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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 22:12

@Artandlove Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 22:12

@NoMoreDickheads agreed..she's still in the background

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ScottishStottie · 29/04/2020 22:43

Issue is you cant make him WANT to give her up. You can read 1 million things telling you that contact must be cut, but you cant make him cut that contact. It has to be from him and hes shown you multiple times he doesnt want to.

SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 23:23

But say it hasn't been physical, surely that just means their connection is strong?

I would say so...

Strong connections can be developed without it being physical....but I do wonder what the point of it all is for the single OW.

One thing I haven't got from your posts, is your H having any regret or remorse for the affair, eitherin 2017 or now.

Nothing like..."Please don't leave me"...."She doesn't mean anything to me"..."I love you"

Again, I can only go on what you say...but it's like he's numb in relation to his feelings towards you.

His personality is not attractive tbh...in terms of his decision making...he seems unable to stand up for himself and do the right thing.

When I hear the other side...my words to the OW are, MM is exactly where he wants to be ... he isn't leaving his wife ... if he was so unhappy he would have left ...He's stringing you along

Of course their response is. He loves his kids His wife says he won't be able to see the kids... She can't cope without me and a multitude of other excuses.

It must be like living in limboland.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 23:35

Hi @SandyY2K I don't know. The messages I saw from her back to him, she admitted she had feelings for him but she kept saying no to meeting up with h and not because she didn't have feelings but because he is married etc etc etc. As my friend says, if he was remorseful he would be throwing everything into making this work, the number wouldn't be in his phone and he definitely wouldn't have made a twitter account..

I think he's pining for her

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TheStuffedPenguin · 29/04/2020 23:49

HOURS more of the same stuff - nothing has changed Shock OP why are you torturing yourself with the same stuff over and over and over again ? It doesn't matter what you say or think or what any of us say either .

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 23:54

Actually @TheStuffedPenguin it does. I'm beyond appreciative of people who have been kind and honest on their posts but now I'm sticking up for myself with people that write things like yourself. I came on here to tell people about the twitter development so that's new. If you don't have anything constructive to say, then you can leave

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TheStuffedPenguin · 29/04/2020 23:59

It's old news-- you are delighting in PM ing the people who are telling you what you want to hear . I don't know what you want to hear . Maybe use that last line of your post on your straying husband . That would be a good start .

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 00:04

Actually @TheStuffedPenguin I have been pming people and thanking them for their kindness that they have shown to me and those who have been brave and strong enough to share their own stories to help me. I suggest you go and troll somewherelse Do you think it's easy hearing what people have said but I have valued their honesty. What I won't tolerate is unkindness and being rude. I'm sure there are other places you can do that, you shouldn't do it to someone who genuinely needs help. Do you think I want to be in this position? Go away

OP posts:
Devlesko · 30/04/2020 00:12

"There's a hole in my bucket, dear Liza"

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 00:14

There have been some really lovely, helpful genuine people on here who have been so kind. It's a shame it just takes a couple of idiots to make someone feel even worse than they already do. I hope you enjoy being unkind. Maybe next time you troll someone's page, have a think. Idiots.

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Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 00:14

@Devlesko hilarious

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TheStuffedPenguin · 30/04/2020 00:24

@Cupcakesaregood I have just scrolled back through all of these pages and I see that you have flounced off this post several times in the past few weeks and you have laid into other people for not saying what you want . I posted three times on this thread before you told me to leave if I don't have anything constructive to say Hmm. I am not a troll and never have been and will not go away because you say so . Use your feistiness on your errant H . Do you want to be in this position ? Sadly it is you who is prolonging it. Good luck to you !

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 00:34

@TheStuffedPenguin flounced off? No not quite - I have had to hear from people that I'm a psycho bitch, controlling, (quoted) and I've had to face up to quite a few facts about myself. You have called this thread pathetic. Well guess what, this 'pathetic' thread has helped me thanks to the genuinely nice people who have told me even what I haven't wanted to hear, but they have been kind in their deliverance. Unlike you. What is it you want to contribute? That my husband is inlove with another woman? That he's kept her number because he doesn't want to let go? That he's only in my marriage for the children's sake? Because these are the realities I'm dealing with. You obviously have something to say? But you should remember people come on here to help others which a lot of people on this thread have done but it's real life situations with real people involved and I'm obviously hurting. You should learn to be nice.

