OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Hi everyone thank you for your replies, own experiences. I will respond to them individually I just need to take a min. Yep the only thing that was really said last night when I calmly confronted him he said 'I stopped when we found out we were pregnant this time' and then I walked out. He didn't stop for me or us. If he had stopped at all, and if it was for us she'd be gone. Especially now? Instead yeah I do believe he stopped, and not permanent stopped because he hasn't even told her because he won't want to hurt or risk losing HER

Sorry, I've barely slept and probably not making sense. He didn't say he didn't tell her. This is what I think - I think he stopped (not permanently) and he probably ONLY stopped because he didn't want to tell her we were pregnant because it would probably hurt her and risk losing her

I understand. What you’re saying is that he hasn’t stopped for any other reason than...he doesn’t want to tell her you’re pregnant.

This would be because he would also have to admit to lying to her. Perhaps telling her you don’t sleep together. Perhaps telling her that he’s working up to leaving you.
A new pregnancy would show all this up to be the bollocks it is.

The thing is, if it were me, I probably wouldn’t even believe that he has stopped speaking to her. Lying must come naturally to him as he’s been able to string two women on for such a long period of time.

The problem is that you met a man who sold you a lie. A great actor. A skilled liar. You fell in love with the person he was portraying. The first time he ‘emotionally’ cheated, you thought it was some sort of mistake. Now the real him has been truly exposed, you are confused about where your lovely husband/partner is! The truth is, he simply doesn’t exist.

Chose a life with a lying cheat; or choose a life with your children and the freedom to meet someone more genuine.

@DBML when I found the original messages I saw that he told her he didn't love me. The OW is an idiot but she can't be that stupid into thinking we haven't been sleeping together. Happy or not we are still married. But you're right - he won't want to face up to her but once again if he doesn't want to do that why doesn't he get rid of her number?

I’m so sorry op, he didn’t get rid of her number because he simply didn’t want to.

He likes things as they are believe it or not. Wife at home looking after kids. And a good time hook-up, who he gets his excitement from.

It’s unfair on both women really. He’s selling you both a lie.

He won’t change, because he feels entitled to this type of life.

Do you want to stay with him? If you do then that’s ok. It’s your life and your choice. But you will have to accept a few things:

1. You won’t get a word of truth from his mouth

1. He will continue to see/speak to this woman and if not, other woman. He will just hide it better. Download apps that delete messages instantly etc

You can’t change him. You either accept him or you don’t. I’m sorry xx

@DBML thank you for being kind. Do you know what the most ironic thing is though? His messages to her seemed so honest. Even the words he used. Words he's never used with me

@Cupcakesaregood

They are no more honest than what he says to you. He tells you both what you want to hear.

If he was honest to her, he’d have left you for her.

What he says to her feels more honest because it reflects what you’ve just found out. Trust me, if you left him and he went to her, he’d soon have to find someone to sext with on the side, to keep that part of him satisfied.

In simple terms, he’s a twat. Sorry, but it’s clear from an outsiders point of view.
He’s lied to you and led you to believe he’s someone he’s not.

You will now be grieving this person, who never existed. It’s completely natural. I can’t stand people who do what he’s done to others. It’s so cruel and you didn’t deserve it xx

@DBML do you think though if he had wanted to make a proper go with me and to make this work..he'd have deleted and blocked her? Thank you for your honesty, it's so appreciated x

@Cupcakesaregood

Oh op, if I could give you a cuddle right now I would!

If he had wanted to make a go of it with you, he’d never have started this in the first place...but yes, he’d have deleted her and never spoken to her again.

He sensed how much you loved him; he knew he’d get away with his bad behaviour. He chose to lie and to keep this woman on the side.

He doesn’t love either woman as much as he just cares about himself and his own ego. That’s the truth.

Don’t for a second think you aren’t as good! Or not enough! You are. Your husband has issues with lying and cheating and that isn’t your fault.

Just to add...

Think of your husband as ‘broken’. He’s broke op and there’s nothing you can do to fix him.

You either accept he’s defective or you look for a new and improved one.

It just hurts. But you face a life time of hurt vs the short term hurt of a split. Xx

@DBML thank you for being so kind. I don't know what to do. I know deep down we haven't been happy for a long time, I thought maybe us getting pregnant this second time, that it would maybe fix or help things. He still has her number because he doesn't want to let go of her whether they are speaking right now or not. And as I've been told by other kind members like yourself on here, it's a button on a phone to delete and to close and lock the door and block. He hasn't done it x

OP this isn’t just a singular event that has been done as nothing more than a stupid mistake. This man has knowingly deceived you for years and as the very wise DBML Has said. He’s sold you a dream. He’s gone out of his way knowing how much pain this would cause you and he only cared about himself. It’s not even about you or the OW for him. It’s his need to have his ego stroked that matters the most to him.

@Cupcakesaregood

Of course you don’t know what to do! It must feel like your world is imploding right now.

And you haven’t been happy because you know deep down that he’s not 100% in this with you.

First thing to do, accept that these feelings are normal and part of the process.

Your next instinct will be to fight for him. You’ll have moments of clarity where you realise you don’t really want him, but your ego needs to ‘win’ him back, to prove to yourself he loved you more.

You’ll want to see him delete that number again and block... and for a very short time you’ll feel content with that. It’s not a long term solution though and happiness will only come from exiting the situation entirely.

