OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

@DBML and thank you I came on here because I don't have anyone because i make out like we are happy

And this isn't a drip feed as someonelse called it earlier im just upset about the messages I saw mainly because he speaks to hear in a way he's never spoken to me in But one of the other things he said to her was if he was happy he wouldn't be speaking to her. And he's not speaking to her right now so I was wondering if that was because he was happy. Maybe I should have said that earlier. But I think it's because he could well lose her if he tells her and no I don't think she knows

OP.. I sent you a link via PM....I just remembered another thread, where the OPs DH has been having an affair with the same woman for 10 years....and she sounds just like you.

She pretends she doesn't know about the affair, bit reads their messages to each other.

She started her thread in 2018 and is asking the same question... why hasn't her DH left if he loves this OW

This is beyond sad.....

How was your marriage before you found the messages? Was he allowed out then ? You are both pretending you to the world that you are happy and him to himself about his feelings for someone else

You need to speak to him about his feelings for you and his true feelings for ow he needs to be honest and you need to listen

Op, your situation is so sad and it’ll be sad for a while.

But if you decide to move on, you can be sad for a while, but then be free to find happiness.

If you force him to stay, your unhappiness will last forever. You’ll always know you made him stay and you’ll never feel like his number 1.

I sincerely hope you get the strength to talk to your husband. I send you all the best wishes in the world and I hope that you are happy again soon.

We’re always here if you need a chat.

Have you asked him why he isn’t speaking to her at the moment? Maybe she’s dumped him that still doesn’t mean he loves you or is happy with you and I don’t mean that to hurt you

Maybe they are still speaking you only have his word for it he’s lied to you before he may or may not of told her you are pregnant

@Alfiemoon1 he won't have told her. He gets shy and he is the least confrontational person ever. Our marriage may be in bits but I know he won't have told her and that's exactly why she's still there. Also even if he had told her, she hasn't blocked or deleted him as her photo still shows.

You say he gets shy but you also said he is a different person when talking to her. You can‘t really know. The idea that he is happy in a relationship that has this level of control and coercion is irrational.

He can’t be that shy if he’s texting and talking to another woman
You only know what you have read you don’t know what else they have discussed he will have deleted messages you are speculating like the rest of us

You need to have an honest and frank discussion with him about his feelings for you your marriage and the ow

Not read all the posts more recently, but your last message, I'd be inclined to text her myself and tell her that her beau is actually still sleeping with his wife, had entered gladly into trying for more children and you're currently pregnant so can she make her own decisions on how she feels about her role over the next 50 - does she want a blended family, to be a wicked step mum etc -
Years with another kid on the way ... sorry you're going through this yourself OP - your husband is a dick and wish you weren't caught up with this, but you are - and you need to do what's best for your family - id do the above, but others may disagree - good luck in whatever you do- your husband is a shit though

@custardbear thank you for being kind custard, it's ok it's becoming clearer and clearer to me that I really did push for this second baby. And clear to me he doesn't want to lose whatever it is he seems to be keeping on the backburner

What do you mean by give him a curfew and don’t
Let
Him out your sight?

Ok. Enough. You need to get off this thread and sit down with your dh and clearly talk through this. It's clear that he's not a dangerous man, yes he may have been having an affair but if you don't actually talk to him instead of a group of strangers then you will never get anything straight, you just keep going over and over the same things with no way out.
Tell him no matter what you would never withhold the children from him in order to keep him. He needs to choose you freely not because he's forced into a corner.
You deserve more. And actually dare I say it but maybe he deserves more too? Marriage is an equal partnership, not threats, control and deceit.
You could both come through this. But you both need to choose this. Stop pretending to the outside world all is fine, it's destructive. Failure, issues and mess ups are a natural part of life and it takes a strong person to admit they are not perfect and need help. And not to just admit but actively seek change.

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. You sound exactly like I did over a year ago when I found out my stbxh was messaging someone. He had her name saved as 'Kev' and it was pure chance he was caught out. To avoid actually saving her name in his phone he memorised her number (found that bit out later). She would still text him and whenever I was suspicious I was the crazy one for misinterpreting a 'friendship' with something else. He painted a picture of this needy young girl (she's nearly 20 years younger than us) and how she looked up to him and had no friends, blah blah blah. He even got her on the phone to me saying it was just friendship. I hated her and it drove me crazy for months because I wanted to believe him and I kept making excuses for him. I'd have the same conversation over and over again with friends because I wanted someone to actually say he loves you and would never hurt you or have an affair. None of them did though. Fast forward a few months and I found naked pictures of her on his phone (taken by him as he was in them to). He'd also booked a holiday with her!. The lengths he went to to make me come across to everyone as crazy and insecure was unbelievable. But I was right and wish I'd stopped ignoring was what clearly happening. Its hard honey but you know in your gut its not right and it never will be now. He's not worth it, whether its her or someone else cos in time there will be a someone else. I hate how some men are such pricks. Look after yourself and pm me if you need any support x

