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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:

Robin233 · 12/04/2020 14:09

One other thing.

The ow is not some amazing goddess that TV and romantic fiction would have us believe.

That the nag of a wife is a crazy person who won't let him go.

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 14:14

Hi @DBML happy Easter to you too - no it's just been lip service in front of our son. I've been able to process the following please feel free to tell me if you agree or not, your opinion is valued

if he was happy with me, the number would be off the phone
if he wanted to make it work with me, he'd get rid of the ow and close the door, leaving no opening for contact
there must be some sort of connection for the number to be in his phone still as considering we have just found out we are pregnant again, now would be the perfect opportunity to stop
him saying he stopped speaking when he found out we were pregnant isn't a permanent action otherwise he'd have pressed a button on the phone to get rid

OP posts:

DBML · 12/04/2020 14:17

I’m sorry you’re going through this truly.

Are you saying that he is refusing to delete the number and block?

Knowing his take on this will make advising you a little easier. Xx

DBML · 12/04/2020 14:18

By ‘refusing’ I mean he STILL hasn’t deleted?

Has he given you a reason for this?

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 14:18

@DBML we haven't discussed anythjng further wanted to keep Easter relatively peaceful for sons sake so we are doing the usual FaceTime to partners etc and putting a face on. It's ok feel free to comment on my points, any thoughts/advice is helping me

OP posts:

DBML · 12/04/2020 14:20

I completely understand. I would do the same too. You do what you have to for children.

So, do you actually know that he hasn’t deleted the number?

Again, just trying to figure out where you’re at.

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 14:25

@dbml No I don't know at this point, I haven't looked at his phone again

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 12/04/2020 14:27

To be honest I don't fully know or believe that he isn't speaking to her at the moment.

He could have told her he needs to lie low during lockdown and it would be difficult to be in touch. It also depends on what her situation is. Whether she's also married or has a partner....meaning her being in touch is difficult right now.

Ive heard from OWs who say that MM told them he needs to be careful as wife is suspicious and watching him like a hawk.

I actually remember one MM years ago, that his OW broke up with him on discovering his wife was pregnant...as he had told her they weren't sleeping together.

He was distraught.. he actually did love the OW, but didn't want to give half the assets to his wife and pay CS.

I know this is very hard for you, but why are you so sure this isn't a physical affair?

SandyY2K · 12/04/2020 14:28

Happy Easter to you as well.

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 14:31

Hi @SandyY2K that is the reason why I don't think he is speaking to her at the moment. I don't think he's said anything like we aren't sleeping together because at the end of the day we are all in our thirties we know married people sleep together happy or not. But what I do think..I do think he has a strong connection with her otherwise he'd have let her go completely. I think he is scared to tell her we are having another baby because I think he knows he will risk losing her. As I said he hates confrontation and he won't want to lose her..as painful as that is for me to say. Otherwise let's face it. He could avoid any confrontation with her by blocking and deleting her. I don't know if it's ever been physical, but when I read the messages the first time, he used words with her he's never used with me. I've been watching him like a hawk since that night in December 2017

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 12/04/2020 14:48

I don't think he's said anything like we aren't sleeping together because at the end of the day we are all in our thirties we know married people sleep together happy or not

You'd be surprised how often MM say they aren't sleeping with the wife....and even more surprised at how often the OW believes it.

What do you actually know about the OW?

While its very difficult, you need to bring the focus back to you. What kind of marriage do you want? What example of a relationship do you want to set for your children?
Do you want to continue watching him like a hawk?

Sometimes, we need to accept that we can't get what we want from our spouse. It just depends how much of a dealbreaker it is for you.

Some women will accept anything, as long as he comes home to her every night...they turn a blind eye to infidelity for their own reasons.

One thing in life is that you can't change anyone else.
Deleting a number and blocking it means absolutely nothing, if you have the desire and the means to remain in contact.

There are so many apps to communicate on secretly, which don't leave a trace.

He has to have the commitments to want to be fully in your marriage...it doesn't sound like he does.

simplekindoflife · 12/04/2020 14:51

Keep an eye on that phone OP.

Check Instagram messages and Facebook Messenger too.

Also there's an archive folder in WhatsApp so keep an eye on that too. What's his profile photo of?

