the moment and then if they change their mind they undo it.

Some people do what they think they can get away with for as long as they can get away with it...

He's got away with this before

You called him out and made him choose

He chose

His choice was as a lie

You've called him out again

He now says he chose you, but then started speaking to her again

So his choice was a lie

He now says he stopped when you were pregnant again

And what, that's meant to be something he gets a pat on the back for?! Even if it was true?!

I'm tired keeping up with it all so you must be fucking exhausted.

He is not a nice man.

If you saw a message from her to him tomorrow, saying she didn't want him and he should make a go of things with you would you be happy?

Because my anger about him being such a cowardly liar would mean I would laugh at him and say see, now you have neither of us. Bye!

Whereas I fear you would be relieved.

Don't you deserve to be with someone who has actively chosen to be with you? Who you haven't had to persuade to stick around?

Come on love, you're better than this and you're going to make yourself ill with worry when you're already at a stressful time.

You know the score, you need to stop focusing on the motives for his behaviour and ask yourself why you're tolerating it.

Ok @BackseatCookers and whoever else on this thread that is frustrated but I'm turning to you all because I can't deal with facing him right now. And I'm on and on about the number because it's not just a number. It's her. So sorry if I'm being over sensitive that's it

Believe me I am thankful for people's opinions on here otherwise I wouldn't be asking. I haven't spoken to him today because I can't face it. I don't even know if he's going to tell me the truth. I know that she's being kept on the backburner

Sorry sorry I didn't mean to sound angry with you, I'm just so angry on your behalf that he's being a dick to you and getting away with it. Sorry, my tone must not have come across the right way

Don't apologise @BackseatCookers I know I'm asking the same question about the number. But the number is her. It's a person, it's not a number..I'm just trying to work out why he's keeping quiet with her for now. If he stood in front of me off his own back and deleted it and blocked it I front of me maybe we could work through this. I'm having his baby and he knows that. I'm just trying to work out if he's stopped speaking to her because he's waiting to reinvigorate contact (which is what I think it is) and was just wondering if I was alone in thinking that or has he stopped for good but if you stop for good why keep the temptation on your phone. I know I'm asking the same q and I honestly don't mean to be annoying I'm just trying to at least get some things straight in my head before I attempt another discussion with him otherwise it will explode. Don't apologise x

Sorry if I’ve missed something but why do you think he’s stopped messaging her? Because he said so? Because you didn’t see any recent messages? I’d call bullshit on that OP. If he’s capable of saving her number under a fake name he’s capable of instantly deleting anything they’ve exchanged so he doesn’t get caught out again.