OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

They've been having an affair for years OP, what was it 2017? he won't remove her number or stop seeing her, and bet he' leading a double life.
I'd be getting rid pretty damn quick, telling him you're going for a std check.
It won't be an emotional affair after all this time.

Have I been really stupid to think maybe he has stopped for good? You guys can say yes maybe it's what I need to hear if it's the truth. My friend that I've confided in said if it's for good she'd be gone. The number wouldn't even be there because why should it be if it were over

I don’t believe he has stopped OP. Not after 3 years(?) and only mentioned it after you found out.

I wouldn’t worry about creating an impression on social media, either. People are quite wrapped up in themselves and I’d be surprised if people noticed you hadn’t been on for a day.

@BunnytheBee no bunny..I mean I've been all over it, liking anything to do with happy posts and pregnancy pictures of friends who are in actual happy relationships. I don't know why I'm doing this, maybe to give off some sort of an impression

Hi there, new to this thread but is there anyway you can access his cell phone records? If you can? Check under usage airtime and messages? I can see on my sons who he messages etc I don’t know if that helps? I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Hi @Justtheonemorethen24 as far as I know it's all been on WhatsApp. That's how I knew it was still her in his contacts, under different name but her photo

Hi op hope you and your son are having a good day. Can you just clarify something for me? I've been reading the thread but just wanted you to confirm the time that has passed from you first finding out until you found out again? X

@DBML
You are right. If he was happy he wouldn’t be doing this. He wouldn’t have her number.
But it’s not that he’s not happy with you...he’s just not a happy man and he probably will never be a happy man, because he’s not ever going to be satisfied with what he has. Xx

THIS ^^

Spot on.

Hi @Preggers86 I found out Christmas/NY 2017 - found one message since around summer of this year but wasn't a saved number so I stuck my head in the sand. Looked at his phone a couple of nights ago to find no messages but she is in his contacts just under a different name. On WhatsApp so I saw her photo next to male name. Hope this helps x

I think so. It’s in the OP. I believe OP saw something on WhatsApp in her first pregnancy and her DH said he blocked her...

Yeah, Bunny, but that was during or shortly after pregnancy 1 if I remember correctly. The 'I'm in trouble' message was while planning for baby 2.

Ok, OP, so you didn't and don't know that this 'trouble' message was to her, though it does seem to fall into place, in hindsight.

I hope I'm not too intrusive, OP, but I think, you subconsciously felt that if your partner agreed to baby number 2 that would implicitly mean he 'chooses you', also committing emotionally 100%, rendering the other woman totally irrelevant to him. And now you realize, he did not 'hold up his end of the bargain'. And th number in his phone symbolizes that (as others have said, you could make him delete it 100 times, there will always be other ways, and even if there were not, he might still secretly pine for her. So it is really just a symbol. And that is why you get so hung up about it).

Yes @deepwatersolo you're right. To me it's not a number, to me it represents her because that number is her (hopefully that makes sense) yes that 'there are things going on that mean trouble for me' message I assume was about me wanting another baby because it was all my idea. And that's why I got so confused about the staying for the kids thing. I assumed you did that if you had one child but on reflection it seems people do it no matter how many they have so that was a naive view on my part. Yes I'm going to be honest. I felt like having another baby would make him stay more and she'd be gone

Sorry @deepwatersolo pressed send to quickly again - and yes that's why I thought when he said he hasn't spoke to her since we found out about number 2..but that's becoming clearer to me that's not a permanent thing

Good god. He doesn't value YOU or your FIRST baby. Why would this new baby be any different? He is walking all over you and ask you can clear is " but why hasn't he deleted her number?!" Like is the phone number that is the problem.

Your partner is cheating on you. The phone number doesn't matter a single bit.

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing thank you for your input. He is actually, despite everything - a really good dad. I'm not going to bash his parenting skills because our marriage isn't working. And actually the number does matter because there's no reason for it to be in his phone especially now

Yeah, Bunny, but that was during or shortly after pregnancy 1 if I remember correctly. The 'I'm in trouble' message was while planning for baby 2.

OK maybe I’m confused too.

I didn’t know that message was to her as I thought OP didn’t know know about the number still being there until now?

OP who was the “trouble” message to?

With that, if you don’t know who it was to and you don’t know what it was about, it could mean anything.

I've been watching him like a hawk since that night in December 2017

You know that feeling , where you are desperate to get the opportunity to check his phone , almost like an itch you need to scratch . The feeling of dread , where your stomach is churning , and your hands are shaking . That feeling where you try to look at the expression on their face as they open up a message , do they smile then try to cover it up . You see how happy your friends are with DH and feel a tinge of envy ( yes , been there myself )
If you stay with him ,(and that is your choice of course ) this will be your default emotional setting from this point on . Watching , waiting for the day to come where he will choose one of you . Consider making that choice for him , he’s broken your trust repeatedly , and if left to it , will continue to do so . Is this the life you want for yourself .

