OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

I hope you've got support in real life. Just remember if you do talk to him don't believe everything he tells you. He chose to keep her number because he wanted to which means he was getting something out of it (or planning too). I'm sorry, I don't mean that too sound as harsh as it does. I feel so awful for you and know how it feels. I so desperately wanted someone to justify my shitty husbands behaviour and agree it could all just be a misunderstanding. I'm lucky in that financially I can support myself and I have good friends and family I can talk too. It will hurt for a while but it does get easier. You're stronger than you think x

@LuckyAugust thank you for your honesty and kind words luckyaugust. I just feel like I'm being attacked and criticised on here now because I'm 'obsessing' over the fact he has her number. It's not just a number, it's a link to her. Thank you for not judging and thank you for being honest

This is the saddest thread I've read on here. Just sad on so many levels. around.

@wildcherries yeah? Trying being me. Thanks for the input.

I can imagine it's tough being you. What in what I wrote disputes that? Anyway, I'm not rising to this. I wasn't even being harsh.

You know what you have to do and sadly I think you already know the answers. If he's a good father and a good man there's a good chance of a decent relationship outwith the current situation. As much as this must truly hurt, there's a much better chance of happiness for all, if you take that most daunting step now. The younger the kids are the easier it will be for them to adjust to it all. I feel for you, but it's time to move forward. Take control of your life back from this pain and let him take control of his.

I’ve read the posts on here and it’s an awful situation. I don’t understand why you’ve suddenly turned on the posters that have been there from the start and offering great advice.

I agree with PP, you do need to talk to your H. You’ve been tying yourself in knots trying to work out how he’s feeling when you just needed to ask him. I’m glad you’re planning to have that conversation soon, it must be a nightmare for you to keep thinking the same thoughts.

I know you’ve mentioned about the phone number and I understand that you see it as ‘her’ and so does he. Even if they aren’t talking, he knows she’s there and is probably thinking of him too. He’s unhappy with you and probably likes knowing that she’s there to talk to if he needs.

You’ve been really honest with your behaviour and admitted all your faults. I won’t lay into you about that as you know it’s completely unacceptable and PP have mentioned that you are just pushing him away.

I only see 2 options, counselling or splitting up. The counselling may end in you splitting up anyway but it might give you the opportunity to find some answers.

Controlling, pushing, watching him like a hawk, barely letting him out of my sight, don’t let him go out, put him on a curfew, made his life miserable until he gave in, think he felt that I’d take his son away if he didn’t give me what I wanted.

Your words, OP. Would you be happy if you were treated this way? Would you love the person who bullied you and made your life miserable?

Dude! That is some crazy behaviour! If you were a husband we would be saying 'LTB' So - kernel of truth.
He will leave you, quite rightly so - and You need to get therapy. You are making that mans life a living hell - please get help before you damage your kids.

Wishing you a lot of strength today to have the difficult conversation.

Sorry but I think it is possible to keep her number but for her to be in the past. Maybe it's an act of rebellion on his part to keep it, but you can't say it means he doesn't love you and is having an affair with her.

Were there messages under the pseudonym?

I wouldn't base my actions on what some people say here. There are those who jump to conclusions without the full picture.

Only you can say how it is with him and how it feels. And it's the life of your children as well. Don't jump to hasty conclusions.

Why do you want to live like this?
It's not healthy for you, oh and your children. I hope today is as gentle as can be, but if my husband told me he didn't love me, I couldn't stay with him, you are worthy are someone who loves you, and not staying because hes scared be wont see his child/ren.

I’m just wondering if you often have trouble with repetitive fixed thinking op?

I work with people with spectrum disorders that often have the same sort of circular conversations. If you do, I apologise if it’s stressed you to have your way of thinking criticised.

@Cupcakesaregood I think that is a good idea and I honestly hope you get the answers that you want so that you can either move on as a family or as two single parents coparenting with the best interests of your children at heart.

I wouldn't base my actions on what some people say here

Did you miss the bit where OP specifically says her husband said he hasn’t spoken to her since finding outOP was pregnant THIS TIME. Eg he has spoken to herAFTER “deleting” her number last time.

The fact that you were married a few years before the pregnancy etc does change things again for me. It’s not like you were dating for6 months and got pregnant by accident and he felt the need to stick around. He did commit to you and obviously his behaviour has been appalling. But you have not covered yourself in glory either.

