OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

@LouLouLoo I know, maybe I am in denial..not sure what I'm feeling right now tbh. I've watched YouTube video after YouTube video and every single one says the same thing. To reconcile, or to move forward in the relationship that you're in steps have to be made and these include not only cutting contact but making it near impossible for the other person to get back in contact. And these steps haven't been taken

I really think the best thing right now is to speak to him. Go for a walk (daily exercise 😉) and tell him how you feel. You obviously want this to work so try one last time and see what he says. Sometimes its a good idea to drop our guard and just lay it all on the table.

I don't think he's being straight with you at all. Call her like pp said, ask her what's going on? Tell her you are pregnant, if she does then want nothing to do with him then she will be out the picture anyway.
That still wouldn't make me stay though I couldn't live a lie like that.
That would completely smash your self esteem. She is definitely more important to him than you, sorry to be harsh but you really are just going round in circles! He can still be a good dad to the kids.
Please don't take offence to the harsh words, I have seen this play out many times and it's torture. It will begin to effect the kids, you only have one life, please get rid of him and make space to find someone that loves you.

@Sparkles333

Just ask him, tonight, why he has created a twitter account and why it was open on her profile.

Just ask that, calmly and in that way and see what he says. It’s interesting to know wtf his reply will be, caught off the hoof and with a simple question.

I have to say the advice to call the OW isn't the route I'd go.

I just personally feel that having to approach your husband's GF to get the truth is humiliating.

SandyY2K do you think maybe that was his way of ending things, by him not contacting her for that period of time?

Cupcakes.....there are some occasions that the MM has just disappeared from the OWs life....just ghosted her, but it's rare.

In those cases, he blocks her on phone, email and social media, so that she doesn't have a way of contacting him.

I can't understand how he would just not contact her for 2.5 months with no explanation.

This, this is what I thought about too. But then I realised and please tell me if you think I'm wrong - it's because he knows from previous discussion with OW that if he tells her I think (even though I don't know her) she will leave

Yes...he probably doesn't have the mouth to face her...but I'm sure she would have reached out to him.... unless he's blocked her, but like you said, maybe he's figuring out what to say to her.

You're missing a lot of information about their affair...I'm thinking 3 years and it's not physical.... I don't know.

@SandyY2K I have thought about the physical too. But say it hasn't been physical, surely that just means their connection is strong? And yes, I'm leaning towards not calling her to be honest

Sorry again @SandyY2K I have this really bad habit of accidentally pressing post! The other thing I meant to say was yes I think he's just figuring out what to say to her and it's not to end things is it? Because he would have just done that? I'm aware to a lot of people I'm asking things that probably have an obvious answer but it's only because I'm not in a very rational place atm

Are you avoiding speaking to her because you are scared of the truth and when she tells you then you really will have to face facts?
I get it but does it not cause you stress and anxiety even being in the house with him when you know he's only there because he's scared you will withhold the kids?
Do yous sit and chat in the evenings? Sorry I'm just not getting how your relationship is. Like do yous communicate and have a laugh etc?

For all you know OP this woman might not want to have anything to do with him and he keeps doing creepy things like setting up twitter accounts to follow her - that's the problem here, she is a total red herring.

Whatever she thinks / feels / knows / says, your husband doesn't want to cut her out of his life. He's had ample opportunities to done so and he's lied every time.

Maybe he would do it this time, if you forced his hand, but you would always know he wouldn't have done so without being forced and you also know it's unlikely he wouldn't go back on it again.

It's over my love, this level of obsessing and ruminating is going to make you ill and you need to focus on your children and what is best for them. It doesn't sound like your relationship is best for them.

Hi @Trichford I sent you a pm

Maybe don't mention that you know of the twitter.. let him feel comfortable with it as you might be able to log in and see what he is saying. At least that way you will know the truth.

