Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 19:32

Thank you @DBML I do respect your honesty. That's why I asked what I asked because I trust your opinion. Whether other people think I'm making it about her, I'm still going to ask because it's how I feel. If he got rid of her now then it would be a step but what I'm asking is this. Surely if that's what he wanted, a step in the right direction for our marriage, he would have done it already. Whether it was after 2017 or after he found out we were pregnant again. The reason he hasn't is because he needs her whether he's speaking to her right now or not. He's scared to tell her incase he loses her. I was just wondering if you agree

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 19:35

Hi @granadagirl it's ok. Your honesty is appreciated, you've been nothing but kind.

OP posts:
DBML · 13/04/2020 19:36

I agree. I think his priorities are:

  1. Your children
  2. The Ow

He’s stayed for the children...but if they weren’t there, he’d be gone.

He doesn’t want to lose her. You’re right.

So what will YOU do about it? That’s the real question.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 19:39

@DBML and you think this is because the number is still there? I know it's inanae I'm actually just writing everything down so I can read and process

OP posts:
DBML · 13/04/2020 19:49

I think that even if the number wasn’t there anymore op, he’s not going to be able to turn his feelings off.

But yes, the number is there because that’s his only link to her.

Think back to the last time you found the number and he deleted it. Did it go away? No, he got it back.

Just because the number goes, doesn’t mean his feelings for another woman go.

DBML · 13/04/2020 19:52

Are you scared of asking your husband how he feels op? Are you scared of the answer?

I feel like you really don’t want to know the answer from his mouth.

Have you got some really lovely friends to talk to? What about family? Who have you got op, other than your husband?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 19:52

@DBML thank you, I do listen to what you're saying

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 19:54

@DBML I pretend to everyone we are ok. I even posted today what an amazing weekend we had. I can't talk to them. The one person I confided in said that whether they are speaking or not she is still in his life and if it was what he wanted it would be the easiest thing in the world to press a button on a phone and get rid of her. And if he didn't care for her, even easier. That's the advice I received from her

OP posts:
DBML · 13/04/2020 19:58

Why is it so important to pretend everything is ok?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 20:03

@DBML I don't know. A lot of friends have two under two/two under three and are very happy, so I just play along. I wouldn't want anyone thinking we were having problems so I pretend that we are fine. My H doesn't even follow me on Instagram. He can't even see what I post. I think it's because he knows what I put isn't true. Don't get me wrong he's hardly active on it but he follows friends. Not even his own wife. In today's age as pathetic as it sounds that's very telling

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/04/2020 20:04

Deleting her phone number and even him never contacting her again is really not the issue here.

If you or the marriage makes him so miserable, he could just get someone else.

If he got rid of her from his phone or his life, do you honestly think you'd have a happy marriage? Do you? Or doesn't that matter as long as he doesn't leave?

Would you be happy that his heart is somewhere else and he's with you in your house?

These are simple questions to answer.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 20:06

@SandyY2K it might not be the issue to you, but it is to me

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 20:06

You're just back to obsessing over her as if she's the main problem!

The issue now is the total toxicity of the relationship, whether she's looming in the background or not.

You can stay together but neither of you will really be happy, whether he's speaking to her or not, because the relationship is past the point of return.

You're already trying to keep up appearances on social media rather than actually talking to him.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 20:08

@BackseatCookers I've been 'keeping up appearances' since I discovered the messages.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 13/04/2020 20:09

Two kids under 2 or under 3 isn't easy in a good marriage . Stop locking at what other people are doing...because their husbands or wives aren't in love with other ppl as far as you know.

You're marriage isn't their marriage....some of them might even know about his affair and will be pitying you.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 20:14

@BackseatCookers yeah you know what I am obsessing because it's hard for me to understand why that number is still in his phone

OP posts:
DBML · 13/04/2020 20:14

Op.

Why present that everything is ok though, when it’s not. That must be exhausting.

Are you really trying to fool your friends and family...or are you just trying to fool yourself?