The only way forward is to sit down and actually ask him what he wants. What his ideal scenario is. It might hurt - he might say”I want to be with her and see my children at the weekend”. Which will be shit in the short run but ultimately much better for you both, if that’s the truth. He MIGHT say he wants to make things work with you.

The important thing is he is allowed to actually! Not you telling him what he wants or threatening him. Or running away.

I’ve said from the beginning cupcake
Go with your gut, it’s never wrong

You know why No is still there
Because HE wants it’s there, he wants out
And it’s only because of your past threat he is a scared man to carry it on
HES scared, to go
And
YOUR. Scared to let him go
Stalemate

This will go on forever,
Either HE will snap and leave.

Or
YOU. Will have a breakdown

I’m truly sorry and angry with you both in a way that you can’t begin to sort this mess out
Please gain some strength from somewhere and face it head on
It will be so hard (remember I’ve been there)
But it’s so much better than torture 109%

Yes we come on here for advice because we’re in a turmoil and desperate because of the q going round our heads
We don’t like what some people say and it hurts, but the truth does hurt unfortunately
But you know what, thinking back
There the right ones , were the one in denial

@crispysausagerolls married one year before finding out I was pregnant. Together 5 years before.

Thank you @granadagirl

I just feel like I'm being attacked and criticised on here now because I'm 'obsessing' over the fact he has her number. It's not just a number, it's a link to her.

Nobody has disputed the fact that the number is a link to her. Not for one minute.

What everyone is telling you, is that he has the number because he chooses to and doesn't want her to completely be out if his life.

We know it's not just a random number...but you saying or asking if it's a step in the right direction because he's stopped talking to her is naive at best.

Tell me, if he pressured you into having a baby and made you miserable until you agreed, how would you feel about him? Could you really love someone who did that to you?

You speak as though nobody sees your pain and has no sympathy....but are you capable of putting yourself in his position? Can you be empathetic about how he feels, given your constant control over him.

I don't expect you'll answer this, because you've ignored similar questions...but think about for your own personal development.

Male abusers find vulnerable victims..... I don't see this any differently...because like the women who suffer domestic abuse....atm he's incapable of getting away from this unhappy and abusive marriage.

Based on how you either ignore or ask the same questions again....if this is your behaviour in the marriage, it must be very painful for your husband.

You may see this as an attack on you...it's not. I really just want to help and support you to achieve whatever you want.

In one message, he told her he wouldn't be seeing her if he was happy. Can you make him happy?

What has changed in you from when you first met?

Now I'm not saying affairs are the fault of the betrayal spouse, but what made him so unhappy that he was cheating within a year of marriage? Where did it all go wrong?

Did he even want to get married? Think back to how it came up.

I only say this because, you might find on reflection, it was always you pushing things....it's hard to admit, but self exploration us your only hope.

Hi @SandyY2K I am spending today trying to reflect on past actions and what is going to happen going forward. Ever since that night in 2017 yes, I've questioned him on things. Yes, I watch him on WhatsApp, yes when he goes out I do ask him to be home by a certain time. I admit these aren't good.

Yes I admit I also felt some social pressure from constantly seeing friends in genuinely happy relationships and I thought well maybe if we had another baby and I never let go of the topic. And as much we will love this new addition, I have a feeling it's going to cause extra stress. I wanted everyone to know we are fine and we are happy and what's a more obvious sign than a pregnancy. Stupid yes but here we are. Our first wasn't planned and this one was and I thought, again, that may improve everything. Yes I've always had a niggle that she has still been in his life, hence me watching on WhatsApp etc and then when I got pregnant I thought right surely now it would actually make his life easier to just forget about her or delete the number/block it/get rid and concentrate on us. So when I saw he still had the number obviously this has made me realise he must care for her.

I have known him a long time so please don't ask me to explain how I know he is telling the truth in this respect I just do, but I do believe he stopped when he found out about number 2. But quite clearly, he hasn't stopped for good as it is obviously because he doesn't want to lose her and by telling her I am pregnant, that runs a huge risk of losing her.

