Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/04/2020 14:19

Having the number and this twitter account isn't acceptable even if they are not speaking right now. It all has to go, I thought cutting contact meant get rid of everything

I agree with you.

I'd go further and say that the total cutting isn't enough to put your marriage back in a good place.

Cupcakes.... look at it from the perspective I'm about lay out.

He tells her if he was happy with you, he wouldn't be with her.

In your discussion you didn't include plans of how the two of you might try to reconnect and be happy as a couple.

It's purely about staying together for the children.

Essentially, nothing has changed, apart from you both expressing unhappiness.

From his POV, he's still missing the happiness he doesn't have with you.

He might not be getting it from her at the moment, but he could in the future. So he keeps a way of contacting her, as a glimmer of hope. He's clinging on.

With you, I'm not sure if he sees that he could be happy again.

That's a crucial element of your discussions that's missing. It's not all on you though, as he has a responsibility to be an active part of the future of your marriage.

He just seems so conflict avoidant about being honest with you. Perhaps if he was honest, instead of you guessing, assuming and analysing his behaviour, you'd be under no illusions about where you stand and how he feels.

From everything you've written, neither of you come across as being able to be honest or vulnerable with each other and that's usually because, you don't feel enotionally safe with each other.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 14:24

Don't apologise @Artandlove no I'd never expect him to come off WhatsApp altogether he has other people he communicates with but I would expect him to delete her number

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 14:27

I know @SandyY2K it would take more than just getting rid of her there are obviously other issues but for me, it would be a start. Something else that a friend said to me I was wondering your take on it. I do think the reason he hasn't spoken to her right now is because there's a High chance he will lose he obviously doesn't want, so he created an account because that's his way of saying I'm not speaking right now but I'm still here type thing

OP posts:
nexttimestop · 30/04/2020 14:30

Oh he's definitely speaking to her. If he is or isn't speaking to her does it matter you'll never trust him again.

Why do you keep avoiding the questions about when your baby's due?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 14:31

@nexttimestop I'm not avoiding it, July

OP posts:
Artandlove · 30/04/2020 14:32

@Cupcakesaregood just no contact with her is essential so you can have a fighting chance of fixing things. Then you can come up with a plan to reconnect and repair the damage.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 14:40

I know @Artandlove sorry I'm mincing my words abit I just want boundaries to be absolutely clear because if this is to work yes I have to change things myself which I'm willing to do but I need to make sure he understands things with her have to be done. Closing the doors and locking them. If he isn't willing to then it's over. I was just wondering if I was wrong in thinking this or is it ok to still have her number and is it ok to still have twitter account? I don't think it is but because my mindset isn't clear at the moment I think that's why I'm asking on here

OP posts:
Trichford · 30/04/2020 14:42

I find it hard to believe that the ow is just hanging around in all of this for so many years? Seriously who would really do that?
I still think you should call her and find out exactly what's went on and what's going on now just so strange.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 14:44

Hi @Trichford sorry didn't mean to ignore you. From the messages I had seen she said how she does have feelings for him but it was him pushing to meet up. I'm not going to sit and lie so what I'm saying is a hard thing to say - they obviously do have a deep connection, otherwise why still have doors open to her. He's clearly terrified of losing her

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 30/04/2020 14:46

OP the bottom line is that you have spent a few years now trying to force him to stop contact with her.

He has not ever done so permanently and has always kept at least one avenue of communication open behind your back, despite knowing full well how strongly you feel and that it would (or should) likely mean the end of the relationship.

You know he doesn't want to cut her off completely. So even if he does do it based on you giving yet another ultimatum, he's doing it because you're forcing his hand, not because he wants to.

This is going to be hard to hear but if you left him, I don't think he would fight for your relationship. Because he doesn't want it, he just hasn't got the bollocks to end things with you.

That may be because he's worried about missing the kids, or because he doesn't think the other woman will want to be with him, or because the wants a sure thing to go to before leaving you.

Whatever the case may be, he has at no point in actions and words chosen your relationship over anything else. He isn't happy in a relationship with you and it's making you miserable too. Imagine what nice and positive stuff you could have done with all the energy you've expended ruminating over him and the woman.

It hurts I know but it's important you recognise that he doesn't want to be with you because it means you can break up and both focus on coparenting instead of playing this endless cat and mouse / power struggle / one last chance infinite times etc.