Does he have email? Have you looked on Facebook at her profile? Is she single?

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 14:59

@SandyY2K agreed there's no way you'd just leave the number in there. She's single same age. We don't have any mutual friends so she wouldn't find out the news any other way. No fb

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 15:12

I've just remembered. One of the messages I found from around the time I told him I wanted us to have another baby - it said from him 'there are things going on that mean trouble for me'

OP posts:

DBML · 12/04/2020 15:14

This ow, does he know her in real life? Does he actually get to see her...or is it more of an internet thing?

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 15:16

@DBML if he didn't know her in real life he must me really inlove with her to carry this on for this amount of time...I think I know who it is..I believe she worked on a project with him but doesn't work for his company

OP posts:

deepwatersolo · 12/04/2020 15:30

Wait, you knew they were in contact at the time you were planning baby 2? And still went for it?

Why didn‘t it bother you then that they were in contact?

Did I miss something?

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 15:32

I saw this message and then buried my head in the sand and I started sporadically checking his phone, her number wasn't even in his contacts and now it is it was just that one message (that I saw) but yes that was obviously about us trying for another baby. I'm upset because that shows me that it definitely was more me than him that wanted this

OP posts:

IAmReportingYouForBBQing · 12/04/2020 15:36

My god op you are just repeating the same thing over and over and I'm sorry but look at facts.

He tells other people that he doesn't love you. ( which means he doesn't love you).

The threat of not seeing his child made no difference, he carried on seeing the other woman.

He doesn't want to tell her you are pregnant. Which means he cares more about her feelings than yours. Because they have been having sex behind your back. Christ, for all you know SHE could be pregnant and that's why he doesn't want to tell her.

You seem to believe that your babies are some sort of rare currency. That this pregnancy will give him something to stay for. It won't. He doesn't want you out to live with you. He cares for her more than he cares for you and as ll the evidence backs this up.

He doesn't respect you.

He doesn't love you.

He really isn't arsed about being a dad.

He is a scum bag of the highest order.

BunnytheBee · 12/04/2020 15:37

Did I miss something?

I think so. It’s in the OP. I believe OP saw something on WhatsApp in her first pregnancy and her DH said he blocked her but she had since found OW in his phone as a contact but under a different name.

How are you feeling OP? Do you have plans to confront him?

BarbedBloom · 12/04/2020 15:38

Sorry but I agree with the person above. He doesn't love you, he likely has feelings for her.

DBML · 12/04/2020 15:38

Ah! Got you.

You’d be surprised! My friends husband left his family for a woman he met on FB! He moved 400 miles to be with her 😡

Ok. Well, op, your husband is treating you appallingly. He is almost expecting you to tolerate his emotional affair. I think he wants you both. He wants his family and his excitement. He is willing to tell you both what you want to hear.

I think that when you found the number the second time around, he knew there was no point denying. So he tried to make out that it was done...that when you fell pregnant he ended it.

You’re quite right to sense this is bollocks. In the circumstances, that was the best excuse he could come up with. He’s likely hoping you’ll believe that and let it go now.

The truth is probably that he has not stopped talking to her and will not stop talking to her.
She is doing wonders for his ego. She is the escape from boring family life.

If you leave him, they will probably end up together. But then she will become the boring day to day life and he will again look for excitement elsewhere.

You are right. If he was happy he wouldn’t be doing this. He wouldn’t have her number.
But it’s not that he’s not happy with you...he’s just not a happy man and he probably will never be a happy man, because he’s not ever going to be satisfied with what he has. Xx

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 15:38

Hi @BunnytheBee happy Easter. Yes I'm going to, just trying to keep things ok at home for our sons sake right now

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 15:41

Sorry @DBML I don't mean to be confusing my heads just a mess. You're right I think he's stopped speaking to her for just now (which isn't good enough) that's why I've been repetitive because I wanted to make sure that other people thought the same as me that if it were over he'd get completely rid just because my head is a mess and isn't thinking straight. I've never meant to repeat things thank you for your honesty

OP posts:

Original poster

Cupcakesaregood · 12/04/2020 15:42

I've even found myself on social media today liking anything and everything to do with friends being pregnant, happy posts, just to give off an impression

OP posts:

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