OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing do you not think I'm aware that it's becoming clearer that he has real feelings for the OW? Do you not think I don't get that?

I really do feel very sorry for, it's a horrible thing he has done to you. But only you can decide to call an end to it. He has already shown he is far too weak to do it and continues to treat you terribly.

I sincerely hope you find the strength to do right by your kids and mostly yourself. You are being treated terribly and children learn from their parents. If they see you being treated badly and it's fine, they will treat others that way.

He only agreed to another child to distract you. By giving you what you wanted meant that your attention and focus would be elsewhere allowing him to continue with his affair. Like other posters have said you need to stop focusing on the number. It is in there because he wants it to be, he has no intention of or ever has had any intention of ending the affair and deleting her. Yes he may put the coolers on whilst your on to him but the minute you turn your back and he thinks he is no longer under the microscope he will resume things. Do you believe that after all this time things haven't become physical between them. Regardless of what has happened between the two of you, he ultimately made his choice and ended your marriage when he chose to reconnect with her.

Now you need to focus on getting your head together and leaving him if only for your future sanity.

@Preggers86 I know. I think I've been trying to explore any other possibility other than the one it likely is. Does he not care enough to delete her? Has he forgotten about her? Has he just kept it there for no reason at all? And deep down I know they are all ridiculous. I do know that. I know I need to speak to him, we are just trying to make things ok for our son right now

OP
I’m truly sorry you in this mess,
But I feel you need to be straight and look after yourself and little ones
Put YOU first
I bet your still
Sleeping with him, cooking for him, ironing and washing clothes for him
Nothing as changed for him

Honest answer and it might hurt you
Do you honestly think he as only just been TEXTING her for 2.5-3 yrs ???
Not a chance, ask yourself would you spend that long texting a guy and not want to meet them??? I bet it’s NO
It’s not just an emotional affair
I’m so sorry.

You son is 2.5- 3 yrs old,your playing happy families for your son? He won’t have a clue
Your driving yourself batshit crazy with the who/why/when questions

Honestly I know, I’ve been there.
I had a 4 yr old son, he went off with ow
You don’t want to rock the boat anymore, because your scared. Your live will never be the same, you’ll be a single mum, what will people think.
Where will I live, how can I afford too mortgage/rent this house. Etc etc
Been there got the tee shirt, and bags under my eyes from crying and no sleep
He says things and you analysis them
Over & over

Few questions
Does he go out at night or home late
Does he work away sometimes
Does he ever come up with last minute plans

Do you work
Is house rented or mortgaged

@granadagirl this is going to give me hassle but I actually don't let him go out. That's how bad the trust is

@granadagirl and yes he knows I watch him on WhatsApp. Yes I've been controlling since I found out that first time

Awh love, you need to sit down tonight with him and tell him what YOU want from a marriage
If he can’t give you that, I’m sorry he needs to go
For your health

Your anxiety will get worse
I know, as I have anxiety too (horrible)
I’m a lot older & wiser than you, and this is what I’d be telling my son to do

OP, you're going to make yourself ill. You have had some great advice on this thread.

I agree with others in that I think he has been seeing her all this time. I really think that you need to take stock and make some plans for yourself, or give yourself some kind of safety net. What would you do if he took the decision out of your hands and left you?

Yes, you made a mistake in threatening to block contact with your child and then again in getting pregnant again but those things have already happened. You have a lovely child and another on the way. It would be a big mistake to sweep ut all under the carpet. It's been what, less than a week that you found the hidden number and started this thread and you seem close to breaking point, tying yourself in knots and reaching for explanations. You are being ground down at a time when you are already vulnerable. I wish you could step out of yourself and take the blinkers off.

This is no way to live op. Do you know how wonderful a loving, trusting relationship can be?

Right now you are trying to prevent him cheating and yet he’s still finding ways to get around it. He knows how much this has devastated you...has he been begging for your for forgiveness all day?

He’s expecting that you’ll back down. That you won’t have the confidence to leave him. He knows you will do anything to keep him...even turn a blind eye to his indiscretions. He will palm you off with ‘we’re not talking now’ and then carry on regardless.

