OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

SandyY2K you really think there's no hope despite the fact he did agree to number 2?

There might be hope, but only if you both have a plan if action and commit to it.

If he no longer loves you, then I have to be honest and say, No, I don't believe your marriage has a chance.

When I say that, I'm not saying he's definitely going to leave...he may stay and continue to love his OW....and move further away from you emotionally.

If he eventually does decide to leave in years to come, it will be easy for him, because he would have emotionally detached from you ages ago.

Can I ask you a question? I'm sure I've asked before but you didn't answer.

Do you love him? Or do you just want to not be divorced?

If you love him, what do you love about him?

Because, I don't sense you having love for him in any of your posts. Maybe he feels that too.

You were together 7 years before marriage....maybe it a case of you were both expected to get married.

@SandyY2K this action plan obviously must include cutting all contact with her? As in completely get rid, no trace?

@SandyY2K and the reason I haven't answered that question is because at this point in time I really don't know what I'm feeling

I respectfully disagree with @SandyY2K - I can’t see how there is hope when he has followed his conversation with you by finding her on Twitter!

What a sad situation.. some people are just want their cake and eat it.
You only have 2 options here:
End the relationship and stop the emotional torment he's putting you through as the damage will be with you for years to come.

Or if you aren't strong enough to go through with a split right now then all contact with her has to come to an end.
You're only problem is how will you know for sure ?

He’s only staying for the children. He’s not showing any respect or honesty towards you. He’s not even trying. How can it get better if one person isn’t trying?

this action plan obviously must include cutting all contact with her? As in completely get rid, no trace?

But my love he has claimed to do that three times now and each time you've caught him out as he's kept talking to her, kept the number and now the twitter thing.

You need to accept that if you stay together you won't ever be able to be sure he isn't talking to her / keeping tabs on her. And even if you could be sure of that, it's clear he would be pining after her and wouldn't be cutting her off willingly. Not really. He'd be doing it because his hand was forced.

I have an ex who would definitely have married me if I'd given him the ultimatum of marriage or breaking up (after four years together) but following a period of deep and painful reflection I broke up with him rather than giving the ultimatum. Because i would have known he was only there on that wedding day because he didn't quite want to lose me but also didn't want to marry me and was doing it with a sword hanging over him.

OP either you stay in an unhealthy relationship with no trust, knowing he didn't want to give her up... or you leave. There is no magical third option in this case - there's not a true happy ending.

this action plan obviously must include cutting all contact with her? As in completely get rid, no trace?
Absolutely 100%....but it needs a lot more than cutting her out of the picture.
However, with her in the picture....there's no hope.

and the reason I haven't answered that question is because at this point in time I really don't know what I'm feeling

That's fine.... I understand this. I can't see myself loving a man who told his OW he didn't love me.

Love is a key part in successful reconciliation in a marriage. If there's no love between the two...what's the point. How can it really be a happy marriage.

"The kids" isn't always enough.

@crispysausagerolls
I hear you. I really do.

Cupcakes
I don't think your discussions included feelings for each other or his for the OW. If the focus was just...staying together for the kids...that can be achieved ...but it's not the same as being happily married.

It very much depends on what your goal is Cupcakes.

Have you considered having individual counselling?
You can do telephone or video counselling during lockdown.

You could call his bluff and end the relationship.
It seems he is counting on you always wanting to be with him so give him a shock and walk away.
Let him see what life is like without you.
Chances are he'll have a massive realisation as to what he's lost. The attraction to this other women is based only on what he's built up in his head, the reality of life with her will be very different.
Obviously if you do this you do run the risk of him not coming back but if he doesn't then do you really want him, if he does come back and realises he loves you then maybe you have a chance.
One things for sure if you choose to make a go of it you need to get to the bottom of why he's got a wandering eye. Maybe you'll need relationship counselling.

Hi @Sparkles333 agree with everything you're saying. I'm starting to think that surely me carrying his baby should be enough to realise that he wants to stay was the wrong way to think about things because clearly it doesn't matter whether I'm having his baby or not - SHE seems to be on the backburner

Yes @SandyY2K I think counselling would be a logical step. I honestly thought him not speaking to her was him starting to not care about her and then the twitter thing. People on here were right, it's clear that he just doesn't know what to say to her incase he hurts her. Which shows he has an emotional connection

@Cupcakesaregood
Ive tried to read as much as i can on this thread to catch up and get the full picture but theres a lot so it will be quicker for me to just ask you.
Have you tried calling this women ?
Does she know you exist and that you have children?

