OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Take some time out OP to get your head straight and write your list of options down (I like lists too), work through what needs to be put in place for each option to work.

I would also let your midwife know what's going on...they won't judge at all but should be able to get you some emotional support in place and will be discreet. It's hard enough being pregnant during a sodding lockdown (35 weeks myself over here) without a H who's not committed and being a bit of a coward if I'm honest.

In respect to the things you can work on, you don't need that spelling out anymore but certainly don't think you're the first woman who's thought having a baby would make everything better...by the sounds of it, you've been scared of losing your H, the life you've created together and the future you envisioned...a lot of people have done far worse. The main thing is you now know what role you've had to play and won't be making the same mistakes. Just try to make the best decisions possible going forward rather than basing them on what you just want. H needs to be included in the discussions and he needs to feel comfortable to be honest - as let's be frank, everything that's come out of his mouth has been half-truths, weak promises and in some respects lies.

@Cupcakesaregood

I feel like you are using counselling and delaying discussing twitter again, waiting until baby is here etc all as stalling tactics so you don’t have to face the reality. Which i understand, I do. But this is no life for you.

@Meadows20 thank you, a lot to think about

@Crispysausagerolls the twitter thing has upset me, maybe more than I am letting on just because I am realising as someone perfectly put it that getting rid of her would be a simple gesture as it is just a button and not only has he not done it, but gone to the bother of creating a page to follow her. I get what you're saying though. The thing is, it's not just us in lockdown - I've been hesitant about telling people because I know how many must miss their families but it's myself, H and DS1 and also my parents so I'm trying to keep up appearances right now

A lengthy conversation with him where he needs to do most of the talking and explaining, be honest with you about everything you ask and for you to explain to him what HIS behaviour is doing to your peace of mind. If he want to stay together then his actions have to be in line with that.

After those conversations (you getting the information you need), I would really like to hear that you’ve stood up to him op and give him a few home truths about his poor morals, behaviour and his personality traits that are undesirable. He does know what he’s done the last few years is wrong, he got himself in to this mess and he can get himself out of it to keep his marriage/family by telling the ow that he won’t be speaking to her or contacting her again and she can respect this and is not to contact him again. His actions need to align with what he is saying.

Hi @Artandlove hope you're well - yes I agree. Do you think asking him to change his number is too much to ask at this point? Because the thought of him leaving the number there and just not using it..that is still leaving a door open in my mind?

If he says or shows (after your long and hopefully informative conversation) he doesn’t want to cut off this ow then it is over because you can’t make that work without making yourself ill in the process. 💐

@Cupcakesaregood if it were me, yes, I would ask for the number to be changed. And no I don’t think it’s too much given the circumstances.

@Artandlove you're right and obviously I'm scared but I've been writing down things that I do want if we are to make this work. Please tell me if you think it sounds ridiculous or if my way of thinking is way off..

I basically don't want to live my life checking his WhatsApp/phone and now twitter? So I want it all gone. Number, Twitter account etc because anything less than that, she is still there regardless of whether they are talking or not, she is still there because there are still doors open

I know it needs to be him that makes these steps and not me forcing him

If he wanted to work on your marriage he would show remorse he would offer to cut contact including changing his number if that’s what it took to regain your trust. He has done none of that. He doesn’t want to cut her out of his life and has told you he is only staying with you for the kids

He can still be a great dad if you split up you deserve someone who wants to be with you who loves you not someone who feels bullied in to staying or is doing so under obligation for his kids

I have said it numerous times you need to discuss with him his true feelings for her and for you

All this analysing why he kept the number why hasn’t he spoke to her since you got pregnant is pointless. He kept the number he got the Twitter account because he wanted to still be in contact with her simply as that if he loves her not you then your marriage is over and only he can tell you that

Hi @Alfiemoon1 - sorry at the moment I'm just confused as to what cutting contact means because it seems to mean different things to different people..(can you tell I've been watching YouTube vids on this)

To me, cut contact would include blocking and deleting and yes maybe as far as a new number but at the very least, the first two things. I'm just worried 'cut contact' means to just ignore because to me, that's not enough?

It's been hard to have any sort of discussion at the moment BUT things can't go on especially now I know about this twitter account

I do understand op but if he wanted to work on your marriage he would be cutting all contact and he would be offering to do that himself including changing his number but he isn’t. He is deleting her number to passify to turn finding other ways to contact her he isn’t doing it because he is remorseful he is doing it to keep the peace deleting and blocking her in front of you doesn’t really mean anything he can unblock at the touch of a button

If he has feelings for her doesn’t love you no amount of videos etc are going to help you can’t save your marriage on your own and he has to want to try he has to want to be with you not just for the sake of the kids which it appears he is no matter how difficult it is you need to have a frank conversation with him about this to find out where you stand you are going to make yourself ill at this rate

@Alfiemoon1 I know I'm not really feeling like myself. Yes I get what you're saying and agree 100% what I was trying to say which maybe didn't come across that clearly was what cutting contact actually entails

OP you are flogging a dead horse. Your never going to trust him even if he did some dramatic gesture like delete his twitter account and change his number. When is your baby due? Now is the time to ask him to leave for some space. You have support for you and your son from your parents. You can't keep dragging this out, your mental health will take a nose dive otherwise.

To me it means exactly what it says blocked number on phone WhatsApp messenger email all social media everything and he should offer to change his number if that would help you get over this although if he uses that number for work that may be difficult

@neverknewsomany yes I see what you're saying but please don't comment on my mental health, it is taking a nosedive and I know that. All I was asking what what cutting contact means because it seems to mean different things that was all

If you know your mental health is suffering then you need to act now. Cutting contact means blocking on all social media, blocking phones numbers and email addresses and changing his phone number.

Are your parents with you temporarily for the lockdown or on a permanent basis? Are they living with you or you living with them? Perhaps this dynamic is having a bearing on the situation? It must be difficult to keep a cheery face on for them in these circumstances.

@Neepers for lockdown, with H going to work and we have a toddler we felt we needed the extra help..I don't know I think maybe my mum knows hence why she was so keen to stay but you're right as grateful as I am for the help it is hard

@Cupcakesaregood

You constantly talk about the phone number, the twitter account and the things you want him to do for this marriage to work. What about the things you need to change for the marriage to work?

I think you both need to separate for a period of time so you can properly evaluate the parts you have both played in the demise of this marriage.

@PaulFrank6 as I have previously said the number is the link to her so yes I have spoken about it and now it's a twitter account which is a new link to her speaking or not. I know what I need to change and focus on

You say you have a list of things that you want/need from him.

Do you have a list of things he will want/need from you? If so, what are they? (if you don't mind me asking).

My controlling behaviour @PaulFrank6 mainly but that I'm not going to go into detail. Ice become painfully aware that I have pushed him into things and I openly admit I know what I was doing wanting dc2

What is your plan of action? To stay quiet until after the baby is born? When is your baby due? Wouldn't you want your parents around for the extra support when baby number 2 arrives and not have this other woman thing looming over what should be a happy time?

@neverknewsomany I don't want it looming over at all, the twitter thing has thrown me through a total loop and thats why I was just trying to clarify exactly what cutting contact means. I want her gone, no number no twitter account because otherwise how can he be happy with me or invested in our marriage? But I can't force him to get rid of her that decision needs to be his