Husband getting too involved with a colleague

[Olympiad80]

Name changed for this.

My husband is a team leader at work with a small number of direct reports. At the moment, they're obviously all working from home, which seems to be going well for the majority of the team, but there's one person who is apparently struggling. This is a woman who's a bit older than my husband and me. She's told him that she suffers from anxiety and depression, she lives alone, and she doesn't have any family around, and she's not coping very well with lockdown.

My husband is now phoning or Skyping her every day to check in on her and catch up on her work plan. We live in a small house so sometimes I can't help overhearing his side of the conversation - he seems to spend a lot of time laughing and joking, so obviously she's managing to function well enough to have a lighthearted chat.

I've heard from a mutual colleague of theirs that this woman has a bit of a crush on my husband, but he's always been oblivious to that sort of thing, and I don't think he realises. I'm concerned that she is playing on his sympathies and he's opening himself up to future problems as her boss. He is a very kind-hearted, open person and a lonely, vulnerable woman might misinterpret that and think it means something more.

I'm not worried that he's going to go off and have an affair with her or anything, just that she could cause him problems if she gets the idea he returns her feelings. Should I say something to him?

You say yourself that people have crushes on him because he is good looking and friendly so any of these people could get nasty and report him for something. The only thing is that she might be a bit draining to have to speak to if she is a negative person, but if they sound like they're laughing and joking then I wouldn't worry about that either.

I think your husband is doing exactly what a responsible line manager should do for a vulnerable employee.
This!
I wouldn't interfere at all, especially not based on a bit of gossip. If you trust your DH then he can handle the situation.

And as for the idea of intruding on the call with a kiss? That would be cringeworthy and horrific. I would never do this to my husband and he would never do it to me. We need to retain some professional standards when working from home.

As I said, I'm still in touch with some of the people I used to work with at my husband's office, and she's come up in conversation when we've been talking about who's doing what. I'm only going by what I've been told - she's a bit quiet and when she does speak she tends to be negative. I haven't seen her so my description of her is second hand but again, it wasn't intended as malicious, I was just trying to demonstrate that I'm not insecure about her stealing my husband away or anything ridiculous like that. I'm not a supermodel but I do my best with what I have and I make an effort with my appearance.

As to how I know about her fancying him, no, she hasn't said anything, but the person who told me said it was to do with the way she behaves around him. I have no reason to disbelieve this person although it's possible they read the signs wrong.

And yes, my husband is a catch, thanks. I obviously think so, since I married him. If he has a failing, it's that he's crap at reading people - he didn't even realise I fancied him until I asked him out, even though I thought I'd made it pretty clear.

I don't see why the circumstances of her personal life are his responsibility.

Because he is her line manager and in a time of unusual and high stress he has a responsibility towards his staff and their welfare.

I'm not really seeing what either of them are doing wrong in this situation. But you could always emphasis to your DH the need to be professional ( this doesn't mean being an uncaring robot) but he might rightly get offended.

I can see where you're coming from OP. You've heard rumours she fancies him, now they're having a great old chat every day on Skype. It's probably completely fine but I'd be a bit too. I wouldn't be doubting him, more I'd be worried she may get the wrong impression...

Just chat to him. He's got a job to do, so he has to check on her, chat with her and engage with her about work but that's where his duty ends really. As long as it's about work and is done with no secrecy, then just give him a heads up about what you were told, watch him act baffled and let it be xx

It's not all about appearance you know. Malicious gossips are not very attractive people to be around. Perhaps you should take greater care over conversations with your former colleagues and how do you know they're to be trusted anyway? It all sounds like exhausting juvenile playground behaviour talking about her like this.

Just because you think he's a "catch" doesn't mean everyone else does and is out to prise him away, such a non issue

The worrying thing is OP, if you’re feeling this concerned at the moment when your husband is with you at home making calls to this woman in your presence, how are you going to feel when he’s back in the office spending 7.5 hours every day with her when you’re not there?

There are obviously underlying issues that need addressing.

I've been having a very tough time over the Corona virus. My boss has been an amazing support to me and has called me most days. Having that means the world to me as I'm able to have a bit of a laugh for a while. Feeling anxious or depressed doesn't mean you can't laugh !

Not that it makes any difference but my boss is female and gay. Wonder if her wife is concerned about us talking

I'm finding this quite sad to be honest. Your husband sounds like a great boss.
It's awful that you are listening to gossip and discussing her this way. Does your husband know the gossip?

You clearly have no idea what it is like to be on your own day in, day out. I am so grateful to all my colleagues who check in on me. I am not ‘after’ anyone’s partner. I always put on a brave face even when I feel rubbish. I don’t know when I will next see anyone other than strangers when out walking. I loathe this attitude that all single women fancy other women’s husbands.

Sorry OP but your post does come across as very insecure, your husband sounds like a good boss and this lady is vulnerable and maybe the laughs are the one time she gets to laugh a day.

If you trust your husband, you should be more secure in your relationship fgs she's at home and so is your husband. If you're really worried just listen to see if it's inappropriate if not, move on.

Also to talk about her appearance, and to call her 'mopey' is pretty disgusting considering you are aware she is depressed and has anxiety. If you were more educated on the illness you would realise people with depression can struggle with getting ready etc. She's not 'mopey' she's ill.

Maybe have more laughs with your own husband and you would be less intimidated.

