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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband getting too involved with a colleague

138 replies

Olympiad80 · 07/04/2020 20:07

Name changed for this.

My husband is a team leader at work with a small number of direct reports. At the moment, they're obviously all working from home, which seems to be going well for the majority of the team, but there's one person who is apparently struggling. This is a woman who's a bit older than my husband and me. She's told him that she suffers from anxiety and depression, she lives alone, and she doesn't have any family around, and she's not coping very well with lockdown.

My husband is now phoning or Skyping her every day to check in on her and catch up on her work plan. We live in a small house so sometimes I can't help overhearing his side of the conversation - he seems to spend a lot of time laughing and joking, so obviously she's managing to function well enough to have a lighthearted chat.

I've heard from a mutual colleague of theirs that this woman has a bit of a crush on my husband, but he's always been oblivious to that sort of thing, and I don't think he realises. I'm concerned that she is playing on his sympathies and he's opening himself up to future problems as her boss. He is a very kind-hearted, open person and a lonely, vulnerable woman might misinterpret that and think it means something more.

I'm not worried that he's going to go off and have an affair with her or anything, just that she could cause him problems if she gets the idea he returns her feelings. Should I say something to him?

OP posts:
Snowymascot · 07/04/2020 21:17

Evidence of what???? He is speaking to her every day about work and he is just talking to her, you are in the same house and can hear what is being said. Has your husband ever had anything happened to him before with a colleague as I don’t understand why you would think this? Are you sure it’s not your own insecurities that’s making you feel this way? X

Wanderlust21 · 07/04/2020 21:19

'Grow up'? Really?

How is it immature to show affection to your husband? Ok maybe a little unprofessional but she's calling him at HOME every day, surely she knows his wife might pop in from time to time! And that he has told her about why this woman needs to phone him every day to blether.

I'm not saying necessarily be as brazen about it as I gave in the example but there would be nothing wrong with op popping in and letting her see her face. It certainly isn't an immature suggestion.

YRGAM · 07/04/2020 21:24

It is an immature suggestion. I would be MORTIFIED if my oh did that while I was on a call to a colleague or member of my team, regardless of the reason.

YRGAM · 07/04/2020 21:25

I should clarify, if the intention was 'to show their face'. Obviously it will happen from time to time naturally

Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar · 07/04/2020 21:25

Sometimes it's okay to care about other colleagues. I've been chatting with mine every other day. If you show you are cross he might stop telling you information and then that wouldn't be good. I can see it from both sides.

carlywurly · 07/04/2020 21:26

Leave him to it. He's being a responsible, caring line manager. You sound paranoid.

I haven't seen anyone's partners appear in the background of calls deliberately- it's not the done thing and I'd be annoyed and embarrassed if dp did this.

Kit19 · 07/04/2020 21:27

Like most PP I think your dh sounds like a responsible & empathetic manager supporting his staff at a very difficult time.

Poppi89 · 07/04/2020 21:27

If you are not worried about him running off with her then there is really no problem. He is being a good friend and team leader - we need more people like him. Don't listen to gossip from friends who are probably just bored and wants a bit of excitement in their life.

Wanderlust21 · 07/04/2020 21:28

Why? It's your husband and she isnt calling about work, but to natter. What's wrong with you popping in to give him a peck on the cheek and a 'love ya, here's your tea' ? Why be embarrassed about affection? I dont get it.

Original poster
Olympiad80 · 07/04/2020 21:29

Snowymascot I don't have any insecurities about our relationship, but we used to work together and I've seen him become the subject of more than one workplace crush. It will sound like I'm boasting or being smug, but he's a good-looking guy and he's a genuinely lovely person, so why on earth would other women not fancy him? I'm not concerned about that - but I do worry that he never seems to notice it's happening and moderate his behaviour a bit. Now he's a manager, I don't think he should be doing anything to encourage this woman. What if she tries something on when they eventually get back to the office, and it ends up as an HR issue?

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 07/04/2020 21:31

It is good your husband cares about his staff. However I agree there is always a danger that this lady might take it the wrong way. Your DH needs to be aware of this.

Boireannachlaidir · 07/04/2020 21:31

heard from a mutual colleague of theirs that this woman has a bit of a crush on my husband,

Tbh this is the part that concerns me most. Do you work for the same company as your DH? The mutual colleague sounds like a gossip. I think you should back off from how your husband conducts himself at work (even whilst that's currently from the home).

If you can't trust him to be an adult, be a good manager then that's your problem right there, not this woman.

Not all women who live alone are desperate to hook up with someone least of all their manager.

Original poster
Olympiad80 · 07/04/2020 21:34

Wanderlust he's calling her, not vice versa. I don't know how much of it is work-related or not, because I try not to listen in. There are confidentiality issues when he's talking to colleagues and it wouldn't be appropriate for me to barge in with tea and kiss him while he's essentially at work.

