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Original poster

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
PaulFrank6 · 30/04/2020 11:24

If you don't want it looming then have a conversation with him. Be direct, own your own part in all of this and if he doesn't say much back, say you will give him some time but would appreciate an answer by whatever date you decide.

Sparkles333 · 30/04/2020 11:25

So I've finally read the whole thread 😁
I think you need to either get marriage councelling so that you can both address your issues with each other as believe it or not marriages do survive this kind of thing but you both have to want to, she needs to be totally out the picture otherwise you will never receive 100% from him... or just end it call his bluff if he's just not learning, yes you both have faults (we all do) but adding an extra person into the mix is never a good thing.
So give him his ultimatum either she goes or he goes. A marriage is for two people. By the way you didn't push him he chose to do this just like he could choose to end the marriage but didn't 🌻

neverknewsomany · 30/04/2020 11:26

You've kept quiet about everything you've found for nearly a month. I couldn't do it, I would of exploded by now and asked him to move out to give me a break and a think of what I really want. If a person was only with me because of the kids he would be gone within the day. Good luck with whatever the outcome is.

Sparkles333 · 30/04/2020 11:30

You need to be brave and strong right now so its a good thing you have your Parents there for support. Just tell him straight you won't tolerate another women within your marriage.
Stand your ground!

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 11:30

@Sparkles333 thanks sparkles, that's exactly how I feel. Even if they aren't speaking, that's not good enough is it, she has to be gone completely and if he was truely happy with me this is something he'd do

OP posts:
PaulFrank6 · 30/04/2020 11:34

@Cupcakesaregood did your controlling behaviour come before or after you first discovered he was having an emotional affair?

Sparkles333 · 30/04/2020 11:51

The problem is he will never know if he can be happy with you and make it work with you while he is still distracted by her.
She has to go!
Your marriage is definitely over while she's in the background, it may not happen today it might be months or years away but while she's in the picture its only a matter of time.
Just give him the ultimatum.
Yes you have your faults but he could walk away from you but he hasn't he chose to bring her into your marriage instead. Its just not acceptable.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 11:52

@Sparkles333 Thanks

OP posts:
Alfiemoon1 · 30/04/2020 11:53

Op nobody has denied the fact the number is linked to her it is as is the Twitter account and fixating on them isn’t changing anything nobody has denied this isn’t hard for you but you are tormenting yourself he has her number because he wants to she’s important to him he doesn’t want to let her go
I personally think you need to separate and co parent This is no way for any of you to live he’s told you he’s only with you for the kids you because of his behaviour give him a curfew monitor him when he’s on his phone you don’t trust him quite rightly but he is also doing nothing to regain your trust or show any remorse he doesn’t seem to be begging for your forgiveness offering to willingly cut contact in fear of losing you and you seem to be ok with that so long as you get to stay together so you can keep up appearances of being a happy family

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 11:59

I'm trying not to think too far ahead into the future, not because I'm avoiding it but because I want to get through the birth first.

@Alfiemoon1 sorry I didn't mean to come off short there are just so many things I'm trying to sort in my head and i come on here and people have been so nice to me but I u defat and too that it's frustrating for them hearing the same q. I was just wondering if ignoring her or not speaking to her but still having the means to speak to her is still his way of wanting her in his life. The level headed person in me says what a stupid question but the irrational person in me which is how I'm feeling right this second is on here asking it

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/04/2020 12:15

Cutting contact means in this context means, no contacting the other person...no stalking their social media or trying to gain an insight to what their doing on any platforms, including asking mutual friends about that person.

One thing I find a little at odds, is that he seems like a submissive character....you more dominant, yet you're clearly struggling to assert yourself with him, in spite of the controlling behaviour.

I think your control is a deep rooted issue and comes from a place of desperation and fear. There's no doubt the dday in 2017 made it worse, but perhaps something else needs exploring...

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 12:22

Yes @SandyY2K I do admit in our relationship I am the more dominant one and dd in 2017 was a shock because in a way I could have dealt with things better if it was just the odd text and didn't seem there was any interest. Not the case, he clearly has feelings for her.

