OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Sorry @deepwatersolo but whether I'm controlling or not, but mellowing into a friendship? How wouldn't that effect our marriage? Having a 'friendship' with the woman he's been having an EA with for however long. Sorry, I'm naive to a point but it's extremely clear she is on a backburner

@deepwatersolo I'm agreeing with yours (and others) previous posts that he's kept her number for a reason!

How wouldn't that effect our marriage? Having a 'friendship' with the woman he's been having an EA with for however long. Sorry, I'm naive to a point but it's extremely clear she is on a backburner.

Cupcake you need to accept that this is beyond your influence. Maybe she is on the backburner, maybe not. You can only control whether you stay in the situation or leave it. Don't torture yourself.

I'm sorry to read some of the posts on here cupcakes. When I first became suspicious that my xh was cheating I also became 'controlling'. 'Controlling' meaning that I was terrified of him being out, hated him not being back when he said he would be, scared of what he was doing on his phone and angry with him because I wanted to punish him for making me feel so rubbish in the first place. When someone hurts you it changes you and when you desperately want to keep your marriage together you do anything. Its not controlling, its fear and being absolutely terrified and you think if you know exactly what they're doing then everything is ok. But its not. Going through what you have changes you and it changes your relationship completely. He is the one in the wrong, not you. It took me a while to realise that what I had with him wasn't worth saving. The longer this goes on the more it will impact on your life and mental health. You need to decide whether you want to save your relationship. I know some couples do get over this if they're both invested in saving a relationship. But do you think he will be? Do you really want to feel like this 6 months, 6 years down the line? You deserve better x 🌸🌻

Crikey 24 pages in and from what I can see you've still not actually spoken to him.

@LuckyAugust would you mind if I PM'd you?

@Spotsandstars he's a dr and been called in for emergency work.

Of course I wouldn't mind. I'm not quite sure how I receive messages through the phone app but I'll try and figure it out x

@LuckyAugust it took me a day to figure out! I'm the worst with technology..it's not on here it's on the actual Mumsnet website there's an icon in the top right and it should say you have a message. Thank you I really appreciate it

I really do feel for you and this whole situation op. I think now that all the questions you have asked have been answered many times all that is left is for yous to talk.
He needs to lay it on the table and so do you. Only then will you move on either together or apart.
You are driving yourself crazy asking the same questions in your head over and over.
The fact is he has cheated regardless of it being physical or emotional. Don't you and your kids deserve more?
You need to talk to him and make it clear no matter what that he will still see his kids.

Hi op! Sorry to hear that you’re still in turmoil. It is an awful thing you’re going through.

I think that you keep asking the same question, because you’re not quite ready yet to accept the answer. I can totally understand that.

You’ll move to the next stage when you’re ready.

I think the previous posters idea of writing a letter to your husband is a good one.

I know some of the responses seem a bit harsh, but I don’t believe that’s the intention of the posters. They are just trying to help you see what’s happening. If you’re not ready though, you’re not ready. Don’t let it put you off coming back for some support.

As for the question of the woman’s number. I know you’re hoping for people to give you a happier outcome, like he’s forgotten to delete it, but deep down you know that’s not true. Like I said, I don’t think you’re ready to accept that yet. So, just go at your pace.

Oh OP, this is excruciatingly painful to read, very sad and yes, frustrating.
You have always believed ( prev posts) that if you got pregnant again, the ow would end their relationship. You have explained over & over again, your obsession and reasoning to us readers and to your husband why you wanted another baby. It was to ensure this emotional affair ended. You know he can't speak to her, because the minute he does, he will HAVE TO TELL HER.
You already know WHY he hasn't spoken to her recently. You absolutely know, this is because she said she would end the affair.
She isn't on a backburner, she's the front runner.
It is so sad to read you are pregnant and with a toddler, in such turmoil over this.
Ending your marriage is awful, especially if it isn't your choice, it will hurt, your life will completely change.
You are forcing him to stay with you, out of control, need and heartbreak, over him loving someone else.
You KNOW he loves someone else. You know he unblocked after a week and you know why he's not speaking to her currently.
Once she ends the affair ( which you are desperately hoping for ) but again may not!
Are you expecting to just sweep this under the carpet?
You won't leave him. You want him to love you and not anybody else. It's anger, rejection, fear and sadness too and this is why you are continually seeking, for just one reader to agree he just might have forgotten all about her.