  1. Op. You have a problem. The problem is a husband who loves another woman.
  1. Deleting her number will not delete her, no matter how much you want it to.
  1. Pretending this isn’t happening, won’t make it go away.
  1. Even if he deletes the number. That won’t be the end of it.

If it was my husband I would have 2 simple questions for him.

Do you love this other woman?

If you thought you could still see the children regularly, would you leave for her?

If he doesn’t love her and wouldn’t leave, then perhaps you can work on your marriage...but if he loves her and would leave, then I think you have to accept that your relationship is over.

I’m sorry.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2020 20:15

it might not be the issue to you, but it is to me

And this is why your marriage will continue heading south, because you refuse to deal with the actual issues.

Even if there was no OW, but he said he didn't love you....and was only there for his child....that would still be an issue... but you don't care as long as he's there.

He hasn't and doesn't want to delete the number because he loves her. If you're okay with that...then carry on.. .but this will all blow up in your face one day.

Controlling and manipulating him is wrong...you literally forced him to have another baby...focus on that....but hey..thats not the issue is it.

It's all about this number and deleting and blocking his girlfriend.

Alfiemoon1 · 13/04/2020 20:18

Op have you spoken to your dh since starting this thread ? Nobody is punishing you yes he is wrong to cheat but you are also wrong stopping him going out etc

If you spoke to him and he agreed to block and delete her do you think you would both be happy in your marriage? I doubt it which is why everyone is trying to make you understand the bigger issues he can’t be happy not being allowed out I hope he doesn’t resent your second child as you said you made his life hell to get him to agree to it in the first place will you be happy knowing he is burying his feelings for someone else ?

You have been so desperate to keep him but it is your actions that may well drive him away in the end which is why I suggested individual counselling

BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 20:18

I've been 'keeping up appearances' since I discovered the messages.

Yes. Exactly. It's got to that stage already, so you can't expect it to magically fix now.

You can choose to be happy or choose to 'win' by him remaining married to you. But that isn't really winning is it?

You have agency over your own life. You could spend the next ten years obsessing over this woman and her phone number.

He didn't choose you, not really, and that's horrible and sad but it's true. He chose the marriage because he didn't want to lose his son. But he didn't really choose that because he kept talking to her. Etc etc.

He's chosen the marriage at times, but hasn't chosen you. You've chosen the marriage but not chosen to take accountability for your own actions.

I don't think there's anything anyone can say now that you won't answer with 'but wouldnt he have got rid of her number if xyz'.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 20:18

@DBML despite me yes pushing the idea of having a second baby he could have said no

OP posts:
DBML · 13/04/2020 20:23

@Cupcakesaregood

That doesn’t change anything op. Men have babies with women every day, sometimes women they don’t even know.

It doesn’t change the main questions does it.

Honestly, I really feel for you, more so than anyone else who I’ve interacted with on Mumsnet. Your story is a devastating one and if your were my friend in real life, I’d be really looking after you right now.

But you are willing to sacrifice both of your happiness just to keep your husband tied to your side. Where he doesn’t want to be.

SandyY2K · 13/04/2020 20:23

it's hard for me to understand why that number is still in his phone

Why is it hard to understand?

He has a woman who makes him feel good...he cares deeply for her. They want to be together.

He's got her number because he doesn't want to let her go.

How many different ways do you want this spelt out to you. You say you get it, but you don't. If you did, you wouldn't keep asking the same questions 18 pages later.

Your husband is in love with another woman.
He's been with her for at least 3 years
He doesn't love you.
He's there for his son
You control him
You have him on a curfew
He's not allowed to go out
You manipulate him
He's scared of you

What more do you need to know.... oh yes... why her number is in still in his phone

DBML · 13/04/2020 20:24

Talk to him. Be brave. Ask for the truth. Listen to him.

Only then, can you move on to processing this properly.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 13/04/2020 20:26

@SandyY2K I'm crying as I say this but I just want the truth. Even though he stopped even for just now? Bye I'm not saying I'm crying to make anyone feel bad I actually appreciate everyone's honesty and yep I need to hear it

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.