Hi @LuckyAugust I'm so sorry you have been through it, how are you doing now? Well because my H has her saved in his phone (albeit under a different name) my gut is telling me he cares more about her than about my feelings. Some people on here have been getting frustrated with me because I'm upset about the number being a link but it seems you understand? If he didn't care about her, it's a button on a phone he can just press it and he hasn't. He's keeping her on the backburner

I think with my crappy husband it was the attention he liked. He has mental health and alcohol issues too and prior to meeting this girl he'd been sober for 8 years. We got married, had kids and he totally turned his life round. But I think he was bored and I've no doubt this girl turned his head and that he made me out to be this horrible controlling wife. I think she felt more for him that he did for her but he liked having the wife who took care of everything at home and the girlfriend on the side who he could go out with, get drunk and take drugs with. I don't think she was the first either. His life completely fell apart when I found out the truth and suddenly I became the one he wanted to be with and she was just a mistake. Its really awkward and our kids are totally broken hearted because he's not here. I miss him at times but I had months of feeling paranoid and crazy and when I did find out the truth it felt like a release. I've still to file my divorce papers (even though they're all filled out), I don't want to be with him but at the same time I don't want him to move on or meet someone else. Its like ripping off a plaster I know I need to do it....... I'd never take him back but its still hard making it final. It takes time and its so hard when you love someone because you want to believe them and believe they wouldn't hurt you xxx

Nobody has gotten upset with you because you think the number is a link.

It’s because you’ve had page after page of advice and thoughts and opinions and you KEEP asking the same question even though posters have answered to the best of their ability.

I said in the beginning, we can speculate but we cannot KNOW what he thinks or feels, or what his reasons are.

You completely unwilling to move on from your obsession about it.

You can’t control what he thinks, what he does, or what he feels.

You can only control your own actions.

You keep saying he could have just deleted her. Yes, he could have. Everyone has agreed with that.

But he hasn’t.

And continually asking people if they think that (even after they’ve said time and again that yes, they think that) isn’t helping you, is it?

And I completely understand. Before I found out the truth I was obsessed with searching his phone for evidence of her number. He used to disappear on 'benders' and her number would appear after that but he'd manage to talk his way out of it. He'd have a go at me and say he couldn't help it if is she wanted to phone him and I didn't understand why he wouldn't just tell her to f*.off!! Xx

Going to come off this page for abit. Find some of the posters really very harsh. Yes I've asked the same Q. Guess what, it's because I'm in turmoil. Thank you to the posters who have been kind.

And before anyone says that I just don't want to hear the truth, I've heard it. From almost everyone. I just need to process it. For those who haven't judged me, thank you.

Sorry posted that too soon! What I meant to add was that I had over a year of being fooled and it was horrific. I'm sorry but if your gut is telling you something isn't right then don't give him the chance to hurt you again (because he will 😓) x

Thank you @LuckyAugust I hope things are good for you now x

How do you intend on resolving this op ? Posting on here will give you support but not actually resolve your issues you need to speak to your husband you need to find out his true feelings for you and the ow once you have done that and know where you stand you can plan to move forward with or without him

I understand you threatened in upset and temper for him not to see your dc but if you continue with your controlling behaviour which I asked were you like this before the messages he will seek happiness elsewhere and he will realise you legally can’t stop him seeing his kids so will call your bluff and leave with or without an ow in tow

@Cupcakesaregood you have been told over and over and over again that the number is in his phone because that's what he WANTS. Pure and simple whether or not he his in contact with her right now he has been in the past three years and will so again in the future when he feels the time is right. He has been having and will continue to have an AFFAIR.

So you have two choices 1) you turn a blind eye and continue in your make believe perfect marriage knowing that your husband is pining after a another woman, hoping that he buries his feelings for her, going crazy everytime his phone beeps.

2. you sit down with your husband and talk to him openly and frankly and get the answers to your question from him instead of randon strangers who are second guessing based on the information you are providing. Talk and listen to each other like adults and if after the heart to heart you decide to make a go of it then it needs to be for the right reasons for both of you and you need to work together as a unit, marriage counselling may help. If you decide you are better separated then you need to focus on you and the little ones and work together to coparent then.

There will never be a good time to rip of the plaster and talk to your husband but you HAVE to do it. Easter is over now and tomorrow is a normal day. If you don't then you will forever find yourself making excuses, 'we can't talk because there is a pandemic, oh it's the weekend in day, oh it's Christmas, so and so' s birthday etc.

@Preggers86 we haven't brought it up because we have been trying to make it a happy house for the sake of our son over Easter. I'm doing it tomorrow.