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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 13:17

@Sparkles333 thank you sparkles, I shouldn't have snapped at pp and I am sorry for that. Do you think there is any chance he created this twitter out of guilt towards the ow? What I mean by that is that he feels bad for hurting her? Or do you think it is because he doesn't want to lose her - and thank you sparkles, your honesty has been so appreciated at this time

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SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 13:21

Yes @SandyY2K I think counselling would be a logical step. I honestly thought him not speaking to her was him starting to not care about her and then the twitter thing.

I think it's also worth noting that even if he was starting to not care about her, it doesn't mean he's starting to care about you.

There are some marriages in which neither party have an OW/OM on the side, they are not pining for someone else, but equally do not have any love, affection or feelings towards their spouse and are not happy with in the relationship, but they just plod along for years and years.

It's really no way to live IMO..

As humans beings we have a need for love and affection. If you don't get it within your relationship.... many people will seek it elsewhere. Or if they don't actively seek it, they're very likely to give in to temptation if the opportunity arises.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 13:22

Hi @SandyY2K yes I agree. Also realised how stupid the q of him caring about her or not was. He just took the time to create a twitter page just to follow her so I think there's my answer

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SandyY2K · 29/04/2020 13:23

Do you think there is any chance he created this twitter out of guilt towards the ow?

He created it as a means of communication with her.

Sparkles333 · 29/04/2020 13:29

Im sure no one will judge you for being a bit snappy, you are going through a really tough time right now and emotions run high.
He may have created it to just out of curiosity.
Have you asked him ?
(sorry i am still trying to catch up on this thread I'm only half way through it so I'm still missing bits of information)

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/04/2020 13:30

I can see that you are clinging onto any sliver of hope @Cupcakesaregood. In these situations we would like to have clear answers but that is not always possible . You really need to think about " do I want to spend the rest of my life like this knowing that he doesn't really want to be with me ? " and who knows sometimes in a situation like this the choice is taken out of your hand at some point in the future .

Sparkles333 · 29/04/2020 13:37

Do you have much support with family and friends ?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 13:40

@Sparkles333 am I being silly in thinking though if it were really done worth her and there were no feelings there, he pulsing need to be curious?

One of my friends know everything, noonelse does because we share pretty much the same friends

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Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 13:43

@Sparkles333 pulsing haha first laugh I've had in days. I meant there would be no need to for him to be curious

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Sparkles333 · 29/04/2020 13:57

Well no he definitely shouldn't be curious but people do stupid things.
Did he tell you his reasons ?
I'm glad you have told at least one friend as you have got to have someone to talk to when you are feeling the way you are right now.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 14:40

Thank you @Sparkles333 yes the friend that does know is very to the point which is what I need but I felt the need to come on here and get complete unbiased honest opinions and as hard as it's been to hear, it's so appreciated. The friend that knows has said the following things:

Bare bones of it is that if he was happy with me she would no longer exist in his life

He'd be doing everything he can to be happy with me ie get rid of her.

Instead what he has actually done is:

Keep her number (until I said to get rid of it, if I had said it would he have done? I don't know)

He has taken the time to create a twitter page, search for her and follow her only

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crispysausagerolls · 29/04/2020 15:08

Do you think there is any chance he created this twitter out of guilt towards the ow? What I mean by that is that he feels bad for hurting her?

I am so sorry to have to keep being a Debbie downer but no! 100000 x no!!! This is not about him
Being polite.

He loves her. You have repeatedly asked him to choose - he is choosing her. He just doesn’t want to make that obvious to you as he wants to be around for his children. That’s it! Marriage is a sham.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 15:16

Hi @crispysausagerolls it's ok you aren't being a Debbie downer at all. Thank you for being so honest. I'm just trying to explore every option I guess part from the one staring me in the face. Like I said before, I know plenty of couples who have gone through a rough patch and neither kept a number of the ow for almost three years nor created a twitter account. I guess part of me was wondering if he just wants her there but maybe never to speak to

OP posts:
Sparkles333 · 29/04/2020 15:20

Has he said he loves her ?
Has he been meeting her ?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 15:23

@Sparkles333 in the messages I saw he was pushing to meet up with her. It was actually her that was saying that it maybe wasn't a good idea despite her feelings

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Trichford · 29/04/2020 15:48

You need to call her and find out exactly what he's told her all this time and tell her the truth of what's going on your end.
Tell her you are pregnant. As for him you need to ask him straight up how he feels about her.
Is he just hanging around until the kids are a bit older then leave? I think you hung it over him that he wouldn't see his kids and he is scared.
You have ultimately bullied him into staying with you. Why live like that? You and the kids deserve so much better and will find happiness again.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 15:53

Hi @Trichford - I won't bore you with the details but I've spoken in length with pp (thanks everyone) and I've come to the realisation that he has had the opportunity to get rid of her and he hasn't. He could have taken his phone at anytime and deleted her information/blocked her. Instead he has kept her around and ok, maybe he hasn't spoken to her recently but that's only because he hasn't told her that I am pregnant and the moment he tells her, he knows the chances of losing her are high

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Devlesko · 29/04/2020 15:59

Then you need to tell her then, and ffs get him out of your life.
I know this is hard but he doesn't love you, or he wouldn't have done this.
You can't trust him, he's a cheat with a mistress, whatever you may call it.
Maybe you can carry on like this, some women turn a blind eye, in which case you'll need to toughen up.
Otherwise, what positive does he bring to your life?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 16:05

Hi @Devlesko I know I have been thinking about contacting her. The thing is I just can't understand now why he has gone to the effort of creating a page just to follow her. He is the type that hates confrontation, as previously said it would make his life (yes and mine) so much easier to get rid of her then he wouldn't have to tell her anything but instead he's done this

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neverknewsomany · 29/04/2020 16:17

What are your plans now? Stay with him and try and make it work or separate?

Meadows20 · 29/04/2020 16:30

Just because he hates confrontation doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings for OW...they're clearly feelings he can't bury as he is still thinking about her by setting up the Twitter account.

Please tell me if I'm wrong, but your thinking right now is, from appearances you have a nice life together, two wonderful children, nice house and lifestyle so why would he risk all that and the upset - which answers your question...by being in contact with her up until you had your 2nd child and still looking her up, he clearly is willing to risk everything and his feelings are stronger than his inability to handle confrontation.

You have a choice, you both carry on as you are in a pretend marriage and both stay miserable or you both bite the bullet, go to counselling and decide whether this is all worth it.

In all honesty, what are you scared of if you broke up? Do you love him or do you love the family life you've created together?

Meadows20 · 29/04/2020 16:31

Sorry I meant to say fell pregnant with your 2nd

LouLouLoo · 29/04/2020 16:33

He's created a page just to follow her because he wants her in his life. He hasn't told her because he's scared that it may mean he'll lose her which he is desperate not to do. I know you are desperately looking for other explanations but there isn't any.

He is not willing to give her up. Your only decision is whether to put up with it or not.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 16:40

Hi @Meadows20 I'm scared of losing him but I'm more scared of my children losing their father. I know wanting a second wasn't both of our choice. For the time being we need to stay together for our children's sake. Once dc2 is born then maybe see where we are at. I can't say anything bad about him being a father because he is a wonderful dad

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Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 29/04/2020 16:41

And it's funny you used the term bury feelings @Meadows20 because he said himself he will bury his feelings for her. Can feelings be buried?

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