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altiara · 30/04/2020 00:35

The way it comes across to me having read the full thread is your DH hates confrontation and risk so much, he is staying with you rather than breaking up and following his feelings.
The 2nd baby decision - sounds like neither of you were in a good place, but again less risk and confrontation for him to have a 2nd baby with one woman rather than 2.

Sounds like you both need counselling to help you decide what it is you want or is best for you.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 00:39

Hi @altiara yes counselling is an option I'm thinking about. What is in my head atm is having this baby first and then seeing how things are, just trying to take things a little at a time. Appreciate you reading the whole thread

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SandyY2K · 30/04/2020 01:11

As my friend says, if he was remorseful he would be throwing everything into making this work

So even back in 2017, did you see any remorse from him?

He comes across as a Beta male type within your marriage...but perhaps she makes him feel like an Alpha male in their affair/relationship and that is a massive ego boost to him.

I don't know how much time you'll have for therapy when the baby arrives.

Look after your mental health, because this whole thing will take it's toll on you.

NoMoreDickheads · 30/04/2020 01:15

@Cupcakesaregood I think if you're going to split with him, it'd be better to do so before you have the baby, that way you're settled for when they come and don't have to have upheaval when you have a new LO to deal with.

There should be time after the lockdown and before you have the baby to throw him out or however you want to organize it.

If I were you, I couldn't get past the Twitter thing, The bloke's obsessed.

MsDogLady · 30/04/2020 01:24

He’s an essential worker. Can’t he just contact her on different devices while he’s at work?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 01:26

@NoMoreDickheads I have been looking at my options, I get where you're coming from. As for the twitter thing, well - you've seen how long it's made me come to the realisation about his reasons for keeping her number when it would be easier to get rid, so I'm sure you know how i feel about the twitter account! I'm trying not to ask myself (and you guys) too many qs about it because let's face it, it's staring me in the face..I know things like social media shouldn't be important. He never followed me on Instagram (which is private which just shows he had no interest in seeing what I was posting) although I will be honest, what I have been posting isn't real, because if you were to look, it looks like we have the perfect marriage. So yes he never followed me, my own H, yet he has created a twitter account purely to follow one person, the ow

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Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 01:28

@MsDogLady he doesn't have a work mobile at the moment because of some sort of network crossover so they took work mins away for time being and he wouldn't risk it with his work email..thank you though I completely see where you're coming from but I think it's more when he does speak to her he knows he will have to tell her about dc2 which means risking losing her which clearly he doesn't want to do

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Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 01:30

@SandyY2K thank you, I'm trying to keep as sane as poss, you've helped so thanks. All I saw was him block her which I now know counted for nothing

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LouLouLoo · 30/04/2020 01:35

What makes you post things that aren’t real on social media? Is it to convince yourself or other that things are okay?

I don’t post anything at all about my marriage or children, but I don’t think any of my friends or family think I’m unhappy because I don’t post.

Is part of your fear in dealing with what’s going on because you’re worried about what others may think?

Sorry to ask if you’ve already covered this in other posts.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 01:40

Hi @LouLouLoo I think it's because our friends seem genuinely happy. Don't get me wrong, h was never exactly into social media, like not really active, but he still had an account and even followed some of my friends on it, but not me. I don't know I can't explain it, I guess trying to over compensate for the fact things haven't been good, maybe I wanted to show that things were fine even though they aren't? And then a few of my friends started getting pregnant with their second and of course I'd be lying if i wasn't jealous. Sad I know but it's the truth and you guys are all being so honest with me I'm trying to be honest with all of you. I guess that's what stung about twitter. Because he didn't want to follow his own wife, yet he took the time to create a brand new twitter account, set it up and follow the ow

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Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 30/04/2020 01:43

Sorry @LouLouLoo wasn't avoiding the question there, I think that yes it was to prove to others that everything's fine. Like any posts to do with live or marriage or babies I'd instantly like..I'd comment on us as much as possible..Yes definitely worried about what others would think

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