I think unfortunately this situation is clear as day to everyone posting here, you just need time to process the betrayal. Asking yourself why he has behaved like this will tie you in knots because it’s all guessing anyway. You may never get the truth from him. What you can do is rely on yourself and trust your assessments of the situation.

I hope that you find the confidence to kick him to the curb, because your self esteem will take much much more of a battering as the years go by, if you don’t knock this on the head now.

If he didn’t give enough of a fuck the first time you were pregnant why on earth would you being pregnant again mean anything? Open your eyes he’s gonna keep cheating on you for as long as you allow him to do it.

Hi @1smallhamsterfoot I know what I'm about to say sounds awful but our first pregnancy wasn't planned and we didn't find out until I was almost 6 months along. I thought maybe if we planned this one..I don't know what I was thinking yes I thought he might stop

@Cupcakesaregood thanks for clearing that up. Whilst reading the thread a question has been niggling away at me and I'm sorry if it upsets you but I want you to be honest in your answer as I think it may help you get some clarification and help you figure out what your next step is?

What do you think would of happened if you hadn't of given him the ultimatum of never seeing his child when you first found out?

Now I completely understand why you said that I think a lot of women probably would of done the same in your position and the question is in no way bashing you op. I just want you to look at the perspective of an outsider who isn't emotionally invested. I also apologise if I am repeating what previous posters have said.

Do you honestly think he stayed with you because thats what he wanted or purely because of the ultimatum? I believe he is a very selfish man who as a knee-jerk reaction to the unimaginable threat he was presented with panicked and did the only thing he could. He never has had any intention of cutting the ow out of his life, he has just been protecting himself. He said that he stopped talking to her when he found out you were pregnant, this means At some point between you raising a newborn into a toddler and agreeing to extend your family he has initiated contact with her and continued to betray you. Not once in the past 3 years has he sincerely thought about your feelings or respected you has his wife, his slyness demonstrates this. How long was the affair going on before you found out? Before you were married? After? If he has lied to you about stopping contact has he lied to you about the extent of the affair?

Even after all this time the ultimatum you gave is in the back of his mind whether you meant it or not and although he has been caught out again he is playing you by telling you what he thinks will protect him from losing his son and unborn child and not his wife or marriage.

Sorry you are going through this, I am around the same age as you with a yound baby and can't believe how strong and reserved you are being. I know I couldn't be like that, credit to you for holding it together for the sake of your son.

@Cupcakesaregood

His phone contains her phone number as he is very likely banging her brains out every chance he gets. At best, he is secretly in contact with her and telling her how much he doesn't love YOU and wants her. I am sorry to be harsh. But that is the truth. He doesn't love or respect you. Or your babies. And that makes him a shit dad.

Does that explain it to you?

Please, please.... get some self respect and dump his cheating are. I'm cringing at this for you. His behaviour has been truly shocking and you are minimising it at every turn while wringing your hands and crying " but WHY is her number in his phone?"

For cheating on you. That's why.

If you really want to know if he has contacted her, then look at the calls and texts on his mobile bill. Tell him you are going to search her phone number on google , find her on social media and message her.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know.

@Preggers86 thank you for your kind words. Im not being strong believe me I'm just trying to hold things together. If someone to ask how things are do you know what I'd say? I'd say things are ok and they are ok because of what we have. That's not a positive is it, or a glowing reference. What I said to him that night about never letting him see our unborn baby, was a knee jerk reaction, I was angry and upset. I do feel if we didn't have our son he would have left and now we have another on the way and I thought that would change things. I thought for a split second when he said 'I stopped speaking to her when we found out we were pregnant again' that it was truely over. But if that were the case, why is the number still in the phone? So do I think he has every intention of starting up again with her? Yes because why have the number of your emotional affair still in there

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing I feel like I pushed him into agreeing to have another baby

My god. This isn't about the baby. You really need to focus on the fact that you know he is only with you because

A- you used your baby as a tool to keep him married to you. ( that failed and he reinstated contact with her behind your back).

B- you are pregnant again. He knew you were trying but still got in touch with her. He only ended it ( if he has ended it at all) as you got pregnant.

He WILL get in touch with her again and reinstate their affair. Why wouldn't he? But I believe that they are still at it.

Check his phone records. Tell him you have her number and are going to get in touch with her.

But you won't do that because then you won't be able to deny the truth and live in your little bubble of denial. I feel really sorry for you. You come across as really meek and Deluded and I can't help but think that you are going to go through hell for years with this man. Twenty years from now you will still be sat going " but wwhhhhyyyy have you got her number on your phone?"

@IAmReportingYouForBBQing I actually suffer from anxiety which is why I repeat things. Thank you for your input.