OP posts:
Fosler · 07/04/2020 21:34

As an ex boss, he is doing the right thing in checking in. As for the laughing and joking, not so much. Every day is not necessary and certainly not on not work days, i.e. weekends. If this person is struggling they should seek outside help, not rely on their boss.

Helmlover1 · 07/04/2020 21:34

Wanderlust- The OP’s husband is working from home so it would be highly inappropriate for the OP to just waltz in with a cup of tea and declare her undying love for him when he’s on a work call. If my partner pulled a stunt like that out of pure jealousy I’d be absolutely furious.

Are your posts actually serious?

Fosler · 07/04/2020 21:36

I mean checking in if it's not work related.

nancyjuice7 · 07/04/2020 21:36

Whether she takes it the wrong way or not, if your partner is doing it purely as a professional then you should trust him not to cross that then?
It takes two to tango, she can't just throw herself at him everyday and then magically they're in bed together.

If he has boundaries then it won't go any further.

Either your concerned he'll cheat and need to speak with him, or you trust him and need to forget about it

Wanderlust21 · 07/04/2020 21:43

Wouldn't bother me if my partner did it. I'd just say 'thanks my darling, love you too, see you in a bit'. As long as he didn't make a habit out of it, in which case it would be smothering.

But I guess it's personal preference. And if you feel it would be inappropriate/unprofessional then yeah I get that.

UnaCorda · 07/04/2020 21:45

As I said in my OP, their chats always sound very upbeat, and I do wonder if she's played the whole thing up to get extra sympathy.

Feeling lonely and down because you haven't seen anyone you know for three weeks, and being able to engage in a light-hearted chat with a colleague for ten minutes without bursting into tears are not mutually exclusive.

Original poster
Olympiad80 · 07/04/2020 21:46

No, we don't work together now, we used to but I moved jobs a while back. That's how come I still talk to some of his colleagues and how I got to hear about this woman from one of them. I've never met her because she started after I left, but I am definitely not jealous of her. She's 10 years older than my husband and doesn't really look after herself, and by all accounts she's a bit mopey and negative, so even if he was the cheating type, he wouldn't go after her.

I don't seem to be explaining myself very well, but I don't know how else to say it. It's him I'm worried about ultimately, in case he gets himself into an awkward situation because she thought he was encouraging her feelings.

OP posts:
Lucygucy · 07/04/2020 21:46

Our line managers call us in the morning every morning. They are checking that we are Ok, whether any close family members have become ill, anything immediate that means we aren't going to be able to work properly that day. It is too large an organisation for HR to do this so they have decided that the duty of care lies with the line managers.
I think your DH is doing what a caring considerate manager is doing. Even if the person is having a hard time, what makes you think she will automatically latch on to DH permanently?

Krazynights34 · 07/04/2020 21:55

I’m going to be a bit harsh here.
How would anyone know she had a crush on him?
Did she say she had?
She “doesn’t look after herself and is a bit mopey”? How horrible! Who told you that?
And it’s also a really rude description of someone you also call vulnerable. Are you a saintly supermodel?
It’s really nasty that you/anyone would think that even if she has a crush on him that she’s just going to think your DH reciprocates because they laugh. I mean WTF???
Try telling your DH that you’ve heard his work calls to her - see what he says.

Slat3 · 07/04/2020 22:03

My team are WFH and we have a teams call everyday and I check in on them once a week 121 (I have a team of 12).
If I had a vulnerable member of the team who needed more support, I would give them it. I speak to my manager everyday - not that I am vulnerable however I do suffer from anxiety / depression and I also sound ‘upbeat’ because I try to hide it & I make jokes constantly because I am insecure.
He won’t get into any trouble - for what? You need to let this go.

notacooldad · 07/04/2020 22:05

He's doing exactly the same as our manager.
She is awesome and supportive to all the staff and treats everyone the same.

Your husband is making these calls in work time so there is nothing untoward. He's not hiding anything.
How is it immature to show affection to your husband? Ok maybe a little unprofessional but she's calling him at HOME every day, surely she knows his wife might pop in from time to time
He is working from home! He is working for goodness sake.
Both me and DP are working from home at the moment but neither of us intrude on each other when calls are taking place. It is the equivalent of one of us popping up in the office. It's immature because there is a time and place for showing affection. During work hour in front of a colleague isn't it.

Boireannachlaidir · 07/04/2020 22:13

left, but I am definitely not jealous of her. She's 10 years older than my husband and doesn't really look after herself,

Wow. It gets worse with your replies. "By all accounts she's mopey & negative" why are you discussing her at all? Why can't you just back off and let your husband do his job? Is he such a wonderful catch that this poor woman will misinterpret his actions and your husband so incompetent that you have to take action to prevent things getting difficult for him. I'd say your problems are closer to home from the sounds of it Hmm

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