OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

@deepwatersolo and ok blocking/deleting might not change his feelings but surely it would be some sort of step which yes he should take himself and the fact he just hasn't

@Cupcakesaregood I am again not condoning your husbands behaviour or actions, but it seems as though he has gotten himself in an emotional affair because you may well not be attending to his emotional needs?

It is clear that a conversation between the two of you needs to take place, but I genuinely think it's best for it not to until you understand how your actions could have played a part in what's happening.

do you think that's why he holds onto her? Because she gives him some sort of happiness that he isn't getting here? The arguement we had that night he said fine I will just bury my feelings for her

Possibly. Who knows what he sees in her. Him feeling controlled by you surely did not help. You will not be able to change his feelings for her, to which he has now apparently confessed. Let him go. This is no way to live.

My friend said something also and I was wondering what you take was on it. Yes it was upsetting to hear but my friend is one of these non sugar coaters. I said well they aren't speaking right now and she said that doesn't matter. Even if that's true and they aren't speaking at the moment, she is still in his life because she is still in his phone

@Cupcakesaregood Everyone is pretty much telling you having the number in his phone is wrong, etc. Why do you keep on deflecting away from what your actions have done to this relationship?

I said well they aren't speaking right now and she said that doesn't matter. Even if that's true and they aren't speaking at the moment, she is still in his life because she is still in his phone.

No. She is still in his life because she is still in his heart. He told you as much yesterday.

@deepwatersolo sorry for the confusion he told me the bury feelings back in 2017

Does burying feelings work?

No, good or bad, it's clearly something you have been trying to do for years, which is now causing you to act the way you are. What he has done is wrong but you need to look yourself in the mirror if you want this to get better or let him go

Ah ok. Why not ask him how that has succeeded?

SandyY2K do you think that's why he holds onto her?
Because she gives him some sort of happiness that he isn't getting here? The arguement we had that night he said fine I will just bury my feelings for her*

He holds onto her because he has feelings for her/enjoys how she makes him feel.

You know he's not happy with you and it's like you're holding him hostage and taking advantage of the fact that he doesn't want his children to suffer.

If you were reasonable, then your son wouldn't notice any difference, because 2 homes would have been all he knew.

Of course he can't just bury his feelings for her. They will always be there. Your dominance is really not okay.

I have to agree that I I feel sorry for him. I don't know why he doesn't have the gumption to stand up to you, but then again, that's how controlling/abusive relationships can be.

The only thing is that it's more often women who are controlled like this.

As for the OW, shell either feel more sorry for hi I'm or decide she doesn't want what could be seen as such a 'weak man's in her life.

H: well believe me it wouldn't be up to me. You don't understand what it's like

This screams out that it's you he's not happy with.

I can't say enough how you really need to do some self exploration. Work on why you think your behaviour is acceptable....confront your fears and deal with them, with the support of a counsellor. You may not realise how your behaviour will affect your kids but it will.

You'll get to the point that he actually hates you. Better to split amicably.

This is no way to live. I'll share a thread from another site with you via PM. The man had an affair and has left 5 years later....his wife is now begging and pleading. He couldn't take it anymore. He also stayed for the kids, but loved the OW according to him.
Don't end up like his BW.

@SandyY2K do you remember when we discussed before and I came to the realisation that the reason he has what I assume to be temporarily stopped speaking to her (I say temporarily because she is still there with no block) is because he won't want to tell her he's having another baby because she previously stated she'd leave. That's why he's being quiet with her isn't it. I'm starting to realise all of this

blocking/deleting might not change his feelings but surely it would be some sort of step

You're too focused on the wrong thing. Your whole marriage is troubled. She is not the issue.

@SandyY2K I'm focusing on one of the things because that number should be gone

@Cupcakesaregood I echo what @SandyY2K is saying. You are just using this woman to blame the problems in your marriage and that you both have as individuals.

For whatever reason he hasn't left, which means that whatever has gone on may be salvageable. That will stop being the case if you continue to blame and try to rationalise him having her number in his phone.

@Cupcakesaregood if he was to get rid of her number, would that be enough for you? If the answer is yes, which I sadly think would be the answer then it means you don't care about him, just about you getting what you want and maintaining your control, which btw is so unhealthy.

@PaulFrank6 it would show some sense of commitment by getting rid of it

He's not committed though so what difference does it make?

@SandyY2K I'm focusing on one of the things because that number should be gone

Frankly, I am starting to think that the actual reason you are obsessing about this number is that for the first time you could not control him and that bothers you to no end.
If you only could get him to delete that number, you'd know, you'd be in full control again and all would be good. No matter what he feels or does not feel.

This is not healthy. For both of you.

Ah PaulFrank, cross post.

Does burying feelings work?
Well considering the affair never ended, no it didn't work for him.

I mean some ppl can suppress their feelings...as in not act upon them....but the point is what are his feelings for you.

It sounds to me like you'd be okay if he suppressed his feelings for her and never contacted her again.....but remained with you and was miserable for the rest of his life?

That's why he's being quiet with her isn't it. I'm starting to realise all of this

That makes a lot of sense. He will not know how to tell her you're pregnant again. She'll probably dump him for good, because she won't believe he is true in his feelings towards her....because even if he does love her, he's staying where he wants to.

He could battle you in court if you withold custody...it could be years and years ..plus lots of money.

Eventually, your own children will see your character and they could decide when their older, it's dad (and the OW) they wish to live with. It's happened before you know....just be very very careful what you're doing here.

It's very unfair to place the responsibility of fixing your marriage on a newborn baby.

I feel sorry for both of you...you're desperately clinging on...but it's not right. I don't want to upset you...but you really need to think logically.

Counsellors are doing online work and taking on new clients atm too.

@SandyY2K but this is what I'm getting at. Surely if he's scared to tell her it would make his life easier to just get rid. And yes it would make my life easier to but he hasn't done that

it would show some sense of commitment by getting rid of it
Not really. There are many other ways of keeping in contact.

He might just be keeping the number and refusing to delete it, in the hope that you make the decision to end the marriage....because he's too scared to do it himself.

I will repeat... deleting the number means sweet ful all, when he doesn't care about you and is miserable.*

The sooner you stop obsessing and going round in circles about it, you might be able to focus on the real issue.

Ask yourself...why would you keep the number of someone you had an affair with, after your spouse found out?

Because you want to. Because, it's worth the risk.
Because it's an exit affair...but in his case he hasn't got the guts to end it, because you will make good of your threat and not let him see his son.

There's nowhere you've said you wouldn't do this if he left...I really believe you would do it... would you? Honestly?

@SandyY2K I know he'd go off the rails if I took him/them away. I wouldn't do that. I said it that night because I had just discovered an emotional affair

Surely if he's scared to tell her it would make his life easier to just get rid.

He could get rid...but he likes having her in his life. She brings him joy and he's probably scared of losing her.

Perhaps he'll just be hoping she'll forgive him. Believe you me OWs have forgiven much more than that. It depends on how deep her feelings are.

But can you see..it's not great that your husband's commitment is dependent on another woman's feelings?

And yes it would make my life easier to but he hasn't done that

Have you ever thought he doesn't want to make your life easier? He's probably hoping you've had enough and call time.

He doesn't care about your feelings. He cares about her feelings and hurting her. How do you feel that your pregnancy, which should be a time to celebrate, is surrounded by all this.

Have you thought that he could resent the baby (because of you) and struggle to bond with him/her?
Have you thought of how it will feel to that child when he has a great relationship with your eldest, but not with the other one, because he associates it with your bullying him into submission.

Please seek some help...or your worst fears and more will become a reality.