OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

@deepwatersolo your insights are really helpful, thank you - his parents went through a divorce which really really affected him. Do I think he loves her? No. Do I think he loves me? No because if he did he'd get rid of what is making me unhappy. Do I think we have a connection? No. Do they have a connection? Well if he's keeping her on his phone after all of this even if they aren't speaking right now? Yes

Something similar happened to me years ago. I was in a relationship with someone (not married though and no kids) and there was a girl who he’d been casually seeing before me that kept popping up. I’d see texts from her that he would dismiss as them just being friends but it made me so uneasy. Eventually I went on her Instagram page and found recent photos of them together. My instinct was right, and I wasn’t very strong initially and stayed with him until he actually crossed the cheating line and she got pregnant, and he obviously left me for her (not that I’d have stayed after that).

Once you’re got that uneasy feeling and the distrust starts creeping in it’s so hard to come back from. Even if he doesn’t actually physically cheat, do you really want to be paranoid about it for the rest of your life? That’s just as damaging frankly. I’d be wanting to know exactly why he has put her back in his phone under a false name and expecting a damn good explanation. I doubt there will be one though.

I’m so sorry OP but I’d be thinking about leaving. He’s obviously got no respect you and you deserve better than spending the rest of your life wondering if you are second best.

I'm a bit confused now.
You say you don't have a connection ?

But they do even though they are not in contact.

Look , until he realises he could really lose you over this he'll just carry on.

He's like a small child.

You have to be firm.

@Robin233 when I saw the messages between them it was clear to me they do, the first thing I thought when I read them apart from me being in shock was he uses words he's never said to me before. They aren't in contact but let's face it that's not a permenant thing is it because he'd have blocked her

Thank you for sharing @sunfloweryy may I PM you?

Of course

Cupcakes , it's sounded all along that you would forgive him and move on if you knew that his relationship with the OW had permanently finished ?

You're worth more than that , you really are . He's not reliable, honest or trustworthy . You on the other hand plainly are

If they have such a 'connection'
Why aren't they together?

Because they DON'T.

She's just a distraction.

If they ever got together.......
I'd give it 2 weeks.

Story old as time.

Thank you @butterpuffed yes maybe I would forgive him j can't honestly know but it's obvious he has no interest in getting rid of her and the reason he isn't speaking to her right now is because he doesn't want to risk losing the backburner girl or does that sound way off the mark

@Robin233 I'm probably going to get slated for this but I think he's staying because we have a child and yes I will be honest I thought having another would give him more of a reason to stay

OP he might “stay” for the child but probably carrying something in with her

I’m sorry you’re going through this

@BunnytheBee hi, yes I do think you're right. He's had however many opportunities to delete the number and it's still there. I know people are saying not to focus on the number but as @OhCaptain said very brilliantly he wouldn't have it there if he wasn't using it. He may not be in contact for now but I'm starting to think that's more to protect her than me because if he didn't care about her he'd have at the very least deleted. What do you think? Thank you for any honest opinions they mean a lot x

@Cupcakesaregood

Have you asked him to message her that whatever they have is over, in front of you. And would he delete her in front of you?

I’m not saying this would make a difference, it certainly wouldn’t to me. But, you seem hung up on him keeping the number and I wonder if this would help you pass that point.

If he had been genuinely upset that he'd emotionally cheated on you the first time (more?), he would have stoped all contact and deleted everything about her. Hundreds of messages isn't a minor infatuation. He didn't. He hid her number under another name so that he could go on co texting her, just be more clever and delete texts and call logs.

Yes, totally stupid to bring another child into a marriage where you have no trust in the other person. You are now going to have to manage as a single parent of 2 not 1 children. You've made things unnecessarily hard on yourself and your children. I understand your reasons but sometimes you need to step back and be more rational. Having 2 children trapped me in a miserable marriage. Only one and I could have gotten out more easily. He's contacting her and will continue to do so. Sorry.

@DBML I am hung up because to me it would be such a straight forward easy thing to do..if he wanted to let go of her

The thing is you know he’s being using the number as he told you he just stopped messaging her again after he found out you’re pregnant again. He may genuinely want to try to make things work but he has cheated on you (at least emotionally) and he has lied to you. All you know about his contact with her is what you’ve found out from looking at his phone. He has never volunteered information from what I can gather.

The problem is, whatever he does now, he has lied to you and you don’t trust him. You will probably never trust him.

Having said that I know that it’s not easy to leave a marriage even if there is a lot that isn’t right.

@goldpartyhat thank you..I completely agree. And this time around, even though he's not contacting her right now, he's left the number in his phone for a reason?

@BunnytheBee agreed but don't you think if he genuinely wanted to reply make this work he'd get rid of the number?

He doesn’t want to go get of her OP. He didn’t before and he doesn’t now. He might not even be telling the truth that he stopped talking to her when you found out you’re pregnant.

Can you have an honest conversation with him? Ask him what is going on, for how long etc. You will know if he’s lying and if he can’t be honest now then what future do you have?

@BunnytheBee sorry I pressed post too quickly, yes I agree. And to be honest I actually do believe him that he has stopped for now but it obviously isn't a permanent decision. I believe he's stopped because if he tells her I'm pregnant he'd risk losing the backburner. If he wanted to make things work with me he'd get rid and close the door and lock it, what do you think? And thank you for the honesty :)

@Cupcakesaregood

I know that hun, I was just wondering what his attitude since has been?

Has he been apologetic and offering to end things and delete...

Or has he STILL kept on to the number?

I wondered whether if you could see him delete her now, it would give you more strength to focus on what you want to do next 💐 xx

I don’t think he wants to get rid of her number so that he can make things work with you. He’ll try to keep things as they are - married to you, living with his kids and seeing her when he can.

Sorry to be harsh but that’s what I think.

Would you feel better if he agreed to delete her number and let you are his phone whenever you want?

He could still lie though as he could delete messages or get another phone.

Does he talk to her? Does he have opportunity to speak to her in private while we are all on lockdown?

Awful lot of assumptions going on here.

You both need to sit down and have van honest talk.

I know it's hard.

But no ones he's not contacting her.

You don't know he's staying for your child.

You need to ask him and listen to his answers.

You are worth loving so maybe that's why he's still there....

Yes you're right, my head is fried I really need to think through things. I know I concentrate on the number but to me it's a simple thing it's a button on a phone and he hasn't done it.

Surely if he wanted to avoid any sort of fall out with her (he actually hates conflict) it would give him even more of a reason to delete her? Thank you for the

I’m not surprised your head is all over OP

I’m pleased you have some support here

You’re right that deleting the number should be an easy thing to do if he wants you and is happy to let her go but you need to find out whether he will do that.

Even if he deleted her number though she could call / text him and then he’s going her number again...