Husband getting too involved with a colleague

[Olympiad80]

Name changed for this.

My husband is a team leader at work with a small number of direct reports. At the moment, they're obviously all working from home, which seems to be going well for the majority of the team, but there's one person who is apparently struggling. This is a woman who's a bit older than my husband and me. She's told him that she suffers from anxiety and depression, she lives alone, and she doesn't have any family around, and she's not coping very well with lockdown.

My husband is now phoning or Skyping her every day to check in on her and catch up on her work plan. We live in a small house so sometimes I can't help overhearing his side of the conversation - he seems to spend a lot of time laughing and joking, so obviously she's managing to function well enough to have a lighthearted chat.

I've heard from a mutual colleague of theirs that this woman has a bit of a crush on my husband, but he's always been oblivious to that sort of thing, and I don't think he realises. I'm concerned that she is playing on his sympathies and he's opening himself up to future problems as her boss. He is a very kind-hearted, open person and a lonely, vulnerable woman might misinterpret that and think it means something more.

I'm not worried that he's going to go off and have an affair with her or anything, just that she could cause him problems if she gets the idea he returns her feelings. Should I say something to him?

Also why are people assuming because she lives alone it's worse for her? Some people living in family groups are finding it bloody difficult too so it applies to any circumstances really. A lot of people live alone through choice and some don't only because they can't afford to so stop focusing on this woman being alone.

The whole of the OP is based on gossip not facts anyway and is sheer speculation...

She's 10 years older than my husband and doesn't really look after herself, and by all accounts she's a bit mopey and negative, so even if he was the cheating type, he wouldn't go after her

@Olympiad80 you'd be surprised at the amount of men who go for types their partners wouldn't expect - they aren't all blonde, petite dolly bird types....

Boireannachlaidir I know you haven't been arguing on my side on this thread, but you make a good point. I haven't been assuming that this person has no friends at all and can't speak to her family. For all anyone knows, she might be on Zoom every evening with friends. I certainly don't think my husband is the only person she talks to day in day out, like some pp are suggesting.

OP .. many people are saying you are over reacting .. fair enough .. but we are not there nor do we know your husband .. maybe the way he chats to this lady is subconsciously trigging an alarm bell .. maybe his tone has changed or he is sounding flirty or her chat is sounding flirty ..
whatever it is, it is bothering you on some level .. everything is probably above board but you sense something .. or it could be that he spends a lot of time chatting to her even though it is work related but you feel he does not chat with you as much .. could be a territorial issue .. something you would not ordinarily feel 🤷🏻‍♀️ We are in a weird time & it is affecting us all in different ways ..

you can let it fester or you can just let your husband know your feelings 🤷🏻‍♀️ You are not accusing him of anything but that niggling feeling about him or her or them is bothering you ..

Just let him know how you are feeling .. maybe a few words of reassurance from your husband is what you need 🤷🏻‍♀️

Each one of us are different and we have different boundaries or acceptance of situations ..

He could possibly change some skype calls to email or text etc ..
Communicate with your husband ..

Already spoken to him, and he's going to pull it back. For context, he does calls with his headphones in so I could only hear his side of the conversation, but there was nothing out of the ordinary about the way he spoke to her - no flirtation or inappropriate comments. His manner is naturally open and friendly, though which was what I thought was open to misinterpretation.

I really don’t think you have anything to worry about OP, your husband sounds like he’s treating all his employees equally. Which will help in the long run if anything untoward does crop up from this woman but I’d be wary of the office gossips, they often aren’t your friend at all despite appearing to be on your side!

I would suggest that the ones who are agreeing with you, OP, either don’t line manager or just are not people people and have no empathy.

I line manage 8 people and check in with them as a team twice a week (I only work 4 days) and the most vulnerable I check in with them every day.

And what do you know about her mental health? You said you don’t know her. To minimise people’s mental health issues is really dangerous and it’s this attitude that stops people reaching out for help.

Your husband sounds like a bloody good manager and one that many businesses could benefit from. Of course he needs to check on her wellbeing, not only just because it’s the right thing to do, but if her wellbeing starts to slip then ergo so will her work and your husband will likely be the fall guy as he hadn’t been keeping an eye on her and checking in regularly to make sure nothing slips. This also means having informal chats and if that means laughing and joking then bloody great! We all need a bit of humour in our lives round about now, especially those who are on their own or vulnerable.

