OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

@deepwatersolo I'm not making excuses for him but I think he still believes it. I know he came from a broken home, his mother was/is particularly verbally abusive towards him. This sort of explains why he hates confrontation etc. I know it sounds like I'm fighting his corner I'm not. He has made the conscious decision to keep ow in his life and he is obviously terrified of losing her. That's what I've been scared to face but it's true

His line about the Twitter is a fucking joke! All of his lines have been a fucking joke I can’t even believe it.

There was another thread on MN this week where the husband had an emotional affair and the wife kept asking him
And he kept saying it’s nothing. Then finally he broke down and apologised, blocked and deleted the colleague and is trying to make it right.

It’s the total opposite of what’s happening here. You are getting no apology, no support, no attempt to fix it. All he’s doing is making excuses for himself. He’s a fucking arsehole. Ok you put pressure on him but you didn’t force him into unprotected sex - he knew what he was doing. I’m so angry on your behalf.

Hug from pregnant me to pregnant you! And again, very well done for having the difficult conversation.

Bloody hell poor you with all this shit still going on and him still being evasive and cowardly.

When you (presumably) said well then why did you create an account just to follow her? What does he say?

Cupcake but if you suspect that, I mean... If I suspected my partner stayed only for fear of losing contact to DC, I think I‘d show him the door - with the promise that he can regularly see DC if only he gets out of my sight. If you truly believe that is the one reason he stays - do you even want him to stay then?

Hugs back @crispysausagerolls thank you x

@BackseatCookers you'll love this - he said 'I'm not going to speak to her, I just wanted her there'. It's not like he is having his cake and eating it, I know plenty of married couples who's partner aren't doing this. He is obviously unhappy..I also did something abit detective-esque but I want to be honest with everyone. I couldn't remember the effort it took me to set up my twitter account so I made up a fake one just to see the effort he went to, to do so. Bare in mind this is the man who won't even follow me on Instagram yet makes a brand new page for her. Email address/phone number, think of a username, answer security questions. I know this doesn't seem much but look at the effort he goes to just to keep her there. It's strange, now we have had the convo so many things are starting to slip into place. Things like messages that I had seen from him to her that didn't massively make sense at the time now they do. Ie the whole 'there are things going on at home that mean trouble for me' which was sent just after we started trying to dc2. As @crispysausagerolls just said, they know someone who has taken the measures to move forward they got rid of ap and instead he is creating a brand new twitter (other things were discussed btw I'm gearing myself for a post on that and I know I said I wouldn't drip feed but you have all been so good with your advice) thank you

@deepwatersolo right now, I honestly don't know because he should be making the steps to make things right. I blocked someone this morning! Ok I know it was a telemarketer but still, took 2 seconds from my life. We can't move forward while she is still in the background and I think he knows that too

...I just wanted her there.

@Cupcakesaregood, he needs to be honest with you about why he wants her there. He needs to tell you what his feelings are for her and what his feelings are for you.

God you poor thing. Listen, you know (by now) my feelings based on my previous threads.

This relationship isn't working and it's not healthy, it's toxic and causing you both trauma which will lead to trauma for your children if this atmosphere of toxicity continues.

Which it will do I'm sorry to say. I wish I could say more positive things because

I know how much you're struggling but his bullshit reasons / excuses for things are almost more disrespectful than his bad behaviour.

I hope you can confide in your family for some supper on this

Thanks @BackseatCookers no you have been very to the point which I have always appreciated. I think it was you that brought me back down to earth when I asked the (now looking back on it stupid) question of is he just keeping doors open to her because he feels guilty..you've been what I've needed to hear because it's been the truth.

My fear is that things are only going to get more complicated when baby comes. I know a baby doesn't fix anything but I thought maybe having another would help.

