OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

My love there are 14 pages basically telling you what you already know. I'm from the camp there's more to it than you know.
If there isn't, well he needs serious help, and only you know that.
You can't go on like this though for your own peace of mind.

Your options are shut up and put up, coming to accept who he is.
Or, leaving him and being at peace with yourself and raising your kids to be decent human beings, who don't treat women like this.

No, he isn't a wonderful father, they don't do this to their children's mother.
Well, you have decided to put up, so you can't expect him to stop now.
Is his the life you want for children? Why isn't your bar higher?

They won't lose their father at all. He sounds a very hands on Dad so that won't change...if you manage this right, your children are/will be so young they'll know no different. If you hold out until their older, that may have more of an impact on them. For me it feels like you're just stringing out the inevitable but I also appreciate your pregnant and this is a shit situation to be in right now.

And from experience...no feelings can't be buried if it's more than an infatuation which from what you've said, it sounds like it is more. This does not put me in a good light but I left my ex for my current partner because I couldn't bury my feelings for him and vice versa. It wasn't nice or pretty, and I should have handled it better but I knew I couldn't bury how I felt. Luckily there were no children involved which did make it simpler than your own situation but ultimately, I couldn't stay with someone who I didn't have that level of connection with like I do with my OH.

Cupcakesaregood Sat 11-Apr-20 18:02:07
@ crispysausagerolls you're right I wouldn't accept that either. I just can't face speaking to him right this second I'm just trying to think of why he hasn't got rid, especially now. He hates confrontation, so getting rid of her would do him a favour, he'd never need to tell her I'm pregnant. He could just block delete and be done with it and he hasn't done that.

Cupcakesaregood Wed 29-Apr-20 16:05:21
Hi @ Devlesko know I have been thinking about contacting her. The thing is I just can't understand now why he has gone to the effort of creating a page just to follow her. He is the type that hates confrontation, as previously said it would make his life (yes and mine) so much easier to get rid of her then he wouldn't have to tell her anything but instead he's done this

And rinse and repeat.

OP, this is going to be harsh - you are not even the second option or back burner for your errant husband. The children are his number one, she is his number two.

Cut your losses and live your best life.

Wow thank you for sharing that @Meadows20 I know I have a lot to think about. The thing is, I do believe that he hasn't spoken to her since we found out. I've checked phonebill and I've also watched on WhatsApp which I know is no way to live but I'm just being honest. However as pointed about by most people, that's only a temporary thing. I just need to figure out my next steps

He could be using a whole host of other methods to contact her but really it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter because regardless of whether he's actually been in contact or not, you know full well that he wants to be.

If i was in your shoes right now theres one thing i would definitely be doing in fact i would not be able to stop myself.. Ring her !!
You need to know the truth and he's never going to give it to you.
Play it cool though don't lose your temper, the nicer you are the more chance you have of reaching her sympathetic side and she is more likely to be honest with you. You may even find he's spun her more lies and when she realises she'll be mad and we all know when we're mad we spill it all out.
At least this way you will not have all these unanswered questions.
You can then make decisions based on fact.

They won't lose their father at all. He sounds a very hands on Dad so that won't change...if you manage this right, your children are/will be so young they'll know no different. If you hold out until their older, that may have more of an impact on them.

This. Do you look at families where parents have split up and think they are terrible parents for not being together?

Of course not, or hopefully not at least. Because you are perfectly capable of coparenting without remaining a couple.

In my opinion, it would be more selfish to stay together knowing you aren't happy together (and you aren't - you do know this deep down, he's always had a foot out of the door and still does hence the twitter account and you've become controlling and possessive) because you're going to become more and more resentful of each other, create a more and more toxic environment for your family and in the process teach them that this is what a relationship is meant to look like. It isn't.

You're scared of leaving and I get that, but you've already pushed for a second baby when you knew that wasn't his choice. I have no doubt he'll love the baby to bits but you've brought a young life into the world to try and fix an unfixable adult problem.

So it's time to accept that what's done is done, agree a plan for separating and coparenting and then you are both free to meet people in future (or be single - whatever you want) while not causing further trauma to each other or your kids.

Hi @Sparkles333 I am considering it but here's the thing, I don't think he has been lying to her about anything. He seems to really care for her, clearly

Does she know you are pregnant though?

