OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

SandyY2K I know he'd go off the rails if I took him/them away. I wouldn't do that. I said it that night because I had just discovered an emotional affair

Then tell him this truthfully and give him the choice to leave or commit to the marriage.

You both really need an honest, non confrontational discussion. What does he want? Can he be happy in the marriage? If so, what needs to change and vice versa.

All feelings laid out. Accept the feedback without becoming defensive or accusatory. Don't counter attack....just listen.

You can't carry on like this.

Please don’t take this the wrong way , have you ever been on the wrong side of a controlling relationship ?
Many years ago , before my DH came along I was engaged to a lovely man . We moved in together , at first things were great . Slowly I noticed that he was becoming more jealous and controlling . If I went out ,he questioned where I was going , who I was going with . When I got home he wanted to know who I had talked too , who had been there , why I was home 39 mins later than I said I would be .
He told me I wore too much make up when I was going shopping and I should wear less .If I looked out the window whilst we were in the car , he would make comments like ‘why are you looking at that guy, etc ‘ when I wasn’t looking at anything .
At the start of our relationship I thought he was the best thing ever , after 3 years I was RUNNING for the exit . That wasn’t even including me being put on curfew ( he never went that far )
To be with someone who polices your actions to such an extent , well ,,,,,it breaks you, makes you feel helpless and worthless .
Your husband has behaved very badly , and it would serve him right if you left and took your children . That said , I’m really sorry , but (you seem to be looking for honesty here). I feel a bit bad for him . You have said yourself you have pushed the idea of this baby no2 on to hIm , knowing that he wasn’t really enthusiastic at the thought .
You want him to finish with OW, and have nothing more to do with her from this point on . However by trying to control him , not letting him out of your sight , giving him a curfew etc , you are making her an ever more attractive option .. He may be resenting the fact that he is in a place where , he very possibly , really does not want to be , a place where if he does not comply with your demands he will be punished by seeing his son on a part time basis . The OW will be there comforting him , confirming him all the Negative things he may be feeling .
You have to ask yourself , are you happy being with a man who very possibly is with you out of fear of the consequences, rather than a genuine love and desire to be with you .
I’m sorry , I’m not trying to be hard on you . Think you need to try really hard, not to try to control him . Also, it will make it less likely he will open up to you ,when you have the discussion , for fear of further sanctions against him .
You can’t make someone love you , you can’t keep them faithful if they don’t want to be . The good news is You can control your own destiny . You think about what you want, the life you want . Don’t worry about him , worry about you and your children xx

@Dontletitbeyou I'm going to go and read this quietly somewhere. Thank you

@SandyY2K we are going to talk. I just thought maybe because he didn't say no to this second baby that maybe this is what he wants. But it's clear it's not

I do totally get that your upset , anxious and the hormones will be running riot now anyway .
Just please take care of yourself . You are responsible for that little one . The stress that you are going through can’t be good for either of you . He’s big enough to take care of himself , and it seems taking care if himself is something he excels at .
Put yourself first , you and your child/ children . They need a healthy mum . Listen to your gut , not his words .
Take card of yourself xx

@Cupcakesaregood if you stay with him can you live with the fact that he is only there because he doesn't want the kids to come from a broken home and that there will always be 3 people in your marriage? There is always the chance that she will find out about your 2nd baby and leave him like she has apparently threatened to do and then he will be back where you want him. If you can live that way for the next 18-20 years for the sake of your children then good luck to you. If not then you know deep down what you realistically need to do.

Hi @Preggers86 I know. I'm just trying to focus on every little aspect of this situation at the time. I'm trying to figure out what you mentioned. You're right I think he's terrified of losing her and he won't know how to tell her. That doesn't mean he's happy with me if anything it's the opposite. And that's why I've been focusing on that stupid number because if he didn't care, he wanted to move forward with us and our marriage he'd cut this third person out. He would have cut her out a long time ago. I don't know if you saw before because I can't remember but he hates confrontation and that's what I meant when I said if anything it would make his life easier to get rid of it because then he wouldn't have to tell her. And yes of course it would make my life easier too

Op.
I think your husband has shown an element of commitment to you. He’s stayed for his children. But I also think he’s made it clear to you, that he’s not there for you. He’s ‘buried’ his feelings.

He basically told you that he’s in love with someone else...but he’s staying with you for the sake of the children.

He’s hoping one day, perhaps when the children are old enough, he can be with the ow. You are not his future. He is tolerating this. Eventually he will leave. The ow also represents his freedom and he’s not going to give that up.

I’m really sorry, but you can’t make him love you. It looks as though you might be able to make him stay for the time being though. He’s not pretending anymore though is he. He doesn’t care that you know he’s unhappy with you.

