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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
Cupcakesaregood · 11/04/2020 21:08

Hi @MolotovMocktail yes I'm inclined to agree..not that this is any better but I do believe him when he says he's stopped when he found out I was pregnant, I can't explain why I think that it's just a feeling..but the fact she isn't off the phone completely screams that IF he is silent at the moment, it's not permenant

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 11/04/2020 21:42

Call her

lesleyw1953 · 11/04/2020 22:07

He is a lying creep with no honor who does not love you. You must see that. I get that you want to grasp at straws, to find some sort of excuse or explanation for his behaviour that will allow you to hope things will be OK And I really bleed for you. You deserve so much better - and once you face reality you will find the strength to ditch this waste of space and go on to make a loving honest home for your dc. And in time you will move on to find someone who loves and respects you. It will be difficult and painful - but not as bad as spending years waiting to catch him out again and living with someone you cannot trust. Flowers

Natsel84 · 12/04/2020 00:18

I'm sorry , your going through this , especially being that your pregnant as well , but I would be on the phone to the other women to tell her what for . Or get him to do it on loud speaker in front of you, to cut all contact .

MsDogLady · 12/04/2020 01:07

Regarding your question, I don’t know if he is happy with you. He certainly isn’t committed to you. Some cheaters admit that they were happy with their spouse/partner but selfishly wanted to pursue outside sex/ego boosts. Others do have marital issues but choose to cheat rather than work on the relationship or leave it.

Regardless of his mindset, your H has made unethical choices that have demeaned you and deeply wounded your marriage. For 3 years he has been developing intimacy with OW. He has not ended the affair and the presence of OW’s number proves that. Even if he made another grand gesture and deleted her, he would find a way to continue with his long-time affair partner.

Dontletitbeyou · 12/04/2020 03:02

Some men , like women will stay because they don’t want to leave their children . It really is that simple .
The fact that you saw that he had written to OW telling her he doesn’t love you is showing you what type of person / husband he is . He’s not committed to you emotionally and has zero respect for you .
He got caught out the first time, made a big show of deleting her ( her number ) from his life . Except ...... he didn’t . He merely gave her another name and carried on typing to her in secret . You know that , he’s admitted that.
Now he tells you that since you got pregnant again he’s stopped typing to her .i imagine he’s thinking you should be happy about that . Why should it take for you to be pregnant again, before he stops typing to her ( if that IS the case , which I doubt) why could he not have stopped and walked away after the first time he got caught and he saw how hurt you were
My belief is that if someone cheats , gets caught , sees the total devastation they have caused , is genuinely sorry and stops that’s not great , but maybe something some people can work with . If someone cheats , gets caught , sees that same devastation, and does it again , he’s showing you he just doesn’t care whatsoever, not at all , for you , your hurt , nothing .
He’s keeping her number for a reason , maybe he has ,for the time being ,stopped typing to her , but the chances are , one day in the not too distant future he’s going to be bored , tired , frustrated from lack of sleep , life returning to normal , everyday life stresses ( any or all of these ) then he’s going to get back in touch . When, as other pp has said , he wants a bit of an escape from reality , where in his dreams he’s footloose and fancy free ..Her number is there for a reason , if she was nothing to him he would have got rid by now . Her number is there because he wants it there .
You just need to ask him ,tell him the stress is having a negative impact on you , and therefore can’t possibly be good for the baby . Use a bit of guilt . But it’s true as well , this emotional upheaval can’t be good for your child .
He’s shown you he’s untrustworthy, you just have to decide weather you are happy to spend the rest of your life with someone who doesn’t love or respect you enough to be completely honest with you .
Judging by the type of person he sounds , if he does get rid of this OW , she will be replaced by someone else . It appears that lying , cheating and hurting women is just a part of who he is .
Sorry . It may sound harsh , but you will very unlikely find an inner peace and security with this man , you and your children don’t deserve a life where deception is the main ingredient . It makes for a lonely and miserable life

granadagirl · 12/04/2020 09:42

Sorry, I think your too scared to find out the truth!
Why aren’t you angry enough to confront him?
That line alone “I don’t love her” to say that to OW about YOU
The woman who looks after his child, cooks, cleans, for him.
You clinging onto hope, and making him do the “pick me dance”
I feel really sorry for you honestly
But unless YOU say something he is just going to carry on. It won’t bother him if your not talking to him, that will suit him he doesn’t like confrontation. I bet he doesn’t
He is for sure still talking to her, that’s why he’s got her under another number!!!!!
Text, delete text delete. Sorry he is

What your doing is delaying the obvious
The truth, not from him mind you
Driving yourself batshit, with the same old question.

Why he got her stored in another name
Because he WANTS to, as done , and will continue too. He knows the number of by heart doesn’t need it written down.
It’s just easier than typing it in every time
He thinks your not clever enough to suspect him of doing anything like that.

You really need to sort this, only you can
I think you giving him the silent treatment
Because you think he’s going to come to you and say . I’m sorry, it’s you I want to be with
I love you, you mean the world to me, your my rock ???????????!
Is that what your waiting for ???

