OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

How did the talk to?

I hope you’re ok OP

Have you spoken to him yet op ?

Hi all. Apologies for lack of updates and thanks for checking in. My H is an essential worker and he got called in for an emergency and have been having some potty training issues with son. We have both acknowledged that we do need to talk about things properly. This is what I now do know:

He unblocked her within a week of me him blocking her in front of me in 2017 and have been intouch pretty much ever since

He isn't happy and doesn't like the way I pretend to others that we are.

He hasn't slept with her. This I believe, he swore on our sons life but then just shows me that they have a very strong emotional connection (something that it seems we don't have). He admitted to asking her to meet him and she was the one holding back even though she has feelings for him.

He hasn't spoken to her since we found out about B2. But I know why he hasn't and he obviously doesn't want to lose her otherwise he'd have made everything easier (and I'm talking about easier on himself too by avoiding that conversation with her) by getting rid.

My mind is frazzled. I've always known deep down they had stayed incontact. He went for a shower, I guess part of me over the past few days I thought maybe he'd get rid of the number off his own back. It's still in there. Another thing I've realised, she could call or text him at any time, that's some risk he's taking.

And yes we are going to talk about my controlling etc and our future. We just couldn't because he had to leave

Is anything he said a surprise or something you didn't already know?

Another thing I've realised, she could call or text him at any time, that's some risk he's taking

What's the risk? I don't think you leaving is a risk he's that worried about, based on his actions.

They also probably have some safety measures in place, that she never texts first...many people in affairs do things like that.

That along with secret emails to see if the coast is clear, before they get into any conversations.

Hi @SandyY2K well I thought considering how I caught them the first time, even though shes under someonelses name she still has the ability to text when he's here, that's what I meant by risk but I get what you're saying

He unblocked her within a week of me him blocking her in front of me in 2017 and have been intouch pretty much ever since

I wouldn’t be able to see past this monumental betrayal.

Your husbands actions are disgraceful. It’s no wonder your head is all over the place, he’s messing with your head with all his secrets and lies about this woman - for years! If he wants this woman because of the connection then he should stand by that decision and leave rather than torture you mentally over it all. Why does he stay if he isn’t going to make the effort with you and make your family work? He needs to cut her out of his life for good for this to have any chance of working, if he won’t then you’re simply wasting your time and set for more unhappy years ahead.

Hi @Artandlove thank you for your post. As I have come to realise and how others have said to me, if he wanted her out of his life he would have blocked and deleted her number, is that your take also? Happy to hear any opinions

As I have come to realise and how others have said to me, if he wanted her out of his life he would have blocked and deleted her number, is that your take also?

OP everyone has said this and your husband has said this too. You know whats happened and now it's time for you to decide what you want to do. Let each other go so you can both be free to be your best selves, maybe meet someone else when you've done some work on yourself and most importantly focus on coparenting the children.

Cup
Sorry love but your asking the same question again
You’ve got 20 pages of people telling the answer
Yes. If he really wanted to have no contact he would delete the number.
But you now, if he did that
She could always text him as she still as the number

Yes, I agree with that and would go as far to say that he actually wants her in his life. Even at best case scenario that this only a friendship, he is refusing to give up this particular relationship (whatever it is) to the detriment of his relationship/family with you. From your posts you’ve been honest about your wrongs and it is clear how much your relationship/family working out means to you - he’ll be very aware of this too. And by your wrongs I see he has driven you to this with his deceitful behaviour over a long period of time. My suggestion would be that for this situation to be resolved he needs to experience a loss; he loses you/his family as it is now or her. If he chooses her then it would have happened eventually anyway and you’ve spared yourself the additional torment before the heartache. He hasn’t left yet though for this emotional connection he shares so perhaps he feels he can lie and continue to have you/your family unit and her with no consequences?

Surely they both know each other's numbers by heart, and there would be a separate email address as well, getting rid of the number wouldn't mean anything.

Thank you @Artandlove - yes it's clear he wants her in his life..we need to have a proper conversation I'm hoping tomorrow

Sorry I don’t mean to be as insensitive as my message sounds, I was just trying to answer your question clearly. It’s easier for readers posting to see because it’s not happening to us. Take care of yourself and don’t take anymore of his nonsense. Be sure to let him know that you deserve better than the disrespect he’s showing you and to sort himself out!

How are you feeling about all this OP?