Take your time op. Don’t force yourself to make quick decisions. This is your life. Just know, that you are good enough as you are. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You can be happy without him and he will eventually reap what he sows.

Band-aid babies are never a good idea.
Honestly, I think he doesn't want to be with you but he doesn't have the stones to end it.
You deserve better.

when I found the original messages I saw that he told her he didn't love me.

Why would you stay with a man who doesn't love you? I know many people in affairs lie to the OW/OM in many different ways.

They lie to justify their behaviour...because if he said he does love you, that would make him look like the bad guy, who cheats even when he loves his wife.

That would let her know, she'll receive the same if he leaves you for her.

Now he's telling her he only stayed for the baby, that he doesn't love you and you live like housemates.

Rather than get top stressed right now, as it's no good for the baby....remind him of when he said he doesn't love you to her, let him know he is free to leave and that you would like an amicable coparent relationship with him.

Stop fighting for the marriage that he's not committed to. Change your mindset about this, because having to police your spouse is no way to live.

At the end of the day, if you love someone, you want them to be happy and if he can't be happy with you, to the point he keeps on cheating, then cut him loose and build a brighter future for yourself.

Google the infidelity 180 and implement the points that you can. It's to build you up and gain confidence.

I know deep down we haven't been happy for a long time

Then don't prolong the agony...even if he deleted and blocked her, you do know he could just get a secret phone don't you?

The trust is gone....it's no good for either of you.

@SandyY2K you're so right I just meant I was hoping the want for him to do it would have been there

He doesn’t love either woman as much as he just cares about himself and his own ego. That’s the truth.

This.

And OP, I think you may well be right about him stopping contact with her because he thinks telling her wouldn't go down well with her. Who knows, given he apparently said he doesn't love you, he may well also have told her he is in a sexless marriage...

In any case, you'll have to decide, if you can live with such a man. Not because he loves someone else (he does not - I don't know if he loves you, but he certainly does not love her), but because he will always find something to fuel his escapist fantasies, to escape 'boring' reality.

@deepwatersolo the thing is the first time I saw some of the messages exchanged between the two of them and as much as it kills me to admit this he uses words with her he's honestly never used with me, he speaks to her how he's never spoken to me. The thing is I don't think he would have said things like we are in a sexless marriage and we are all grownups (in our thirties) she won't be stupid, unhappy couples have sex..but I do think that the reason he stopped isn't because he thought oh wait this is wrong I need to work on my marriage, it's because he knows that there's a risk of losing her

SandyY2K you're so right I just meant I was hoping the want for him to do it would have been there

Now you know it's not. So it's time to focus on your future with your children.

Here's the 180

www.healinginfidelity.blogspot.co.uk/2014/03/the-180-for-hurt-spouses.html?m=1

@SandyY2K thank you have saved link along with other screenshots and links that I'm going to read alone later. Another take on it though..surely if he had been telling her lies and feeding her whatever line, to get out of any future speaking with her - he'd block her wouldn't he? I know I keep going on about the number but I'm not feeling that rational

He didn't blocked her because he's using her as a bit of escapism as pp said.

He certainly doesn't love her as he'd be gone - he isn't.

The 180 is great.

Puts you in control

It also blasts his 'fantasy' right out the water.

180 sets boundaries and gives you self respect.

@deepwatersolo the thing is the first time I saw some of the messages exchanged between the two of them and as much as it kills me to admit this he uses words with her he's honestly never used with me, he speaks to her how he's never spoken to me.

If he truly loved her, he would have left you a long time ago. I don't doubt they had a special connection in those communications. It is easy to go down the 'soul mate' communication route when a 'relationship' never faces the test of reality and it is all about fairy tale style 'oh, we cannot be together because insurmountable obstacles'drama. You can dare so much more also in terms of opening yourself in such a setting, where you know you'll never have to deliver...

There is a reason the best 'love stories' are about 'not being able to come together and once the star crossed lovers come together story's over. ;-)

Obviously, he himself may buy into the 'star crossed lovers' idea. But then I have to ask: why didn't he already leave? Does look like he prefers the fantasy to a reality with her.

But, either way, it is self-centered on his part, and that part will most probably never ever change.

@deepwatersolo @Robin233 please believe me I'm not sticking up for him. Trust me on this one. But he came from a broken home so there's an element of that. I knew that when I married him. But I thought us getting pregnant this time round would help. It obviously hasn't and all I think now is that he probably isn't speaking to her on a temporary basis because he doesn't want to hurt her and not because he wants to fix things with me. I blocked a girl from my school a few months back because I no longer wanted her in my life. It took 3 seconds to do

OP I obviously don't know what 'came from a broken home' means in this context. If it means that there were problems in his earliest upbringing (first 3 years) in terms of broken trust/relationship with primary care givers, you may very well be looking at a person with some unhealthy attachment style:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

This could, for example, mean that a person with avoidant attachment style will look for an 'escape' when things become too close (like: you become closely bound to a partner by parenthood). In such a scenario, people can develop an astounding 'closeness' to someone elso who is separated by some (imagined) insurmountable obstacle (like being married to another woman). Remove the 'obstacle' and the 'avoidant' personality will not live happily ever after with the person he was so 'close' to, but he will find a way to distance himself, again, from this new relationship.

This is nothing a partner can fix. A therapist might be able to, if the person is actually willing to change (which they very often are not).