OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Don’t apologise @Cupcakesaregood, I didn’t take it sarcastically!

It’s possible things could work out between you and your husband, but the starting point to that has to be understanding how he feels and what he wants, and how you feel about that. You can’t read his mind or guess based on his behaviours, that’s why you have to speak to him.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn’t be very hopeful, but I don’t know your husband and I’m not you. I personally wouldn’t be able to stick with someone who is attached to someone else. Some people manage to make those situations work, but it usually involves a shift in expectations regarding intimacy and fidelity. What won’t work is trying to control him - it’s not healthy for either of you, your relationship or your children.

Yes @NotAnotherAlias I. Know the controlling is something I need to look at and address, I know I've been controlling and that I know that hasn't helped. I just mean that whilst she is still in his life, speaking or not speaking, backburner or front runner, that number has to be gone and so does this twitter account otherwise he's not invested in me. You don't keep a number you don't intend on using so I know why it's there I was just honestly just shocked at twitter. To take the time to go in, create a page all just to follow one person

As I said before, you can’t know the answer to any of this until you speak to him. It’s as much down to you and how you feel about what he has to say, as it is about him and how he feels.

Everything else, all this other agonising, wondering who’s first in his affections or what his actions mean, it’s irrelevant. You’re guessing and spiralling emotionally. Stop all of that, it isn’t helping you. Focus on speaking to him and getting some information, then make your mind up based on that discussion.

@NotAnotherAlias I know, will update tomorrow after chat. Thank you x

Best wishes @Cupcakesaregood xx Please do let us know how it goes.

The Twitter thing was a ridiculous piss take and that would be it for me.

@NoMoreDickheads that's exactly how I feel, I feel like he made a conscious decision to do that, the same way it's a conscious decision he has made to keep her number if that makes sense? Thank you again for being kind x

Good luck! xx

Thank you @NotAnotherAlias x

Good luck with your chat today @Cupcakesaregood
Stay calm, tell him exactly how you feel and what you want for your future.

I haven't rtft, followed at the beginning and now read the last page, I think I got the gist of it. I think in your place I'd be tempted to put a picture of myself visibly pregnant as your twitter pic and follow your DH (and possibly OW)
Just to bring things to a head a little bit.

I have to admit @Cassandrainthenight this did make me smile but I'm not going to do that. The mistake I've made in the past is that I have forced him to end what's going on. He has to want to do it and currently, he has kept the doors open

Thank you @Sparkles333 will let you know x

Well, considering you guys only stay together for the children, the obvious solution is an open marriage. Just sayin‘.

@deepwatersolo I'm sure that comment was tongue in cheek but I don't want an open marriage. I want him to get rid of her but for him to want to do it

I just mean that whilst she is still in his life, speaking or not speaking, backburner or front runner, that number has to be gone and so does this twitter account otherwise he's not invested in me.

He could get rid of all means of contact and still not be invested in you.

I want him to get rid of her but for him to want to do it

Given the current state of the marriage, why would he want to get rid of her? I understand you want that, but that difficult conversation needs to be had.

Good luck.

Thing is, you cannot control what he wants. You need to wrap your head around that.
All he has agreed to is ‚stay for the children.‘ To expect under these circumstances that he would voluntarily (!) fully give up some woman he cares for, is lunatic. Why would he? The whole ‚I‘ll toughen it out for the children‘ concept implies that one‘s heart is somewhere else. So if this OW magically disappeared, I‘d give it three weeks until he finds a substitute to pine over.

@deepwatersolo yeah I get what you're saying but the fact he hasn't (and yes I do believe this) that he hasn't spoken to her for a couple of months, is that not a good sign in any way? Or do you still think I'm clutching at straws?

Clutching at straws...like he's already said, despite not talking to her, he told you he would 'bury' his feelings for her for the sake of the kids. Not for you, not for your marriage, not because he wants to.

Good luck with the chat today

Oh gosh, I have rtft and you need to talk to him about everything, absolutely everything. He is your husband, surely he ought to be the one person that you should be able to speak to about everything and anything?

How you have sat on this for so long is incomprehensible to me, this must be torturous for you.

For me, it doesn’t matter if he hasn’t spoken to her for three months or three minutes, just having her in his life has caused untold damage. You can’t unsee the words exchanged between them, which have eaten away at you for all this time.

I don’t know if you can repair this, you don’t know either, simply because it will take 100% effort and commitment from both of you. And it all rests on honesty, trust and a high level of quality communication.

It bothers me that communication is so difficult between you. I can’t help but feel that all this time you have focused on this thread could have been used to write to your husband, asking him all these questions. That would have been non-confrontational and would have started an honest dialogue between you. You could have had clarity by now, a plan, a sense of living and looking to the future.

Please do not underestimate the emotional stress you are putting yourself under, and the potential repercussions of this. Please take proactive steps towards a permanent resolution built on trust, honesty and clear communication. Good luck, OP

You want him to want to cut her out and for his motivation to be loving you and wanting your relationship to work.

You know he doesn't want to cut her out. And that if he does his motivation would be to not (in his eyes) lose the children.

You KNOW he doesn't want that, not really.

So I appreciate you are honest in saying you want him to want to give her up. But he doesn't want to and you know that.

With that in mind you need to have this talk with him and let him speak, try to find out what has been going on and what he actually wants instead of asking leading questions like "do you want our family to be torn apart?!" Etc because it won't get you anywhere.

You need to split up. I'm sorry but this is so unhealthy and destructive and you should both be putting the kids first, including your little one on the way because these stress levels are not healthy especially during pregnancy

Thank you all for your honesty. I do understand that this thread has been frustrating for you (me too) and I do appreciate you listening to me. I know that this marriage will not survive whilst she is still in the picture, whether they are speaking or not.

I will update you all x

He opened up a Twitter account to be ‚near‘ her, once he was forced to delete her number, ffs.

This may be a good sign in that he will indeed toughen it out, but it is also a very clear sign that he does not intend to do anything beyond that - like put his heart in the marriage.

As I see it you have 2 choices: Accept that he only stays for the children and everything that comes with it (this includes him satisfying his emotional needs elsewhere) or not accepting it and splitting up.

You cannot expect a man (or woman) to emotionally invest in a marriage that they are by their own admission not leaving ‚for the children‘.

Just listen to his own words. He is telling you.

I know that this marriage will not survive whilst she is still in the picture, whether they are speaking or not.

True...but it equally won't survive if the relationship between the two of you is not repaired...because right now it is damaged and it won't fix itself.

You need to know if he wants to try and fix it, because he loves you, not just to make it bearable for the sake of the children.

I'd he says he loves her, that he doesn't love you, but will stay for the sake of the children and he will remove any method of contact with her....would that be acceptable to you?

Thanks @deepwatersolo I know me thinking the non communication is a permanent thing is naive at best part of me was hoping someone would say it's over between them etc as sad as that is BUT that's the reason why I came on here, to get some honesty so thank you

Whether this marriage survives has nothing to do with ‚whether she is still in the picture‘.

It solely depends on what you are willing to put up with and whether he is willing to ‚toughen it out‘.

The trouble your marriage is in would not disappear with this woman, and I personally doubt it started with this woman.

But, yeah, why not fight wind mills...