I think you need to grow up and stop being paranoid. This isn’t about potential HR issues, this is about your own insecurities.

Offside my husband himself agreed with me that he'd been calling her too much, so make of that what you will. It hadn't occurred to him that someone else might take things the wrong way, and I think it's useful sometimes to see yourself the way others see you.

I agreed with OP.
My immediate superiors check up with me, one daily as we work closely, and the other once or twice a week, and encourages the whole team to interact not just by messages but via calls or video. Perfectly normal.

If he started calling me daily, I'd be worried - he doesn't have the time and neither do I. If he messaged, fine. He is aware that some of his team might get lonely, and deals with it appropriately.

If OP is his subordinate's only social contact during the day, it could be misconstrued, and boundaries, both professional and social need to exist. He should encourage the team to interact, if he hasn't already.

So you have basically told your husband that he needs to change the way he works in order to suit you? Don’t you feel embarrassed about that? I feel so sorry for this poor woman- she has mental health issues and maybe the daily call she gets from her manager is a lifeline and the only interaction she gets to help her through her day. I wonder how she’s going to feel now when she suddenly stops receiving calls and gets little support from her manager going forward. If this woman’s health deteriorates further due to this then I’m sorry OP but you need to take some responsibility.

Wanderlust21 Oh my Hod, that is so cringe. I’d laugh my head off after I shut the laptop if you did that!

It's a big assumption to make that this woman doesn't have any friends or family and she's relying on my husband for her only social interaction. She has other colleagues and they have regular video calls on Teams as a group, so it's not as if she's not involved with things. It's ridiculous to imply that I've somehow kicked her crutch away out of spite.

Actually I disagree that op’s husband should be a ‘lifeline’ for anyone else, mental health issues or not. He is not a professional in that capacity and should not have to shoulder that responsibility.

It’s nice for him to check up with a few friendly words in a text, but to be the sole person she can talk to and her ‘lifeline’ could end up being detrimental to his own mental health or that of his family.

I would expect a manage to be professional and not a counsellor.

DBML- anyone can be considered a lifeline, not just people working in the mental health profession. For example, my elderly grandparent cherishes the interaction she is currently receiving from a young girl across the road who brings her groceries regularly as, sometimes she can be the only person she sees for days as none of us live local. You’d be surprised at how far a few kind words can go. I’m sure the OP’s husband saying things like ‘hope you’re feeling ok today’ or ‘you’re doing a great job with your work, well done’ probably gave this woman a bit of a lift and now she’s going to be without that support and interaction, due to the Op’s insecurities.

@Helmlover1

I understand what you’re saying, which is why I suggested that a little text/ message of support is in fact nice.

But, a person (and their family) should have a say in whether they want to be considered a lifeline and take on that responsibility.

Being a lifeline for one’s lonely nana, is easy. You ring them, keep them upbeat and you do it because you love them.

Being a lifeline for someone unrelated and perhaps not even in a normal position of friendship can be draining and not everyone wants to be someone’s mental health support. I certainly wouldn’t.

So, a message ‘Hope you’re Ok today Sharon’ is great. Full on conversations not necessary if they don’t suit all parties.

Why is he telling you all of that about her anyway? He shouldn't be putting himself in the position of finding out about her anxiety and depression if he's then going to relay all of that back to you!!

Also you say she seems to be functioning well enough to have a lighthearted chat. That doesn't really mean anything. Some of the most depressed people out there mask everything with humour. They're not necessarily functioning any better than others with some mental health difficulties.

What your colleague said about her having a crush on your husband might not even be one bit true!

DBML- but if this lady requires a daily call from her manager and the OP’s husband (like many other managers have stated in this thread) cares about his staff and so therefore is happy to provide this level of support, then I really don’t see what the issue is?

God help the OP when her husband is actually seeing this woman every day in person, having one to ones in the office and occasional work nights out- if he’s allowed, that is

Yes DBML, my husband isn't a mental health professional and it's not appropriate for him to become someone else's lifeline. He's still going to be talking to her about work, of course, but if she needs emotional support she should be looking to somebody who's suitably qualified and who she doesn't have a crush on. The laughing and joking would be all very well if there were no added complications but not when one party is wanting it to mean more than it really does.