He sees your weaknesses and instead of protecting you and taking care of you, he’s exploiting them.

You deserve better and you will find someone better, if you give yourself the chance to.

@granadagirl thank you for being kind. I know I'm just waiting to get Easter out the way. I know the reason he's kept her number and I know he must care about her. I'm just asking questions because I am anxious. I do watch him on WhatsApp I barely let him out of site when he's in the house. It's all such a mess. Our marriage hasn't been good for a long time I just thought because he agreed to number 2..in the back of my mind there has always been a niggle and I thought right well IF he has her number now would be the perfect and easiest time for him to get rid as we are having another baby. But I'm realising now it's not happiness

Sorry OP but he is a scumbag.

If he REALLY didn't want another baby then he wouldn't have had sex with you. He wants everything. i never say this but definitely LTB

Hi @Livpool we've still been having sex even though we are unhappy

Sorry everyone. Am aware of how crude my previous post sounds - but people who are in unhappy marriages do still go through the motions and have sex

Op I have been in your situation it’s hard he deleted and blocked her to please you but carried on being in contact with her. You won’t see messages because he will become sneaky and delete them instantly my dh deleted her number and blocked her I found her number hidden in his wallet then hidden in his work diary then he found out he didn’t need to secretly write it down he could access it on her Facebook page even though they aren’t friends. I like you think everything ok then find out he’s still been in contact with her despite everything and all the hurt he’s caused

Hi @Alfiemoon1 so sorry this has happened to you. Please may I ask what's happened now?

Why do you want to stay with him?

@1smallhamsterfoot honestly? Because I've been with him so long and we have a child/soon to be children

If you were to describe your marriage as 'ok' and 'ok because of the kids' - that's not a glowing reference is it

If he didn't want a second child he wouldn't have agreed to it. He would know that ties him to you for longer.

Your latest posts make you sound controlling and that's not at all healthy. You say you don't let him out....you're creating a really bad environment for both of you.

That will simply make him more resentful of you and he'll be rebellious. He could meet her during the daytime (pre lockdown) while he was meant to be at work.

If you think controlling his evening movements will stop his infidelity, it won't. In fact it will make him closer to his OW and she will see you as the person ruining his life and the obstacle to their happiness.

It's becoming increasingly clear that something needs to change. He's not happy with you.....it seems like he's with you out of fear or something.

He could stay with you for another 10/15/20 years even... if he leaves then, finding a new woman will be easy for him....even a much younger one.

Meanwhile, you will find it much more difficult to move on. I would want to get out of this, while I have age on my side....or you'll just end up bitter and miserable when you see him having a good life.

Apologies @SandyY2K but you begin your post saying that he will want this baby because it ties him to me yet then say he is unhappy? I do realise I pushed the second baby idea and I believe he went along with it but not because it ties us together because if he wanted our child to tie us together surely he'd have cut all this out by now

The fact he changed the name for her number after you found out last time tells you all you need to know. I wouldn't trust him an inch.

@SandyY2K and yes I have been controlling recently I admit that

Did he work @Cupcakesaregood? Because if he did, I hate to tell you, but he had ample opportunities to physically cheat. I have known men secretly book annual leave to be with the ow, men who have used sex workers on their way to and from work and in their lunch breaks, he could have told work he had a medical appointment, or needed to leave early to pick your child up
Etc etc etc...where there’s a will there’s a way

I'm saying if he BBC really is didn't want another baby he wouldn't have agreed or gone ahead with it. That doesn't mean he hates you...but it could still be he's unhappy in the marriage.

I know women who have gone on to have a second and third child when the relationship was awful...just so they didn't have different dads.

Though it's usually women who do it, men have done it too. They would rather have one mother of their kids to deal with than two and they have children who are 2 siblings. It can be messy having multiple mothers to deal with...and it means your children will struggle to build a sibling bond, when the father is the common parent.

When the mother is the common parent, the bond can be like full siblings and often is.

So...yes he could want another child or not be against having one, which is no indication that its because he loves you.

I hope that explains it better.