OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Okay...so you want to try and make it work for the kids. What are you both going to do to reconnect with each other on an emotional level?

How will you work on being a happy couple? Any thoughts about marriage counselling?

@SandyY2K well I feel like I've taken abit of a step back after seeing the twitter thing. I just don't get it, why do it?

Dow load doctor fone and download his phones back up. You can get WhatsApp and everything on there including contacts and notes. It’s not for playing detective but genuine phone failures once you’ve lost everything but Oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry to hear your chats haven’t brought much of any clarity on the your family situation - sound still as unresolved - him one foot in and one out. You should say to him about this twitter account you found ( sooner rather than later) and how she was the only contact and wait to see what he says about that. It really doesn’t sound good/long term staying together for the children. Appears (from an outside view) he just isn’t going to deal with it right now. I’d start getting yourself in to a position that if he does leave you will be okay, have a plan.

Hi @Artandlove hope you're well - yes agreed. I did think after the initial chat we were on ok enough terms to just carry on going forward. I know describing a marriage as 'ok' isn't great is it, but still I thought we made some progress.

What people have said on this thread about him keeping the number for a reason, I do believe he was/is going to start contact again and that's exactly why he still had it. I do believe that he hasn't spoken to her in the almost three months since we found out but not for me, purely because he doesn't know what to say to her.

In regards to twitter I was shocked - again there was no sign of any interaction I looked on her page also and there were no messages to him publicly either. But even the fact he took the time to create a twitter page, search for her and add her..

So sorry @Artandlove I've just sent you a do

after the initial chat we were on ok enough terms to just carry on going forward. I know describing a marriage as 'ok' isn't great is it, but still I thought we made some progress.

This is the problem. Nothing really changed...no talk of what you would do to come together as a couple.

If something is broken, it won't get fixed if you don't do anything. You need to bring it back on track or it will just deteriorate, especially with a third party involved.

Literally nothing changed...just saying you want to try for the kids...but not taking any action makes no sense.

@SandyY2K what do you expect me to do? I wasn't the one who made a brand new twitter page took the time to find the OW and add her

You will never ever trust him, he will always resent your controlling behaviour, look at your second child as the one he was persuaded to have and considering this and the fact that your marriage was doomed just one year in I think you need to cut each other free.
This is the right thing to do for you, him AND your children.

Hi @Saharafordessert yes we both discussed how he has felt trapped and I know I'm partly to blame in all this. We were together 7 years prior to being married so it wasn't like a one year marriage with no relationship prior

SandyY2K what do you expect me to do? I wasn't the one who made a brand new twitter page took the time to find the OW and add her

I know you didn't do that and one person can't heal a marriage....but... what I'm saying is, as a couple it doesn't seem like the issues were discussed in terms of how things would change (for the better) with the way you both interact with each other.

If your aim is simply an 'ok' marriage...then I don't see what his motivation would be to not contact her...or not to want to her number at hand on case he needs comfort from her....which he's not getting at home.

In terms of change ..for example....I mean things like
would you:

make time for date nights (after lockdown)

show each other more affection

stop being so controlling

raise issues early, instead of allowing them to build up then becoming resentful.

If there was a discussion to that effect....then it doesn't seem like he even gave it a chance...or perhaps he already had the Twitter account. Who knows.

One thing for sure...which most people said in several pages is that deleting her number..when his heart is still with her...is as pointless as a chocolate teapot. That was never the real issue.

I know you must be upset...sorry.

Sorry @SandyY2K I didn't mean to come across as short with you as I did.

We didn't really discuss much in terms of date nights etc, we were just focusing on the here and right now.

He created the twitter account three days after our chat (I looked in the settings you get the date it was opened).

Agree with you about the number and I also agree with wveryonelss that he had obviously kept it for a reason and I now admit I was being silly in thinking he'd keep a number in his phone which he had no intent on using. I have been watching him on WhatsApp I admit and he's barely on it, it seems like he only seems to respond to me but maybe that's because he knows he is being watched?

@SandyY2K sorry just reread about the comfort thing. Yes I do believe that's partly why he kept her number, yes I do believe that if he didn't care about her the number would be gone and I am in agreement with all the pps that have said he's kept it for a reason. I know he has now deleted it but he's now opened a twitter account. Is it naive to think that the only reason he has stopped speaking to her for the time being is because of the prior convos about him having another baby and he just doesn't know what to say? It's clear he doesn't want to lose her especially making a twitter account? And yes I do believe they haven't spoken since we found out, I know that sounds stupid but I do believe that

He said he didn't want to split up because of the children

Like PPs have already raised, this speaks volumes. At anytime did he say he wanted to make things work because of you or your actual relationship? Together and unhappy parents is very rarely the right thing for children to grow up with.

As sad and as wrong as it might be, he's pining for the OW - you can take a phone number away, doesn't change how he feels about her which is clear by him setting up a twitter account to snoop. Unless serious steps are made to rebuild your relationship, I doubt his feelings are going to change.