5 years ago my dh had an EA with a colleague when I was pregnant with dc2. We weren’t in a great place, he hadn’t treated me we'll and as a result I’d emotionally closed off a lot. I don’t think he had any plans to actually be with her, I’m not sure if she even wanted that although from the few messages I saw they were both enjoying the drama of being ‘forbidden’ from being in touch. There then followed 2 years of lies, broken promises and unhappiness. Things eventually came to a head and he answered all the questions I had (he’d refused to discuss things beforehand) and we moved away back to our original home town. We’re ok now, we love each other, he’s had no contact with the ow for years and we have a baby dc3 but honestly, I should have ended it then rather than go through all that, things will never quite feel the same and I’m not sure I can ever trust him fully again. Don’t wait years and hope it’ll get better.

@Madratlady sent you a pm

I think you should be upfront with him about this Twitter stuff because you innocently came across it. Plus he’ll have to answer to what he was playing at and his why to it all. Also within that conversation I think you should ask him if he still loves you/what his feelings are for you.

It really doesn’t add up to me about him not being in contact with her for two and a half months (even more so now with the Twitter situation). I mean if he wasn’t in contact with her for that length of time because of this connection you’re speaking of would she not just reach out to him? Is she waiting about for him? Has she moved on but he still has feelings there? So many questions and unknowns. I’d have one more attempt at a conversation with him and if he doesn’t give you all the information upfront I’d go to her for it.

I strongly feel this torment he is causing you is disgusting and if he can’t cut her out then there is no hope of getting things back on track. Also I think you should call his bluff tell him you’ve had enough, end the relationship and ask him to be the one to leave the family home since it’s him that’s ruined everything you built together. A final attempt to shock him in to shape.

All this endless second guessing of him, it’s really quite mind boggling...

Why the relentless hyper focus on him and what he has and hasn’t done to stay in contact with OW? Does it really matter which social media / phone / smoke signals etc he is using to stay in contact, follow, observe from afar.. Whatever it is, he’s doing it. That’s literally it. Analysing the ins and outs of that is just delaying decision making on your part OP (which you’ve already been doing on and off for years by the sounds of it).

It certainly feels like the truly important questions in this whole saga are never being addressed properly by the OP:

• What is best for the children who are caught up in this mess?

• Why are you setting your bar SO low? By staying with a man who has been cheating on you for years, has zero respect for you and is clearly in love with someone else you’re teaching your children That this is how normal relationships are.

• Where is your self-respect?

Hi @Artandlove I think him creating this twitter account was his way of slowly establishing contact. I think if he wasn't going to get back in contact with her he would have got rid of her

@Madratlady
If you could go back now would you have made the same decision to stay with him?

Hi, yes I see what you mean @Cupcakesaregood but I really don’t believe he stopped contact with her because to delete the number and start up another way of getting in contact 3 days after your conversation. If he wasn’t still in contact I don’t think the Twitter part would have happened next and not so soon/at all after your conversation.

See what @Madratlady says because she sounds like she’s lived it, got through it and came out the other end.

Honestly if I could tell myself 5 years ago what to do, I’d say leave. And that’s from years down the line pretty happy in my marriage now. Being repeatedly put second, third behind his own wants and her, and repeatedly lied to over a couple of years definitely took its toll.

That said, there was never any doubt that we loved each other and had completely lost our way as a couple, communication was non existent and what he really wanted was for us to be close and as that wasn’t the case he had this escapism or whatever.

So don't read it then @jellybeans44 and i hope you're never in pain enough to ask strangers who by the way have been kind and honest in their feedback and have helped me through this. I'm sorry that it's infuriating for you, how do you think I feel? Go away

I was just writing the same thing there op, just ignore comments like that - not helpful at all with no empathy for what somebody else is going through.

@Madratlady This many years on are you glad you stayed and worked through it?

Maybe I'm cynical but IMHO it seems a bit like a couple having an affair (emotional or otherwise) who've had to stop contacting each other one way, so they set up another way of doing it.

I find it hard to believe she isn't involved at all.

But maybe that's just me. Either way, he's clearly very committed to staying in at least potential touch with her, to the extent he's willing to risk your marriage over it.

I don't think if it was me I could just bring it up casually because it's not casual. It's ridiculous.