Well he has cut contact because they aren't speaking but not speaking isn't enough surely that's what I'm trying to get at

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 12:29

Sorry @SandyY2K I probably should have worded it better, I just can't deal with people chastising me (not you) what I'm trying to say is this. Having the number and this twitter account isn't acceptable even if they are not speaking right now. It all has to go, I thought cutting contact meant get rid of everything

OP posts:
Sparkles333 · 30/04/2020 12:32

I don't think he doesn't love you i think you have both lost yourselves.
I do think it can be fixed if the right things are put in place on both sides.
The one thing that stands out for me is it that he doesn't seem to feel emotion like he is empty inside so maybe there are deeper issues there.
It seems that he doesn't think he will ever lose you like in his head its just not a risk and when someone is that comfortable they think they can do as they please, this is why he needs to know he can't have both of you and he needs to know that the risk of losing his family is very real.
The saying 'you don't know what you've got till its gone' is very true.

Trichford · 30/04/2020 12:59

@Sparkles333 I agree that he thinks he has the safety net.
Take that away and see how he reacts? Tell him he doesn't respect you and has taken steps to keep in contact with her. So for that reason you are done with him.
I would be keen to see his reaction, maybe knock him off a bit.
That will mean he will have to really think what he wants. You will get your answer.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 13:04

@Trichford @Sparkles333 thanks ladies. Yes I'm just trying to figure out how to approach it and instead I've gotten myself upset about this cut contact thing. For me, for our marriage - she can't be in the background. Whilst the twitter account is there number etc, whether they are speaking right now or not, whilst it is still there that more than likely means the intent to speak in the future is there..does that make sense? (That wasn't supposed to sound patronising, this is just what I plan on saying)

OP posts:
NoMoreDickheads · 30/04/2020 13:09

I've become painfully aware that I have pushed him into things

Please don't blame yourself for how he's acting at all. You haven't pushed him into anything, he chose to do it all, he didn't have to.

crispysausagerolls · 30/04/2020 13:18

But if he changes his number it doesn’t matter. He will just text her at some point and she will get the new one. If he was going to cut contact already he would have!

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 13:18

Thank you @NoMoreDickheads but I do know in my heart of hearts that I really pushed for dc2. Yes he agreed but I don't think it was for the right reasons because let's face it if he were happy, he wouldn't have opened a twitter account purely to follow her

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 13:21

@crispysausagerolls agreed. Sorry this whole different meaning of cut contact has thrown me through a loop..up until today I did think it meant block and delete number get rid gone bye etc and then I watched this YouTube video where someone commented and said cut contact means ignore..I don't mean to focus on it. But you're right he's had every opportunity to get rid and I have come to terms with he's just waiting for the right time to contact her which is why he's kept the means to do so

OP posts:
Sparkles333 · 30/04/2020 13:28

What you need to ask yourself is, do you still want to be married to him?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 13:48

@Sparkles333 honestly? Right this second I don't know because he has kept every door open

OP posts:
nexttimestop · 30/04/2020 13:54

How long until the baby is due?

SortingItOut · 30/04/2020 14:19

@Cupcakesaregood
Someone asked up thread if he could message the OW while at work and you said he didnt have a work phone but what is stopping him messaging from his phone on WhatsApp or Messenger or Instagram as these messages dont show up on a phone bill.
He could easily message and delete as he goes

Artandlove · 30/04/2020 14:19

Sorry for the delay @Cupcakesaregood so I think it’s perfectly within reason to get him to change his number but you couldn’t expect him to come off of WhatsApp, Facebook, etc - twitter yes if his sole purpose on it is to follow the other woman. Cut contact meaning he is not to contact her again by any means and for her not to contact him again and if she does he is to ignore her. Yes go as far to block her on things if it is likely she will contact him. See her in out and about - keep walking - no reason to communicate with her, he is with you and shouldn’t be bringing a third person in to the relationship (even the most placid of people couldn’t be happy with this).
Again though, if he hasn’t communicated with her in two and a half months (which I don’t believe since the twitter episode), I find it strange she hasn’t contacted him.

I agree with @Sparkles333, we have the same take on it, this is what I’ve been saying from the beginning and still feel the same way.

If he didn’t have love or care for you somewhere in him he would have left. I know you said you are unsure, however I think deep down you love him too or wouldn’t be riding this out. He and you are both putting up with the miserable situation you are both in for another reason which isn’t the kids. He is an intelligent man (known by his profession) who knows it wouldn’t be possible for you to keep the kids from him - he’d just go legal.

You are not wrong, controlling etc for expecting him to cut the ow out the relationship to have a hope of fixing this. If he can’t then as hard as it is, you should finish with him because it will go on like this and you’ll make yourself extremely ill.

That’s good your Mum is there. Mums always have a way of knowing when something is going on with their daughters. Intuition.

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