I don't really believe she is as anxious as she makes out, though, that's the thing. I think she's taking advantage of my husband's goodwill and it's not going to end well because he takes people too much at face value and isn't as guarded as he should be sometimes. I don't think all single women are out to steal my husband, of course. This is just about one particular single woman who may or may not be in need of the kind of support that it isn't appropriate to seek from your boss.

OP, if this wasn’t an exceptional time I would feel sympathy for you, but this is an exceptional time.

Everyone I know who is WFH is being called at least daily by their line managers, sometimes more, with loads of personal chat and ‘connection’. Someone somewhere must have put it in the Good Managers Handbook. So he is doing his job.

Don’t go weird about her age or looks or gossip. If you are as sure of your DH as you say, then leave it completely.

Sounds like he is doing the right thing as manager but it could be hard to maintain long term so he could do some of the calls as wider group chats rather than one on one.

It is so inappropriate for a colleague to have gossiped about her and your DH to you.

Oh and please don't go sitting on his lap or telling him you love him while he is on the call. That would be so pathetic.

My manager definitely gives more attention to thoes living alone. It must be really tough for them.

She's 10 years older than my husband and doesn't really look after herself, and by all accounts she's a bit mopey and negative

She's got mental health issues. Of course she might be "mopey and negative". She might not be able to "look after herself" and your husband is being a good person and a boss by looking out for her. The company has a duty of care and he's part of that. Maybe the chats with your husband cheer her up and make her feel normal for a bit which is why she's upbeat. You shouldn't be listening anyway. Either you or your husband need to put earphones in.

Id suggest you stop gossiping. It's not a good look.

This is a woman you don't even know. She's apparently mopey and negative yet you seem to think someone you don't know is faking anxiety to get close to your husband.

Have you actually listened to yourself?

You sound really horrible tbh.

Nip it the bud! Yes, your husband can show concern and support for his staff, but calling each day is not the way to do this. I agree , if this lady has developed a crush o. Your husband then his actions could be misinterpreted/ especially if she has anxiety/ mental health issues.

I watched a webinar last week on leadership and managing your team in a time of crisis. It covered empathy, understanding, identifying employees needing support, and tactics for managing people who may be newly remote-working. It also touched on boundaries, outside supports, ring-fencing checkin times, and other line-drawing. If the lines are blurred, he might need to review his management style both for this lockdown time, and to set the expectations for a return to normality. If his managers, assuming he is not the top guy, aren’t equipping him with these ground rules, he should take an hour to get some online support himself. As a manager, not a husband.

I’ve been having daily calls with my team while WFH. We absolutely laugh and joke (someone said not to??).

No I dont think you should say anything to him because he has done nothing wrong... he is being decent.. if she decides to be wierd about it and ends up being inappropriate that is her fault, not his for simply being a decent human being towards her at a difficult time. I think it would be very sad if you made him feel like he had to alter his kind behaviour. It's like telling women not to be too friendly in case they lead someone on... it's just not a great path to go down. Hes not doing anything wrong so why should you make him second guess himself? I dont think that is kind or fair of you tbh...

OP you are coming across as paranoid, judgemental and actually downright unpleasant in the way you refer to this woman. Your husband is doing exactly what a caring and professional manager should be doing. I am a line manager and while we are all working from home I check in with them every day, and if one of them was experiencing the kind of issues you describe, then yes I would check in with them more often and give them a bit more of my time. It's called caring about your staff . There's nothing wrong with a bit of non work related chat either, that can be what is keeping folk sane in some cases. Stop eavesdropping and listening to nasty gossip and let your husband get on with doing his job.

This is a woman you don't even know. She's apparently mopey and negative yet you seem to think someone you don't know is faking anxiety to get close to your husband.

This.

You've never met her but believe she is over egging anxiety when she speaks to him but you also say that she doesn't sound anxious on the phone, she sounds happy...

Saying nasty things and then saying "I didn't mean anything malicious" doesn't stop them being nasty things.

You've commented on her work performance, her personality, her mental health and her appearance despite never having met her.

Do you see how horrible that is? Or do you really not get why you've been called out on it?

If anyone's obsessed with anyone in this scenario it's you obsessing over her!

Op, if your original post had said that a women at work fancies your husband and he was phoning and laughing with her everyday. That it made you feel insecure and uncomfortable, I think you’d have got slightly different answers.
But you’ve portrayed her as a depressed and vulnerable individual, who needs the support of her boss.
Although you’ve said it’s the later case, I sense it’s actually the former case and in this scenario, few people would be delighted truth be told. Talk to your husband. Be mature, be understanding and for goodness sake, don’t snipe about this woman’s looks or ‘negativity’ as it comes across as bitchy. Be real and be open. We’re all allowed a wobble from time to time, even when it’s not really founded.

Ryah1 that was all I really meant. It's about boundaries and not leading anyone on by being too friendly. I genuinely don't believe that it's a boss's place to be offering this sort of support - he's not qualified to do it, for a start. If she has mental health issues, then she really ought to be seeking proper help and not leaning on someone who can't do anything about it.

DBML I mentioned the anxiety because that's the context for why he's calling her more than usual. I personally think it's more a case of the first scenario you put forward, but it wouldn't have been well-received if I'd dropped in later that she has disclosed mental health issues.

@Wanderlust21 NO. NO. NO. Wtf. Don't do that!

Sounds like the other colleague is a gossip! Ignore it op. Tell your husband how you feel.