It is toxic, you're right. I also agree with what previous posters have said about shit or get off the pot etc for him but I do think my controlling behaviour has scared him shitless. These are things I am realising. This isn't a woe is me post, he is the one that could press a button and that would at least help things, he is the one holding onto her, I'm just saying I know I'm not faultless in this

You're welcome. I can't remember how far your pregnancy is, but no matter how far, try you best to continue to keep as calm as you can under the circumstances. The baby needs you to have as little stress as possible.

You need peace and calm, otherwise this pregnancy will be an unhappy memory for you in the future. Focus on your DS and the one you're expecting.... As Deep said...make it clear he can see his son should he leave. His wish washiness is very draining....and it will only keep your head spinning.

I have to agree with some other posters, that your H and his minimal communication would drive me mad. His excuse or lack of for the Twitter account is ridiculous.

Fighting for a marriage works in certain circumstances....in other situations...you need to fight for yourself and your kids.

Thank you @SandyY2K your post just struck a chord with me re memories of pregnancy. My memories of previous pregnancy was tainted finding the messages when I was almost 7 months. Maybe a subconscious part of me wanted happy memories for this pregnancy..yes you're right. They weren't even close to being believable. 'I'm not talking to her' do you think I should have said well if you're not talking to her then get rid of her? The reason I but my tongue was to me that was obvious but also I didn't want to force his hand as I have previously

he needs to be honest with you about why he wants her there. He needs to tell you what his feelings are for her and what his feelings are for you

He isn't going to do that. Either because he doesn't want to hurt you Cupcakes, or perhaps he thinks he doesn't need to say, as his actions say it all.

In life...you can't control what others do...only your response to them. You can't drag words out of his mouth.....he may not be confrontational, but he does exactly what he wants to do.

Maybe a subconscious part of me wanted happy memories for this pregnancy..yes you're right.

I understand what you mean.
Those who love you...friends and family can share in your happiness with the pregnancy.

I'm sure there are many online pregnancy support groups for women in all different situations.

Pregnancy can be challenging enough without what you're dealing with.

Thats 2 pregnancies you've gone through, while he has been having an affair with the same woman.

You deserve a better life than this.

@SandyY2K I do. I'm just trying to figure out what next steps are but I just take it a day at a time..I don't know if you saw crispysausagerolls post about a previous thread where the h felt remorse did those actions of deleting etc and they are moving forward but one thing I know for certain, he definitely doesn't want to hurt or lose her

This reminds me of that princess Diana quote, "they're were three of us in this marriage, so it was a bit crowded". If his not going to cut contact completely with her she is always going to be between you and he has basically said he is not going to.

Hi @Cantpickausername5 I remember that interview..exactly. So well put. And he seemed to think that even if they aren't speaking then that's ok

I'm so sorry you're going through this and totally get why you'd want to save your marriage....but love isn't supposed to be this hard. I don't think you'll find peace in this relationship, you'll always wonder and question if he's talking to her or someone else. Or wonder what his true motives for keeping her number are. Long term it's not worth it. His actions have led to you feeling insecure and you'll end up with zero self esteem in this marriage.

Hi @Faye1284 thanks for your post. I know, I thought everything was going to be ok when he agreed to second baby but obviously he's not happy as she's still in the picture

So no progress then really?

@ILuvQuarintinis yes thanks.

Hi again op! Sorry to see that things aren’t getting better for you.

I think you need to put yourself in his position for a moment, to understand what he’s feeling.

Your husband is in an unhappy marriage, where by his own admission, he feels trapped. His wife wears the trousers and he has a child and a baby on the way, that he didn’t really want.

I imagine he feels very miserable.

He has a woman friend, who gives him an escape from all this. They talk, he confides in her. She tells him that she has feelings for him. She feels like the only good thing he’s got going on.

His wife finds out about this woman and repeatedly asks him to stop contacting her. He doesn’t want to, but wants to keep the peace to avoid the aggro. He lies. When his wife insists and watches him delete the number he realises he needs another way to save her, hang on to her, keep her. He loves her.