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 10:06

@Dontletitbeyou you're right. Everything you said. Is he only staying with me for sake of kids? Even though I'm about to have anoher? I think so

OP posts:
Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 10:12

I just mean I get the staying for the kids thing. That's probably what he's doing. But don't people just do that for one child? Not then have another? Or was that because our second was mainly my decision

OP posts:
Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 10:14

@granadagirl I know I'm going to speak to him. But I actually meant confrontation with her and that's why he's maybe not texting her (for the moment) because I think if he tells her I'm pregnant she will end whatever they have or is that a stupid way of thinking. And please don't suggest me calling her, that's going to cause me too much stress I can't face it

OP posts:
ohangel · 12/04/2020 10:24

I've been the OW in this situation, an emotional affair, not a physical one. The married man gave me all the usual talk about how they were separated and he would be moving out soon. Needless to say it didn't happen. Because of this experience, if my DP behaved the same way I would feel I'd have to end it, the trust would be gone.

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 10:28

@ohangel do you mind if I asked if it's ended between the two of you? Deleted blocked etc? Thank you for sharing

OP posts:
Idontwantthis · 12/04/2020 10:48

This is very sad to read. You’re desperately waiting for just one poster to tell you that the number means nothing, that he loves you and wants your family life with your children.

In all honesty - he doesn’t love you, and is staying (for now) for the kids. It won’t last. I’m so so sorry op. You and your children deserve far more.

ohangel · 12/04/2020 11:04

Yes once I woke up and realised that he wasn’t going to leave her- I got out, no contact- blocked, deleted.
I heard on the grapevine he did leave her in the end and very swiftly was in a new relationship so I suspect he wanted someone lined up properly first I.e a physical affair as well as an emotional one

deepwatersolo · 12/04/2020 11:38

I just mean I get the staying for the kids thing. That's probably what he's doing. But don't people just do that for one child? Not then have another? Or was that because our second was mainly my decision

Well, looking at it from that perspective, he actually decided to stay for kid number one. Given he has decided to stay for the child, anyway, why not have another one. That changes nothing regarding his plans and may go along with his idea of family (having a sibling may seem like an important part of 'family' so why deny that to his beloved child).

I do not think he views 'having a family and staying with it' and 'texting with that other woman' as mutually exclusive.

Robin233 · 12/04/2020 11:53

If the shoe was in the other foot he wouldn't put up with it.

Men rarely tolerate any kind of infidelity.

Big girl pants OP

As long as you let him have his cake and eat it he will.

Totally agreed with @grandagirl
Please re read her post.

There is no good reason the number is still there.

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 13:18

@Robin233 he's not having his cake and eating it he's clearly not happy with me whilst he still has her around. She still in his life whether they are speaking or not

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/04/2020 13:34

Do you think if he was happy with me she would then be blocked and deleted?

Yes I do.

Look...the most likely scenario is he got rumbled in 2017. He deleted the number in front of you, but resumed contact later.

He likes his she makes him feel. He tells her he doesn't love you, that he's there so as not to lose his kids.

He tells her she makes the marriage bearable, she keeps him going and if he met her before you....she'd be the one.

This is what so many OW have said their MM tells them. Some OW will go above and beyond for the MM....he loves the ego strokes and how she makes him feel like a king.

Your marriage is on very shaky ground.... you keep torturing yourself with the telephone number.
Fact is, the affair never stopped. You need to let that sink in then do what you will.

If remaining in the marriage with a cheater serves you well, that's up to you. In the end, he will leave you anyway.

Better be done when you have a chance to meet someone else and age is on your side.

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 13:38

@SandyY2K you're right. So do you think that him not speaking to her at the moment is only a temporary measure and that he has every intention of resuming contact? Happy Easter by the way and thank you for your advice x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/04/2020 13:38

he's not having his cake and eating it he's clearly not happy with me whilst he still has her around.

He is having his cake and eating it.
He has you and family life and he has his OW.

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 13:45

But sure you you have to be happy to have to have your cake and eat it? He's clearly not happy with me @SandyY2K

OP posts:
deepwatersolo · 12/04/2020 13:48

he's not having his cake and eating it he's clearly not happy with me whilst he still has her around. She still in his life whether they are speaking or not

Frankly, OP, if this is so, if he is clearly unhappy with you but still stays, it is in your hands to decide, whether you want to go on like that for the sake of your kids or because you love him or whatever, or whether you want to 'put him out of his misery' and cut him loose.

The way you describe it, it does not matter whether her darn number is in his phone contacts or not or if they ever speak or see each other again or not. She will always be with him. (I still say it is escapism, but it is pretty irrelevant what one calls it. It is what it is.)

Ever seen the movie 'The Age of Innocence'? From your description you are living it (minus the robes). Watch it. Even better, watch it with him and ask him if he can relate and if that is really the life he chooses, considering we only live once. (You should ask yourself the same thing).

movietrailer:

Robin233 · 12/04/2020 14:00

It's like this

As a husband he has needs.
Love, sex, friendship, connection, fun, support , understanding, conversation.

(He has friends and hobbies which also meet some needs too)

As the wife you probably meet most of these needs so he's stays with you.

But ow is meeting maybe one or two other needs.

So can you see how strong your position is???

He will carry on with this half life until one or both of you put your foot down and refuse to carry on.

Maybe ow will realise that his empty promises to leave you are a pack of lies.

Or you will realise the 'hell' he's putting you us just not worth it.

It will be at that point he will realise it's about to lose everything.

Did you ever get to the root course of why he was in contact with her in the first place?

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 14:05

@Robin233 I don't think my position is strong. At all.

OP posts:
DBML · 12/04/2020 14:07

Hi op! Happy Easter.

Have you spoken to your husband yet?

What do you want to happen, now that you’ve had some time to process?

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