OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

It's him that needs to do it.

But this is exactly the point I am making. You want him to do something, and now you (it would seem obsessively) try to identify what precisely keeps him from submitting to your will.

And it could very easily be that for your partner keeping this number is now more than anything a (maybe subconscious) act of resistance against your control.

@deepwatersolo I meant do it for himself. Not for me

Ok. A lot to take on board. Thank you everyone.

Just to be clear OP I’m not saying you are you blame for what he’s doing because you can be controlling etx. We all have issues, doesn’t mean we should lie and cheat.

@BunnytheHoneyBee no need to apologise it's ok. I just want people to understand that I could quite easily take his phone and delete her. But I wouldn't or want to do that because he should be the one to do it if that's what he wants to do. Or if it easier for him to do. Yes it would make me happier if he did but it's not my decision to make. Yes I focus on the number I'm not going to apologise to people for that anymore. The number is her. It's clear why he still has it

My H is the type to bury his head in the sand which isn't a criticism, he's always been this way. I was just wondering if whilst he would want to avoid hurting her by telling her he's going to have another baby, wouldn't it be easier for him to delete/block the number to avoid that uncomfortable scenario. That's all I was getting at

It's clear why he still has it

But if it’s clear why he still has it, what are you asking?

@OhCaptain you're right - I was just hoping maybe someone would say something like he can't be bothered getting rid of he forgot

But you know with 100% certainty that’s not true because he’s been in touch with her since your first pregnancy.

And even if you believe that they haven’t spoken since you got pregnant this time around, that’s only weeks out of the years they’ve been having their emotional affair.

So you know it’s not that he’s forgotten.

@OhCaptain I know. And as I have previously explained, he hates confrontation he completely shuts down so if anything it would make his life easier to get rid of her because he would then not need to have that uncomfortable chat with her. But he hasn't - that's what I'm saying, so I know there's clearly a strong connection there. Yes I believe he hasn't spoken to her since finding out but as others have said and I agree, if he wanted it to stay that way, she'd be gone

I meant do it for himself. Not for me

No matter whether this woman means nothing or everything to him or anything in between, there is no reason for him to delete this number just for himself.

Deleting it for himself only becomes a thing in context of avoiding that you nag him, 'make his life miserable' or whatever tools you use to control him.

There is no reason at all for him to delete the number 'for himself' as soon as one takes your response to his action/inaction on the issue out of the equation.

@Cupcakesaregood ok so we know that it would be easier for him to delete her number. And his personality is such that he would usually take the easy way out of a situation to avoid conflict.

That means that he absolutely doesn’t want to.

So, what are you going to do?

@OhCaptain I'm sorry if I'm making you/whoeveelse point out the obvious. My head is just a mess

Don’t apologise!!!

I just hope you realise everyone is trying to help you see through this so you can make a plan for YOU and YOUR life.

You are right not to delete the number. TBh I wasn’t apologising, I just wanted to clarify that when I mentioned the control etc I wasn’t saying that I believe that’s why he’s doing what he’s doing. Based on your subsequent post I thought maybe you thought I was saying that.

Some of the opinions on here are quite harsh, possibly true, but possibly not. Only you know how you feel in your marriage and you have to make your own decisions with regards to it but the same applies to your husband. If he does think there are issues, that have caused him to behave this way, then IMHO he should discuss it with you.

I can understand why are you are focussing on the number. I can also understand why people are getting annoyed at you asking the same questions but then they need to click off the thread as it’s clear you are here for support.

I hope you have a productive conversation with him at the weekend but please keep posting if it is helping.

@BunnytheHoneyBee yes I have come on here because I need support but I also came on here for honesty which I've been getting. I know I'm not in a position to get upset at some of the harsh comments I just wish people would lay off the fact that I focus on the number.

@OhCaptain is right I think I maybe was looking for other answers even though the actual answer is staring at me in the face and I don't really want to confront it. I even thought him not speaking to her right now was because things were better but I'm starting to think that's just me being naive

@Cupcakesaregood here are some questions for you. Not to answer on the thread but for your own sake in your own time:

1. Say best case scenario things were “better” now in that he’s decided to stop talking to her because you’re pregnant and that’s it. Would that make up for the last however many years?