I went through this and I wish I left.
My husband was having an emotional affair when I was pregnant with my second which developed into a physical affair.

I stayed with him as I was in denial and that he would change and I did everything to make it work and try and make him love me.

Fast forward and I got pregnant again. He started a long term affair and when this baby was two I found out. The signs were there I just ignored them. Made excuses why I could not see anything on Facebook etc

He always had a good reason and I wanted to believe him so chose to subconsciously ignore it!

When I found out I realised I had had enough and ended it. It was bloody hard but I moved on and met someone else. I am like a different person. There is no way on this earth I would put up with that shit again.

It's hard but for your own sake you need to end it. He sounds like my ex, fill of promises to end but never does. Do you really want to live your life checking up on him.
I am now remarried and know every password to my husbands accounts. Not because I am controlling but he has nothing to hide. I don't even feel then need to look!

Good luck!

Hi @Sparkles333 when I made the first discovery in 2017 I messaged her telling her he was married and was about to become a dad. She had no idea

Hi @Rayn would you mind if I sent you a PM? Thank you for sharing your story and I'm happy you are happy now

It honestly sounds like he is only sticking around for the children. Could you be with a man knowing he is only around for the children and not you?

@neverknewsomany I agree. I thought that after DS1 the thought was there in my mind and when we got pregnant with dc2 I thought well maybe he does actually want to be here. Obviously not

Sorry if this comes across as blunt he has told her he doesn’t love you he has told you he is staying for the kids he has deleted her number before and has set up a fake Twitter account purely to follow her he has no intention of cutting her out of his life

I agree you would benefit from individual counselling and you need to discuss with him his feelings for her and you before you can work on your marriage he may be in love with her or she way be a distraction for him due to being unhappy in his marriage then you can decide if you have a marriage left to save

It looks like you've covered every angle.
I think id have to walk away from him as he is doing so much emotional damage to you.
This is not how a relationship should be, he will probably say your paranoid and all the other things cheater do to cover their tracks but that's just how they work. Once you have separated you will see this in a whole different way. You need good support network around you if you find the strength to leave. It must be do very hard for you right now with the lockdown.

I have just read your thread. I think your relationship sounds very toxic. That's not going to be a great environment to raise children long term. From your updates I would say you sound very controlling and I'm sorry to say you remind me of a programme I watched where a women was abusing her partner and father of their children. It sounds to me your relationship has run its course. He doesn't love you bit will stay for the sake of the children. He has her on a back burner as you say. If you are controlling then she is his fantasy and a way to switch off from every day life. I think you'd both be better to cut your losses now and move on. Remain amicable for the sake of the children. You both sound so unhappy and miserable. Why are you so desperate to stay with him? Because you love him or because you want the children to have both parents who live together? Or to keep up appearances? I don't agree that's the best way forward. Sadly I really don't see how your relationship will last. I would be looking else where too if my husband forced me into having another child and and put me on a curfew and watched me like a hawk. Just because your female and he's Male doesn't make it ok. I don't agree with what he's done or doing but it's obvious he's scared of loosing access to his child/unborn baby.

@Tiredmum100 please don't compare me to that. I'd never abuse my children. Yes I have been controlling in regards to my husband but I was scared I was going to lose him and I have admitted my faults. Get off this thread if you are going to make loose comments like that.

In regards to her being a fantasy - obviously it's abit more than that. I know plenty of married couples who are abit bored of everyday life etc. They don't keep a number in a phone after almost three years or start a twitter page and only follow the ow.

She wasn't abusing the children just the partner!

@Tiredmum100 sorry. My heads a mess and I'm clearly incapable of reading something properly. Apologies

You see this is where it is hard to see the true picture, some people will see you as controlling as did the lady above and some will see you as damaged as i do.
It will be a little bit of both but if he hadn't done what he's done to you and is still doing to you then you wouldnt be acting like this.. overthinking his every move, worrying, basically waiting for it to happen again. This is what happens once the trust is broken and unfortunately its a downward spiral. If you dont feel strong enough to leave then you must get relationship councelling.
He needs to take responsibility for the damage he has caused. I'm assuming you weren't like this before the female friend because if you weren't then this is all on his shoulders. If you were like it before then maybe it has contributed to the situation but still is no excuse for how he's behaved.