@Sparkles333 no i don't think she does and that's why he hasn't spoken to her since we found out because he knows he has a huge chance of losing her if he tells her. I'm not sure if you've seen me say but h hates confrontation and that's why I've said in the past that it shows he has this connection to her because to get out of any sort of confrontation all he'd have to do is block her and he hasn't done that

I would want her to know about the pregnancy.
For a man that doesn't like confrontation he sure likes to provoke it.

@Sparkles333 I'm going to send you a dm two secs

....I'm not sure if you've seen me say but h hates confrontation and that's why I've said in the past that it shows he has this connection to her because to get out of any sort of confrontation all he'd have to do is block her and he hasn't done that

@ItsLateHumpty well it would wouldn't it? Pressing a button on your phone to get rid, deleting a twitter account on an iPad then he wouldn't need to deal with it? My point is he hasn't done this

To me, hating confrontation means not liking arguments.

He doesn't hate confrontation, he just doesn't like making decisions that means he can't have the best of both worlds.

I do hate confrontation. Which is why I don't do stuff that makes people upset to the point there needs to be a massive massive and dreaded 'big talks'.

This is so dysfunctional and I'm so sad that you don't seem able to step back and see the bigger picture, how incredibly unhealthy this is and how it's going to make you ill.

Hi @BackseatCookers he hates arguements. And I don't think he has been getting the best of both worlds. I am stepping back and seeing the bigger picture - I'm admitting he wants her in his life

*a massive argument

@BackseatCookers all I meant about the confrontation was that to AVOID any of that, with today's technology it's very simple. You can press a button and he hasn't - I'm admitting this

Oh I totally agree. Sorry I don't think I explained it well.

I meant it's rubbish that he claims to hate confrontation as an excuse for behaving badly in secret.

I meant that it's mean of him to do that to you, because if he really hated confrontation he wouldn't do the bad thing in the first place.

On your side on that one sorry if it came across another way

One of you needs to make a decision about ending it, as painful as that will be, because you're both going through more and more trauma the longer this goes on.

Don't apologise @BackseatCookers you've been very patient with me

he said himself he will bury his feelings for her.

One can try...but it doesn't always work. Some people are better at it than others.

What I will say is that feelings for another person can fade, but it happens quicker if you're in a happy relationship.

When you're not happy in a relationship, your mind wanders back to that person who brought you happiness.

It may also be that he doesn't contact her for a bit, but that won't change how he feels about her....in fact he might end up missing her even more.

What I do find strange though, is that if they are in a relationship of sorts...even an affair what will she be thinking of his lack of contact for so long.

I can't understand how he would just not contact her for 2.5 months with no explanation.

Even when the wife is watching his phone like a hawk...the MM will find a way to let the OW know what's going on.

Something there just doesn't make sense...unless they're not actually deep in an affair... but they maintain sporadic contact and him disappearing for a couple of months isn't an issue.

Usually with OWs, the MM lying low and cutting contact is usually done with advanced notice and because DW is suspicious.

In your case, he doesn't seem all that bothered at all if you find out....because he knows you won't decide to leave.

I think it's pretty careless that he made a profile on Twitter that you could find so easily.

Maybe he wants you to find it and leave the decision to you.

@SandyY2K do you think maybe that was his way of ending things, by him not contacting her for that period of time? Sorry if any of these qs are annoying I'm just trying to explore every ave.

But then I guess if he was ending things why make the twitter page and why still have her number

Maybe he has gone without speaking to her for that amount of time before..I'm not sure

@SandyY2K

I can't understand how he would just not contact her for 2.5 months with no explanation.

This, this is what I thought about too. But then I realised and please tell me if you think I'm wrong - it's because he knows from previous discussion with OW that if he tells her I think (even though I don't know her) she will leave and that's why he hasn't spoken to her because he is waiting for maybe the time being right or figuring out what to say

That's why I mentioned about the confrontation thing and sorry if our wires got crossed because to get out of any of that he'd have deleted her number and this twitter account. Instead he has probably kept her number and opened a twitter account

He may have been contacting her in other ways. It’s not his way of ending it, he doesn’t want to end it. Sorry but there’s no point being in denial about it.