Yes in one of the many messages I found in 2017, he did say to her 'if I was happy with with my wife I wouldn't be talking to you' and so for a split second when I know he stopped speaking to her (when we found out this time) I thought it was because he's happy. But it's not because if that were the case he'd close the door on her and lock it. Instead he's left it open to future contact because I believe he's trying to work out how to keep her because the chances of him losing her are high.

Yes, I have been controlling. Yes, he came from a broken home which I know would make it even harder to leave me because he'd never put his kids through what he went through.

Sorry for the long post. Feel free to let me know your thoughts on what I've said. I am thankful for the honesty from you. I have been listening and I have been taking things on board.

@Cupcakesaregood are you going to leave him?

If not, why not?

I’m asking because I think you need to stop obsessing about how he might be feeling and start concentrating on what YOU are going to do.

Do you think this relationship is good for either your own or your husband's mental health?

I think you felt I was attacking you previously and I apologise if it upset you but I don't think you're putting your children first in this situation, especially as you've chosen to push and bully him into bringing another child into the world.

You're struggling because the relationship isn't working and is now toxic for both of you. Not everything can be fixed. That's just real life.

I get the sense you want to 'keep' him, regardless of whether that makes either of you genuinely happy or not.

There's a difference between being married and being in love, united, a team.

This situation is damaging everyone involved, including the children because a toxic couple can not successfully parent under the same roof both unhappy.

You could both be brilliant co-parents who have separated but I fear you want to 'win' or 'keep' him more than you want that. It's such a shame.

Okay...you asked for my thoughts on what you said.

Hi@SandyY2KI am spending today trying to reflect on past actions and what is going to happen going forward.

Ever since that night in 2017 yes, I've questioned him on things. Yes, I watch him on WhatsApp, yes when he goes out I do ask him to be home by a certain time. I admit these aren't good.

What about before you found out about the affair? What was your relationship like? Why do you think he has cheated 1 year into marriage.

You keep deflecting questions regarding the state of your marriage before the affair.... that's pretty important.

This may sound strange, but a betrayed wife told me her marriage was good, very loving, no financial issues...by all accounts a great relationship....then he cheated. He begged for a second chance..she said no. Do you know why?

She told him that if he could cheat when things were so good (and he admitted things were great), that when the going got tough and difficult issues came along like challenging kids, sleepless nights, ailing/ill parents etc, she could never trust him to not step outside. This was many years ago....but I really get what she means.

It's not unusual for betrayed spouses to become hypervigilent after dday... I get that...but it sounds like there were serious issues before dday, which you've ignored. That's rug sweeping and not addressing the issues.

I wanted everyone to know we are fine and we are happy and what's a more obvious sign than a pregnancy.

Can you shed light on why it's so important for people to think you're happy, as opposed to actually being happy?

You got pregnant to show others, but what have you actually done to make this marriage better?

I'm not saying it's entirely your responsibility to make things better....but what do you do to make your home a place he would want to be?

Our first wasn't planned and this one was and I thought, again, that may improve everything.

You're kind of minimising here...the second was planned following you admittedly making his life a misery. He was coerced into it and you know that.

then when I got pregnant I thought right surely now it would actually make his life easier to just forget about her or delete the number/block it/get rid and concentrate on us.

When you say this, I don't get the impression it's about his happiness....just making his life easier and concentrating on you. You don't seem concerned that he should love you, as long as he's there and he cuts her off.
What do you say about this?

Yes in one of the many messages I found in 2017, he did say to her 'if I was happy with with my wife I wouldn't be talking to you' and so for a split second when I know he stopped speaking to her (when we found out this time) I thought it was because he's happy.

But you also saw a second message saying she wouldn't hang around if you had another baby....so this is the more likely reason they aren't communicating at the moment.

Yes, I have been controlling.

What are you going to do about this?

I had missed that the conversation with OW contained her statement that she would be gone if he had another child in marriage.

Sadly, I think I now understand, why OP pushed for it so hard (making her husband feel outright miserable, until he agreed). I very much doubt ‚what others think‘ played any role, except for that particular one ‚other‘, of course.

Quite depressing. I do think that DH cannot set boundaries, possibly because of a difficult upbringing. I mean, at least OP asked for his consent (which some women would not do, let‘s be honest).

This is utterly depressing.

He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number

OP, maybe I've missed something but are you thinking he never blocked her, he just pretended to? Because to me it seems maybe he blocked her then added her again which to me is far more dodgy maybe.