1. Do you want to live this life and have this marriage?

1. If so, can you make your peace with the fact that he’s highly likely to be in love with someone else, and might never cut contact with her? And if she cuts contact because you’re pregnant again, are you ok with him possibly always being in love with and pining for another woman?

1. If this is NOT want you want, are you willing and able to make a change and split from him?

It’s not for anyone to judge your decisions. It’s your life and you have to live it.

But I do think for your own sake you should try to think beyond the number. NOT because people on here might find it annoying but because it’s not good for you to stay in this limbo without thinking of your future.

Think I'm going to refrain from posting on here for a while. I will let you know the outcome. Thanks for all your honesty and opinions.

Best of luck.

I know I'm not in a position to get upset at some of the harsh comments I just wish people would lay off the fact that I focus on the number.

I think the issue is that when your response is 'but what about the number?' etc after the first few times then it's really hard for anyone to add any comments at all that don't include 'stop focusing on the number' or 'it's already been established why he hasn't got rid of the number - because he didn't want to enough to do it without being instructed to'.

I feel for you and your husband too, this relationship has become toxic and children are being used as pawns and power plays. I really hope you can find a way to separate and coparent, putting the children first and both finding a way of being happy and at peace without increasing the toxicity further.

I genuinely wish you luck and hope you can move past the number issue or you will spend the rest of your life focusing on something you already know the answer to.

Many of us have been here since the beginning of the thread, taking time to read through your posts and offering advice and live experience to try to help so it's a bit sad to be dismissed as harsh and that we should just lay off already.

It wouldn't be helpful for people to just keep you going round and round in circles getting nowhere. Sorry it didn't seem to be the type of help you wanted

Typo - lived experience not live experience

OP....I think what you're saying is you want him to delete the number because he wants to and not because you ask him or because you want him to.

You'd like him to do it, of his own volition because he no longer wants her in his life for whatever reason.

Sometimes in life, we'll never get the answers we want even when we ask direct questions to the person.

It might be that the person doesn't want to hurt our feelings by saying why they continue doing xy or z. They might be afraid of the response if the true reason is given. They may resort to responding with "I don't know".... when they really do know.

I know you might not be able to able to see yourself in this position, but if you were the one having an affair and you knew your husband wanted the OM out of the picture, but you retained the number ...what possible reason would you have for not deleting it?

For me, there would only be one reason...because I didn't want to and wanted to keep the door open.

Because at some point, I want that feeling the OM gives me. I'm thinking that I'll loose that high I get from contact with him if I I delete the number and the thought of him totally out of my life isn't something I want.

That's the only logical explanation.

Now one could ask whether it's in my best interests to keep the number, or whether it makes my life easier to get rid of it. It might be logical to delete it, but affairs don't always follow logic.

@Cupcakesaregood

You’re asking the questions because you are trying to make sense of it all which is understandable and totally normal.

My partner is the same with confrontation so I understand what you mean. People can use him for their own personal gain at times, he knows this and won’t say or do anything about it.

It’s not controlling to ask him to cut contact with her/delete the number for any chance of your relationship and family working out. There are three people in your relationship. It’s selfish what he is doing and she can’t be that nice - she’s knowingly getting herself mixed up in a married mans relationship! She’s not innocent, she knows what she’s doing.

His relationship with you can’t be that bad or he would have left already. I still think he needs and ultimatum to put this to an end one way or the other.

Hi @Artandlove I'm just sat here reading people's responses..thank you for your words. There are three of us and it's not what I want. I agree that maybe he would have gone if it were that bad but I am also now realising that he would do something small and simple such as getting rid of her so we can move forward if that was what he actually wanted to do. He's keeping her on a backburner

His relationship with you can’t be that bad or he would have left already.

This could be said of people in abusive relationships... it can be that bad and people stay.

My friend found condoms, photos of her DPs OWs, he took his OW out on my friend's birthday, he shoved her head down the toilet and kicked her....but she stayed.

How much worse can it get you might ask... I certainly wondered...but some people will stay, even when it's that bad.