Now, number one, he’s a complete dick for behaving like this love sick spineless idiot, who feels sorry for himself because of his overbearing wife.

But number two and this is most important...YOU are doing this to yourself.
You know how he feels about someone else. You know how bad you feel, how hurt you are, but you allow it to continue, because it’s better than him leaving.

Op, you’re terrified. All you want is for him to suddenly realise it’s you he wants to be with and for him to delete her number/Twitter by himself, because he wants to. But he’s not going to, because he wants her not you.

I sincerely wish I could change things for you and make it better, but you have two options. You still have choices.

1. Tell him to leave. Allow him to be a dad from a distance and give yourself the opportunity to meet someone who feels about you, the way he feels about her.

1. Stay. Tolerate it. Always know he is checking her posts, her pictures, maybe messaging his long lost love. You’ll live in fear of the day that he eventually gets a pair of balls and leaves you, older.

Op, this is a difficult post to write, because I know it’s going to be hard to read for you and it’ll hurt you. But I’m going to leave you with one last thought...

How you feel about him. How you can’t let go. How you’re willing to cling on to any last bit of him....

Is exactly how he feels about her.

I’m sorry 😒 I take no pleasure in saying that.

I think he wanted you to find the twitter account . You said you pretty much signed into your iPad and it was there . He made no effort to conceal it , it’s like he’s trying to punish you for everything that you are standing in the way of ( in his sad little mind).
How can he stand by and watch you tie yourself in knots like this and say it doesn’t matter .
You have also said he wants to stay because of the DC and that he’s a great Dad . He’s a Doctor , he understands how the severe emotional stress he is putting you under must impact negatively on you and therefore your unborn child ,but he doesn’t give a shit and he’s got no intention of stopping ,so he’s not being a great Dad to that child , that’s for damn sure .
As for the DC that you have , his actions are obviously causing you to worry , obsess over what he’s up to , and cause so much distress it’s clear for everyone who is reading this to see. A great Dad does NOT treat the mother of his DC like this , he loves and supports her , if he feels like he can’t do that, he does the right thing and leaves . People fall out of love , for all sorts of reasons , it happens , but it doesn’t mean that you can’t treat that person with respect and compassion . He shows you neither , he won’t give up the OW because he can’t bear the thought she’s gone from his life . He won’t leave you because he doesn’t want to be seen as the wanker who left his pregnant wife .
He’s made it very clear by telling you he wanted to meet up with her but she refused , by setting up an account following her ( and only her) on Twitter , immediately after you discussed this whole situation with him , by telling you having her number doesn’t matter if he’s not going to use it ( in which case why doesn’t he get rid of it ), he’s telling you where his priorities lie , and it’s not with you or your emotional or mental well-being .
He’s a shitty excuse of a man , who’s morally bankrupt and has no backbone . I hope that one day soon you see him for what he is and decide you actually don’t need this shit in your life .

@DBML hi, it's good to see you. Don't apologise, I came on here for honesty so I do appreciate it. I've had to face up to things and i know I'm not faultless in this.

I think things are going to get harder. I'm trying to think about the future but taking little steps because intel like my brain can only take so little info at a time right now which I think is why to some, I obsess over one thing (ie her number and now twitter) even though it's the link to her.

You're right, I do have to see things from his side. He doesn't want to lose her, clearly. I thought about messaging her and telling her I'm pregnant but I stopped myself because i really do need it to be him that does that. I think he knows if he does this, chances are he will lose her and that's why he hasn't spoken to her because he doesn't know what to say, where as I thought he stopped speaking to her because it was done. As @Dontletitbeyou puts it perfectly, if he doesn't care that he has her number, 'why keep it' which is exactly how I feel

Hi @Dontletitbeyou thanks for your post, nice to see you

Yes it had crossed my mind but then my H isn't that tech savvy. The fact he is only following her blew my mind.

Lots to think about in your post, I know things are probably going to get harder