I think you need to consider marriage counselling and be brutally honest on what you both want from the relationship. I think you both may appreciate the impartiality of another person.

Hi @Meadows20 thanks for your honesty I do appreciate it I'm just trying to take it all in.

I said to him before we started trying for number 2 that our relationship might get worse before it gets better and yes maybe our second wasn't conceived in the best of circumstances. I had a chat with a friend of mind and she said that she knew another married couple where the h emotionally cheated (I saybemotional because I have zero proof it's been physical) and when his wife found out the H not only blocked and deleted the number but actually went to lengths ie sending the last message making it clear he wanted to work on things with his wife (why didn't he do this with me I ask myself, it's because he doesn't want to hurt her) and then not only ditched the number but actually changed it. I agree with what your saying. He is pining. And as other PPs have said it was a conscious decision to keep the number and now it seems it was a conscious decision to look her up on twitter.

I have to look to the future of this marriage. I know that a baby rarely fixes things and I'm starting to think things are going to get worse. I'm happy we are giving our son a sibling and this baby will have so much love but I did think the baby would maybe fix things.

In regards to him and her, I haven't asked what his feelings are (even though it's staring me in the face I'm trying to take a little step at a time). As I have said before, please don't ask why because I can't explain it but I do believe he hasn't been in contact with her since finding out we are pregnant. Which was almost 3 months ago. But it's not out of love or respect for me, it's because he's fearful of losing her

Bloody hell what were you thinking. You kept him with you through blackmail. You knew he wasn’t faithful and then had another baby anyway. Do you think if you keep having babies it’s going to keep him with you. BecAuse it’s not. I don’t know what advice you want clearly you don’t care about right or wrong . He’s going to cheat again if you’ve found out twice and he’s not stopped then he’s not going to. You need to talk to him about why. Clearly he’s not happy.

I have to look to the future of this marriage.

Do you sincerely believe your marriage has a future?

@SandyY2K you really think there's no hope despite the fact he did agree to number 2? And before anything is said yes he felt pressured and yes it was me that pushed for it but he did still agree

This is why counselling would be a good place to start. There are a lot questions to be asked but I can tell you're scared of what the answers might be. Which is completely understandable.

If they can be asked in a more impartial and mediated environment, you both might be able to have a truly honest conversation on what your next steps are going to be.

As lovely as babies are, they don't fix problems unfortunately - they just tend to give you less time to really deal with the actual problem and are a (very tiring) distraction...this is why so many marriages/relationships break down when the baby is no longer so dependent...all the problems from before rear up bigger and uglier than before. This is why it's important to try and address all of your issues now rather than just saying you'll get along for the sake of the kids...because kids don't stay little forever.

I hope you do figure out what does work for you both though. Life's too short to be this unhappy

OP - this twitter account has become the new ‘but why do you think he still has her number’? Just this evening you’ve said:

He went to the effort of making a fake twitter account just to add her?

I just don't get it, why do it?

But even the fact he took the time to create a twitter page, search for her and add her.

It's clear he doesn't want to lose her especially making a twitter account?+
*
you really think there's no hope despite the fact he did agree to number 2?

This marriage is over my love. In the sense that it cannot be healthy or happy in a real sense for either of you.

He cannot let her go. He has chosen her / the memory of her / the prospect of her over you yet again.

That doesn’t mean he has chosen her over your children. So you need to separate the two things and not threaten to withhold the children from him as you have done before.

This relationship is never going to be the one you want. This time he’s created a special account following only her. You could get him to get rid of it and in a few months he might add her on Facebook, respond to her on email etc etc etc.

This is beyond a joke now and you’re going to make yourself ill.

You deserve more, your kids deserve more and you all deserve a chance to be happy and healthy. It doesn’t sound like that’s possible with you two as a couple. You can coparent successfully without staying together.

This was his big chance to come clean, move on from her and devote himself to making things work. He didn’t. He kept the account that only follows her and it was still active.

It’s over my love, I’m sorry.

victoria beckham had another child and then another one after david cheated on her.
they seem to be ok now. who knows.
hope yours will be ok, too.

Op he has done as he’s told and deleted the number again not that really means anything he can easily find it again He doesn’t want to cut contact with her hence the fake Twitter account to keep in contact with her

When you had your chat did you discuss his feelings for her and you ? You need to talk to him about it and listen you don’t want him only being with you for the kids you deserve better than that he shouldn’t feel bullied into staying in a unhappy marriage for the kids and your kids deserve better

when I said about the number he said it was comforting having her number there

Dear god he is spelling it out as clear as daylight . Why would you let this shit show continue ?

Your marriage is over. He deleted the number which was meaningless as he then set up twitter.

Why can’t you see it? I know it’s upsetting but this is crazy

3 days after your conversation and deleting her number he creates a twitter account solely to be able to communicate with her. They may have sent private messages then deleted them or he may have set it up ready to do so.

His actions are telling you he wants this woman in his life.

You need to take control and decide what you want. He clearly has no intention of ceasing contact with this woman so you need to make your decision from there.