OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

@deepwatersolo
Never even considered that . Think most of assumed she doesn’t know , but I think you have a good point . Maybe OW has closed contact with him . Still not a good outcome as he will then be looking at blaming op for her role in their breakup . If that’s what has happened .
The DH is the only one who knows

Op.

The most revealing thing you’ve said on this entire thread is that he said
“I’ll bury my feelings”.

He was telling you very opening and honestly then, that he has serious feelings for someone else.

You’re not listening to anyone op.

He doesn’t love you. He’s not happy.

I’m sorry but I don’t know what you’re looking for anyone to say here?

I'm so sorry you are going through this pain OP. But several days have now gone past and you are still in the exact same place going round and round in circles trying to analyse it all on here. You need to speak to him to move forward in some way. Then you can decide what to do.

The most revealing thing you’ve said on this entire thread is that he said “I’ll bury my feelings”.

That gave me pause, too.

@deepwatersolo Never even considered that . Think most of assumed she doesn’t know , but I think you have a good point.

You know, something like that happened to me. Upthread I talked about this guy who still tries to contact me years and years down the line, presumably because he projects something into me that I am not. We were never serious because I knew I was abroad for only 1 year and he wanted to stay (and he was fun but no relationship material imo).

Yet, I was hurt when he started a relationship with someone else, weeks before I left the country for good, and after he had acted like we were star crossed lovers (which I did't quite buy into, but it was flattering) and even told his new girl friend, had I stayed he would have married me (not true and an absurd thing to say to your new love interest).

Well, 4 months after I had gone back to my home country, he also went back there for a short visit (accidentally came from the same city) and asked me to meet up (as friends, as I though). I agreed. He tried to persuade me to spend the night with him. I declined. A week later (he had flown back) he messaged me, his girlfriend was pregnant, in her 3rd month. He had known for 2 months.

I ended all contact, blocked as best as I could. 4 months later he was again about to travel back to 'our' city for a visit and tried to guilt me into meeting up with him. It was atrocious, a real fight. He threatened to show up at my work place to see me. It ended with me threatening that I would tell his pregnant girlfriend that he was harrassing me (which he was at this point), if he did not leave me alone.

OP.

This relationship is incredibly unhealthy.

He is a cheat.

Your behaviour has been controlling to the point of abuse. Restricting his communications and banning him from leaving the house and giving him a curfew. Sometimes with the threat of parental alienation if he doesn't comply with your wishes. That is coercive control.

You are a parent.

Your children are your responsibility.

You have already chosen to bring another child into this toxic dynamic. That was incredibly selfish in my opinion but it's done now.

Do you love your children more than your husband? The answer should be yes. I assume it is.

If so, you need to stop obsessing over this woman, her number and your husbands private thoughts and feelings. Because you're spending so much energy on all that that you are not putting your children first.

If you were putting them first you would be addressing the issue with your husband and working on a plan of action, to coparent healthily.

I know this probably sounds harsh but much of this is a situation of your own making. You have to take accountability for some of the situation too. You've been controlling to the point of abuse. If a man was controlling to the point of abuse, nobody would excuse his behaviour whether his wife had cheated on him or not.

Put your children first. You aren't doing that right now at all.

apologies if this is a stupid question but if that were the case why bother keeping the number?

The response from Deepwater is correct.

He's keeping the door open....the OW might change her mind....he's holding onto it because despite the second baby, he may just realise he can't do this anymore (be with you) and when he decides to leave for good, he'll go to her.

And if she doesn't want him, he'll blame you (in his mind) for his loss and become wreckless...maybe even get another OW to escape from this unhealthy controlling marriage that he can't find a way out of.

Talk to him.
Face the truth.
Don't be unreasonable and difficult.

@BackseatCookers

Your post is 100% spot on.

I was making his life miserable until he gave in to the second baby option. I knew what I was doing.

I genuinely think this is concerning OP. It worries me that this level of manipulation, along with the awareness you have of it, will lead to things like you threatening to harm yourself if he leaves in order to guilt him into staying. Is that something you've said before in the heat of the moment?

This relationship is so unbelievably toxic and the drip feed of your controlling and abusive behaviour has been a game changer.

As I said you need to be an adult and put your children first. You aren't doing that. You say you had another baby, created another life because you thought it would 'fix' the relationship?

No you didn't, you did it because you thought it would make him stay in the relationship. I'm afraid it was an extra stick with which to beat him if he tried to leave again.

You need some counselling and self reflection before even attempting a relationship again.

Sorry if I sound harsh, I just feel so sorry for the kids caught in the crossfire of this and find it shocking you don't seem to recognise your own behaviour as coercive control. It's properly abusive, not just a bit controlling.

After your massive drip feed about your controlling behaviour , OP , I really think you should let your DH go. He's not happy being with you , it's hard to believe that you want him to stay even though you've said you think it's out of fear.

It's not healthy for you , it's not healthy for him.

I agree with what backseat says. This relationship is unhealthy and I think you would benefit from some individual counselling. Having read your updates your behaviour is controlling and neither of you seem happy in the marriage

do you work op ? And what is your housing situation?

This thread has made me immeasurably sad. I cannot believe it but reading what your partner said to this woman just makes me feel sorry for him. He sounds utterly trapped. I don’t think what you’re doing is right at all, I’m sorry. I don’t get it. He has been trapped into being with you from your first pregnancy, but is desperately in love with someone else. You have manipulated and bullied him
into a second pregnancy and he is deeply unhappy. Just let him go.

The last 3 posts have echoed what I've said and are on the money.

The level of manipulation is really worrying and I agree that you seem like you would threaten suicide if he leaves.

Why would you keep him.on a marriage when he doesn't want to be there? You have to stop thinking about yourself here.