Life is fucking short, stop wasting it pushing water uphill Thanks

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 14:54

@BackseatCookers I know that you're right..she would be completely out his life along time ago, instead he's created a twitter page to watch what she's up to. I'm having his baby, but I can't help but think once this baby comes it's going to get worse (not on the baby, we will both love so much) I'm talking about us

OP posts:
Artandlove · 30/04/2020 14:58

@Cupcakesaregood no not okay to have the number or the twitter account with just her on it under any circumstances. Not to be connected to her in any way - no reason to be if you are together.

Artandlove · 30/04/2020 15:01

@Cupcakesaregood I agree once the baby comes this situation will get worse. You need to speak to him now about all of this. Plus it really can’t be doing you or the baby any good with the stress you are under with all of this.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 15:01

A few people have asked how they know each other and the reason I haven't said is because I'm not entirely sure if the history..they worked together on a project, separate companies and they became friends etc. Is it bad to think that in a way I hope this has been physical because this emotional connection they have is very strong even more so if they haven't been physical

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 15:03

Yes agreed @Artandlove the other thing of course is that he knows he's being watched and when he's at home he doesn't touch his phone, all I think is he probably wants to contact her and can't

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/04/2020 15:06

I understand getting rid of the number and Twitter would be a start for you.... but he may only feel inclined to do that, if your marriage has a realistic chance of getting better.

Right now, there's no evidence to support that.

He wants to keep some line of communication open to her. I very much doubt that any lack of communication between them now, has not been discussed. She will know other ways to reach him, she will know where he works and could have gone there to find him before the lockdown, if he suddenly cut contact.

He could have told her you're pregnant and she may have dumped him.

You just don't have all the pieces of the puzzle and that's why you don't know if you're coming or going.

Could you think of questions you want the answers to and write them down. Tell him you really would like the truth from him...you could both sit in the car for privacy...leave your DS with your mum and have a proper talk, but keep calm, as the baby will detect your stress.

I know you're probably scared of the answers...but knowledge is power. When you're properly informed, you have the power to make the right decisions for you.

Trichford · 30/04/2020 15:09

I don't believe for a second that she's hung around for him? Not for this long with never meeting up or lack of contact!
Just throwing it out there but it sounds like he may be infatuated with her and her not so much?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 15:14

@Trichford the messages I saw from her she said she said how hard it is because her feelings for him are so strong. I don't think it's been physical...yet

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 15:18

@SandyY2K yes I definitely can't do it in the house. You're so right I don't want out child to see any of this. We never argue infront of him..I think she probably realises he's at home a lot and won't message him first and considering that's how he got caught the first time maybe she doesn't text first now. I don't think she knows about pregnancy that's truely how I feel because I think if she did he would have absolutely zero reason to keep her contact details

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/04/2020 15:20

he knows he's being watched and when he's at home he doesn't touch his phone

But if he wants to be in touch with her, this will not stop him. I'm not buying that. Unless he really lacks in creativity, he would find a way if he wanted to.

He could easily buy a second phone to contact her and keep it at work.

Even now in lockdown, he could still get a second phone and have it delivered to work.

In other affairs the OW has bought the MM the second phone, in case his wife has such a tight grip on the money and he can't account for spending.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 15:23

@SandyY2K I think it's probably more the fact because if everything that's happened I question him every time he picks up his phone

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 30/04/2020 15:39

Don't you care more about the fact that he doesn't want to completely cut contact with her at all?! Whether he actually does so is a separate issue, the deciding factor in you wanting to stay with him or not is surely the fact you know full well he doesn't want to stop talking to her if it was his decision (which it should be)?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 15:41

@BackseatCookers yes of course i do I was just wondering if this not speaking at the moment was temporary because cutting contact absolutely and completely would break this cycle so he's keeping these doors open

OP posts:
Trichford · 30/04/2020 15:48

When are you going to confront him about it all? Twitter etc? I really think that nobody can give you the answers except him. It's completely down to you where you go from there.
Until you have asked all these questions to him (the only one that can answer) you will just keep going in circles

BackseatCookers · 30/04/2020 15:56

Cutting contact permanently would break the cycle but there's no way of cutting contact permanently with no way of him in future changing his mind - and he's shown time and time again that's what he'll do. And even if he didn't you'd spend the rest of your life with him worrying he will. It's just so past the point of being fixable my love x

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.