OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Ok hope you and the baby are doing well. Don't be put off by the mean posts.

@bluestarsatnightfall thank you x

No point in rushing anything, processing it first is a good idea

Thank you sparkles - I'm just being quiet because I don't want to drip feed anything on here. The majority of people have been so nice on here and have really helped me, sure, some of it hasn't been what I've wanted to hear but it's been what I've needed and it's been honest. Thank you x

This is your life and your decision.
You don't owe anyone anything.
You asked for advice and you received it but you have a life to live and you are not obliged to keep us all updated.
Yes it would be nice to find out the outcome and hopefully it will be a happy one for you all but if you choose to keep that private you have every right to do so. Advice should not be give in exchange for constant updates, advice should be given soley to help that person at that particular time. Ignore all the negativity as you need to be strong right now, not just for yourself but for your little one and your unborn child.

I really feel for you, @Cupcakesaregood. You've had some great advice in here, which must've been really painful to hear.

Don't rush your decision as you need to to make the one that's right for you, and remember that you can change your mind at any point.

Please remember though that you're unlikely to ever get the trust back, so you'll never truly know if he's doing it again, whether that's with her or someone else.

He will just get better at hiding it.

Take care of yourself

@Sparkles333 puts it perfectly.

@Cupcakesaregood - you are amazing. You're in an incredibly difficult position through no fault of your own. Hope you're getting some support IRL. You have sought advice. You've taken on board some tough comments. I'm sure you will get to a good place even if it feels like an extremely rough road at the moment.

Thank you @Dery I am going to try and put things into words for the thread for insight as you have been so helpful. We spoke about my controlling issues which obviously is a huge factor and he felt pressured into having this baby (which I knew was coming). When I confronted him about twitter his response was - I don't have any intention of contacting her and now I have no idea what to think because to me, that's ludicrous. So he's basically saying I want it there for no reason!?

Did you ask him how he feels about you and your marriage?

Him deliberately setting up an account following just her makes no sense if he didn’t want to contact her. Unless he was doing it to provoke you?

Whilst she is obviously an issue in your marriage, I think you almost need to take her out of the equation to sort this out as she is a symptom of the problems rather than the cause I feel.

@LouLouLoo hi loulou yes she probably is a symptom but she hasn't gone away for almost three years. Yes we did discuss the future and how we can move forward I'm working my way up to putting everything in a detailed post because I think I've made mistakes before on here where I've been overly emotional and rather than put it all in one post I've unintentionally dripfed.

A lot of things were discussed, not just her, her number, the twitter account etc..but this is the only thing I can really deal with speaking about right now because I'm still processing everything - when I confronted him about the twitter account I was calm and said how I discovered it and he said he just followed her he doesn't speak to her and then when I bought the number up he said 'he didn't care' that the number was still there and it 'shouldn't matter'

Just wanted to say well done for talking to him! Can’t have been easy xx

@crispysausagerolls thank you crispy. And thank you for your realness and honesty. It is appreciated. It wasn't easy and the situation isn't what I want, it wasn't a pleasant convo but it was a convo which needed to be had

Always brave to have the difficult conversation - always best even if hurtful. Sounds like it wasn’t a total disaster though. Maybe you can start to rebuild somehow now everything is out in the open

@crispysausagerolls we are reluctant to make any decisions before birth - it wasn't a good conversation as even him making a throwaway comment like not caring whether he had her number or not is just another lie.

Still trying to process everything, I don't know if things will get better but I don't think they can get much worst right now

Cupcake, no offence, but your man annoys me to no end. Trying to get him to talk straight must feel like nailing jelly to the wall...

(And I know you said, you vexed him about the 2nd child until he agreed and whatnot. But still, that he now complains about it... really? he could have stood his ground. I mean, he was asked for consent ffs. I just can‘t...)

@deepwatersolo believe me I'm not sticking up for him..but I promise he wasn't complaining about me being pregnant, sorry if it came across that way. He just said he felt pressured which yes, unhappy couples have sex I think everyone knows that and yes I was driving us to have a second. I agree that it takes two and he knows that. I think he's more worried about losing her tbh this is the realisation I'm coming to

@deepwatersolo but I would like to nail him to a wall

If that is so, he could at least spell it out. I mean, shit or get off the pot, man. I have the suspicion he quite likes the inconsequential ‚pining from afar‘ arrangement. But I‘ve said that before.

Yeah, I‘m starting to admire your patience. I mean, really...

@deepwatersolo I'm going to be honest with you as I've had to be brutally honest with myself - I think that comment I made IE if you don't stop il never let you see our son (dc1) scared the shit out of him and he's too scared to leave me

"Cupcake, no offence, but your man annoys me to no end. Trying to get him to talk straight must feel like nailing jelly to the wall..."

This. Honestly - it sounds like he blames you for everything (you discussed your controlling issues) and takes no responsibility for any of the dysfunction in your relationship. And to suggest that the Twitter account is meaningless and him having the number shouldn't matter. Wow. Just wow. Talk about playing games. Loved your comment about wanting to nail him to a wall!

@Dery I know. When I said about twitter he said 'I'm not going to contact her' and when it came to her number he said 'it doesn't matter if I have it I'm not going to use it' I'm actually smiling as I post this (smiling. For the first time in days) just at how bad that sounds! If you aren't going to talk to her on twitter and if you aren't going to use her number...am I missing something?

Cupcakes...sometimes relationships are hard and things don't always turn out as we would like.

Our personal strength is often more than we know, when push comes to shove and you have to deal with what's on your hands.

It's important not to lose yourself in all this, no matter what happens.

I well remember that threat OP. But you said it was in the spur of the moment. Surely, he can‘t still believe that? (Did you ever explicitly walk that threat back?)

But I mean, if that threat keeps me in a marriage - why on Earth would I then agree to a 2nd child?!? I wouldn’t even have sex with a person who credibly threatens me like that and thus ‚makes me stay‘.

You clearly made a bad mistake with that threat. But either he still believes it and thus bows to your reign of terror as any intimidated captive of Hannibal Lector would, or he just can‘t be arsed to shit or get off the pot, because he finds the position quite comfortable.

Hi @SandyY2K good to see you :) yes i have to admit I was quite proud of myself for not flying off the handle. If this was a few months ago and I hadn't had such good honest and straight up advice on posters like yourself on here, I think the conversation would have just turned into shouting match. I was strangely calm