You say he's a good dad...so he'll continue to be a good dad if you split up.

I honestly hope you have an honest and open talk to him and let him go if he wants to. No more threats, no manipulation or trying to make him feel guilty.

A child can be happy and healthy when their parents split up, if you put them.as a priority and always act in their best interests.

You’re insistent on manipulating this man into staying with you, whatever the cost.

Cheating is never ok. But neither is using a child to force someone to stay with you.

And it begs the question; what is wrong on a fundamental level that makes you want the scraps of an unloving marriage instead of going it alone?

So you knew she would dump him if you had a second baby, thats why you bullied him into having another, not because you wanted one, but because you knew it would be the end for her.

I'm reading everything everyone is saying and choosing to be silent. But I will say this, I'd never threaten suicide, you seem to be punishing me for something I said as a knee jerk reaction when I found hundreds of WhatsApp messages to another woman who he clearly has a connection with. I was upset and angry and have since apologised. Secondly, I don't think she even knows. In fact I'd put money on it because it would seem as painful as this is to say - that my husband doesn't want to lose her. I don't think he's told her and that's why he isn't speaking to her at the moment. Yes it's clear that he's inlove with her I got the memo

@Neepers no. Up until the other night I didn't think they had been in contact apart from a couple of occasions when I was suspicious.

Did you get married before or after the first pregnancy?

As many many ladies on here have tried to give you advice/help in your thoughts about your marriage, you seem only focused
On OW

What you should be focused on is YOU

I think your both scared to make the next move, to have a serious honest talk about where you go from here.

HE, clearly doesn’t want to stay, been in a relationship with OW 3 years and has feeling for her. He’s only stayed because you threatened him of not seeing his child, and his child will come from a broken home
He’s scared off you op.

YOU, are clearly trying everything you can to keep him there
Being irresponsible and getting pregnant, when you knew what state your marriage was in. Your controlling him, to the point he’s not allowed out and your watching his every move.
Your not happy, and haven’t been for years
Why oh why after 3 years off this way of living did you think you can make him choose you, sorry love he isn’t
He’s staying because he’s no where to go!

Do you really want him that badly that you’ll live your life in a
Loveless marriage with a person who resents the way you treat him, and is scared to do what he really wants to do because of your threats to keep his children away from him

You are going to be living in fear For god knows how long ? No way to live op

Do something positive please, the energy you’ve used this past 4 days doesn’t bare thinking about. You and the child your carrying must be suffering.

Have that talk

Sorry if I’ve upset you, have no intentions whatsoever. Just want the best you you, sooner rather than later

@crispysausagerolls we were together 5 years. Engaged 2. Married 1 before I found out.

No one is punishing you op. You asked for honesty and you’re getting it. Use it - this is your opportunity to be the bigger and better person. To put the past behind you and focus on being a super mum and a happy individual.

Can I ask you something honestly? Don’t be ashamed to answer, we know it comes from a place of fear...

Knowing how he feels; if your husband deleted the woman’s number and promised never to contact her again, would that satisfy you enough to stay in your marriage and continue where you left off?
Would you be able to set aside the knowledge that he loves someone else and just be happy to keep him?

@DBML at this point I don't know. Yes I am thank ful for the honesty - i don't know is the answer to your q because to me if he wanted to do that he would have deleted her already. Whether it was after that night in 2017 or when he found out we were pregnant. Do you agree?

Yes it's clear that he's inlove with her I got the memo

Eh?! This isn't the memo you should be taking away! People are saying your behaviour has been abusive and disproportionate and that you need to acknowledge that and be accountable for it. But instead you seem to be now angrily sulking because you've been challenged.

This is your last post:

I'm reading everything everyone is saying and choosing to be silent. But I will say this, I'd never threaten suicide, you seem to be punishing me for something I said as a knee jerk reaction when I found hundreds of WhatsApp messages to another woman who he clearly has a connection with. I was upset and angry and have since apologised. Secondly, I don't think she even knows. In fact I'd put money on it because it would seem as painful as this is to say - that my husband doesn't want to lose her. I don't think he's told her and that's why he isn't speaking to her at the moment. Yes it's clear that he's inlove with her I got the memo

It's still ALL about HER!

And just defending your behaviour because it was in response to the messages you found.

So you haven't taken on board at all what people have said - your behaviour has been abusive and regardless of this other woman still being in the picture or not, that is NOT ok.

You have weaponised your children twice - once by threatening to not let him see him then again by pushing him into having a second child to 'fix' the relationship when you knew he didn't really want to.

We all fuck up. But you won't ever be happy if you spend the rest of your life behaving badly towards others and saying 'but he did xyz first and that's why I'm like this'.

Do you honestly think you two could ever have a healthy and happy and trusting relationship now?

I don't. And I don't think you or him do either.

Put your kids first, end this madness and focus on coparenting.

i don't know is the answer to your q because to me if he wanted to do that he would have deleted her already. Whether it was after that night in 2017 or when he found out we were pregnant. Do you agree?

The question from @DBML wasn't whether he'd be happy to do it or whether he should / would / could have done it before.

The question was whether if he deleted it now YOU could move on.

And your answer means no, you wouldn't.

Hi op,

I think I do understand. You are so desperate to keep your husband, that you would probably be willing to stay in a marriage, where your whole life you’d know your husband loved another woman. The fact he was there day after day, unhappy or not, would be enough for you.

Your husband is not a possession to own op. And if you go down this route, you’ll forever have to control him and keep him in line, because you know he doesn’t want to be there of his own accord.

Please don’t do this to yourself. That’s such a miserable existence. I don’t say anything to be nasty, I think as an outsider, I can just see the long term misery this will cause for both of you and eventually your children.