Hi @BunnytheHoneyBee thanks for asking. I'm ok..and I guess we all know what ok means (to me whenever anyone says I'm ok, it's generally not good)! I'm confused, upset, angry I feel too scared to ask anymore questions on here incase I get told I'm repeating, I haven't been able to have a proper convo with H - too many other things going on so other qs have been swimming around in my mind and driving me mad. Rang a friend in tears (the one who knows everything) and I have thought twice about asking this for fear of being told off, whilst I am thankful to the posters on here for giving me their honest views which is what I need, the reason things revolve so much around 'her number' is because I'm trying to explore every possibility as to why he has it (I know the only answer can come from him but I value your feedback). If it were a case that he was just 'using her' to fulfil emotional needs or whatever - would it be easier for him to then block and delete the number? (Please no telling me off, I'm all for honest feedback but can posters please refrain from getting frustrated with me, it took a lot for me to post this Q)

@Cupcakesaregood It’s understandable you are all over the place but FWIW I think you’re going well not to have just gone off at him. I’m glad you’ve got a friend to talk to in real life. As you say, none of us know how he feels about this woman or why he has her number, but theoretically it will be harder for him to delete the number the more he cares about her. The less he cares, the more easily he would delete the number and cut contact, I would assume.

It seems there are other issues in the relationship with control and trust (all relationships have their issues) so it’s possible that he’s more likely to turn his back and on her if things are working well with you two and any issues he has are addressed.

@BunnytheHoneyBee thank you for being understanding and kind in your response. Unfortunately my head is still only focusing on the number Yes there are control issues and I know that, I know that's probably mainly the reason we are in this situation, it's been almost like a drip feed convo with him which hasn't been great but he's an nhs worker so I don't want to add even more stress. He has a couple of days off from tomorrow so we can take it from there

Okay, I'll bite.

I'm trying to explore every possibility as to why he has it (I know the only answer can come from him but I value your feedback). If it were a case that he was just 'using her' to fulfil emotional needs or whatever - would it be easier for him to then block and delete the number?

I'm not him, but a plausible reason for him having her number is that she makes him feel happy, she values him, she shows him love and makes him feel good about himself and shows him respect in whatever way she does.

Very often in affairs, what each party likes, is how the other person makes them feel... I often hear "he treats me like a princess" or "she treats me like a king".... it's the way someone makes you feel, that will invariably make you feel about them as a person.

She in turn may be using him for the same reasons. She has a space in her life for him and is for the moment, prepared to be his secondary relationship.

Ego boosts normally go both ways, but there's usually a connection of sorts between the two people involved.

He could be 'using her' to meet those needs. It depends on how you interpret the term using though. In life, people do use each other and it's not always a bad thing.

I'll go one further and say that if she is no longer in his life, he may feel so unfulfilled that he seeks a similar relationship with someone else. It really depends on how this relationship started...whether he sought her out via a website..or whether she is/was someone he met through doing normal activities and the friendship developed into something else.

I think society in general has a way of underestimating or dismissing men's need for emotional support and love.

@SandyY2K thank you for your response. Agree with everything you said. My personal opinion is that if he was done with her it would be very easy to get rid

OP, I don't say that to be mean but as food for thought from the perspective that you concede that you have control issues that, it seems, you haven't yet conquered:

Could it be that you obsess about why he hasn't deleted her number, even though he knows that this is what you want him to do, because this is the first time he openly defies your attempts to control him?

To me (obviously from the outside) this does look like the actual question that riles you up is: 'Why doesn't he do what I want him to do?'

Maybe you need to let go of this issue and accept that he will make his own decisions regarding who is and isn't in his phone contact list?
Just a thought.

Hi @deepwatersolo no it's not about that for me. It's not about me. Yes of course I want him to get rid of the number I'd be lying if I said I didn't. But it needs to be him that does it, not me. If I wanted to I could go and delete it when he's out the room, but I don't want to. It's him that needs to do it. What I was trying to get at in regards to her number being there, was if he didn't care for her at all, would it be easier to just get rid of it

But he does care for her.

No amount of questioning or, yes, obsessing is going to change that.

It’s not that I’m trying to be rude or harsh or unsympathetic but he’s told you, even if it’s through his actions alone, that he cares deeply about this woman.

You, not so much.

My guess is if you weren’t the mother of his child he’d be long gone.

The thing is - that’s not the answer or opinion you want - and though many, many posters have said the same thing - it’s not what you want to hear so you’ll just keep asking.

What’s that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result?

Look, I think it’s pretty obvious that leaving your marriage isn’t on the cards for you. You don’t want to and that’s fine. It’s your life and your decision.

But you must do it accepting things how they are, not how you want them to be.

He didn’t delete her number because he was still in contact with her. Still cheating on you.

Not because it’s a link, or a connection that he wasn’t ready to let go of. But because he DIDN’T let go.

That’s just fact. That’s what happened. No one on this thread or in real life can change that for you @Cupcakesaregood.

And I don’t think anyone has been mean to you.

But nobody can give you what you want. Not even your husband. Because he doesn’t WANT to.

If you stay, I think you have to accept that he’s never going to love you the way you want. Because he’s quite clearly in love with her.