OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OMG I have a headache from this thread, OP I don't think your going to get the answers you WANT to hear from this forum.

Your focusing on the number and not taking on board that your husband has checked out and you do seem slightly controlling, albeit you prob feel he has made you this way. Toxic relationship.

@SandyY2K are we speaking about an abusive relationship or a couple with young kids who have hit a rough patch along the road? I can’t remember seeing comments on this and don’t want to go back and check - it’s quite a long thread now. From my understanding Op has made it clear she still wants her marriage and family to work and the husband is hardly scared of what is being called ‘controlling’ because he wouldn’t be behaving as he is. He’s being disrespectful to his wife and is causing all kinds of torment with his inconsiderate and entitled behaviour. I don’t know, maybe it is abusive from the husbands part? I do see op to be at her wits end with this so that’s why I suggest she makes him decide which path he wants to take.

@Artandlove

It's been easy to miss I think for people joining the thread lately as it was a chunk of conversation uptbread but OP herself said the below when asked how her behaviour towards him had been. It was a absolutely abusive and to her credit OP acknowledged how bad the behaviour was.

Controlling, pushing, watching him like a hawk, barely letting him out of my sight, don’t let him go out, put him on a curfew, made his life miserable until he gave in, think he felt that I’d take his son away if he didn’t give me what I wanted.

@Cupcakesaregood the thing is for him it isn’t a small thing to do because he has got himself in such an emotional mess between you both. Him drip feeding information and not really having a conversation about it is likely to be that he doesn’t know how to fix it. He probably thinks he should be able to have you and your family and stay in contact with her as well. But I do agree with you, if he did do it then it would give your relationship and family a chance.

It may be that in his head just like you he doesn’t know what to do ? Things are going round and round and he’s not getting an answer

Usually people who don’t like confrontation
Don’t like arguing
Maybe for different reasons , like they can’t think of the answers or don’t want to have to answer there and then because they don’t know how it’s going to turn, angry, upsetting, nasty etc

If he doesn’t like confrontation, how about writing him an email or a text message
That way he can read it without any interruptions and digest what you have written and maybe answer your question
Maybe send the email, then go out for a couple of hours so he can read, re read and hopefully have an answer for you

I know exactly what your going through, it’s exhausting mentally and physically.
You must be shattered, but you do need a conclusion from this and that’s why an answer from him in what HE wants needs answering.
I say him because I think you will stay in your marriage if he says or gets rid off the number
But the totally your decision and nobody else’s business

@BackseatCookers Thanks for that, I do remember reading that now.

made his life miserable until he gave in, think he felt that I’d take his son away if he didn’t give me what I wanted.

This comment was regarding having a second baby. So making his life miserable until he agreed to have a second baby and making him believe she wouldn't let him see their son again unless he agreed to have a second baby.

If a man made these threats to a woman they would quite rightly be unforgivable and the relationship would be described as unrecoverable and unfixable.

That's the case here too IMO.

Sorry @BackseatCookers I'm going to have to come back in and defend myself here. Just to be clear yes my behaviour hasn't been great. I have been controlling esp since finding those messages in 2017. I have put him on curfew, I do question him on things. When I first found those messages that has been the only time I had said out of anger if you don't get rid of her I will never let you see our son (who hadn't been born then). Yes I pushed for a second baby, yes it was more my decision than his. Yes if he had said no I would have been upset.

Hi @granadagirl hope you're well. That's a good idea, thank you. Yes he hates confrontation I also think coming from a broken home has had an effect on him

@Artandlove thank you for your understanding words

@Artandlove

I'm saying that staying in a relationship doesn't mean it can't be that bad. It can be bad and peopld can and so stay in relationships that are that bad.

I think a 3+ years affair is more than a rough patch.

I think making your spouse's life miserable till they agree to have another child is abusive/controlling and manipulative.

I think putting them on a curfew is controlling.

Not allowing them to go out with friends is controlling.

We can argue that the control is this bad because of the discovery in 2017...but it's still controlling behaviour.

I can't imagine my husband telling what time to be home and making my life a misery till I was coerced into having another child. Do you not think this is abusive?

the husband is hardly scared of what is being called ‘controlling’ because he wouldn’t be behaving as he is.

See this just isn't true. A lot of people might think so, but female victims of DV can and do have had affairs....it's an escape...from their reality. It doesn't mean they aren't scared of their spouse.

They just don't think they'll get caught, so they won't pay the price...which some have ended up paying the ultimate prices a result of infidelity.

I said earlier that when a man is on the receiving end of abuse, it tends to get downplayed.

I'm not for one minute condoning his affair. I just think if the marriage is to survive, things need to change. An affair one year into marriage isn't the norm.... ignoring issues in the relationship won't help.

Even though the OP threatened in anger he wouldn't see his child if he left, he could still believe she would do this.

She would not be the first or the last woman to refuse contact after a split. This could be what stops him leaving...the OP OP making life difficult for him.

He lives with her...he knows her.

One year into the marriage and he wasn't happy... why?

Yes I pushed for a second baby, yes it was more my decision than his.

You more than pushed and you know it.

Yes if he had said no I would have been upset.

made his life miserable until he gave in

Do you take this as him agreeing and being on board with number 2?