You are not going to grow old with this man by the looks of it. But you still have choices.
You can separate now, let him be a good dad and be a 30 year old woman free to meet a lovely man who will be a great husband. Or you can drag this out for another god knows how many years, prolonging the pain and growing older.

Come on op! You know you aren’t happy! How can you be if you have to control your husband and force him to be with you? You owe it to yourself to start enjoying life! You deserve to enjoy life and I know it’s hard and probably feels a little embarrassing, but a failed marriage doesn’t make you a failure...it just means you grew differently. A happy life is out there is you give yourself the chance.

Let him leave.
Let him be a good dad (and give you the weekend off).
Go and find happiness.

@dbml doesn't it mean anything that he's stopped speaking at the moment though (and yes I do believe this please don't ask why I just do)

@SandyY2K we are going to talk. I just thought maybe because he didn't say no to this second baby that maybe this is what he wants

I hope your talk is fruitful.

You said he didn't say no because you made his life miserable until he said yes. Think about it.

@SandyY2K do you think that's what he meant when he said 'there are things going on which means trouble for me' he meant about us having this second baby

doesn't it mean anything that he's stopped speaking at the moment though

It means he's scared to mention the pregnancy, for fear she'll leave him and he doesn't want that....she's his escape from a miserable marriage at the moment.

Could also be that he's on such a tight leash, he can't find the time to talk to her.

@SandyY2K I used to think she was just an escape and when he said he had stopped speaking to her I took that as him not needing the escape anymore

@Cupcakesaregood

No, it doesn’t mean anything because it’s probably not the truth.

Or he may have just resigned himself to the fact that’s it, the ow will leave. He’s stuck. But that’s not love. That’s not him choosing you. That’s not happiness nor sustainable. That’s trapped. That’s misery. You can’t grow together from this. It’s awful.

I know you’re scared. Controlling people are usually frightened of losing something. But you’ve lost him. People break up every day though and go on to find happiness they didn’t know existed. That could be you.

@SandyY2K I used to think she was just an escape and when he said he had stopped speaking to her I took that as him not needing the escape anymore

3 years - she’s more than an escape.

@SandyY2K do you think that's what he meant when he said 'there are things going on which means trouble for me' he meant about us having this second baby

It's possible.

If I was you, I'd look at the things you know to be true on all this.

I would like to say, that you've been very brave in admitting how controlling you are. A lot of controlling people just don't see it and could never admit it.

I don't know if your husband has any feelings left for you at all...but I think if he did...then him hearing you accept your faults would go a long way.

Marriage counselling would be a good idea.

That's only if he isn't filled with resentment towards you though...the damage may already be done.

Op, people aren’t saying this stuff to hurt you.

Yes, you’re controlling. Yes, you’ve used your children as weapons to keep him. Yes, you’ve tried to trap him in your relationship...but...you’re only human and you still deserve to be with someone who loves you and who doesn’t make you feel like you have to behave this way.

At least see a counsellor to help you through this. I think you feel that you need to present an image to people...it would be nice for you to have someone to talk to honestly 💐

SandyY2K I used to think she was just an escape and when he said he had stopped speaking to her I took that as him not needing the escape anymore

But he never stopped speaking to her. And what changed in your marriage that you think he didn't need an escape anymore?

You became more controlling...in fact this is every reason he needed even more of an escape. Your behaviour is pushing them even closer

What is it about you, that thinks all this is okay? Is it low self esteem? Fear of being a single parent? Or not meeting someone else who would tolerate this?

Something is making you be this controlling....that's what you need to find out and start making changes....let the cards fall where they will.

And if you don’t have counselling with your DH (and maybe even if you do), please seek counselling on your own, when you can, ad that might help you process your thoughts

@SandyY2K that we found out we were pregnant. He was barely on his phone please believe me when I say this I truely believe he stopped speaking to her. But instead of stopping speaking to her because he doesn't need her, I think it's because he's scared to tell her

You need to have a conversation with your husband. Ask him what he wants. Don’t threaten him with the children - you need to know how he truly feels.

Then book yourself a counselling session. You can get through this.

Or maybe, when you both found out you were pregnant the 2nd time around, he told her and she told him she wanted no more contact. And so they don't speak anymore, but he still has her number in case she changes her mind...

Not sure why everyone assumes she doesn't know and not talking to her was his call...

@deepwater

Sounds plausible

@DBML apologies if this is a stupid question but if that were the case why bother keeping the number?

apologies if this is a stupid question but if that were the case why bother keeping the number?

Because he doesn't want to 'cut the cord', because he wants to contact her sooner or later, when the time is right. Also, he might feel that now that 'you have taken her away' from him with this pregnancy, he won't let you take away her number.

'No matter what they take from me. They can't take away my dignity...'

Particularly if the 'no contact' thing was not his choice, it would make sense for him to hold on to her number.