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Original poster

Husband getting too involved with a colleague

138 replies

Olympiad80 · 07/04/2020 20:07

Name changed for this.

My husband is a team leader at work with a small number of direct reports. At the moment, they're obviously all working from home, which seems to be going well for the majority of the team, but there's one person who is apparently struggling. This is a woman who's a bit older than my husband and me. She's told him that she suffers from anxiety and depression, she lives alone, and she doesn't have any family around, and she's not coping very well with lockdown.

My husband is now phoning or Skyping her every day to check in on her and catch up on her work plan. We live in a small house so sometimes I can't help overhearing his side of the conversation - he seems to spend a lot of time laughing and joking, so obviously she's managing to function well enough to have a lighthearted chat.

I've heard from a mutual colleague of theirs that this woman has a bit of a crush on my husband, but he's always been oblivious to that sort of thing, and I don't think he realises. I'm concerned that she is playing on his sympathies and he's opening himself up to future problems as her boss. He is a very kind-hearted, open person and a lonely, vulnerable woman might misinterpret that and think it means something more.

I'm not worried that he's going to go off and have an affair with her or anything, just that she could cause him problems if she gets the idea he returns her feelings. Should I say something to him?

OP posts:

Isleepinahedgefund · 07/04/2020 20:27

I think your husband is doing exactly what a responsible line manager should do for a vulnerable employee.

Wanderlust21 · 07/04/2020 20:31

I would just join in on the chat. 'Hello husband, here's your tea darling mwah,sit on his lap. Oh hello Sharon, my husband mentioned you were having a tough time of it on your own, I fo hope you're doing ok'. Ect

Wanderlust21 · 07/04/2020 20:33

But also I would ask him to cut it down to twice a week or so just to 'check in' as every day is a bit much and yeah she could get the wrong idea.

Lynda07 · 07/04/2020 20:35

I think your husband is absolutely doing the right thing and the 'mutual colleague' is unkind to gossip.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 07/04/2020 20:36

I would just join in on the chat. 'Hello husband, here's your tea darling mwah,sit on his lap. Oh hello Sharon, my husband mentioned you were having a tough time of it on your own, I fo hope you're doing ok'. Ect

Please don't do this! It would make your DH look incredibly unprofessional.

He's being a sensitive and good manager for an employee having a hard time. There is no way to object to that without sounding a bit crazy, because you're being a bit crazy. We all are, really, at the moment so no judgement - but don't say anything!

theemmadilemma · 07/04/2020 20:36

In that situation I would also spend time chatting non work and laughing and joking with employee. It's part of ensuring they are ok.

HeyDuggeewhatchadoin · 07/04/2020 20:37

It's his work and he's working from home, it's none of your business.
Do not interrupt his work phone calls, that would be totally inappropriate and he could get in trouble.
The best you can do is tell him that you know this woman has a crush and to think he needs to be a bit less chatty with her.

Honeyroar · 07/04/2020 20:37

Some people are struggling with the loneliness of this lockdown because they live alone. I have thousands of colleagues and we have a Facebook page. Those living in flats on their own are having a totally different experience to myself - who has a smallholding that’s keeping me busy and my husband at home plus two dogs following me around. So if you trust your husband why would this really bother you.

kaldefotter · 07/04/2020 20:39

I think your husband is doing exactly what a responsible line manager should do for a vulnerable employee.

Absolutely this.

Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 07/04/2020 20:40

Make him aware of your concerns. Suggest that he distances himself by maybe reducing the phonecalls and replacing some of them with emails? That way he checks in every day but in a less personal way.

theemmadilemma · 07/04/2020 20:40

@Wanderlust21 WTAF?

Don't do that.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2020 20:42

If the goal is to make your husband and yourself look like absolute fuckwits, definitely do this.

Devlesko · 07/04/2020 20:43

No, this is not a line managers job, it's HR, or a higher manager.
Tell him to pack it in, is he contacting all the others the same.

Timeandtune · 07/04/2020 20:44

I don’t think your husband is doing anything wrong- just the reverse. There’s no management handbook for these uncertain times.
I am very worried about my team. They have all responded differently to the new situation- some have had symptoms, some have had partners laid off, and some live alone.
I have adapted to meet their needs and offer whatever support they need to get through this. You should be proud of your husband.

Original poster

Olympiad80 · 07/04/2020 20:48

Of course I trust him, but I'm concerned for his career if she latches onto him in the absence of any other support, especially if he's inadvertently encouraging her. I accept that he has to check how she's doing with her work, but I don't see why the circumstances of her personal life are his responsibility. He's the sort of person who worries about everyone else but doesn't think about how it might look.

Obviously I'm not going to go and sit on his knee while he's on a video call . I'm not trying to "warn her off" or mark my territory.

OP posts:

hellywelly3 · 07/04/2020 20:48

I think he sounds like a lovely manager, be proud of him.

Helmlover1 · 07/04/2020 20:49

It sounds as though your husband is a thoughtful, responsible manager who cares about his staff. Someone on my team at work has mental health issues and my manager does something similar for her.

I disagree with previous posters who are suggesting your husband reduces his calls or switches communication to emails instead- that would be interfering with his work matters and he could potentially get into trouble for not following correct protocol and procedures.

Take a step back OP.

Aerial2020 · 07/04/2020 20:50

Could he check in her without having to use Skype all the time?
Maybe Skype once/twice a week and email/text everyday instead.
Seem right he keeps an eye on vulnerable employees but does it have to be face to face so much.
But then depends on how he manages his team and their relationship/friendship. Maybe he feels it's the right thing to do to Skype to check she's ok.

forrasee · 07/04/2020 20:52

I think your husband is doing exactly what a responsible line manager should do for a vulnerable employee.

This is exactly right. Get over it OP.

And wanderlust that is an absurd reaction and suggestion. Grow up.

Fairenuff · 07/04/2020 20:55

The managers I work with are all going the extra mile to keep in touch with colleagues who are self isolating, working from home or otherwise lonely or vulnerable. It's very important and responsible. He sounds like a good 'un.

Original poster

Olympiad80 · 07/04/2020 21:01

Do people think it's even kind for him to do things that she might misinterpret, though? I imagine she's spending a lot of time alone with her thoughts at the moment, and if she wants to see meaning in him choosing to call her every day, she would probably have enough "evidence". As I said in my OP, their chats always sound very upbeat, and I do wonder if she's played the whole thing up to get extra sympathy.

OP posts:

Brenna24 · 07/04/2020 21:02

You should be proud of him. He is being a good manager. I personally think that it is a manager's job not HR's as a prior poster suggested. If the other colleagues aren't struggling then he has no reason to call them to the same frequency, so it isn't bad that he is calling her more than the others.

HugoSpritz · 07/04/2020 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DBML · 07/04/2020 21:10

Perhaps just say something along the lines of:

‘Dh, I hope Sharon is ok. I think it’s lovely you’re making the effort to keep her positive. Just be aware that she could end up developing feelings or others might feel its preferential treatment. I am proud that you treat your staff so well though.’

Those might not quite be the right words but you’ve then made your point about the professionalism side of things.

To be honest though, he’s an adult and a professional and he’s bound to know. The laughing and joking is fine. He’s not secretive, so I wouldn’t worry.

YRGAM · 07/04/2020 21:17

Don't say anything to him, you will make yourself look insecure and totally ignorant of what managerial roles involve. He is being a good and responsible boss. Please don't listen to some of the ridiculous suggestions upthread from people (sit on his lap?!?) who by the sounds of it have never set foot in a workplace.

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