But he did say no and you made his life a misery by your own admission....so why minimise now?

You also said you are more controlling since 2017...implying you were already controlling before that.

Everything your doing is making him turn away from you, except he hasn't taken the steps to seperate from you physically.

This is exactly why I am coming off this thread for the moment. I'm being honest with myself about my behaviour and to you, yes I've been controlling out of fear. For gods sake I even pretend on social media. Do you have any idea how pathetic I feel? I'm getting crucified. I've acknowledged my faults in this, I've even said that I WONT DELETE HIS NUMBER, IF IT IS TO BE DONE IT NEEDS TO BE HIS CHOICE. Where as I could just go in and delete it myself. What I don't deserve is this crucifixition. Yes I am mainly at fault. Yes it was my idea to bring another baby in and yes part of me was hoping it would bring us closer together. I've apologised on this thread about my behaviour. Enough.

On a side note - thanks to those who have been honest in their opinion to me whilst at the same time being kind

@Cupcakesaregood @SandyY2K

OP has admitted her wrongs, I’d bet she wasn’t doing her controlling before all this OW carry on. Nobody, not even the most placid of people could have a peaceful relationship with what he’s doing. I can’t see how you’ve forced him to have another baby - those words are that of OP who is questioning absolutely everything in her life and relationship.

Abuse is abuse whether it’s the man or woman in the relationship - measured to the same standard in my opinion. So would you say the mental torment OP is experiencing is abusive? Emotionally and mentally abusive?

You really don’t owe anyone here an apology @Cupcakesaregood.

@Cupcakesaregood

If you give him the choice that it’s you or her because you can’t take much more of this. That way he can get an out if he wants one. The letter idea somebody else suggested sounds good given his personality. Beneficial that he isn’t put on the spot and he has time to think and reflect on the future he wants.

@Cupcakesaregood I don't think you're in the wrong really. It wasn't you that had an emotional affair, and even made a big show of deleting the person, then readded them.

Even if you were to delete her number, he could somehow find it again, like he did before. Maybe he even has it memorized.

Op knows where she as gone wrong in her marriage, but let’s not forget the reason for the controlling was because he CHEATED on her !!!!!

Your not telling me, if both you & your husband was making a go of your marriage again you wouldn’t be careful ?
She made the hard choice of giving it another go
But he never carried it through was he said he would.

She knows what she wants HIM to do, but he’s not doing so and this must be very frustrating for her
He’s not brave? Enough to make the decision

Give her a break, she as nobody to turn to
She knows she’s asking the same question but it’s that one question that’s the biggest problem
She could quite easily call the shots and say
I’m not waiting any longer till you do the pick me dance. I’m making the decision for you GO
But she doesn’t want this, she wants him
She lives him still

@granadagirl
I agree she loves him and wants it to work with him so that is why I’m suggesting she asks him the question so he makes the decision ...not begging or in a I’m not waiting any longer so GO situation. Basically in a this is not acceptable to me so you either cut contact with her and stay with me/keep our family together or if you want to keep things going with her then it’ll have to be without me and we’ll need to discuss how we move forward with the kids.

He isn’t going to delete the number and fully stop communicating with the ow off his own back. He seems to think he can have both and nothing will change for him.

Totally agree

Your not telling me, if both you & your husband was making a go of your marriage again you wouldn’t be careful ?

The fact of the matter is: No, because this is no way to live. Either you trust, or you split because the trust is gone. Much of the pain and torment OP experiences (and much that informs her controlling behaviour, which may well push him away) is the result of her not being able to trust him and let go of the urge to control him.

Now, he may well make the wrong choices, I am not condoning his behaviour, but the fact of the matter is: No amount of controlling him has kept him from communicating with OW. Nor was him stopping communication with OW a result of him being controlled. It was apparently his choice (or possibly OW's choice) to stop communication.

So considering that the attempts of controlling him did shit-all to make him stop contact with OW and at the same time are obviously an insufferable emotional drain for OP (and will also actually harm their relationship), it makes no sense to keep this up. It is self-defeating.

I really thing OP needs to let go and accept that she cannot control what he chooses to do or not do, and take it from there.

Hi @deepwatersolo yep everything you've said is true. It was his choice to stop communication but it's not a permanent stop

Apologies @deepwatersolo pressed post too quick again. I read an interesting article last night about ending an emotional affair. It talks about locking and bolting the door shut ie telling the person (sometimes not telling them) and then removing their number and blocking it as these are steps forward and you're closing any door you leave open, this is why I say the stopping of communication isn't permanent because that door is still open

OP this may all be true, but it is nothing you have control over. It may, indeed, not be permanent. It may end with him leaving you. It may mellow into a friendship that does not at all threaten your relationship.

You can't do anything about it. You could leave if you decide you cannot accept his behaviour/the insecurity of the situation. Anything else is outside your control. So stop torturing yourself and let it go. (Who knows, if he feels the pressure is released, maybe he opens up and you get more insight into his thinking than you do now.)

I think you should read up on 'radical acceptance'. Practicing radical acceptance can give you grounding and peace of mind in very difficult situations that are at least to some extent beyond one's control.