Helm you're doing quite a lot of speculation on this thread, and you know this woman even less than I do. The picture you've conjured up of a poor, vulnerable soul who needs daily attention from her manager in order to brighten up her lonely life is not one that I think is particularly accurate. I may not have met her, but at least I've got my information from people who work with her rather than just making stuff up.

Olympiad- like everyone else, I’m going off what YOU have advised throughout this thread. You mentioned she has mental health issues, your husband is providing support that seems to be well received by her and that you and your friends make nasty comments/bitch about her behind her back. So unless you’re willing to take back every post you’ve made then I stand by what I’ve said.

@Helmlover1

I’m a manager myself, to just two people. I do not call them daily. I do however email daily.
I have professional boundaries with my small team, I do not go out with them or socialise normally. I am female, they are both female. I am kind and professional, but not personal. They know little about me and would not see me as a friendly ear, unless it’s work related. I am very professional and do not mix work and friendships as I think that can muddy the waters and make directing individuals harder.

So I don’t personally understand managers who are overly friendly or become a crutch for their employees. I genuinely don’t.

I’m not saying my way is the right way by any means, but I think it is healthy on a thread like this to consider different viewpoints.

Your view is that op’s husband is being a good manager by phoning his colleague everyday and chatting and laughing with her.
My view is that her mental health issues are nothing to do with him and he is her boss and not her friend. There needs to be some boundaries.

It doesn’t really matter which side of the fence you’re on anyway. The op’s husband has made the decision to prioritise his wife’s feelings and the well-being of his own family. This is fair-enough and op should not be made to feel guilty for this, which was the only part of your pp that I really felt was out of order.

Op, I can’t say it enough, a daily text or supportive email is vital to touch base with colleagues and let them know that they are cared about and valued. I can sense that you would not ask your husband to stop doing this.

I'd be more worried about him divulging personal/ medical information about his staff to you than I would be about this woman reading too much into his perfectly normal management style.

Sackable offence right there.

Her mental health issues are not the responsibility of her manager that’s true, but what is his responsibility is to ensure that he is making her aware of whatever support is available to her through their work, and sometimes you have to have informal conversations with people to try and gauge how they are feeling form one day to the next, particularly in the current climate, and as PP have said, people with mental health issues are good at putting a facade on and for people with mental health issues, the support they need can change daily, particularly during these times.

You don’t have to be friends with who manage but I find that a some interest in their personal life goes a long way - understanding what external factors could be affecting performance is important for good management. The worst manager I had took absolutely no interest in my life outside of work, there was no general chat, how was your weekend, how’s your family, and it made him very difficult to work with as I didn’t feel I could trust him if I had issues that could affect my work - and my experience tells me that where colleagues don’t feel a friendly connection with their manager, then they don’t trust them.

OP, this woman having a crush on your husband is all speculation and hearsay. It seems to me that no one likes this woman so it wouldn’t be out of the realms of possibility that this is all made up bullshit to make her life difficult.

There is a reason your husband is a manager and I’m guessing part of that reason is the way he treats people. No one likes an uninterested, impersonal, hard faced ‘I’m just being professional’ manager, it makes you not want to work for them and affects productivity.

I don't think it's that nobody likes her, just that she doesn't join in with things (no issues with team nights out, as she never goes on them) and people find her difficult to be around because she can't do casual chat in groups. She can evidently manage one on one chats ok but becomes flustered and goes red if my husband talks to her. I don't know what she's like over the phone but I presume the distance helps her.

I don't think anyone should need daily non-work chats with their boss. He doesn't consider her a friend and I can't see why he should have to act like she is.

So you say she

becomes flustered and goes red if my husband talks to her

But you also say

I've never met her because she started after I left

It's all just hearsay and gossip then. You've had detailed enough conversations about someone your husband manages to 'know' she blushes when she talks to him... if that isn't gossip then I don't know what is.

You can backtrack now but on this thread you have commented on this woman's work style, mental health and even her appearance!

And as I say, outside of this thread you've had enough conversations to gather this weird level of intel about her and not be mature enough to shut down such inappropriate conversations about your husbands team members.

It sounds like you're giving her more headspace than she's giving your husband.

He's a grown up, let him do his job.