You are avoiding this conversation, with your husband, knowing it may end your relationship, you are pretending your life is okay.

You CANNOT force him to love you, you have tried and you have failed.

Re build your life, focus on your children. It is not the end of the world to end a shit marriage.

Hi @BlueStocking007 thank you for your honesty. So do you think that's why he has held onto the number rather than get rid, in the hope that she won't end things?

Yes

Absolutely 100% yes. That is why he has kept the number and been messaging her all these years.
Can I ask why you won't have the conversation with him?
Is it because you are afraid he is going to let it all out and tell you he wants to be with this woman? If so then I can understand why you are putting it off but you are only torturing yourself in all this. I think you know what you need to do and why he has the number still. You are second best to him and avoiding it won't make it go away.
Have the conversation and work on a way for yous to move on.

Oh op 😞

Why would anyone want to stay in such a dreadfully toxic relationship like this? Let alone put two poor children through it... OP, your husband has behaved (and continues) to behave appallingly by cheating and lying for years, you have admitted to following up by being horribly controlling for at least 3 years.

OP you have also deflected all attempts from PP’s to answer simple questions about the future - YOUR future, your kids futures and continue to obsessively focus on why an number is in a phone. You appear to be being ridiculously wilfully ignorant in the face of 24 pages of well intentioned advice - it’s really quite mind blowing

Why do you want this relationship to continue?

Hi @OhCaptain I hope you don't mind but I have sent you a PM

@Cupcakesaregood When you say he's a doctor and has been called in on emergency work, is he staying in separate accommodation from you? Have you literally not seen him for days? I don't mean to sound unkind, but I think for the sake of everyone's wellbeing you need to end this relationship ASAP. And when the dust settles, get some counselling.

@Babooshkar

OP you have also deflected all attempts from PP’s to answer simple questions about the future - YOUR future, your kids futures and continue to obsessively focus on why an number is in a phone.

I agree with your observations and I deduce from this, that as long as the affair ends/OW disappears/number is deleted......it doesn't really matter whether the marriage is good or not, as long as he doesn't leave.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.
I haven't RTFT just skimmed. I'm glad many posters are supportive. It isn't easy to realise life is going to change drastically beyond your control. I hope it works out okay.

Update* - hi everyone. Thank you all for your comments and feedback and honesty it's so appreciated. I thought I'd post and let people know what's been happening.

Well, we had the chat. We aren't happy and haven't been for a while. We both agreed that this second baby wasn't planned in the best of circumstances, he said he felt pressured and I agreed that I had pressured. We discussed what things would be like if we split. I think for the time being at least we have come to the decision to see how things go. We at least owe it to our children.

I said to him there is no reason for him to keep her number on his phone. He deleted it in front of me which at the time, made me feel better.

However

Last night, I logged onto twitter on our ipad (I have an account, H doesn't) - and it was already logged in, to a different account. One friend. The OW.

I said to him there is no reason for him to keep her number on his phone.

You said there was no reason.

He deleted it in front of me which at the time, made me feel better.

Like he did the first time. Deleting her number doesn't mean anything, when his heart is with her and there are a number of other ways to maintain contact.

Last night, I logged onto twitter on our ipad (I have an account, H doesn't) - and it was already logged in, to a different account. One friend. The OW.

And there you go. He's not letting her go. This is all very sad.

Did you actually discuss his relationship with her? His feelings for her and his feelings for you?

When you say you'd try for the sake of the kids...is there any love between you....or is it just about staying together, happy or not because of the kids?

Did he like the idea of splitting? Or was any dislike just about the kids, rather than you?

@Cupcakesaregood

This is going to completely destroy you. You know what's going on here yet you seem to he ignoring it time and time again.

He's in contact with her. He's lying to you. You know this. Please stop breaking your heart over this and accept the truth that is staring you in the face.

I'm sorry to be harsh but you need to start accepting the situation for what it is.

Hi @SandyY2K when I said about the number he said it was comforting having her number there even though he swore they hadn't spoken in 2 and a half months (since we found out) he said he agreed that he shouldn't have it if there's no communication so he deleted it.

He has no idea that I know about the twitter account. He must have forgot to log out. I looked for messages, interaction on her account and there was nothing but maybe he has been deleting them.

It's not happy, but I don't want to put my children through anything without at least trying. He said he didn't want to split up because of the children.

Yes you're right, he doesn't want to let go. He went to the effort of making a fake twitter account just to add her?